Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Gays and the Indians

A sudden realization came over me when I least expected it. I couldn't believe what I had just realized, but it was about to change the world as we know it. Well, not the world for everyone, but the world for 2 groups of people. The Gays and the Indians would never be the same after the realization I had just made. Now maybe my realization will not change the course of humanity, but maybe it will.


On a cool Spring evening, some friends and I decided to go out to dinner in a wonderful Italian restaurant in New York City. Dinner was planned between my buddy and his wife, along with me and my wife. I had made dinner reservations, and the place was packed. However, when my buddy showed up he was with his wife, along with one of their good friends. I went over to my buddy, and gave him a hug, and said "the more the merrier". With that I took off to notify the hostess that there was an extra person who'd be joining us for dinner.

We waited for a table to clear off, and decided to kill the time with good wine, and even better conversation. I hadn't had a chance to hang out with my buddy for a while so it was nice to catch up. He introduced me to his friend who I'll call Jack. He told me that him and Jack have been friends for a very long time, and Jack had just moved back to New York City from the west coast and was looking for a new job.

There were a few characteristics about Jack that kind of stood out. For example, he was really proper, and well groomed. I was expecting him to be British, but he was definitely American. His accent and stories of where he grew up were all American. However, there was something a bit more refined about Jack that I couldn't put my finger on. Eventually the hostess started calling us over since our table was ready, and I went over to the bar to close out the tab. When he got my attention to notify me that our table was ready, was when I realized what it was about Jack that was a little bit different. The way he said "the table is ready" and the gesture he made with his hand had said it all. Jack was gay.

However, Jack wasn't flamboyant gay, he was definitely more subtle. However, his eccentricities stood out in the little motions he made, and the proper way he answered questions. In any case, this is New York City. A gay man at an Italian Restaurant in New York is as common as a camel in the dessert. Eventually, the drinks kept flowing between all 5 of us, and the conversation got louder and the laughs got heartier. Jack was quite open about talking about being gay and he had quite the sense of humor.

While we were eating, another person in the restaurant came over and asked "Jack, is that you?" Jack got up and said "Oh my god! Its so good to see you", and gave the stranger a hug. Although I don't remember the stranger's name, the man did something to Jack which changed my life forever. He smacked Jack in the belly, and with absolute certainty stated "What happened to you? Looks like somebody forgot where the gym was and started going carb-crazy. You've gained some weight buddy, and you need to hit the gym". Now, Jack went on to explain how they'd "hooked up" back in the day and that's how he knew that guy. He also went on to explain how a lot of gay guys are in incredible shape, and how he quit his gym membership since he was unemployed. However, while Jack kept talking, I was in shock at what I had just realized.


Several years ago, I was in India attending a friend's wedding. My friend's mother had insisted that his sister get her eye brows done for all the pictures that would be taken. I jokingly told my friend's sister that she should have her eye brows looking as clean as possible for all the bio-data boys that her parents would be trying to hook her up with. She didn't find my comment too funny. In any case, my friend's sister refused to get her eye brows done in India, because she didn't trust any of the salons, and she had sensitive skin. Her mother's nagging reached new heights, and my friend's sister decided that it would be best to just get the eyebrows done.

She should've listened to her instincts. By the time the salon lady was done with her eyebrows, my friend's sister's sensitive skin had an adverse reaction to whatever powder or cream the lady was using. She begrudgingly got back and her forehead looked like a swarm of wasps just had an orgy on it. At this point, the wedding ceremonies were about to begin, and this poor lady had no choice but to put on a brave face, and don her new outfit and go take those pictures.

The minute she went to the ceremony people just kept coming to her and saying things like "What happened to your face?" "Did you use soap this morning?" "Why does your forehead have so many red zits on it. You need to do something about that". This poor girl couldn't say anything. When I asked her "don't you want to tell these people to shut up?" She explained to me "This is India. If you've got a wart on your face, people will tell you. They won't let it go unnoticed and they'll point out everything wrong right to your face. You can get upset, or you can be glad its not happening behind your back. At the end of the day, there's nothing you can do they are Indian and that's how they are".

Just like that I couldn't believe how right my friend's sister was. Indians are like that. They will tell you things to your face, and have no shame in doing it.


The waitress came back with our food. We started eating and other friends of the guy that Jack hooked up with whom he had known came over to say hi. One by one each one of them came over and said hello. Of course, they didn't just say hello. They said "Hello, what the hell happened Jack? You trying out to be the next Michelin man?" You all must be thinking, how big was this Jack guy? He was about 5"6 and 170 lbs. Not big at all.

However, I was thinking oh my god. All these gay guys are Indian. They were all actually white, but the way they were acting made me realize a very obvious fact. That when it comes to appearances, especially negative appearances there is very little difference between Indians and Gays.

Both have no shame at all in front of complete strangers to point out your negative flaws, and both have no problem doing it right to your face. For whatever it's worth, I guess its better than creating unnecessary gossip. You think I"m crazy? I'll point out some more "coincidences":

1) If you go to India, it is common for men to walk while holding each other's hands
2) If you go to India, guys will stand around with their hand in each other's back pockets, and its totally "straight"
3) Indian guys love Ed Hardy (I mean, really do I need to clarify this one? The t-shirts look like someone bedazzled Elton John's underwear)
4) In India, the "cool" guys at the clubs wear their button down shirts with the top 4 buttons undone
5) In India, you can shake a man's hand and he may continuously shake it, and not let go of your hand until you yank it away

Now, I'm not here to tell you that all Indians are gay. However, I am here to tell you that all Gays are at least a little bit Indian.