Arranged Marriages

"Dude, how can you marry someone without knowing them?" If you're Indian, and you grew up in America, there is a good chance that at some point in your life, a friend of yours that is not Indian may have asked you this question, and legitimately so. Even if you are Indian, the concept of Arranged Marriage is pretty freaky. The idea of having to spend the rest of your life with someone you never met before can be quite daunting. What I find hilarious, is that in today's day and age people simply try to make the whole thing out to be something that is common and not a big deal. Just take a look at this ad below:





They encourage you to "Discover love, in an arranged marriage". Let me be the first to say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" Telling someone to "discover love" in an arranged marriage, is kind of like telling someone to discover the price of their new car after they've bought it. To me, having an arranged marriage is kind of like buying a car without knowing the price. There is a chance that after you buy it under the hood can be a great v12 engine, or there is a chance that you are left with a piece of crap that will not work, and you will have to pay for it the rest of your life.

People who really "believe" in the arranged marriage system, will tell you all these statistics about how people who got married this way tend to stay together. In my opinion, there are lies, damn lies, and there are statistics. Once again, if you bought a brand new car and got ripped off, there is a good chance that you are gonna tell all your buddies about how much you love your car and you won't admit to them how much you got ripped off. I think when it comes to arranged marriages, it probably works the same way. If you married someone that lays around like a sack of potatoes in bed during sex, doesn't contribute to the income, and is a constant pain in your ass, you will probably tell your friends she's a freak in the sack, "finishing up" med school, and has dinner waiting for you when you get home.

I'm not saying arranged marriages can't work, I'm simply saying that people tend to exaggerate how well they work. I know plenty of people who met through the arranged marriage system and are happy, and I know plenty who have been burned. All I'm saying, is that you will have a better idea of what your getting yourself into if you test drive it first.

Indian Wedding Receptions

Last night I had the good fortune of attending an Indian Wedding Reception with Mr. Umerica. Its quite an event, and is always lots of fun. The MC is usually doing a good job of getting the crowd involved, the food is spicy and abundant, and the drinks are flowin. However, the wedding reception I attended was for a religous couple who both came from religous families and therefore the event was dry. Now, I know what your thinking.....and no I did not sneak anything into the party. However, I thought I'd highlight some common events that happen at Indian wedding receptions and how its different when you contrast a dry wedding versus a boozed up wedding:

COCKTAIL HOUR:

Dry Wedding

People are usually drinking their Shirly Temples or Virgin Pina Coladas. They are eating the food, and generally having a good time.

Boozed-up Wedding

People are hovering around a bar like flies do on a recently dead squirrel. They refuse to leave the bar and invite every person who walks by them to join them at the bar. Lots of Liver poisoning is conducted, then when they get the drunchies (drunken munchies) they attack the food. They then go back to the bar for a cool down drink, but by then they’re told its closed, and they try to bribe the bartender for one last drink.

INTRODUCTIONS

Dry Wedding

People politely clap, and patiently wait for all 18 members of the immediate family to come out, and then give a standing ovation to the newly married couple.

Boozed-up Wedding

People start yelling and hollering at the grandma and grandpa who first walk in and thank them for having the grand-kids to throw a festive celebration. After the other 18 members of the family arrive they jump, scream, and yell into a thunderous applause for the newly married couple. They yell inappropriate things like “Yeah Raj, hit that for life playa!”

RANDOM PICTURES

Dry Wedding

People usually pose with babies and relatives/friends they don’t usually get to see.

Boozed-up Wedding

People will start posing for pictures even if they don’t know who you are. Usually a very sexy model face, or a peace sign will be involved. If it’s a big group you can bet 2 guys will be squatting in the front like they’re posing to be on the cover of a rap album.

DANCING

Dry Wedding

The DJ will usually do a good job and get everyone involved. People will usually gather around the bride and groom, and may even pick the lucky couple up on their shoulders for a bit.

Boozed-up Wedding

The drunken crowd will all be dancing like hooligans. Occasionally the DJ may play some reggaetone or Lil’ John. This will lead to people in their 30’s screaming “What! Yeah! Okayyy!”. Then the same people will begin grinding inappropriately in their Indian formal wear. At some point someone will carry the bride and the groom and try to see who can toss which person higher into the air.

DINNER

Dry Wedding

People will wait in line patiently. They will make small talk and discuss how delicious the spread looks. They may even make an extra dish for their grandparent so that person does not have to get up and wait in line.

Boozed-up Wedding

People will usually be too drunk and dancing into the moment to notice dinner is being served. Occasionally they may stop dancing to make song requests to the DJ. Also, at this time the single folks will start making their move on any potentials at the reception. They’ll do something smooth like go up to a group of women and yell “SHOTS! WHOSE WITH ME!”

Eventually they do get hungry and attack the buffet line like Michael Jackson would attack a kindergarten class.

THE END OF THE NIGHT

Dry Wedding

People usually congratulate the couple once again. They find their families and head home after a long day.

Boozed-up Wedding

People usually find the closest bar or club that will still serve them booze. If there is none close by the bride/groom usually have arrangements made in a hotel room that is stocked for the party to continue. At about 2:30 AM its no longer cute to sit around with the newly married couple and they will kick everyone out.

I should also mention, that although there are religous families that have wonderful weddings, these families usually have a few degenerate friends or family members. In such occasions these people will setup what I like to call a "car bar". Usually the uncle who owns a liquor store will bring his mini-van packed with beers, and scotch. These leads to some unusual moments such as when the name of an uncle is called to walk out, and he's trying to chug the beer in the parking lot, but this explains the "pep" in his step.

To all of you who are getting married - Congratulations! To all of you in attendance, I hope you enjoy these random observations.