The Asian Paradox

Humans stereotype. Its not right, but it happens. When you live in a world when you repeatedly see the same behaviour from a group of people depending on their background, race, or ethnicities, in our own minds we tend to generalize. Its something we just do, and we've got to live with it. For example, if I see a black person I think poor customer service skills. I don't want to, but it happens. In that same regard, when one thinks of Asians, I'm willing to bet we all think one thing. You guessed it - CHEAP.

Asians in my estimation have equaled the Jewish stereotype of cheapness if not surpassed it. I mean I once went into an IHOP where my Asian friend asked if there are free refills on the sodas before ordering one. Why do so many Indians own hotels? Obviously so they don't have to purchase toiletries for the family and can write them off as a business expense. Its just the way it is. Asians are ridiculously cheap. However, the other thing Asians also happen to be is HORNY. This is not a stereotype. This is the simple truth and we've got the population numbers to prove it. I believe something like one out of every three people in the world is Chinese. It got so bad, that the government had to start taxing horniness to control the population.

So what happens then, when an Asian enters a strip club? It is quite a conundrum. Its quite baffling to the ordinary non-Asian person. Its like putting the energizer bunny into a shoe box. They have so much pent up energy, they are bound to explode. Why is this the case? Well, its because this is one of the few situations where innate Asian instincts conflict with each other. I mean, its a good thing that lions don't have this problem. Every time a hot lioness walks by, they would forget to hunt, and die out as a species. What I've observed is the following stages usually occur:

1. Shame - How did I convince myself to get here? This is so wrong. Will god ever forgive me?

2. Self-doubt - What kind of person am I that my friends persuaded me to come? I should have been stronger.

3. Gradual Consent - Well, now that I'm here I might as well get a drink right? All the women are so friendly, they must be happy to see me. Why wouldn't they? I'm a fun guy. Besides, I'm having a good hair day and Candy noticed. BUT, No matter what, I will have fun on a budget.

4. Eruption - I am the freakin man! Hey waitress you and your friends have a shot on me! Yo boys, lap dances all around! Go get em! I gotch you kid! I got this! Hey Candy, you ready for a few more songs?!? I thought so. Let's get it started, we are partyin tonight! You know what...? Forget it, let's just go to the champagne room, and not waste any time - I'm in love! Candy: Yeah, I think your real cute. Did I ever tell you I always had a thing for computer programmers? Asian: Hell yeah you do, because we know how to use our hardware baby!

5. Denial - How the hell did I spend this much money!?! What the hell are stripper dollars? Why do I have $500 of them in my pocket?!? How did this happen? I hate my friends! I hate my life, and I'm pretty sure I'll lose my wife! Damn this sucks!

In conclusion, it seems to me that in the Cheapness vs. Horniness stereotype of Asians, the horniness usually ends up winning. Maybe, just maybe the lifetime of cheapness is to make up for the one night of unadulterated debauchery that is the strip club.

College Finals - The Asian Way

So it is officially June. Which means that another academic year has come to a conclusion. All the graduates are out looking for jobs, and all the undergraduates are either down the shore or working at their internships, or if your Asian your taking a summer Calc class. But no year is ever complete without a final examination. Yes, the finals. Where the professors flex their intellectual might (which makes up for their lack of respect in the real world) and beat down on the egos and intellectual fraility of their students. For many students the day of the Final Exam is one full of fear, nerves, and general inadequacy. Did I study the right material? Do I have what it takes? Will I get the highest score in the class? Will that one dork fuck up the curve for the rest of us? These are all common questions that run rampid thru students preparing for their Final.

That is all students, accept for the Asian students. That's right. If you want to know what makes today's Asian students masters of academia, its one word and one word only - that is CHEATING. If you still believe that the group of Asian students got to the lecture hall 3 hours before the exam began and sat in the farthest darkest corner because "it was the only quiet place on campus" then you are simply an idiot. For some reason, when Asian students enter a classroom they become a "Band of Brothers" who come together to defeat a common enemy - the professor. Even the smartest Asian kid in the class who doesn't need to cheat gets conned into doing it, and they become the eye of the hurricane. They are the cheating nucleus if you will, from which all other asian students will get their answers and pass their examination.

While most students are up all night pounding coffee and memorizing formulas, the Asians are working out seating structures, information exchange passages, and cough/sneeze signals. All the while they look like a group of innocent do-gooders, who are simply "catching a cold" under the stress of all the studying for the Finals. The genius is that although the professors suspect something nothing can be done about it. The one thing that Asians do in these situation is look out for one another. If America's best cheating crew is good at what they do, than like a well-choreographed break-dancing team each exam will have an individual appeal to it, however together it will be a brilliant display of harmony, and execution.

So the next time you walk into a lecture hall and notice a group of Asians sitting in the back corner "studying" don't disturb them. Simply ask what it will take to get in on the action.