Guys Night

I would like to respectfully submit a new term to be used for today's society. I hereby submit "Manledge". I think all guys in their 20's should have Manledge. I think a course in every educational institution should be provided for Manledge. What is "Manledge" you may ask? Manledge is the knowledge that all guys should have to be succesfull in today's society. For example, a course on Manledge would teach a man in his 20's/30's (since 30 is the new 20) to:

1. Know how to get into a club
2. Order a bottle of wine
3. Have a proper first date
4. Plan a "guys night" out
5. How to make a tie

As I look around these days more and more men, are becoming submissive. They don't know how to do the essentials required for survival and are paying someone to do it for them. Bull crap I say! I don't care if your an 18 yr old teenage millionaire, you won't get laid if your date finds out you're wearing a clip-on. I think I will start a series of various topics of which I believe Men - especially in their 20's and 30's (since these are the crucial years that determine if you'll be cool or not in life), should know how to do.

Today, we begin with planning a guys night out. All guys, should know how to kick it with the boys. Most people have the following kind of guy friends:

1. The Player - all he cares about is ass
2. The Cryer - always has a sob story
3. The Overachiever - loves his job more than sex
4. The Underachiever - loves to "talk" about work, but does not actually do any
5. The Drama King - Can't pump gas without getting into a fight
6. The Rockstar - Seems to always have everything that everyone else wants

When planning guys night, you must cater to all of these personalities. Usually a bar/grill type restaurant along with a night-spot is a solid plan for a guys night. When planning a guys night, it is essential to pick a place that has lots of eye candy and scenery (by this I mean hot women). Although the Chicken Fingers or the German Brews might be tasty, they'll taste like crap if you don't have someone to ogle while enjoying them. Depending on what part of the world you are in, you can usually find some fun laid-back restaurants that have a good bar, and then hit up a club afterwards.

There are certain ground rules that MUST be followed:

1. The kids gotta be put to sleep - By this I mean all phone calls with the girlfriends/wives/children/mistresses have to be done and accounted for before the festivities begin. You are not allowed to miss a shot-taking opportunity because your girl wants to tell you she misses you. If you do, you buy the next round, Bitch.

2. Everyone should pitch in - No one person should end up taking the financial hit. At the same time don't bust out your pocket calculator every time a bill comes around. As a guy you should be alright with numbers, and if your not, then the waiter/waitress should get the benefit. Unless one of your friends is a filthy rich prick, by the end of the night everyone should have done a similar amount of damage to their wallets. It is okay however, for the rich prick to insist on buying bottle service and letting him take the hit, however in return you must be nice to him for the rest of the night, and even offer him a drink that he paid for once in a while.

3. You are NOT allowed to call anyone out - This is a big one. When your having a guys night, it is perfectly fine for your friend to tell someone he's a Formula 1 race car driver. If he tells a girl he is trying to impress that your the dude that manages him, you MUST act accordingly. You are not allowed to call him out. As a friend, it is your duty to ensure your buddy is in the best possible position to get this woman's panties to drop. At the same time your buddy must be there for you.

4. You are NOT allowed to bring baggage - By this, I mean everyone is there to have a good time. This is not the time to share the news that your getting a divorce, you miss your girlfriend you just broke up with, or worst you've decided your gonna go thru with your sex-change operation because you feel "trapped". Save it for another night. Tonight is the night to get your drink on, act silly, embarrass yourself a little bit, and maybe even get laid. The penalty for bringing on this kind of distress, is that you automatically become designated driver, and all night long your friends are allowed to tell any hot girl your talking to that you have gonorrhea.

5. Sneak Attack -At any guys night you must be prepared for the "sneak attack". What is the sneak attack? The sneak attack happens when you and your boys are at a place, and your girlfriend, or the significant other of any of your boys also "happens" to be there, or she decided to come out and meet you there. You must always be prepared for such occurrences. Women, usually don't like to see guys having so much fun by themselves, and will interject some vaginism on the night. As you and your boys are taking a shot she may come and give you a "cute" kiss on the cheek, or she may steal you away from your boys to furiously make out with you and / or dance with you. If this happens your boys have the right to make fun of you. In unison they are all allowed to yell out "awwwwwe", then point their fingers and laugh. They are also allowed to be sarcastic for the rest of the night. They can say things like "Bro, you look nice in a dress sometimes" and all you can do is take it like a man. Additionally, if required, your girl/significant other must also be prepared to talk up one of your buddies and help him get laid. For dropping the sneak attack, she must use her feminine powers of persuasion to get girls to put out for your boys.

Now, you have to remember that not everything always goes according to plan. If shit hits the fan, as a guy there is always a "Wild Card" that you can use. That "wild card" is the strip club. It is acceptable to resort to strip club for any guys night. A strip club is a wild card because it is the one place on planet Earth where all of your boys will be satisfied. For $20 a woman will listen to you talk about your project at work, while riding you like its the Kentucky Derby. For $40, she might even let you grab a boob while you explain to her the new wireless protocol your going to be implementing at work. A strip club for guys night should be used like you would use a car for sex. When there is no other option, and when it is absolutely necessary.

Brown Instincts

According to wikipedia instincts are "inherited fixed action patterns". They are a fixed set of reactions to certain stimuli. Most of the time creatures use instincts for survival. For example, a horse's first reaction to a threat is to flee.


With this concept of instincts as being something that is "innate", I began to wonder, what are the instincts of the species known as "The Indian Man"? I mean really what stimuli, when applied to any Indian Man will prompt the same reaction all over the world? At first, I thought this was preposterous. Can all Indian men have the same reaction to certain stimuli? This is just a silly hypothesis I thought to myself. Then I arrived in Frankfurt for a business conference. There, I saw it unfold with my own eyes. There are certain things that all Indian men just seem to have a natural ability to do.

For example, when a vulture sees a dead carcass, it will usually circle it several times, and then all the vultures will feed off the dead carcass. From my experience, it seems to me that when an Indian Man finds a strip club in a new city. Just like the vultures do, he will survey it several times over, and before you know it all the Indian men in that city will find themselves there. This happened my second night of the conference I was attending in Europe. I was taking it easy and had just returned from a nice meal. Afterwards, my colleagues and I were winding down the night with some well-deserved post-dinner drinks. Afterwards, one of my colleagues turns to me and says "Hey buddy, would you like to join us at a lounge tonight?" I thought to myself, these guys are not from around here, so they must have asked around and found a decent lounge / bar. Well, it turns out that what they found was a strip club that was a haven for every Indian Business man in that city! I mean literally I walked in, and freakin felt like I stepped onto a train in Mumbai.

Then I saw the other fixed reaction to a stimuli. A naked woman went over and asked for a dance, and all the guys no matter how bad they wanted one initially said no. Some of them had their money ready, but for some reason, just did not want to be the first one to get a dance. Being the Alpha Male that I like to think I am, I offered my services. I laid down on the bar with some Euros in my mouth, and showed my fellow species how its done. I like to think that was the tipping point, because after that the bodies were piling up on stage as if it was some kind of religious ritual.

Finally, I saw the last fixed reaction the following day. When all of us were at the conference, every single person who was at that club the night before when asked about how their night was responded with the same exact response. "It was fine. Nothing much to see here in this city. We had some drinks and called it a night." But they all had a dirty smile etched onto their souls, and memories of dirty Euros in their mouths. No matter how much I tried to just say where I was, all I could muster up was "Aaah, it was nothin. No big deal. Don't even recall really what happened".

The Asian Paradox

Humans stereotype. Its not right, but it happens. When you live in a world when you repeatedly see the same behaviour from a group of people depending on their background, race, or ethnicities, in our own minds we tend to generalize. Its something we just do, and we've got to live with it. For example, if I see a black person I think poor customer service skills. I don't want to, but it happens. In that same regard, when one thinks of Asians, I'm willing to bet we all think one thing. You guessed it - CHEAP.

Asians in my estimation have equaled the Jewish stereotype of cheapness if not surpassed it. I mean I once went into an IHOP where my Asian friend asked if there are free refills on the sodas before ordering one. Why do so many Indians own hotels? Obviously so they don't have to purchase toiletries for the family and can write them off as a business expense. Its just the way it is. Asians are ridiculously cheap. However, the other thing Asians also happen to be is HORNY. This is not a stereotype. This is the simple truth and we've got the population numbers to prove it. I believe something like one out of every three people in the world is Chinese. It got so bad, that the government had to start taxing horniness to control the population.

So what happens then, when an Asian enters a strip club? It is quite a conundrum. Its quite baffling to the ordinary non-Asian person. Its like putting the energizer bunny into a shoe box. They have so much pent up energy, they are bound to explode. Why is this the case? Well, its because this is one of the few situations where innate Asian instincts conflict with each other. I mean, its a good thing that lions don't have this problem. Every time a hot lioness walks by, they would forget to hunt, and die out as a species. What I've observed is the following stages usually occur:

1. Shame - How did I convince myself to get here? This is so wrong. Will god ever forgive me?

2. Self-doubt - What kind of person am I that my friends persuaded me to come? I should have been stronger.

3. Gradual Consent - Well, now that I'm here I might as well get a drink right? All the women are so friendly, they must be happy to see me. Why wouldn't they? I'm a fun guy. Besides, I'm having a good hair day and Candy noticed. BUT, No matter what, I will have fun on a budget.

4. Eruption - I am the freakin man! Hey waitress you and your friends have a shot on me! Yo boys, lap dances all around! Go get em! I gotch you kid! I got this! Hey Candy, you ready for a few more songs?!? I thought so. Let's get it started, we are partyin tonight! You know what...? Forget it, let's just go to the champagne room, and not waste any time - I'm in love! Candy: Yeah, I think your real cute. Did I ever tell you I always had a thing for computer programmers? Asian: Hell yeah you do, because we know how to use our hardware baby!

5. Denial - How the hell did I spend this much money!?! What the hell are stripper dollars? Why do I have $500 of them in my pocket?!? How did this happen? I hate my friends! I hate my life, and I'm pretty sure I'll lose my wife! Damn this sucks!

In conclusion, it seems to me that in the Cheapness vs. Horniness stereotype of Asians, the horniness usually ends up winning. Maybe, just maybe the lifetime of cheapness is to make up for the one night of unadulterated debauchery that is the strip club.