Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Truth About Kissing

So recently, a certain vodka-gimlet enjoying friend of mine sent me this article which gives "10 quirky facts about kissing." Besides coming up with some new pick up lines from this article I decided that it was not that accurate. I mean sure, the facts may be true, but I feel like these folks left the real story out of the facts they've stated. But never fear, the Indian Guy is here, and I'm going to clarify these "quirky" facts and what makes them so "quirky" to start with. Below you will find the facts, and my 2 cents about them.

1. Two out of every three couples turn their heads to the right when they kiss.

First of all we all do things towards the right. When 2 people walk down a hall they walk to the right. As a result when we kiss we just turn our heads to the right. Its natural, but what happens when you don't follow this norm? Well, besides getting into a nose fight, you will realize that your in unfamiliar territory. As I've been taught, when your in unfamiliar territory go for the flesh. This will get you past the kissing, and possibly rounding the bases.

2. A simple peck uses two muscles; a passionate kiss, on the other hand, uses all 34 muscles in your face. Now that’s a rigorous workout!

Once again, I think these people are missing the point. A "passionate" kiss may use all 34 muscles in your face, but an hour of sex burns a few hundred calories, and uses every single muscle in the body. So if you wanna "take the easy way out" go ahead and do the passionate kiss, but for a rigorous workout my advice is an hour of sex.

3. Like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two lip impressions are alike.

I believe this is due to the fact that you never know where those lips have been before you got there (First time....yeah right!). I would also imagine that just like fingerprints or snowflakes no two sets of excuses about how many people the other person has been with are not alike either.

4. Kissing is good for what ails you. Research shows that the act of smooching improves our skin, helps circulation, prevents tooth decay, and can even relieve headaches.

This one is my favorite because clearly a med student who wasn't having much luck went for the sympathy angle. "C'mon baby, its for my health can't you see?" However, sometimes when you're wasted and you realized who you just kissed, leads to an increase in the symptoms that kissing is supposed to cure such as headaches and circulation issues, hence I don't know how much stock I'd put into this fun fact.

5. The average person spends 336 hours of his or her life kissing.

A more detailed look at the numbers shows that the average man spends 168 hours of his life kissing, and the average woman spends 672 hours of her life kissing. The reason being that men will often give up kissing time for doing things like chugging a beer, a touchdown dance, or fighting for the last slice of pizza. On the other hand, women make up for this by kissing other people when men are off participating in such degenerate activities.

6. Ever wonder how an “X” came to represent a kiss? Starting in the Middle Ages, people who could not read used an X as a signature. They would kiss this mark as a sign of sincerity. Eventually, the X came to represent the kiss itself.

Okay, this one makes no sense to me. My interpretation is that if you were illiterate you signed an "X" on a piece of paper and then kissed it and said this was your signature. Imagine doing that to checks? We'd have one hell of a time at the bank.

7. Talk about a rush! Kissing releases the same neurotransmitters in our brains as parachuting, bungee jumping, and running.

Notice how they use analogies such as "parachuting, bungee jumping, and running" which to me implies that when you kiss someone you either want to kill yourself, or get the hell out of there.

8. The average woman kisses 29 men before she gets married.

This is just a bold lie. If you show me a woman that has only kissed 29 men in her lifetime, I will show you a lesbian.

9. Men who kiss their partners before leaving for work average higher incomes than those who don’t.

Yes, this is true. Men who kiss their partners in the morning are probably kissing another partner at night. As a result, they need to provide for 2 women, and earn higher incomes.

10. The longest kiss in movie history was between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in the 1941 film, You’re in the Army Now. It lasted 3 minutes and 5 seconds. So if you’ve beaten that record, it’s time to celebrate!

At first thought I figured their must've been a longer kiss in a porno, however I soon realized that in pornos they get right to the point. As a result this observation is probably true.

The point here is that women and men have two completely different takes on kissing. For women kissing can often be a final destination. For men, kissing is ALWAYS a pit stop or a road bump on the way to the final destination. I don't care if your on a hot air balloon hundreds of feet in the air, or in the back of a taxi, kissing for men is never the final destination. Oh, we'll tell women that it is, and that we're happy with it, because we don't want to upset the women. However, I don't know of any straight guy that has kissed a girl and thought "Gee, that was swell". If your telling me you have, he's either gay, or he struck out and is trying to make himself feel better.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

From Break-ups to Make-ups?

I really don't understand what this world is coming to when things like this are available for sale. I recently came across a website that claims to give you the "secrets" for winning your Ex back. I have one question.....WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?!? It comes with great advice such as "What you should do when they leave with no warning or won't return your calls, emails, IM's or text messages". My guess is they should give advice such as "What you should do if they get a restraining order against you".

Look, I understand that break-ups are never easy (unless your the one looking to get out that is). However, running right back into a bad situation is never a good idea. I mean why would you escape from a burning house, and once your out and safe think "Man, I miss the heat, let me go right back in"? It makes no sense. Odds are, if you've broken up then you were in a relationship where you were doing things such as staring at the wall watching the paint dry when your on the phone with the other person, or getting into arguments such as which VH1 reality show is more in line with American Values. Your probably quoting Wikipedia like its the bible and having pointless tantrums that lead to more arguments. Additionally, your probably changing your facebook status more times than Hugh Hefner has changed a sex partner, and the whole time you're convinced its all "worth it". Well, let me put it gently....its not worth it, and don't be such a psycho about the situation. Its never good to be putting yourself through a situation where you don't even know who you are and how you got there. I'm willing to bet that before all the fights began, you probably didn't even watch VH1.

I'm guessing, if your a guy your in deep pain about the prospect of getting laid on a somewhat regular schedule, and if your a woman, your in deep pain about the prospect of having someone to be by your side when you want them there. My advice, is to take a deep breath and a long walk along the Las Vegas strip to clear your thoughts. Between the Mexicans offering prostitutes, and the random drunk people you see walking around, you'll probably be able to assess where you are in life. A brilliant thought may occur such as "Gee, I must be beautiful, because the stripper said so". This could lead to things such as increased self confidence, and a will to live. Under no circumstances, should you stalk your ex on websites such as Myspace or Facebook. This will undoubtedly lead to you asking her friends who "her new friend is" or even worst, you may have to write something nasty on her Funwall.

In conclusion my friends, if your checking out websites for getting your Ex back when they're not returning your messages, your in a pretty bad place. They are not returning the messages for one reason, and that is to get you out of their life for whatever reason. Take this as a hint, accept it, and get on with your life. Its easier said than done, but its not impossible. A few nights out with the boys or girls, and a few lucky one-night stands, and your back in the game. If all else fails, you always have Craigslist.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Indian Wedding Receptions

Last night I had the good fortune of attending an Indian Wedding Reception with Mr. Umerica. Its quite an event, and is always lots of fun. The MC is usually doing a good job of getting the crowd involved, the food is spicy and abundant, and the drinks are flowin. However, the wedding reception I attended was for a religous couple who both came from religous families and therefore the event was dry. Now, I know what your thinking.....and no I did not sneak anything into the party. However, I thought I'd highlight some common events that happen at Indian wedding receptions and how its different when you contrast a dry wedding versus a boozed up wedding:


Dry Wedding

People are usually drinking their Shirly Temples or Virgin Pina Coladas. They are eating the food, and generally having a good time.

Boozed-up Wedding

People are hovering around a bar like flies do on a recently dead squirrel. They refuse to leave the bar and invite every person who walks by them to join them at the bar. Lots of Liver poisoning is conducted, then when they get the drunchies (drunken munchies) they attack the food. They then go back to the bar for a cool down drink, but by then they’re told its closed, and they try to bribe the bartender for one last drink.


Dry Wedding

People politely clap, and patiently wait for all 18 members of the immediate family to come out, and then give a standing ovation to the newly married couple.

Boozed-up Wedding

People start yelling and hollering at the grandma and grandpa who first walk in and thank them for having the grand-kids to throw a festive celebration. After the other 18 members of the family arrive they jump, scream, and yell into a thunderous applause for the newly married couple. They yell inappropriate things like “Yeah Raj, hit that for life playa!”


Dry Wedding

People usually pose with babies and relatives/friends they don’t usually get to see.

Boozed-up Wedding

People will start posing for pictures even if they don’t know who you are. Usually a very sexy model face, or a peace sign will be involved. If it’s a big group you can bet 2 guys will be squatting in the front like they’re posing to be on the cover of a rap album.


Dry Wedding

The DJ will usually do a good job and get everyone involved. People will usually gather around the bride and groom, and may even pick the lucky couple up on their shoulders for a bit.

Boozed-up Wedding

The drunken crowd will all be dancing like hooligans. Occasionally the DJ may play some reggaetone or Lil’ John. This will lead to people in their 30’s screaming “What! Yeah! Okayyy!”. Then the same people will begin grinding inappropriately in their Indian formal wear. At some point someone will carry the bride and the groom and try to see who can toss which person higher into the air.


Dry Wedding

People will wait in line patiently. They will make small talk and discuss how delicious the spread looks. They may even make an extra dish for their grandparent so that person does not have to get up and wait in line.

Boozed-up Wedding

People will usually be too drunk and dancing into the moment to notice dinner is being served. Occasionally they may stop dancing to make song requests to the DJ. Also, at this time the single folks will start making their move on any potentials at the reception. They’ll do something smooth like go up to a group of women and yell “SHOTS! WHOSE WITH ME!”

Eventually they do get hungry and attack the buffet line like Michael Jackson would attack a kindergarten class.


Dry Wedding

People usually congratulate the couple once again. They find their families and head home after a long day.

Boozed-up Wedding

People usually find the closest bar or club that will still serve them booze. If there is none close by the bride/groom usually have arrangements made in a hotel room that is stocked for the party to continue. At about 2:30 AM its no longer cute to sit around with the newly married couple and they will kick everyone out.

I should also mention, that although there are religous families that have wonderful weddings, these families usually have a few degenerate friends or family members. In such occasions these people will setup what I like to call a "car bar". Usually the uncle who owns a liquor store will bring his mini-van packed with beers, and scotch. These leads to some unusual moments such as when the name of an uncle is called to walk out, and he's trying to chug the beer in the parking lot, but this explains the "pep" in his step.

To all of you who are getting married - Congratulations! To all of you in attendance, I hope you enjoy these random observations.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Indian Superhero Possibilities

So, I recently saw the movies Iron Man, and Incredible Hulk and I was thoroughly impressed at how Marvel has setup these franchises. Both movies are awesome, and Dark Knight hasn't even come out yet. However, I was thinking I don't remember any big time super heroe movies coming out of India. Perhaps they need some help. Well, help is here. I've put together a list of some ideas for Indian Superheroes, and they are listed below:

Incredible Sikh

The look: The incredible sikh is dressed in a classic Indian turban, and outfitted with a traditional Pajama (baggy cotton pants) & Kurta (long, baggy, cotton shirt). Additionally he carries a knife in his waist, along with mojdis (traditional indian shoes with pointy toes).

The story: One day in order to increase the strength of the plowing animals on his farm, Navinder (average guy name equivalent to bruce banner), experiments with some genetically modified seeds to feed the animals. to see if they really work he eats some himself. At first he doesnt feel anything, but then when his wife forces him to eat parathas without ghee, his rage is unleashed. Without knowing what has happened he turns into this huge, red, beast. he has to learn to control his rage and fight the evil bolly-sagoo empire.

Superpowers: these include his incredible strength. Additionally the center of his turban opens up and shoots out bazooka missiles. When he needs to he can jump in the air and make a kicking motion with his feet, and out of the points of his shoes mini Johnny Walker bottles are unleashed and attack/intoxicate the enemy.

Finishing move: Bhangra stomp. This is when he is ready to kill off his enemy, he jumps high into the air and yells "Hadi-pa!" and stomps down on his enemy with all his force. Occasionally he also uses the bbbbbb-itch slap. This is when he yells "bruah!" and repeatedly smacks his enemy across the face.

Iron Guj

The look: The Iron Guj is outfitted with a trendy iron suit. The top looks like a striped shirt, the bottom looks like slacks, and of course big white sneakers accompany the iron suit at the feet. He is usually sporting a fake movado or tommy hilfiger watch, along with lots of gold chains, and one in particular which has a hanging "tiger-nail" dispensed from it.

The story: one day Samir Patel is betrayed by his business partner and brother. They own a company which makes Manakchand (chewing tobacco), and they are working on a new formulation of manakchand. However, his brother cuts him out of the deal, and leaves Samir with nothing. Samir swears revenge, by hiding away in his hut, and makes a "lokhan" or iron suit. The suit gives him powers such as flying, and killer dandias.

Finishing move: Manakchand spit. By pushing a few buttons in his super computer Samir Patel turns into the Iron Guj. When his enemy is at its weakest the palm of each hand opens up and sprays highly toxic and concentrated manakchand (indian chewing tobacco) at his enemy. If this does not work Iron Guj also dispenses acidic kadhi from his fingertips to burn and currify the enemy at the same time.

The look: Subra man rocks a tight yellow outfit, with a bright green cape. He also wears his bright green underwear on the outside of his suit.

The story: When the planet Keralaton was about to be destroyed, his parents put him in a space ship and sent him off for Earth. He landed in south India, where a farmer and his wife found him, and adopted him as their own. They taught him the fine art of fishing, and computer programming. They named him Raj Subramaniam. Being that he was from another planet Raj soon discovered he was different from his friends. For example, he was able to fly, and shoot laser-hot sambar out of his eyes. He eventually leaves the farm and works in the big city (Bangalore), by day he is a computer programmer, and falls in love with Neeru Bhakta-krishna-rama-dhamamaniam. By night he fights criminals such as computer hackers, and evil rikshaw drivers who rip off customers.

Finishing move: Subra-man has a variety of attacks. He can shoot laser hot sambar out of his eyes, or even use his incredible might to conquer his enemies. His secret weapon is his x-ray vision. Once when a building was on fire, Subra-man was able to turn an entire lake into a big piece of dhosa, and carried it and threw it on top of the burning fire, and put out the flames and saved the day.

If you have any other suggestions for Indian super-heroes, please do share.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Inter-cultural Relationships

So I recently came across this website where singles can go and meet other singles (no, I wasn't on the prowl - I swear). In this particular ad an Indian guy is looking to meet a white girl. Check it out:

I think Inter-cultural relationships is probably a better term for this than interracial (because Indians are actually considered caucasians), but also because sometimes if your Indian, dating a person from another part of the country can be just as difficult.

So in any case, I'd like to take a moment and help this poor bastard out. First of all he starts his ad by saying he's "attractive". That to me raises red flags right there. If I'm correct, shouldn't the other person decide if your attractive? Then he goes on to claim he is a "British Born Indian guy" which to me sounds like he's saying "Hey, I'm so white on the inside you won't notice I'm brown on the outside". However, he gets caught in his lie when he uses the phrase "would love to go out with a white girl as it is my preference". This is where the gig is up buddy! If you were really a British born Indian guy you'd say something like "because it is my preference", the fact that you said "as it is my preference" proves to me just how much of a Mumbai-born recently immigrated to Britain guy you really are! I work with plenty of Indians and they all have one thing in common - they don't ever use the word "because" they simply use "as" instead. I think I just found a Mumbain-born Indian guy who has migrated to Britain, and is hoping to get his freak on with the "mystical" white girls which he's only seen on youtube clips and heard stories of through migrated friends. What's worst is he finishes off his strong candidacy by asking "Do white women find Indian guys attractive?" What are you thinking?!? Is that even a question? Of course they do buddy, but your not one of em apparently.

All I'm saying is that if you want to attract a white girl or a black girl, or any other non-Indian girl, I'd start by making a strong bold statement. Perhaps something like "I'm the Indian son of the man who invented the Kama Sutra, and I'm starting a new practice here in London. I"m looking to share my knowledge with attractive and interested students who are (non-Indian / cultural preference) females between the ages of 21 - 30, who are comfortable with their bodies and spirituality. Flexibility and an un-inhibited personality is preferred". I mean you figure with something like this you might at least get a curiosity bang.

The point I'm trying to make here, is that inter-cultural relationships are not easy, but they can also be fun since in today's information age, we are learning about other people at a much faster pace. But the one thing that remains universally true, is that if a guy wants to get a girl, he's gotta be confident and comfortable with who he is, before he can get to know her no matter where she's from, or what color her skin is.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Angry Mexican

I recently came across this video clip. Its quite hilarious because it shows the "inner beast of unstoppable rage" to be a crazy Mexican dude (Courtesy of Jimmy Kimmel). I watched this video clip with great delight and thoroughly laughed my ass off.

As I was watching this clip, a thought occured to me. I began to there not an angry Mexican in all of us? I mean, I think its safe to say that we've all had these crazy moments in our lives where we are just an uncontrollable force. When we get so mad, that we don't care about what's happening, and we just lose it. The worst part is, in these moments we believe we are greater than what we actually are.

It happened to me many years ago. I was driving my car, and I made a left turn into a street. Some guy was backing out of a drive-way and didn't see me coming, and almost hit me. I swerved out of the way. I was pissed, I was furious, I WAS THE INCREDIBLE HULK! I started yelling and screaming at him, just spewing all kinds of verbal diarrhea at him. Then I did one of the stupidest things in my life. I uttered those stupide words "Don't make me get out of my car and teach your cracker ass how to drive. I'll fuckin kill you! You don't know me! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I will destroy you!". To which he responds "oh yeah? Well let's do this then!"

Now I'm not a guy who is typically intimidated by other men. However, when this 6-foot something monster stepped out of his Corolla there was only one thought going through my mind. "How the fuck did he fit inside that Corolla?!?" I mean this man was huge. He got out of the car, and started pummeling his 300 lb of fury in my direction. In that moment, a very important thing happened. I realized I was not the hulk, but rather Guillermo the parking attendant. So being the realistic guy that I am I did the one thing there was to do......I peeled the fuck out of there and learned my valuable lesson.

Men, Women & Friendship

Often I've contemplated the idea of a man and a woman just being friends. In the beginning I was an idealist and felt that "sure, men and women can be just friends, and nothing more without sexual tension". Then I grew up and realized how ridiculous that is. Men and women can be friends, but sexual tension will always be there. Women won't admit it, and men can't hide it.

The basic, problem in all of this is the would / wouldn't dillemma. You see, every time a man sees a woman he asks himself the basic question "would I or would I not bang her?" Of course, basic ground rules such as family relationships and things like that apply where this would not be the case. However, for example if I were to walk down a Manhattan block I will most likely ask and answer this question about 25 - 35 times and it will happen within a matter of seconds. The other problem is that 98% of the time the answer is I would, or I would with a bag on her face.

So if that's the case and a guy would not bang a girl, then friendship is a possibility right? Wrong! The problem here, is that when men are genuinely not interested in the woman; 99% of the time that's exactly what attracts a woman to him, and thus, the tension is there. On the other hand, when a guy would bang the girl.....well, we know what happens. He ogles and blatantly undresses her with his eyes, and occasionally gets caught drooling, thus making the friendship a bit uncomfortable.

With that said, I do still believe there are very unique conditions when friendship does remain a possibility. Those conditions are as follows:

- You've tried dating and it just didn't work, so you realize friendship is better
- You grew up with someone
- You form a friendship so close with the other person that you see them as a sibling
- There is a common task at hand which requires both of you to work together, so until your working on that task, you manage to suppress the sexual beast, and keep it friendly (this condition keeps most of corporate America under control)
- You realize that you just don't have a chance with the other person, but they are still cool enough that you manage to be friends

These aforementioned situations allow for conditional friendship between men & woman. I know some of you will read this and say "No way. I've been friends with this girl for years, and she's like my boy. She just gets me. I can go to her for advice and everything." To those people I'd say, "Are you sure your not in love?" Didn't Usher teach us about this on his first album?

Friday, June 13, 2008

A Religous Experience

In our temple, when men and women enter they are required to sit on 2 seperate sides. Over the years, I've gotten into many debates with people regarding this. Personally, I never thought it was a big deal. As a dude, let's be honest - you think of women 99.9999% of the time, and the rest of the time is devoted to sports. Therefore, the idea of focusing on god, and not on women kind of made sense to me. Having a bunch of guys around me, definately helps me focus on the task at hand.

However, many people over the years have argued with me about this issue. They told me things like why does your religion do this? Is it really necessary? I don't see the point. Sometimes they made convincing arguments. But I have the be all end all of all their arguments. I can confidently say that we seperate men and women so this doesn't happen.

According to this article an Italian couple got caught having sex in the confessional box while morning mass was being said (talk about morning wood!). Upon reading this I was thoroughly jealous, and enlightened (not to mention inspired). From this article I learned that "where there's a will there's a way" but also, that maybe seperating men and women might not be such a bad idea. I also learned, that there's probably a good reason why we don't have a "confessional box" at our temple.

I mean, if you think about it, there's a billion Indians roaming around today, and that happened for one reason and one reason only. Back in the day, India had a strong agricultural economy, and as a result people were BORED OUT OF THEIR MIND! I mean, really how exciting can it be to watch tobacco grow? As a result they started slappin skins to kill the time. In fact they got so good at this they made a whole journal for the world to follow (I present to you.....The Kama Sutra). The tobacco was growin and the babies were poppin!

So what does this have to do with religion you ask? I think the one place to really not think about getting your freak on was temple. However, being the horny folks that Indians are, they probably realized that it was just too much to have your baby-momma sittin next to you lickin her lips and giving you the "I want you eyes", while you're trying to make sure you don't re-incarnate into a toad. As a result, I believe that they finally decided through trial & error and realized that it was easier to think about god, when the sexual tension was absent. Is it better or worst? I'm not sure, but I'd like to install a "confessional box" to see if it makes a difference.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Stickin It To The Man

We live in tough times. The dollar is sinking, and cost of oil is sky-rocketing. Jobs are scarce, and those who have them should consider themselves lucky. Employers, seem to be able to do what they want when they want, and sometimes expose their employees to horrific injustices.

However, according to this article a noble few are standing up to these grave injustices. According to a recent survey pointed out in that article 39% of people surveyed between the age of 18-24 years of age would consider quitting their jobs if they banned access to Facebook. That's right these few, proud members of society have the courage to stand up for what's essential to career development and that is the ability to superpoke someone!

Although the author of the above mentioned article thinks this is ridiculous, I say to her "oh yeah, well what if someone is talking smack about me on their wall? Huh?!? Then what am I supposed to do?" At a loss for words? I thought so. Facebook is an essential part of our culture. Not only do we need to access from our work computer, but the corporate blackberry's should have the application there, so we can constantly update our status.

9 AM: "Raj just got to work"
9:30 AM: "Raj just got coffee"
10 AM: "Raj just noticed the receptionists boobs"
10:30 AM: "Raj is going to take his morning dump now"
11:30 AM: "Raj is back and relieved"
12 PM: "Raj is off to lunch"
1 PM: "Raj is feeling sleepy"
2 PM: "Raj just had an unexpected boner and had to sit at his cubicle til it passed and was late for the meeting"
3 PM: "The meeting was pointless, and Raj was assigned more work"
4 PM: "Raj just beat his bitch ass friend Sanjay in Scrabble on Facebook!"
5 PM: "Raj is checking out the happy hour"
5:01PM: "Raj thought about asking the cute receptionist to come, but then pretended he had a cough and kept walking"

Can't you see how these facebook status updates are not only useful to employers, but society in general? What is wrong with this lady? She just needs to get with the times. My guess is that she hasn't been superpoked in while or worst. Someone posted a picture of her without tagging her (gasp!), I can't even think of the horror.

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

If you've ever been to a "Desi" or Indian Party, you've undoubtedly have seen it come to an end or have it broken up due to a fight. Its an absolutely amazing phenomenon that has transcended various generations of Indians, and to this day the fighting continues. The reason I call it a phenomenon is because generally speaking, Indians probably have the worst genetic make up when it comes to fighting. Unless we were gonna start swinging stethescopes, or using our moustaches as swords, I think we're pretty useless. Of course, the fighting is not caused by some deeply universal cause, but rather something even more profound.

For example, the following conversation may cause a fight:

Raj: Yo, kid what you gonna wear to the party tonight?

Jay: I was thinking about rocking my new Express shirt

Raj: Oh word, that's cool.

Then both Raj and Jay show up to the party.

Jay: What the fuck bro! I told you I was rockin my new Express shirt and you still wore the same one. That's fucked up shit son. You don't do that to your boy!

Raj: Oh yeah....what you gonna do about you skinny ass punk?

Jay: I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it.

At this point, Jay instead of being a man and taking on Raj, will pull out his cell phone and call 10 of his buddies. "Fellas, we got a code red! Raj, that punk ass is wearing the same shirt as me, I need you guys here right away. He goes down tonight".

Jay: Raj, you know what I shouldn't have over reacted

Raj: That's right, you better know who your talking to


Just then Raj gets hit over the head with a beer bottle, and 10 of Jay's friends start punching and kicking him, and take the poor guy down. This will undoubtedly lead to Raj getting Jay the same way at the next party, and fighting continues. Yes, Mahatma Gandhi would be so proud.

What makes the whole thing even more intriguing is that living in the 6-degrees-of-seperation culture we live in, Raj will probably end up marrying Jay's cousin. That's when things get really interesting. For example, to keep the feud going Jay may not invite Raj to the family barbecue, or worst he may invite him and make him drink Kingfisher while the rest of the family gets to enjoy Johnny Walker Black.

All I'm saying, is that aren't we missing the point here? The real culprit is Express for making more than one kind of the same exact shirt - those bastards! However, I can't blame Express for the stupidity that is "Young Indian Man", but I bet if I researched it a little better I'd find the same situations exist in most cultures.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Women, Chocolate, Sex and the Truth

I happen to be related to a woman who is absolutely addicted to chocolate. When she talks about chocolate here eyes get bigger and wider, and her descriptions become more passionate. However, I find that she is not alone in this. Chocolate seems to have quite an effect on women. An effect that men will never understand, or appreciate.

Through various lessons in life, I've concluded that women appreciate chocolate a lot. If I had to pick a list of top 5 things women appreciate in this world it would probably go as follows:

1. Tampons

2. Chocolate

3. Sex and the City

4. Brad Pitt

5. Their favorite hair dresser

Somewhere between tampons and Sex and the City is where women rate the importance of chocolate in their existence. That's right if you are a man, and not Brad Pitt, odds are women probably don't care much for you. In fact their attraction to chocolate is so strong that according to this article it directly impacts their sex drive. According to them "Women who have a daily intake of chocolate showed higher levels of desire than women who did not have this habit."

Are you freakin kidding me?!? All this time, I've been trying to figure out how to get women, and pick up hot ladies, and all I had to do was bring chocolate! If this was the case how come no one bottled the scent and made a cologne out of this? Just think about it. The commercial could be hilarious. An unlucky dude gets rejected by a bunch of women. He then sprays on some "Chocolate" - by Ralph Lauren and the women come flocking to him. However, I can see how this would not work, since after licking the dude's neck, most women would realize it is a dude and not a Lindt truffle, and would soon dismiss him.

Anyhow, although I never will understand how important chocolate is to women, I guess the only real correlation I can think of from a guy's perspective is the importance of porn to a man. Porn like chocolate is a secretly desired vice that men are passionate about and intake in small doses on a daily basis. Just like a woman can probably describe her favorite truffle down to the last detail, a guy can probably describe his favorite porno down to the well....last detail. Just like women sneak off and "cheat" with a piece of chocolate in private, men do the same with their version of chocolate (sometimes that's her name). Most importantly just like chocolate increase a woman's desire for doing the dirty-dirty....well I think I made my point pretty clear with this one.

All in all, women will always have a special place in their hearts for chocolate, and knowing this men will always use this piece of information to get out of the dog house as often as they can.


"BIO DATA." If your an Indian these are 2 of the most scariest words you'll ever hear. It officially signifies that your youth has passed, your still single, and your parents are tired of hearing questions about why your not married yet. For those of you who may not know, Indian parents have 2 great fears. 1 - their child is gay, 2 - there child will remain single after the age of 30. As far as being gay is concerned, its just not allowed. However, if it happens, there is little the parents can do about it. As for the latter, Indian parents have developed an intricate "laissez-faire" system to do everything in their power to get their child married off before the age of 30.

Its quite simple the way it works. During the life of their child they will not permit their children to date, and make them focus on "studies". Then when their child is socially retarded and sent off to college, they will hope the child finds their significant other there. When this does not happen, they panic, and around the age of 26 or 27 if the child is still single they will ask the child to make a Bio Data, or a resume of themselves which they can show other people.

A typical Bio Data contains factual information, as well as astrological information. It typically accompanies a picture of you and looks something like this:

Name: Mr. or Mrs. Patel

Date of Birth: This is very important for Astrological reasons

Height / Wt.: this is usually a lie.

Skin Complexion: for example fair, wheatish, or ashy

Religion: Your either a Hindu, Hindu, or Hindu

Caste: this one can be a deal breaker. Believe it or not, but this one is sometimes also mentioned with information such as the type of Patel you are.

Address: both here, as well as the home in India from which your family has migrated. This is just so we can see if there's anybody that talks smack about you in the motha-land.

Education: this is usually important for the parents

Occupation: I try to write something classy here such as "Part-time pimp/full-time Playaaa", however this one field alone determines your real value in the market.

Hobbies / interests: usually cooking, or traveling

Father's Name:

Mother's Name:

Brother/Sister (s): Their marital status is also listed here

Once this done, these "pimp vouchers" are then traded like stock by parents in the global meat market of 20-something-year old Indians around the world.

What's interesting is the emphasis put on education. You can look like a toe, and be a doctor and the phone will ring off the hook. The ideal catch is a doctor which meets your astrological criteria, and is the right kind of Patel (no pressure here). High honors is also given to Pharmacists, and lawyers. Anything involving IT represents job-security but not a fat bank roll, so parents will usually settle for this, and won't make a big fuss about it.

Although this technique has worked quite well in the past, I've noticed now that its not really doing much. More and more 2nd generation people are growing up and not wanting to get married, and more and more parents are getting disgruntled and having ulcers as a result of this. The new age parents, try to encourage their kids to set themselves up on websites such as which to me seems to be the on-line trading of the pimp-vouchers and the meat market they represent. I truly believe we are getting closer to a day when people will actually be able to trade options on these bio-datas.

As an Indian whose grown up in America this concept is quite foreign, and sounds somewhat insane. However, you can't argue with the results and the numbers. This system, although not perfect has produced many happy unions. I'm now related to several people who have found their match in this meat-market.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Middle-Aged Fat Gene

I recently saw a photo of Angelina Jolie at the Cannes Film Festival. She was pregnant, and still looked hot. I don't know how, I don't know why. However, as I continued to stare at her child-bearing posture and her plump chesticles a thought hit me. I was trying to think of the last time I ever saw an Indian Woman who was attractive at the time of pregnancy or after. I thought long and hard and I came up with 1 person and she was a cousin of mine that is obsessed with working out.

In this moment of truth a sad realization hit me, that as Indians we are given tremendous gifts such as the ability to clip a coupon and find the closest grocery market that gives you double the value, or to memorize the dictionary for fun. However, the one thing that we cannot due is remain attractive after we hit our middle age. I believe that on some level its genetic, and being the astute scientist that I am I call this the "middle-aged fat gene". We all have it. After the age of 35 - 40, the waist lines expand, and we start to accept it. We start convincing ourselves that we look "healthy" and not overweight. What was once an attractive nose ring, is now disappearing in to the wallows of lard from the expanding face.

Although I was depressed by the thought of not being sexy after 40, another thought hit me. All genes have their mutations, and maybe we are in the midst of a generation that can mutate the middle-aged fat gene. After all, Shah Rukh Khan got a 6 pack at the age of 40. Perhaps with the right amount of western influence, we too can remain sexy after 40. A cycle of steroids here, some plastic surgery there, and we're back in it baby! If this happens, look out rest of the world. We will soon be flaunting our sexy pregnant selves all over the place.

Babies + Movie Theatres = Disgruntled Audience

Seriously folks, I know we walk around these days thinking that we own any venue we walk into, when in reality we don't. One such venue is the movie theatre. I once went to watch a movie and it traumatized me to the point where I contemplated never returning to the movie theatre again.
About an hour and a half into the movie there is a couple there with their infant child. Like most infants would do when they are in a dark room with Dolby Surround sound blasting off around them, the infant started to cry. It was the perfect pitched decibel of baby-cry that made you want to gouge your eyeballs out of your head and plug them into your ears so you are no longer subject to this noise. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against parents. When a baby is crying in an airplane I'll tolerate it the whole flight.

What really pissed me off, was when the couple started arguing. "No, I went last time, its your turn to take the baby outside" says the irresponsible husband. "No way! This is my night out, and I want to watch the movie, you go outside" responds the dead-beat mom. Hey I have an idea. How about I take your baby and punt it to the other side of the theatre to see if anyone cares about your baby or your soon to be divorced relationship. I just don't get it. Why would you subject others to this?!?

Enough of this I say. Its time to take a stand. Tell parents to get a baby sitter, or tell them to stay home, and only subject the spawn of their own flesh to their bickering (at least the spawn should have the genetic material to put up with the Bitch-assness of the parents). Take a vote and just let irresponsible parents everywhere know that we're tired of it.

So if your a parent (or in a bad relationship and argue all the time), I sincerely urge you, please don't go to the movies. Its for the sake of humanity.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Freud + Cocaine = Birth of Big Pharma

I recently read this article while I was perusing one of my favorite blogs - PharmaGossip. I happen to be in the Pharmaceutical industry and am always blown away by such articles. I have a sister who studies Psychology so I'm a little familiar with Freud's crazy experimentation with Cocaine, but this article really gives you an insight of the experimentation and it also links to another article which gives an in depth explanation of Freud's report on Cocaine - Uber Coca where in he claims "I take very small doses of it regularly," he said, "against depression and indigestion". Great, so if your feeling down and can't take a shit, do a fat line, and you can kill two birds with one snort. You've got to love drug abuse in the name of science. I can't even imagine how it would be today if you told someone - "In the name of science I'm blowing a few rails, and then I'll write about in my journal". Shit! Sign me up for that Clinical Trial!

However, the most interesting thing about this article is when I learned that at some point the pharmaceutical companies Merck and Parkie Davis eventually started paying Freud to promote their brands of cocaine to be used for things such as toothache drops for children (now let's see them complain about the dentist!). The sad truth is that times have not really changed. We live in a world where much of the medicine we "discover" we're not even sure how or why it works, we just know it yields certain results.
I guess we live in a day and age where it doesn't really matter why things work, just as long as they work. If I was wrong, the sales of Viagra wouldn't be where they are today.

On-line Dating

So recently more and more people I know have turned to on-line dating. It seems to be a popular trend that is now infiltrating the Indian culture of America. For many Indians this is new and unexplored territory. For many of us we had limited options to find our soulmates -

1. Meet them in high school / college & date them for many many years and then marry them

2. Meet them in temple and date them for many many years and then marry them

3. Meet them thru parents, and date them for 48 hours and marry them

Finally, the most common

4. Aimlessly wander about at night clubs and bars until in that fateful moment you puke on your beloved's shoes, and decide that they will be yours for the rest of your days. You date them for a few months and rush into something completely unprepared.

But now, everything's changed. On-line dating has come and changed the whole game up. You can totally be yourself and post an air-brushed picture of you with the right light and trick people into thinking you really do look like a movie star first thing in the morning. You can share your hobbies such as cooking (however, I find it odd that no one enjoys cleaning). You can tell people how your fun-loving, and have a sense of humor - but only if its you making the joke.

All in all, I'd say on-line dating is a good thing for the Indian community and the world in general. I think it does everyone a favor because now people can be who they want to be instead of who they actually are.

College Finals - The Asian Way

So it is officially June. Which means that another academic year has come to a conclusion. All the graduates are out looking for jobs, and all the undergraduates are either down the shore or working at their internships, or if your Asian your taking a summer Calc class. But no year is ever complete without a final examination. Yes, the finals. Where the professors flex their intellectual might (which makes up for their lack of respect in the real world) and beat down on the egos and intellectual fraility of their students. For many students the day of the Final Exam is one full of fear, nerves, and general inadequacy. Did I study the right material? Do I have what it takes? Will I get the highest score in the class? Will that one dork fuck up the curve for the rest of us? These are all common questions that run rampid thru students preparing for their Final.

That is all students, accept for the Asian students. That's right. If you want to know what makes today's Asian students masters of academia, its one word and one word only - that is CHEATING. If you still believe that the group of Asian students got to the lecture hall 3 hours before the exam began and sat in the farthest darkest corner because "it was the only quiet place on campus" then you are simply an idiot. For some reason, when Asian students enter a classroom they become a "Band of Brothers" who come together to defeat a common enemy - the professor. Even the smartest Asian kid in the class who doesn't need to cheat gets conned into doing it, and they become the eye of the hurricane. They are the cheating nucleus if you will, from which all other asian students will get their answers and pass their examination.

While most students are up all night pounding coffee and memorizing formulas, the Asians are working out seating structures, information exchange passages, and cough/sneeze signals. All the while they look like a group of innocent do-gooders, who are simply "catching a cold" under the stress of all the studying for the Finals. The genius is that although the professors suspect something nothing can be done about it. The one thing that Asians do in these situation is look out for one another. If America's best cheating crew is good at what they do, than like a well-choreographed break-dancing team each exam will have an individual appeal to it, however together it will be a brilliant display of harmony, and execution.

So the next time you walk into a lecture hall and notice a group of Asians sitting in the back corner "studying" don't disturb them. Simply ask what it will take to get in on the action.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Yoga - Not Just a Cool Trend Anymore

I remember a long time ago when Yoga was thought of as some weird stretching done by spaced out guys in the jungles of India. It is no longer the case. I recently learned that more than 15 million Americans practice yoga now. That number shows an increase of nearly 30 percent just last year. Bikram Yoga is the hottest new trend of Yoga. As NPR describes it its where "Western Capitalism meets the spiritual teachings of Yoga". With thousands of Bikram Yoga studios across the nation, Bikram Chowdury has setup quite a Yoga Empire unto himself.

Recently many friends of mine have started yoga as well. What I find quite ironic about this is that these same friends when they were told about the benefits of Yoga by their parents found it to be "hindu witchcraft" and are now realizing the untapped resource they had inherited from their culture. What I find more fascinating is the spiritual aspect of Yoga. It seems to be the only venu I can think of where one gets to be spiritual, and relaxed, without any agenda of religion.

I recently had a few yoga lessons myself from a friend of mine who became a certified instructor. At first I didn't know what to expect. However, by the end of the lesson I was beat. I can honestly say that it was one of the most punishing, intense, and blissful workouts I'd ever done.

Desi Parties

Aaaah yes, the Desi Party. Where you wait in line, till your hands go numb, and hope to grind on a drunk Indian girl before her friends spot you and pull you away. I feel in today's day and age the desi party is almost a right of passage of Indian College Students in America. This right of passage is present everywhere, however, in the NY/NJ area it is very prevalent. For those of you who may not know, "Desi" is a slang term for Indian, and a "Desi" party is one that is predominantly Indian. The DJ is Indian, the attendees are Indian, however the bouncer is always Black (usually a big dude).

I remember my first Desi Party like it was yesterday. I was too cheap to pay for the coat check so I waited in line without a coat on a January night in New York. The bouncer kept yelling at people to form a line, and being that everyone was Indian, nobody could understand this concept. There was always 1 or 2 Indian guys with cell phones or walkie talkies going in and out of the place like they were important and there were always hords of idiots trying to tell them that they are important and worthy of entry. "Bro, I'm Samir's girlfriend's brother. he didn't tell you I was coming?" Retarded phrases such as these fill the air, and undoubtedly result in the Indian with the walkie talkie telling the Bouncer "I don't know him. Unless he's got like 6 girls with him, he doesn't get in". Of course, by doing this he was only teasing the poor bastard.

My favorite part of Desi Parties is all the planning involved. First you lookup the party (, then you find out who is going. As a guy, the critical thing was to always try to roll with girls, so you didn't look like a loser. You finally decide on a place to pre-game and off you go. The doors open at 10 PM but because your Desi - just to be safe you show up at 9, and the line is already half way down the block. You wait, and wait, and finally the group in front of you gets in. Just when you begin to give up hope you hear those magical words "Let me see your ID please". With shivering hands you give the bouncer your id, and get your ticket. At this point you've never been so glad to pay $20 to walk into a place. Finally, you step foot inside the club and out of the cold, and its a huge family re-union.

Off to the bar you go! Some SoCo and Lime shots are downed (manly enough, and weak enough for the Indian tolerance). The music is always pretty good, and you like a gazelle in the wild you look for your prey. An Indian girl who happen to be dancing by herself. You soon realize this is not the case, and they only travel in packs. So then you chug your drink, and go behind an unsuspecting lady with your liquid confidence. Slowly you approach her. She's not looking and neither are her friends. You make your move! You rush behind her before any other guy can and start violently banging your crotch against her behind in hopes of serenading her. She turns around and gives you a sign that you may continue. Your in! You'v e captured your prey. Your feeling victorious. Just before you let out the Johnny Drama Victory yell, you've been spotted by her friend. She does the unthinkable. She grabs the girl away from you and leaves you by yourself.

In conclusion, this cycle is repeated many times. Each time your dissed the number of shots taken increases. Then in order to hold your head up high the Dj plays Bhangra and you find your boys and dance as if that was what you went for in the first place.

The Perception of Indians

I think we've come along way when it comes to the perception of Indians. At one point we were the smelly weird people, that ate monkey brains (Thanks to Amrish Puri, and Indiana Jones - the Temple of Doom), and then we became the doctors and math geeks, and now thanks to Kumar (from Harold & Kumar), we are the pot heads. Its quite a remarkable evolution if you think about it. I mean, once you are accepted into the pot realm, I think you've thoroughly been embraced by the Western Culture. Oh sure, occasionally we'll get mixed up for a terrorist, but once they know your a fan of chicken tikka, the guards come right down.

I find it amazing how perceptions of entire cultures can change thanks to the actions of a few. More and more I see Indian people blending into Western or in my case American society. Everyone from Dr. Sanjay Gupta from CNN to the crazy Indian guy in the movie Beerfest are a part of main stream media. We have a senator in the South (who would've guessed that one), and we have Upen Patel in Bollywood. However, the one thing that convinced me that Indians have invaded the western culture, and they are here to stay was when I saw a Punjabi dude, and a Sardhar dancing to Michael Jackson on Britain's got talent ( I mean if we're doing the moon walk and dancing to Michael and in the same song throwing in some "Hadi-pas!" we're definately a part of main stream media in Western Culture.

I think Simon says it all when he says "We weren't expecting that", although he was talking about the two guys on stage, it almost seems metaphoric in terms of what Indians are doing in the world today. You gotta love a culture that brought you microfinancing and a character who would literally have sex with a bag of weed.