Creep & Grind

If you were born somewhere between 1970 and 1998 there is a good chance you went to a party. There is an even better chance that at that party they played some hip-hop music. If you're lucky, you may have even had the good fortune of "grinding" with someone. Now, you must understand that grinding and dancing is two completely different things. Don't believe the hype, grinding is simply grinding, and dancing is dancing. Dancing involves coordination, and rhythmic symmetry displayed in articulate movements shadowed by both people. Grinding involves a stiff drink, a stiffy, and inhibition.

Now according to this article by wikipedia, they claim it is a dance which involves "two or more dancers rubbing their bodies together, especially the genitallia". Of course, like all inaccurate websites they fail to give you the truth. Don't worry though, the Indian guy is here to tell you the truth. According to my research, grinding was discovered in the jungles of India. That's right, I'm gonna be the first one to come out and say it. There was a guy, who was trying to seduce a girl, and he ran out of ideas. She did not accept his jalebis (Indian sweets), and when he sang to her she cried because he was so bad. One day he was sitting in the jungle, and he noticed the mating rituals of monkeys. He noticed how the male monkey simply did not take no for an answer. Every time the male monkey tried to talk to the female monkey, the femal monkey would slap him in the face, but he stayed the course. Eventually when the female monkey was not looking he crept behind her and did his thing. When the monkey was done he yelled out a Borat style "Great Success!"

Upon witnessing this, the Indian realized "Of course", I must do the creep and grind. At the next cultural festival, he used this mamallian technique. At first, he kept getting dirty looks, and even threats. However, there was a moment in time when she was alone, and waiting in line for some water. No one was around, and he made his move. He went behind her and did his thing. She was surprised, shocked, and strangely satisfied. The first succesfull creep and grind in history was accomplished! He went on and spread the word to his friends. Of course, Indians are known for a variety of things, and the inability to keep secrets is definately one of them.

Now some will tell you its inappropriate to grind, but if monkeys can do it, and we're higher creatures then they are, then shouldn't we be able to proudly display our natural abilities? The creep and grind isn't for everyone. If you are the type of person who worries about what others may think, this may not be the right thing for you. However, I must warn you that the hardest part of this dance is the "Creep". In my estimation, the most succesfull people when it comes to the art of the "Creep" are stock brokers, because to these people its a numbers game and you just don't take no for an answer. The more you leads you hit, the better your odds are of a favorable response. Of course this requires, lack of grace and shame, but the juice can be worth the squeeze.

The "Grind" on the other hand is the reward for the hard work. Like anything in life, you have your own way of getting your reward. You can use the numbers theory which works well for many people, or you can do something that hasn't been done in years. You can actually try to ask someone for a dance. Now, I know I mentioned that grinding is not dancing. However, you must understand that we are animals. Like all animals we have our own techniques of attracting our prey. Some animals make themselves look like something else, and then strike when the prey is close. Others, ask women for a dance in a nightclub, and then when the booze has hit, and she yells out "Ooh! This is my song!" in one swift motion you can go from artful dancer, to shameless grinder. Like all succesfull hunters it helps to deploy a team strategy. Usually having your friends distract her friends can ensure the grind goes more succesfully.

The one thing I must urge everyone, is that there is an unspoken rule. Under no circumstance shall anyone EVER stare at another couple grinding. Its like having someone watch you while having sex. Sure there are those who are into it, but for most its an invasion of privacy.