Social Skills

Today more than ever we are more social creatures than we've ever been. With the invention of things like Myspace and Facebook we are more interconnected than we've ever been. However, in the words of Spiderman "with great power comes great responsibility". I say this humbly because I think with the invention of all these websites, we as a people are losing the most basic things that our ancestors gave us - social skills.

I stumbled upon this brutally realistic realization at work of course. When you're in sales you come across all kinds of people either for work or because of it. If you enjoy people watching, and making stupid comments to yourself about your observations, its a great gig. However, sometimes you come across just a one-of-a-kind person and it makes you wonder, "wow, that person actually exists. Yep, that just happened!" So to help my fellow members of humanity I thought I'd come up with a list of 5 things you should avoid doing so people don't know you're a social retart:

1 - A person who brags about their past
Just like nobody cared about Al Bundy and his 4 touchdowns in one game, nobody wants to hear about you and your "hey day". The fact that you're bringing it up to brag about it, is usually a sign that your making up everything that is coming out of your mouth. The fact that in the middle of a light moment during a business meeting you start joking about how before you got married you used to be more "aggressive" with the ladies and you aren't any more, simply says that you've probably memorized every season of Stargate, and that you were more likely to be recognized at the Star Trek Fan Club instead of the Delta Ki frat parties

2 - The person who insists on buying everything
We all know that now more than ever, companies are scrutinizing expense reports more than ever before. So in the words of Bill Maher stop "acting like a pimp with a week to live". There are so many approvals required before you can get that final approval on that report, and until you get it, you are sweating like John McCain in a Vietnamese restaurant. So please playa, let's take it easy, and let someone else buy the next round.

3 - The bad dancer
Now as rare as it is, it is possible to have a round of drinks end up at a place that has a dance floor. There is one rule above all others that need to be followed. If you're a guy, please keep the Chip'n'Dale dance routine away from the dance floor. If you do this, you will probably sacrifice your career along with your dignity. If you're a woman, please remember this is a work event, and you shouldn't "bend ova to the front and touch yo toes". If you are a person who enjoys break dancing as a hobby, please remember that your review at the end of the year has to do with your performance at work, so don't try to battle on the dance floor.

4 - The guy filled with awkwardly inappropriate comments
Now, there is a difference I should point out here. There are those who can say something that is not appropriate at all, and still make it funny and as long as it gets a laugh out of everyone, I think its okay. But then there are those who just don't know when to stop or just pull crap out of no where that just makes everyone feel a bit weird. For example,

Client: Man, the waitresses in here are really pretty
Salesman: Yeah, did you see the one with the blond hair
Client: Yeah, she is gorgeous
Salesman: I would love to just bang the hell out of her until she screams and asks for more!

I'm pretty sure, that would be the end of the night right there, and I'm also pretty sure you lost a client.

5 - The hangover guy
Its tough enough to keep clients. We live in a world of increased competition. So when you can't remember what the hell you said to your client the night before, it is NOT an advantage. Also, showing up to your morning meeting and puking up last night's last shot and then going into your meeting, can mean only one thing. You better have some damn good notes for the meeting! Its pretty tough to convince your client that you are worthy of their business and you are completely on top of what's happening when you can't remember that you told them you loved them the night before. Also, its even more difficult to keep your client, when they had to pay for you to get back to your hotel.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that when it comes to work these are probably some social behaviours that need to be avoided for a successful career. These are probably also some things that should be avoided if you want to retain business and get new business. However, if you cannot control yourself, just try not to be a combination of all the things mentioned above.

Facebook: Disconnecting People?

Hello people, I hope you're all doing well. I apologize for not posting in a while, I've been quite busy. Anyhow, I guess after all this time, the one thing I learned, is that writing is kind of like working out. No matter how long its been since the last time you did it, its always a good idea to start up again and get back into it. In that spirit, I shall try my best to keep going forward.

In any case, I was recently enjoying a lazy Sunday, and I came across this article in the Chicago Tribune about how Facebook could be destroying relationships. Are you freakin kidding me! According to the article, the new study shows that Facebook causes people to get jealous, and then go out on Facebook, and find evidence there to support their own jealous claims / thoughts. I have news for everybody. Facebook is NOT destroying relationships. PEOPLE are destroying relationships!

I love how everytime we can't control ourselves, we try to find something else to blame. The problem is not facebook, the problem is people, and their stupid jeaousies. Facebook is only a medium. Blaming Facebook for destroying relationships, is like blaming the doctor who brought you into this world, because you're homeless. He had nothing to do with it! He just brought you into the world, the fact that you suck at life, is not his fault. Just like the fact that you can't trust your partner, is not Facebook's fault. Maybe your boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't be "Superpoking" their co-worker by giving them a digital quickie. I don't know, I just find it kind of ironic, that a group of people were paid to conduct a "study" to measure this kind of stuff. I've never been approached for this kind of study, where do they find their subjects?

Now don't get me wrong, the study is not entirely useless. There is some truth to this. If you have a lot of time on your hands, and you can check out people's Facebook status's all day long, than there is a good chance that you may find something you don't like. However, that's not the point. The point is that people are actually trying to blame Facebook for their own stupidities. For example, the relationship options on Facebook are kind of ridiculous. There is an option to say that you are "married" to someone, or even say you "hooked up" with someone. I wonder what's stopping Facebook from just putting up an option to say "Did the dirty in a highway bathroom with" as an option. I'm sure there are people in Congress that can relate. Perhaps, even an option for the South Carolina Governor could be "Flew to Argentina and had a love triangle with" as an option.

I don't know, maybe its me. However, I think at the end of the day, people need to say what they mean, and mean what they say. Its harder than you think. There isn't a Facebook option for it.

The Downfall of India - 2 minutes

I recently spent a few weeks in India, and have spent my whole life being surrounded by Indians. There are many things this culture has to offer and there are many things to learn. In the past decade or so, India has really grown by leaps and bounds to come to the forefront of economic and business growth. There are so many wonderful things happening in India right now. For example, there is actually a legitimate space program to get Indian Astronauts on the moon. All this is creating tremendous opportunity for Indians. I also happen to work for an Indian Pharma company. Pharma companies have really taken off over the last few years with the accessibility to generic drugs.



All these wonderful things are happening, and India will never become a superpower. India will have a tremendous downfall from grace and it will not be pretty. There is one thing I've observed about Indians that is universal, and it is a key flaw to who we are. No matter where in the world you go, you will find Indians, and I guarantee they will have this flaw. They cannot get rid of it because I'm convinced it is genetically encoded into their bodies. Whether they are old or young, smart or stupid, rich or poor they all have this horrible flaw, and it is this flaw that will keep businesses from prospering, communities from organizing, politics from ruling, and sex from happening.



What is the flaw you ask? Well, the flaw is very simply the words "two minutes". After spending 3 weeks in India I probably heard the words "two minutes" at least a hundred times a day and it freakin drove me nuts! These two words are the kiss of death for success among Indians and for India as a nation. It is because of these two damn words, nothing will ever get completed, and procrastination will always be prevalent in Indian society.



How can this be? What do these words have to do with anything? To an ordinary observer these two words are simple, and even innocent. However, to anyone who has ever had to rely on an Indian to do anything on time, they've undoubtedly been told that whatever it is they want will get done in "two minutes". The truth is, its never just "two minutes". Its usually twenty freakin minutes, or tomorrow, or never!



Let me give you some examples:



Patient: Doctor, when will the results be available?

Indian Doctor: Two minutes

- 8 days later the patient is dead from a heart attack because the doctor procrastinated



IT Manager: When will the database be ready?

Indian IT guy: 2 minutes

- The company goes out of business because when the guy said "two minutes" he actually meant I'm going to forget to do what you asked me to, and the company will be in a mess



Indian guy (going on a date): Hey I'm downstairs, are you ready?

Indian girl (going on a date): I will be downstairs in two minutes

- In reality she is still getting in the shower. The Indian guy will wait, and wait, and wait some more. Eventually she will come outside, and the guy will have died from carbon monoxide poisoning.



Indian father: Son, did you send out my application to get a passport so I can come to America?

Indian Son: Dad, I'll do it in two minutes, I'm busy right now

- The father will not get his passport, and he will have to illegally sneak into the country and work at Dunkin Donuts for the rest of his life.



Indian Husband: Sweetheart, I just took some Viagara, when are you coming out of the bathroom?

Indian Wife: I'm just fixing my hair, I'll be out in two minutes

Indian Husband: Who cares about your hair! I'm good to go!

Indian Wife: I want to look pretty for you.

- In reality, the guy will have watched anything on Cinemax, did what he had to do, and by the time the "two minutes" have passed the husband will be long asleep, preventing the birth of future generations.



Indian College guy1: Dude, are you ready? What's taking so long? We gotta get to this Desi party by 10 or else we won't get in

Indian College guy2: Dude, I just need 2 minutes.

- In reality collge guy number 2, is shaving his pubes, blow drying then waxing his hair, ironing his clothes, putting on his facial lotion, and then getting ready. By the time he gets out of the shower it will be 10:30 and the 2 poor bastards will end up spending the whole night looking good and waiting in line.



All I'm saying, is don't ever use the words "two minutes". We all know what that means. It means I don't give a crap about you, and you can wait for me. They are two very dangerous words, and they will be the downfall of Indians all over. Indians cannot live without saying those words, and as a result anything and everything no matter how critical it is, will simply wait.

Holiday Party

It is that time of year. People are making lists of whose been naughty, and whose been nice. Another religious excuse to get drunk is on the horizon, and odds are that if you are in a parking lot somewhere, someone is cursing you out. That's right folks, the holidays are here. Along with all the aforementioned formalities of the Christmas Holiday season, there is one tradition that corporate America follows. Of course I am referring to the company Holiday Party. Most people behave in a socially acceptable way when in an office, however when these same people are placed in front of an open bar and a dance floor the true debauchery is exposed, and the animal within cannot be contained. Undoubtedly this will lead to some cheers, jeers, and a re-enforcement of the sexual harassment class you took on the following business day.

However, as the Indian Guy, I would like to expose you all to a Holiday Party of sorts, that might not be so traditional. I would like to expose you to the world of Holiday Parties for Indian companies. Over the past few years, I've had the unique experience of working for companies who are based out of India. This in and of its self deserves its own blog, however for today's discussion I will stick to the topic at hand. In my experience, there are holiday parties, and there are Holiday Parties - the Indian Way. What's the big deal? You guys don't even celebrate Christmas! What's so special about your party? These are all legitimate questions, but in my experience Indian companies have a way of celebrating holidays that aren't theirs in quite the unique way.

First of all, a fancy banquet hall is usually rented out. It looks typical to start with. You have food, you have booze, you have a questionable and borderline inappropriate DJ, and of course what separates this Holiday Party from all the other HR controlled parties, are the employees. You see employees of an Indian based company tend to be a microcosm of the nation of India its self. They want to let loose, and be themselves, but for worry of perception they manage to keep themselves in check most of the time. However, when celebrating the birth of the Lord (that they don't believe in), inhibition is left at the cubicle. Sarees, business suits, and scandalous dresses make their way into the hall. The first thing you'll notice is that people tend to be a bit more "touchy-feely". By this I mean, a funny remark will get a soft slap on the shoulder (or what I call the love tap), which may not ordinarily be there.

Once the booze starts to pick up steam, things get really interesting. I once saw an Executive get two Johnny Walker blacks neat, and his wife said "Honey, your driving". To which he put up his hand, nodded his head, and softly said those famous words, "Its okay. I'm okay". Which he seemed to be, until he got up and started singing Jingle Bells with an Indian accent. Imagine Abu from the Simpsons, with a slightly slurred speech singing Jingle Bells. Being the good employee that I am, I also encouraged him to sing the "Batman smells" rendition, which I don't think his wife was to fond of.

Now this may not seem like a big deal, but what this did was set a precedent. After everyone saw this guy, people started going nuts. I heard someone yell "I go dry, you die!" to the bartender with a laugh that was more serious than jovial. In my opinion things got really weird, when the 45 yr old Spanish lady started "feeling it". The DJ started playing some hip-hop version of the electric slide and Ms. Latina was all over the dance floor. She was singing, cursing, and shakin her money-maker. Then the DJ played a little bhangra, which got the Indians up in a frenzy and onto the dance floor. Once the dance floor was packed, the DJ did something that was completely unexpected. I was shocked.

You have to understand, that by now the party was in full swing. Corporate jargon was turning into ebonics, and people were yelling things like "Raj, you fuckin Benchod! Take another shot with me" and that was coming from our Administrative Assistant. I had seen a lot of things, but when the DJ started playing Lil' John, I knew the party definitely took a new turn. A turn, that I won't soon forget and this party was definitely kicked into a whole new gear. Now the Indians didn't know what Lil' John was so they just pointed their index fingers in the air, shrugged their shoulders and danced. However, all the Americans were boozed up, and yelling "What! Yeah! ....Okay!". What shocked me the most was when the 45 year old Latin Lady literally "bent ova to the front" and touched her toes. It was like someone flipped a switch and the air was sucked right out of the room.

Lucky for me, after witnessing that miracle, dinner was being served. Greygoose had to wash down every bite after witnessing that. After people had some food in their system, they were a bit calmer, and the party seemed like it was coming to an end. Me and my buddy were waiting to get our coats, and as we are waiting my friend yells out "Oh my gooood! What the hellllll!" I look over to see that the Latin Lady had literally just cuffed my friends ass, and almost lifted him a few inches off the ground! Meanwhile, his pregnant fiance was next to him in shock. After the crazy lady left, he turned and said to me "I feel so cold, and alone". I wanted to give him a hug to comfort my friend, but I was afraid the damage was done.

The best part of Holiday parties is the next day at work. It really is amazing to me how people have selective memory. The crazy lady went up to my friend and said, "Hey, here are the reports let me know what else you need". To which my friend responded, "Oh don't worry, I won't be needing anything else from you, you've done enough".

Giving Thanks

Its that time of year again. The trees are naked, the air is cold, football is in full swing, and we are humbled once again. For it is that time of year when the Native Americans traded some corn with the Europeans who later turned out to be their "Frenemies". However, the important thing to remember is that this is the time of year when we enjoy the two days off from work, stay at home with the ones we love, and fill our bellies and our hearts with cholesterol, fat, and love. But more importantly, it is the time of year when we give "thanks". Its not an easy thing to do. We are always griping and bitching about the things we don't have in our every day lives, that we overlook all the wonderful things we do actually have. With that being said, I The Indian Guy would like to share what I'm thankful for.

The first and most important thing I am thankful for this time of year is the Patel Convention. What is the Patel Convention you may ask? Well just as the royal families in history wanted to make sure they stayed in power and kept all the riches in the family, the Patels of this world, are continuing this tradition in today's day and age. The Patel Community of the world has accomplished and achieved a lot. To keep these accomplishments for themselves, the Patel's designed a system wherein their kids can marry other Patels, and not let anyone else in and ruin the "chosen blood". That's right, the Patel Convention is the meat market of the Patel community, and it is where kids go to find a future "partner" in marriage (or for the night), and parents go to congregate and vent about how old their kids are getting and not finding anyone. You see, in the Patel community, having a child that is not married past their mid-20's is a disgrace to the family and the parents of the child may even feel like they ruined the world with an ugly child or even worst, maybe they have to admit that they are not capable of producing pretty children because they are not pretty. NO! That is not the case, for Patels are not allowed to be ugly! Thank god, all is safe.

The next thing I am thankful for is the Patel Women of the Patel Convention. Ah yes, there are few things in this world that are as unique as a Patel Woman at the Patel Convention. There are not too many women who have the ability to grind with you, maybe even hook up with you, and then tell you that you are not worthy of dating because you come from New Jersey and you must be a "playa". Just because two people hook up after 5 minutes of talking and 2 shots, does not make the guy a "playa" because he's from Jersey. It makes the girl a "fun" girl, and the guy an "opportunity seizer". It sure is a beautiful thing when a girl who you try to hook one of your friends up with, gets mad at you because YOU were not interested in her. However, you didn't want to ask her out for yourself because she was older than you by a couple of years, and Patel women are just not comfortable with dating a younger guy (even if he reads at an older level). However, after you do ask her out and date her, she has the right to be mad at you for being too young. Only a Patel woman can make you feel special and stupid at the same time. It truly is a rare thing.

Another thing I am grateful for of course are the guys of the Patel convention. You see, Patel guys don't like to be too confrontational, however they can be extremely competitive. So what do they do? Well, they cock block, but not in the traditional way. The Patel convention is the one place in the world, where a guy can compliment you so much that you actually look bad. How can this be? How would you even go about doing this? Well, the savvy Patel hater has developed a way. For example, when you are talking to a girl, a guy that you've never seen may come up to you in front of the girl and say something like "Yo! What's up bro! Man, this guy is such a player! I can't even believe how many women this guy was with last night. You're the man bro!". He will drop this little bomb, and then walk away, and also watch the girl get disgusted by your promiscuous ways, and leave. Thanks a lot douche bag! However, not all the Patel guys are bad, there's just a few rotten apples. The Patel Convention is the one place where you will probably make more friends with guys than with girls. Its probably the one place where you will meet another fellow Patel who thinks your cool and will buy you a drink from the other side of the room, just because its a Friday afternoon and the game is on and your not working. Its also the one case where guys may even get a bit too drunk and start telling you their dark secrets such as "Bro, I barely know you, but I feel like I can trust you with this. I met a girl, but I have a crush on her mom, and I can't control myself. I'm gonna make my move at Garba tonight".

All in all, I am thankful for the convention of Patels and the many memories it has given me. Its the place where I first got wasted, and the place where I will always go to feel at home. Although I may not find my wife there, I know its the one place I belong. To call the Patel Convention a failure just because you don't find your marriage partner is like calling Hugh Hefner a failure for not finding true love. Sure, he may not have exactly what he's looking for, but I think most of us would settle for what he's got.

Guys Night

I would like to respectfully submit a new term to be used for today's society. I hereby submit "Manledge". I think all guys in their 20's should have Manledge. I think a course in every educational institution should be provided for Manledge. What is "Manledge" you may ask? Manledge is the knowledge that all guys should have to be succesfull in today's society. For example, a course on Manledge would teach a man in his 20's/30's (since 30 is the new 20) to:

1. Know how to get into a club
2. Order a bottle of wine
3. Have a proper first date
4. Plan a "guys night" out
5. How to make a tie

As I look around these days more and more men, are becoming submissive. They don't know how to do the essentials required for survival and are paying someone to do it for them. Bull crap I say! I don't care if your an 18 yr old teenage millionaire, you won't get laid if your date finds out you're wearing a clip-on. I think I will start a series of various topics of which I believe Men - especially in their 20's and 30's (since these are the crucial years that determine if you'll be cool or not in life), should know how to do.

Today, we begin with planning a guys night out. All guys, should know how to kick it with the boys. Most people have the following kind of guy friends:

1. The Player - all he cares about is ass
2. The Cryer - always has a sob story
3. The Overachiever - loves his job more than sex
4. The Underachiever - loves to "talk" about work, but does not actually do any
5. The Drama King - Can't pump gas without getting into a fight
6. The Rockstar - Seems to always have everything that everyone else wants

When planning guys night, you must cater to all of these personalities. Usually a bar/grill type restaurant along with a night-spot is a solid plan for a guys night. When planning a guys night, it is essential to pick a place that has lots of eye candy and scenery (by this I mean hot women). Although the Chicken Fingers or the German Brews might be tasty, they'll taste like crap if you don't have someone to ogle while enjoying them. Depending on what part of the world you are in, you can usually find some fun laid-back restaurants that have a good bar, and then hit up a club afterwards.

There are certain ground rules that MUST be followed:

1. The kids gotta be put to sleep - By this I mean all phone calls with the girlfriends/wives/children/mistresses have to be done and accounted for before the festivities begin. You are not allowed to miss a shot-taking opportunity because your girl wants to tell you she misses you. If you do, you buy the next round, Bitch.

2. Everyone should pitch in - No one person should end up taking the financial hit. At the same time don't bust out your pocket calculator every time a bill comes around. As a guy you should be alright with numbers, and if your not, then the waiter/waitress should get the benefit. Unless one of your friends is a filthy rich prick, by the end of the night everyone should have done a similar amount of damage to their wallets. It is okay however, for the rich prick to insist on buying bottle service and letting him take the hit, however in return you must be nice to him for the rest of the night, and even offer him a drink that he paid for once in a while.

3. You are NOT allowed to call anyone out - This is a big one. When your having a guys night, it is perfectly fine for your friend to tell someone he's a Formula 1 race car driver. If he tells a girl he is trying to impress that your the dude that manages him, you MUST act accordingly. You are not allowed to call him out. As a friend, it is your duty to ensure your buddy is in the best possible position to get this woman's panties to drop. At the same time your buddy must be there for you.

4. You are NOT allowed to bring baggage - By this, I mean everyone is there to have a good time. This is not the time to share the news that your getting a divorce, you miss your girlfriend you just broke up with, or worst you've decided your gonna go thru with your sex-change operation because you feel "trapped". Save it for another night. Tonight is the night to get your drink on, act silly, embarrass yourself a little bit, and maybe even get laid. The penalty for bringing on this kind of distress, is that you automatically become designated driver, and all night long your friends are allowed to tell any hot girl your talking to that you have gonorrhea.

5. Sneak Attack -At any guys night you must be prepared for the "sneak attack". What is the sneak attack? The sneak attack happens when you and your boys are at a place, and your girlfriend, or the significant other of any of your boys also "happens" to be there, or she decided to come out and meet you there. You must always be prepared for such occurrences. Women, usually don't like to see guys having so much fun by themselves, and will interject some vaginism on the night. As you and your boys are taking a shot she may come and give you a "cute" kiss on the cheek, or she may steal you away from your boys to furiously make out with you and / or dance with you. If this happens your boys have the right to make fun of you. In unison they are all allowed to yell out "awwwwwe", then point their fingers and laugh. They are also allowed to be sarcastic for the rest of the night. They can say things like "Bro, you look nice in a dress sometimes" and all you can do is take it like a man. Additionally, if required, your girl/significant other must also be prepared to talk up one of your buddies and help him get laid. For dropping the sneak attack, she must use her feminine powers of persuasion to get girls to put out for your boys.

Now, you have to remember that not everything always goes according to plan. If shit hits the fan, as a guy there is always a "Wild Card" that you can use. That "wild card" is the strip club. It is acceptable to resort to strip club for any guys night. A strip club is a wild card because it is the one place on planet Earth where all of your boys will be satisfied. For $20 a woman will listen to you talk about your project at work, while riding you like its the Kentucky Derby. For $40, she might even let you grab a boob while you explain to her the new wireless protocol your going to be implementing at work. A strip club for guys night should be used like you would use a car for sex. When there is no other option, and when it is absolutely necessary.

The East Has Embraced The West

Mahatma Ghandi worked incredibly hard to promote non-violence as a peaceful solution to bring change. Jerry Springer, not so much. Although Jerry's end-of-show Monologues are quite moving and philosophical, if you've ever seen his show, you quickly realize that the moral standards end there. Fast forward to 2008. An Indian Game Show called Dadagiri, which is supposedly India's attempt at Fear Factor according to this article had an episode that would make Jerry Springer pop a Masala Boner!

If you check out the clip in that article, you will realize that we Indians have officially embraced the one element of Westerm culture that we were hesitant to jump on. That's right folks! We have now gone down the twisted roads of Reality TV and people with no shame, and called it "Dadagiri" (which in my language means being a wise ass). In this clip, there is a tall, good looking woman who looks like she hasn't been laid in years. Apparently, one of the guy's says something to tick her off (probably somewhere along the lines of "damn girl, just because you ain't getting any doesn't mean you have to be such a bitch"), and she does what most woman who are unsatisfied, and pissed off tend to do when a man is around, she resorts to violence. She bitch-slaps him like he's a chump in the WWF wrestling league!

Not to be outdone, our suave superhero retaliates by slappin her back like he's a pimp and she didn't pay up! On top of that he yells the words "How can you slap!? How can you slap?" This particular moment in Indian TV, pretty much exemplifies the problem with Indian dudes. We act in the heat of the moment, assume we are right, and after we've slapped the shit out of somene we ask how they had the nerve to do it to us! You gotta love it. Of course, like most Indian dudes who act this way, the guy gets his ass kicked, and eventually everyone ends up knowing about it.

When I was growing up my old-school Indian parents always liked to highlight how Indian culture was more "civilized" than the western culture. They would always associate excess/irresponsibility with the West, and control/discipline with the East. I think its safe to say that times have changed, and my parents are probably glad that their son is not on TV slapping any women. My personal theory, is that Indians always had it in them to be degenerates and irresponsible, but just didn't have a means of living that allowed for it. I mean you can't be a lazy bum and a farmer at the same time. However, with economical success, comes stupidity. A smart person once told me that "if you want an idea to be succesful make sure its either the smartest idea in the world, or the stupidest, those are the only ones that seem to be succesful". Clearly Dadagiri is a case for the latter.

Sex - A Measure of Progress

The last decade or so has shown us an economic boom in the world like none ever witnessed in the history of mankind. As a result we now live in an age where there are more billionaires walking the Earth than ever before. One of the biggest places of this economic boom has been India along with China. In these past few years these two countries which were once considered 3rd-world are now a nesting place of wealthy people. Have times changed? Yes, absolutely. But has society progressed? How does one measure the progress of a society? Is it simply by seeing the standard of living go up, or is there more?

Well, luckily for you the Indian Guy has the answer and the standard of living alone is not a good sign of progress in society. The true sign of progress in a society is determined by how openly the society allows its members to talk a bout sex. That's right folks, I am of the firm belief that the more openly we are able to talk about sex, the farther along we've come as a civilization. With this measure in mind, I'd like to say India's society has progressed by leaps and bounds. Just look at this article below:





This article is from a news paper in India. There is a column by Sexologist Dr. Kavan Lakdawala. In this column his readers can send him some questions, and he gives appropriate sex advice. I'd like to take this moment, to substitute in for Dr. Lakdawala and give the advice of The Indian Guy on some of these questions that have come in:

I had tuberculosis a year ago. I'm off medication. Can I enjoy my sex life?
Hell yeah you can enjoy your sex life! You should've been getting some TB Sympathy sex, but because you didn't (since you were dumb enough to think you couldn't hump and recover at the same time) you now have to make up for it. Take out your dong-wrap and get to work buddy!

Recently I had sex with my wife. My foreskin tore. There are red spots on my penis. What is that?
First of all please take some grammar classes. Second, congratulations on having a wife you actually have sex with - that's great. The red-spots are what we Americans call "rug burn". It means you were at peak performance, and your break pads wore out, and you ended up cutting into your rotor.

I have pain in my lower leg. Could masturbation be the reason? I used to masturbate a lot but I've stopped now.
Okay, I heard it can make you blind, but I have not read any confirmed reports about it causing restless legs syndrome. Masturbation from all accounts should not have anything to do with your leg, however it may cause some nasty tennis-elbow. Also, I don't believe you when you say "I've stopped now" - that is just a bold lie.

I enjoy stimulating my wife manually. She also enjoys the act and helps me to ejaculate. Is this safe?
Buddy, please clarify the difference between manually and automatically? If its what I think it is, then yes, it is safe, but your getting the raw deal. She has all the fun, but you do all the work, and the little guy gets no action. Does your wife also stimulate you manually? Doing this is like sitting inside of a Ferrari but not putting the key in the ignition. How do you know what it sounds and feels like unless you start her up?

I'm having an affair with my neighbour. She wants to have sex with me. I'm 22 and she is 27. Is this okay?
First of all, if you haven't hit that, then your not having an affair. Your just fooling around and avoiding getting caught. The good news is that she's older than you, and she wants to have sex with you. As a result not only is this okay, its also encouraged - you may learn a thing or two. Just remember, don't be a fool and wrap your tool. You don't want to know why the neighbours children have your eyes playa.

Recently I had sex with my uncle is my virginity in tact?
What the fuck!? What the fuck are you thinking? NO your virginity is not in tact, and neither is your sanity you crazy bitch. Avoid all family reunions for the rest of your life, and please do NOT play with your cousins any more.

In conclusion, sex is quite a taboo subject in a country like India. However, because of the problems with Aids, and the idiots who think they can't catch it, its nice to see that there are forums for people to learn a thing or two about doing the hanky-panky. But clearly, sometimes you don't need to know everything.

Stickin It To The Man

We live in tough times. The dollar is sinking, and cost of oil is sky-rocketing. Jobs are scarce, and those who have them should consider themselves lucky. Employers, seem to be able to do what they want when they want, and sometimes expose their employees to horrific injustices.

However, according to this article a noble few are standing up to these grave injustices. According to a recent survey pointed out in that article 39% of people surveyed between the age of 18-24 years of age would consider quitting their jobs if they banned access to Facebook. That's right these few, proud members of society have the courage to stand up for what's essential to career development and that is the ability to superpoke someone!

Although the author of the above mentioned article thinks this is ridiculous, I say to her "oh yeah, well what if someone is talking smack about me on their wall? Huh?!? Then what am I supposed to do?" At a loss for words? I thought so. Facebook is an essential part of our culture. Not only do we need to access from our work computer, but the corporate blackberry's should have the application there, so we can constantly update our status.

9 AM: "Raj just got to work"
9:30 AM: "Raj just got coffee"
10 AM: "Raj just noticed the receptionists boobs"
10:30 AM: "Raj is going to take his morning dump now"
11:30 AM: "Raj is back and relieved"
12 PM: "Raj is off to lunch"
1 PM: "Raj is feeling sleepy"
2 PM: "Raj just had an unexpected boner and had to sit at his cubicle til it passed and was late for the meeting"
3 PM: "The meeting was pointless, and Raj was assigned more work"
4 PM: "Raj just beat his bitch ass friend Sanjay in Scrabble on Facebook!"
5 PM: "Raj is checking out the happy hour"
5:01PM: "Raj thought about asking the cute receptionist to come, but then pretended he had a cough and kept walking"

Can't you see how these facebook status updates are not only useful to employers, but society in general? What is wrong with this lady? She just needs to get with the times. My guess is that she hasn't been superpoked in while or worst. Someone posted a picture of her without tagging her (gasp!), I can't even think of the horror.