The Jersey Guy

I'm sure you've all experienced it. Your out on the town having a good time with your friends, and you come across "that guy". You know, the guy who talks as if he knows everything about everything. He's done everything you have, only better, and he knows the same things you know, but he's only smarter. Yes, ladies and gentleman, you have encountered what I like to call a Jersey Guy. I can't explain it, and I don't know how it happens, however I am convinced that no matter where you go in the world, you can find someone from New Jersey. I had my first taste of this when I was in Mexico at a bar, waiting to go to the bathroom and a bunch of guys started chanting "Let's Go Yankees!" (For some reason all Jersey Guys seem to be Yankees fans). India, China, South America, Europe, you name it, there are people from Jersey all over! It truly is one of humanities most mysterious phenomenon's.

I recently had one of these experiences in NYC. I was out having a good time and I encountered the quintessential Jersey Guy. He was talking to me about life, love, philosophy, and of course he's the guy who "comes here all the time". I didn't know what to do. I was stuck between a guido and a hard place. I had my cousin hanging with me on the side, so I dragged him into the conversation with me. The Jersey Guy gave us all kinds of information on love such as "bro, if she ain't your best friend, than fugggedaboutit if your thinkin of marrying her". Of course two minutes later when his girlfriend went to the bathroom, he started staring at other girls and grabbing his crotch and saying things like "Do you believe this girl? Bro, she's buuuuuutiful". In any case, we endured this until he had to leave. I think it was more like therapy session for him, because he seemed to be a lot calmer after our conversation. And, by conversation I mean he was talking and I was forced to listen. By the end, I got a bro-hug from him, and he told me he'd see me later.

Now, I"m sure many of you have had similar experiences. However, the Jersey Guy experience is truly one of a kind. Therefore, I thought I'd do society a public service and identify some key characteristics of Jersey Guys so you happen to know one when you come across one.

1. Italian by nature - For some reason, no matter what nationality your Jersey Guy is, he will always try to act Italian. All sentences will begin with "Bro" and they will end with either "you kiddin me? or Fuggedaboutit" For example, my Jersey Guy was Dominican, but he was talking and gesturing like he was first generation Corleone.

2. Full of Advice - Another tell-tale of a Jersey Guy is the fact that they are always full of advice. But be careful, because even though they are full of wisdom that they've picked up from Fortune cookies, they are never willing to take their own advice. However, they will insist that you take their advice. In fact, if you don't take their advice your an idiot. It really is awesome, to see the amount of advice that's dished out in classy places such as the local tavern. Everything from career advice, to love life, to the etiquette of cheating are all subjects that have been mastered by the Jersey Guy.

3. Full of stories - No matter what situation you are talking about, the Jersey Guy has a story where he can relate. You can be talking about doing charity work in the slums of Mumbai to create housing for the underprivileged, and the Jersey Guy has a story where he thinks he can relate. Of course, for a Jersey Guy, sleeping with an ugly woman, counts as charity. You can say something like "this one time, I saw a homeless kid, so I got him a meal, and gave him some money", and a typical Jersey Guy response can be "Yeah, I know what you mean bro. Its important to do some charity once in a while, its good. This one time, there was this braud who was horrendous. Poor girl was just standing by herself, looking all ugly. I felt bad, so I took her back to my place, banged her, and gave her money for a hot meal in the morning. Its important to do these things, its Karma you know?"

4. Mayor - This is absolutely one characteristic that is always there. Its never the first time at a place for a Jersey Guy. No matter where you meet this person, its almost as if they are compelled by a Jersey God to say "Yeah, I come here all the time". You can be at the grand opening of a club, and the Jersey Guy will tell you he comes there all the time. In fact, they also feel the need to let you know that they know the owner and bartenders, and everyone else involved with the establishment. Of course, when you ask them why it takes so long to get a drink, they will tell you that just because they know the people they don't want to be rude to the other people at the club. I cannot explain this one, but I guarantee you that if you meet a Jersey Guy in a place, he's been there before, and he will assure you that he is the mayor of the club.

5. Ladies Man - I'm not sure I even have to say this, but every Jersey Guy is always a self-proclaimed born ladies man. They usually happen to know a girl or two at the bar or club, however they will always forget to mention that the girl is his sister or cousin. I mean, if you are going to give out all this advice on Love and women, you have to have the experience to back it up. There is a secret black book of numbers that nobody has seen, however if you've met a Jersey Guy that has a girlfriend, he will tell you that he had to give it up, or "retire" it. I always find the word "retire" funny when it comes to guys and their black book of booty calls, because I wonder if just like many players that book can come our of "retirement".

6. No Hand Shakes - Jersey Guys don't shake hands. They bro-hug. In case you don't know, a bro-hug is the process is outlined below:

a. Step back, then proceed to lean in with the right hand extended as if to arm wrestle
b. Hands must slap then clasp in arm wrestling formation
c. Upon clasping the rest of the body must follow through and meet the clasp in the middle
d. The left hand must make a fist as the body is leaning in
e. The left-handed fist must gently tap the other person in the back with the thumb and index
fingers pointed inwards

So there you have it. These are some characteristics I find fascinating and remarkable about Jersey Guys. Of course, just as in all aspects of life, Jersey Guys come in all sizes, shapes, and colors, and each one is unique in their own way. So throw a Corona in the air, cheers them off, and let the good times roll.

Social Skills

Today more than ever we are more social creatures than we've ever been. With the invention of things like Myspace and Facebook we are more interconnected than we've ever been. However, in the words of Spiderman "with great power comes great responsibility". I say this humbly because I think with the invention of all these websites, we as a people are losing the most basic things that our ancestors gave us - social skills.

I stumbled upon this brutally realistic realization at work of course. When you're in sales you come across all kinds of people either for work or because of it. If you enjoy people watching, and making stupid comments to yourself about your observations, its a great gig. However, sometimes you come across just a one-of-a-kind person and it makes you wonder, "wow, that person actually exists. Yep, that just happened!" So to help my fellow members of humanity I thought I'd come up with a list of 5 things you should avoid doing so people don't know you're a social retart:

1 - A person who brags about their past
Just like nobody cared about Al Bundy and his 4 touchdowns in one game, nobody wants to hear about you and your "hey day". The fact that you're bringing it up to brag about it, is usually a sign that your making up everything that is coming out of your mouth. The fact that in the middle of a light moment during a business meeting you start joking about how before you got married you used to be more "aggressive" with the ladies and you aren't any more, simply says that you've probably memorized every season of Stargate, and that you were more likely to be recognized at the Star Trek Fan Club instead of the Delta Ki frat parties

2 - The person who insists on buying everything
We all know that now more than ever, companies are scrutinizing expense reports more than ever before. So in the words of Bill Maher stop "acting like a pimp with a week to live". There are so many approvals required before you can get that final approval on that report, and until you get it, you are sweating like John McCain in a Vietnamese restaurant. So please playa, let's take it easy, and let someone else buy the next round.

3 - The bad dancer
Now as rare as it is, it is possible to have a round of drinks end up at a place that has a dance floor. There is one rule above all others that need to be followed. If you're a guy, please keep the Chip'n'Dale dance routine away from the dance floor. If you do this, you will probably sacrifice your career along with your dignity. If you're a woman, please remember this is a work event, and you shouldn't "bend ova to the front and touch yo toes". If you are a person who enjoys break dancing as a hobby, please remember that your review at the end of the year has to do with your performance at work, so don't try to battle on the dance floor.

4 - The guy filled with awkwardly inappropriate comments
Now, there is a difference I should point out here. There are those who can say something that is not appropriate at all, and still make it funny and as long as it gets a laugh out of everyone, I think its okay. But then there are those who just don't know when to stop or just pull crap out of no where that just makes everyone feel a bit weird. For example,

Client: Man, the waitresses in here are really pretty
Salesman: Yeah, did you see the one with the blond hair
Client: Yeah, she is gorgeous
Salesman: I would love to just bang the hell out of her until she screams and asks for more!

I'm pretty sure, that would be the end of the night right there, and I'm also pretty sure you lost a client.

5 - The hangover guy
Its tough enough to keep clients. We live in a world of increased competition. So when you can't remember what the hell you said to your client the night before, it is NOT an advantage. Also, showing up to your morning meeting and puking up last night's last shot and then going into your meeting, can mean only one thing. You better have some damn good notes for the meeting! Its pretty tough to convince your client that you are worthy of their business and you are completely on top of what's happening when you can't remember that you told them you loved them the night before. Also, its even more difficult to keep your client, when they had to pay for you to get back to your hotel.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that when it comes to work these are probably some social behaviours that need to be avoided for a successful career. These are probably also some things that should be avoided if you want to retain business and get new business. However, if you cannot control yourself, just try not to be a combination of all the things mentioned above.

The Natural Way

There are many things Indian are notorious for. The Kama Sutra, getting jobs in Atlantic City, and Bollywood Dance sequences in the rain. However, there is one thing that all Indians just seem to do, and no one seems to understand why. It happens all the time. Its almost like they can't control themselves. I've actually even once seen an Indian try to control himself, but it just didn't work, he couldn't hold it in. To this day I haven't figured it out, however it just seems to be a common thread that ties all freakin Indians together of the world. Maybe it happens because of the deep rooted history of Yoga and Ayurveda that stems from India. However, it just seems to me, that everywhere I go for as long as I can remember every Indian seems to have some "natural remedy" (of course they pronounce it nay-choo-ral). I can't think of a better example than what I witnessed a few weeks ago.

We were having a typical Indian family dinner. There were too many people, and not enough room, and so we decided to sit on the floor of our family room to accommodate the whole clan. Aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, siblings, everyone was there. We were all eating and having a good time, and someone brings up the topic of Swine Flu. Someone said something like "Swine flu is now in India, and people don't know what to do". To which I responded, "How about not eating all that junk off the street vendor's carts, I'm sure that doesn't help". At the time, I thought this was a perfectly logical statement to make.

Then it happens.

For some reason, Indians (especially older Indians) seem to have this weird sense of immortality. My uncle starts talking about how its not a big deal. "You would not believe....in India...they have the Nay-choo-ral cure for the Swine Flu!" He claims. For some freakin inexplicable reason, everyone else in the family jumps right in and goes "yeah, that must be right. In India, we have the nay-choo-ral cure for all these things". I couldn't believe it! I almost spilled my daal when I heard this exchange take place. It just so happens to be, that this same uncle of mine has a daughter who had just finished studying for her MCATs and was trying to get into medical school. So I turn to her and said, "what say you, future MD?" Being the veteran child that she is, she looked up and simply said "yeah, I suppose its possible" (she then nodded her head in disapproval to me later).

There is an unspoken rule about natural cures when it comes to Indians. That rule is simple, if someone claims a natural cure exists, no one is allowed to deny it. Its this same unspoken rule that has turned my mom into a "Natural" MD. She claims that diabetes can be cured by touching certain parts of your hand, and cholesterol can be controlled with a variety of "Nay-chural" cures. The other unspoken rule about natural cures, is that you are never allowed to call out the person who makes the claim. For example, my mom has diabetes, but she also has a bunch of natural cures for diabetes. No matter where we are, no one will ever ask her, "well, if the natural cures work, why haven't you followed them, and why aren't they working for you?" Doing this, is the equivalent of cheating on your spouse.

Do natural cures exist? Maybe. I once went to an Ayurvedic doctor many years ago, when I was probably in the best shape of my life. Of course, I was working out every day and eating right to get in shape for none other than spring break (but that's another story). This man, was missing his wring finger on his right hand, and he proceeded to take my pulse with that same hand. He than looks up at me and says "On the outside you look fine, healthy, and built, but on the inside your body is suffering". I was like "what?!". He than asks, "when you sleep on your arm at night, do you feel a tingling sensation?" "Yes, that's what happens when you cut off blood flow" "No" he claims, "that is not supposed to happen". He then asks "When you sit on the floor with your legs crossed, do you feel numbness in your legs?" Again, I said yes. "You see, that should not happen". Now, I'm no doctor. However, I'm pretty sure that if you sit with your legs crossed, or fall asleep on your arms, there is a good chance they will go numb, you know, because blood doesn't get there. He then prepared a combination of herbs that smelled like a combination of wet-carpet, and breakfast burrito fart. Needless to say, I did not take the concoction. However, I was pretty surprised, when he showed me his "nay-choo-ral" remedy for erectile dysfunction, and he told me that I didn't have to be embarrassed if I wanted to try it. Needless to say, I passed on the offer and headed for the door.

In any case, I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm sure there are natural cures/remedies, but can we stop making them so sacred? I don't understand how a culture gives so much high status and encouragement to their children to go to expensive medical schools, but then doesn't believe in the things their children have learned there. Maybe that's another trait of Indians?

Some Guys Have All the Luck

Let me first start out by saying, that although we try not to do it, it almost always happen. Of course, I am talking about generalizing. We try to be better than that, however when you are confronted by certain inevitable truths over and over again, it is simply human nature to generalize. As long is it is good traits, people seem fine with it. For example, saying something like "Asians are good at math" seems to be socially acceptable. However, saying something like "man, those white guys stink at basketball" seems to get some people upset. Well, I have a a generalization today that I'd like to talk about, and I hope it is not insulting. Yes, my generalization has to do with black people. So here it goes...

I know what you're thinking I"m gonna say something about intelligence, or maybe even customer service. But you'd be wrong. My generalization, is more specifically about black guys. In my observation, which I've seen in many social settings, in many different cultures, the one thing I always seem to notice over and over again is how black dudes always get the ladies! There! I said it! Call me curious, or just stupid, however for some reason I seem to notice in every club I walk into, in every party I attend, the black dudes are always lined up with the hottest girls in the place. So being the curious adventurer that I am, I began to wonder. I wondered, what is it about black guys, that just seems to give them an edge over their competition? By competition, I mean the rest of male civilization that is not black.

To start with I threw out physical characteristics, because I'm of the opinion that you can find beautiful people from just about any ethnicity. Than I began to look for things that black guys seem to have in common, that others don't. After much pondering, I got it. Confidence! In my experience, I don't think I've ever met a black guy who simply was not confident. I used to work for a company making "cold-calls" which is a fancy way of saying telemarketing. I remember my first call I made, I got cursed at by the CEO of a company who slammed the phone in my face. My friend Michael, who was black and sat besides me saw what happened and simply said "Sheet man! You gonna let someone talk to you like that! Hell no! We don't take that shit! Man, we are doing these jerks a favor, they just don't know it. Our jobs is to make them know that we are helping them out! C'mon man! You don't let nobody talk to you that way". Michael, was a high school graduate who was working at this company to make money to help him pay for college. I was a college graduate, and I was getting schooled!

Another example of how black dudes are just confident happened to me over the weekend. I was helping out at a store, and a Haitian man walked in with a towel around his waist, a t-shirt on, and sneakers. I thought to myself "this man, must really be looking to get hammered if he didn't even have time to put something on over the towel". Another female customer looked at him, and simply said "You always wear a towel and v-neck t-shirt when you leave the house? Is that your style?" Without even being phased, he simply looked at her and said "Na, this ain't my style, but I can make it my style, if you know what I mean." He then turned around smiled, paid, and left, and that lady spent the next 5 minutes talking about him.

So it seems, that for some reason, again, in my experience that black guys just seem to have more confidence than their "competition" on a large scale. I mean if an angry CEO isn't gonna shake a black guy's confidence, than women really don't stand a chance against these guys. From spring break parties, to NYC night clubs, these guys just seem to walk around with an air of assurity, that helps them do one thing that most guys spend a good amount of time trying to figure out...how to efficiently "slay dem ho's", I mean attract women for physical intimacy. This logic seemed to make sense, and it seemed to be fairly accurate, however I still wasn't quite sure. Than a friend of mine told me "Men fall in love with their eyes, and women fall in love with their ears". This seemed to give my hypothesis a little more strength.

However, when I read "this article" I knew that I was spot on! Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, was visiting Kenya during her African Tour. It was during this visit that a man offered 40 goats and 20 cows for Chelsea's hand in marriage! That's right! If that's not confidence, I just don't know what is.

So yes, I did generalize. And yes, I do understand that not every black guy will be this way. However, it just so happens to be that every black guy I've met seems to be this way. So go on, wear a funny looking hat, or walk around in a towel, because as long as you know you can pull it off, you're gonna be "slayin em" I mean, catching their attention for physical attraction.

Facebook: Disconnecting People?

Hello people, I hope you're all doing well. I apologize for not posting in a while, I've been quite busy. Anyhow, I guess after all this time, the one thing I learned, is that writing is kind of like working out. No matter how long its been since the last time you did it, its always a good idea to start up again and get back into it. In that spirit, I shall try my best to keep going forward.

In any case, I was recently enjoying a lazy Sunday, and I came across this article in the Chicago Tribune about how Facebook could be destroying relationships. Are you freakin kidding me! According to the article, the new study shows that Facebook causes people to get jealous, and then go out on Facebook, and find evidence there to support their own jealous claims / thoughts. I have news for everybody. Facebook is NOT destroying relationships. PEOPLE are destroying relationships!

I love how everytime we can't control ourselves, we try to find something else to blame. The problem is not facebook, the problem is people, and their stupid jeaousies. Facebook is only a medium. Blaming Facebook for destroying relationships, is like blaming the doctor who brought you into this world, because you're homeless. He had nothing to do with it! He just brought you into the world, the fact that you suck at life, is not his fault. Just like the fact that you can't trust your partner, is not Facebook's fault. Maybe your boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't be "Superpoking" their co-worker by giving them a digital quickie. I don't know, I just find it kind of ironic, that a group of people were paid to conduct a "study" to measure this kind of stuff. I've never been approached for this kind of study, where do they find their subjects?

Now don't get me wrong, the study is not entirely useless. There is some truth to this. If you have a lot of time on your hands, and you can check out people's Facebook status's all day long, than there is a good chance that you may find something you don't like. However, that's not the point. The point is that people are actually trying to blame Facebook for their own stupidities. For example, the relationship options on Facebook are kind of ridiculous. There is an option to say that you are "married" to someone, or even say you "hooked up" with someone. I wonder what's stopping Facebook from just putting up an option to say "Did the dirty in a highway bathroom with" as an option. I'm sure there are people in Congress that can relate. Perhaps, even an option for the South Carolina Governor could be "Flew to Argentina and had a love triangle with" as an option.

I don't know, maybe its me. However, I think at the end of the day, people need to say what they mean, and mean what they say. Its harder than you think. There isn't a Facebook option for it.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I can't take this anymore! Things are getting out of control, and someone needs to say something! Men, of all ages and backgrounds need to agree with me on this one and revolt! Yes, I'm talking about the lack of RESPECT a man has to put up with AFTER he gets into a relationship.

Let's be honest, when guys are single, they are free-willed, free-tongued, and free-spirited. When they get into a relationship, they give up some of these freedoms for love (but most times sex). However, nowadays, it seems more and more that women are taking our quietness to be weakness. It happened to me, and I was a victim, but I didn't say anything. Than I saw a buddy in the same situation. Finally, I had to speak out.

To make my point, let me give you an example:

Girlfriend: I need help with my paper, I just don't understand how derivatives are calculated in the financial market

Boyfriend: Hey sweetheart, I'm in the financial market, and I work on derivatives all day, I can help you

Girlfriend: Na, but you don't know what your talking about. This is different. You won't get it

Boyfriend: I'm telling you sweetheart, its not that complicated. Derivatives are just financial contracts, where the value of the contract is derived from something else.

Girlfriend: I don't know, that doesn't sound right. I'm gonna ask someone else.

At this point the girlfriend will then call a random friend who will tell her "Derivatives are just financial contracts, where the value of the contract is derived from something else." At which point the boyfriend will say "I told you", and the girlfriend will just dismiss him.

I don't understand how this happens. Before guys and girls start dating they are completely infatuated with each other, and there is a healthy respect for the other person's point of view. Then when you become the boyfriend you also become the dumb ass that doesn't know how to do anything. The woman completely disregards his opinions, and the stops giving a sh*t and becomes like Al Bundy. Then women wonder, why this happened.

Ladies, listen up. Just because we may not know the exact way to pick out a towel to accentuate a bathroom, doesn't mean we're not good at what we do. I once heard a girl say to her boyfriend who was a doctor, "Oh, you won't get it, I'm gonna ask a real doctor". If that was me, I'd probably knock her up and then during labor, I'd say "Oh, I'm gonna get a real girlfriend".

All I'm trying to say ladies, is that you gotta have a little faith in your instincts. Your sexual instincts told you to date/sleep-with/marry a guy for a reason. Trust your instincts, and have a little faith in your man when he tells you he can do something. Of course guys, please don't screw this up because you only get one chance. After that, you are the dumb ass that can't get anything right. You will forever be laughed at by your girlfriend's friends and will never be allowed to engage in any thoughtful conversation.

So in the words of Ms. Franklin "Yeah, baby, I want a little respect".

Stereotypes

Let's face it. As people, we are wired to generalize. Its not our fault, its just that reality can be so overwhelming at times. For example, if you go to 5 different Best Buy stores and had a miserable experience with their customer service representative, and let's say for example that all of them happen to be Black, you will assume that all Black people are horrible with customer service. Is this true? Of course not, I'm sure somewhere out there is a Black person who is also good at customer service. These generalizations, can almost occur for anything. I"m not just limiting it to race. It can be generalizations about race, ethnicity, religion, and even sex. For example, all men are horny (okay, maybe this one is true).

For the last decade or so, Indians have been working very hard to wash off some of the generalizations and stereotypes made about us. Lets be honest. Everyone always would make fun of Indians and call them smelly, weird, or people who eat monkey brains (thanks Indiana Jones). However, in the last few years with Indians cracking the top 5 wealthiest people in the world, the emergence of Aishwarya Rai, and of course Slumdog Millionaire, Brown is the new Black. Thanks to Harold and Kumar Indians can be pot heads, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta even gives us a nice little advantage in making Indians look smart.

However, morons like this guy are really not helping our cause. If you read this story an Indian dad who fathered 7 daughters has decided not to wash himself in 35 years in an attempt to hopefully father a son! What the hell man!!!!! What are you doing?!!!? He supposedly takes a "fire bath" which in his own warped freakin opinion is just as good as a "water bath" for killing germs. Of course, the rest of society disagrees and the guy lost his job, and no one wants to be near him.

I'm pretty sure that this regimen will guarantee at least one thing. He probably won't give birth to another daughter. In fact, I'll be pretty freakin surprised if anyone gets close enough to him so that he has a chance to father anything else at this point. By the way the guy is in his 60's and still gunning for a son. I guess that's another stereotype of Indians - stubborn.