Facebook: Disconnecting People?

Hello people, I hope you're all doing well. I apologize for not posting in a while, I've been quite busy. Anyhow, I guess after all this time, the one thing I learned, is that writing is kind of like working out. No matter how long its been since the last time you did it, its always a good idea to start up again and get back into it. In that spirit, I shall try my best to keep going forward.

In any case, I was recently enjoying a lazy Sunday, and I came across this article in the Chicago Tribune about how Facebook could be destroying relationships. Are you freakin kidding me! According to the article, the new study shows that Facebook causes people to get jealous, and then go out on Facebook, and find evidence there to support their own jealous claims / thoughts. I have news for everybody. Facebook is NOT destroying relationships. PEOPLE are destroying relationships!

I love how everytime we can't control ourselves, we try to find something else to blame. The problem is not facebook, the problem is people, and their stupid jeaousies. Facebook is only a medium. Blaming Facebook for destroying relationships, is like blaming the doctor who brought you into this world, because you're homeless. He had nothing to do with it! He just brought you into the world, the fact that you suck at life, is not his fault. Just like the fact that you can't trust your partner, is not Facebook's fault. Maybe your boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't be "Superpoking" their co-worker by giving them a digital quickie. I don't know, I just find it kind of ironic, that a group of people were paid to conduct a "study" to measure this kind of stuff. I've never been approached for this kind of study, where do they find their subjects?

Now don't get me wrong, the study is not entirely useless. There is some truth to this. If you have a lot of time on your hands, and you can check out people's Facebook status's all day long, than there is a good chance that you may find something you don't like. However, that's not the point. The point is that people are actually trying to blame Facebook for their own stupidities. For example, the relationship options on Facebook are kind of ridiculous. There is an option to say that you are "married" to someone, or even say you "hooked up" with someone. I wonder what's stopping Facebook from just putting up an option to say "Did the dirty in a highway bathroom with" as an option. I'm sure there are people in Congress that can relate. Perhaps, even an option for the South Carolina Governor could be "Flew to Argentina and had a love triangle with" as an option.

I don't know, maybe its me. However, I think at the end of the day, people need to say what they mean, and mean what they say. Its harder than you think. There isn't a Facebook option for it.

The Downfall of India - 2 minutes

I recently spent a few weeks in India, and have spent my whole life being surrounded by Indians. There are many things this culture has to offer and there are many things to learn. In the past decade or so, India has really grown by leaps and bounds to come to the forefront of economic and business growth. There are so many wonderful things happening in India right now. For example, there is actually a legitimate space program to get Indian Astronauts on the moon. All this is creating tremendous opportunity for Indians. I also happen to work for an Indian Pharma company. Pharma companies have really taken off over the last few years with the accessibility to generic drugs.



All these wonderful things are happening, and India will never become a superpower. India will have a tremendous downfall from grace and it will not be pretty. There is one thing I've observed about Indians that is universal, and it is a key flaw to who we are. No matter where in the world you go, you will find Indians, and I guarantee they will have this flaw. They cannot get rid of it because I'm convinced it is genetically encoded into their bodies. Whether they are old or young, smart or stupid, rich or poor they all have this horrible flaw, and it is this flaw that will keep businesses from prospering, communities from organizing, politics from ruling, and sex from happening.



What is the flaw you ask? Well, the flaw is very simply the words "two minutes". After spending 3 weeks in India I probably heard the words "two minutes" at least a hundred times a day and it freakin drove me nuts! These two words are the kiss of death for success among Indians and for India as a nation. It is because of these two damn words, nothing will ever get completed, and procrastination will always be prevalent in Indian society.



How can this be? What do these words have to do with anything? To an ordinary observer these two words are simple, and even innocent. However, to anyone who has ever had to rely on an Indian to do anything on time, they've undoubtedly been told that whatever it is they want will get done in "two minutes". The truth is, its never just "two minutes". Its usually twenty freakin minutes, or tomorrow, or never!



Let me give you some examples:



Patient: Doctor, when will the results be available?

Indian Doctor: Two minutes

- 8 days later the patient is dead from a heart attack because the doctor procrastinated



IT Manager: When will the database be ready?

Indian IT guy: 2 minutes

- The company goes out of business because when the guy said "two minutes" he actually meant I'm going to forget to do what you asked me to, and the company will be in a mess



Indian guy (going on a date): Hey I'm downstairs, are you ready?

Indian girl (going on a date): I will be downstairs in two minutes

- In reality she is still getting in the shower. The Indian guy will wait, and wait, and wait some more. Eventually she will come outside, and the guy will have died from carbon monoxide poisoning.



Indian father: Son, did you send out my application to get a passport so I can come to America?

Indian Son: Dad, I'll do it in two minutes, I'm busy right now

- The father will not get his passport, and he will have to illegally sneak into the country and work at Dunkin Donuts for the rest of his life.



Indian Husband: Sweetheart, I just took some Viagara, when are you coming out of the bathroom?

Indian Wife: I'm just fixing my hair, I'll be out in two minutes

Indian Husband: Who cares about your hair! I'm good to go!

Indian Wife: I want to look pretty for you.

- In reality, the guy will have watched anything on Cinemax, did what he had to do, and by the time the "two minutes" have passed the husband will be long asleep, preventing the birth of future generations.



Indian College guy1: Dude, are you ready? What's taking so long? We gotta get to this Desi party by 10 or else we won't get in

Indian College guy2: Dude, I just need 2 minutes.

- In reality collge guy number 2, is shaving his pubes, blow drying then waxing his hair, ironing his clothes, putting on his facial lotion, and then getting ready. By the time he gets out of the shower it will be 10:30 and the 2 poor bastards will end up spending the whole night looking good and waiting in line.



All I'm saying, is don't ever use the words "two minutes". We all know what that means. It means I don't give a crap about you, and you can wait for me. They are two very dangerous words, and they will be the downfall of Indians all over. Indians cannot live without saying those words, and as a result anything and everything no matter how critical it is, will simply wait.

The Stank Profile

I've come to the conclusion that although we are all unique as humans, as cultures we have several traits that help identify us and provide a common thread for people of a certain background, creed, or location. I am not a racist, or any kind of ..-cist, however I've realized that different people have different odors...which I like to call the Stank Profile.

Where did this genius revelation come from you might ask? Well, it happened yesterday evening when I was at the Ft. Lauderdale airport Chili's restaurant grabbing a bite to eat waiting for my flight to arrive. I was eating my chips, and blackbean burger, when out of no where a gentleman comes next to me and asks if the seat next to me at the bar was available. It was so I said "Its all yours". I then returned to take another bite into my veggie heaven sandwhiched between to pieces of bread with just the right amount of hot sauce, and it happened. A nauseating odor had infiltrated my nostrils. It was highly repulsive yet familiar. Then I realized, I recognized this odor from the gym. It was the stank of an African-American man-sweat (my buddy that used to spot me at the gym, stank like this all the time after some cardio).

In that instant, not only did I abandon my meal, pay my bill, and get out of there, I also realized that we as humans have a stank profile. This is the general profile of odor we emit when our deoderants and anti-perspirants have failed us. I've narrowed them down to the following:

Indians - A combination of paprika, lemon juice, & diarrhea

Blacks (by this I mean those from the islands as well as Africa...I don't mean this in a racist way) - a combination of sweat, rotten lettuce, & stale beer

Whites (non-Jewish) - a combination of burnt hot dogs, puke, and olives

Whites (Jewish) - a combination of spoiled cabbage, wet hair, and mayonnaise

Hispanic - a combination of refried-bean-fart, jalapenos, & Taco Bell meat

Oriental - a combination of burnt-oil, cough syrup, and onions

I hope I did not offend anyone by this, I was hoping to offend everyone equally. Actually, if your honest with yourself, you may even find some truth in these observations.

Just Stop

I'm finding more and more that people feel the need to impress others. I don't know why, and I can' t explain it, but for some reason, people just feel the need to show that they "know someone" or "have been somewhere" that's really cool. The first time or two you hear it at a party or something, you let it pass, but after a while it just gets down right annoying. My advice to these people is to "Just Stop!"

First of all, what you think is really "crazy and cool" is probably not so crazy and cool to someone else. For example, a guy was telling me how he and his friends are so "wild", and that when he went to Vegas, they partied til like 4 AM. That's nice and all, but it doesn't mean much to someone like me, who has done that in New York, and made it to a 7 AM conference call afterwards. The worst has to be the people who tell you a story and then when the next person comes, the story just gets bigger and bigger. I was at a house party and someone was telling me "yeah bro, I had a bottle at this one club, and we were chilling with these girls who worked at Scores, and then we headed back to my place, for some you know what" he smirked. Then my buddy comes by, and the story becomes "yeah bro, we were at Bungalow 8, and I had a bottle of Cristal, and we were hanging out with Playmates, then we headed back to my place for you know what". Let me tell you something buddy....I DO know what. I know that there was no club, no bottles, no babes, and you headed back to your place for some late night Cinemax!

Its in times like these, when my cousin, has the best line. When this happens my cousin simply tells someone, "Yo, stop trying to impress me. I'm not impressed, so you can stop now." Simple, yet effective. With this new found line, I've begun my conquest to set people straight by putting one boastful person in place at a time. Sometimes the result has been a laugh, and at others its been a middle finger. However, the best is the pure look of shock on someone's face, when you actually call them out. If you want to see something funny, the next time someone starts telling you a story, utter these words "Yo, stop trying to impress me. It ain't workin", and the results will magnanimous.