The Biggest Source of Tension for an Indian Woman

Recently I've been surrounded by lots of friends, family, as well as my girlfriend and her family. It is a pretty hectic experience, because not too many people who are not Indian understand that its okay to have so many people in one house and it can even be fun. However, throughout all of the things that were happening there was one thing that stood out in my mind. All the women, had one thing in common. I couldn't believe it, and I didn't realize it, but all the women were all stressed about the same damn thing! Every time a woman said something, without fail she uttered the words that are the source of tension 99.9% of the time in 99.9% of all Indian women.

"Did you eat?" "What did you eat?" These two questions are probably asked by Indian women more than any other question ever. No matter what you say, you will never have a correct answer to this question. Even if you've answered the question, it will not stop them from asking again. It didn't matter if the woman was young or old, or who she was talking to. For some reason, Indian women are just infatuated by whether or not you've eaten and what you've eaten. I can't explain it, but I know its a Universal Truth. You show me a room with an Indian woman, and put a man in there, and I guarantee that the first thing she will ask is "Did you eat?" I think its quite phenomenal that all the women of one nation are all concerned about one thing and that is food.

However, I began to wonder. Why are Indian women always asking this question? Why do they care more about whether or not you ate, than anything else in this world. I could come home with stitches on my face, and my mom would worry about what I ate. Its just the simple truth. But the question still remains....why? I thought of a few possible answers below:

1. They already ate, and feel guilty and now want to make sure you eat too
- That's right. Not many people have the courage to do it, but I, the Indian Guy am calling you ladies out! If you ate, than don't force us to eat so you can feel better about yourself. It ain't right, and my jeans are tight enough. I don't need a second dinner.

2. They want to know their food tastes good
- I am convinced, that most women are insecure about what they've cooked. Therefore, by harassing someone into eating something they've cooked and then undoubtedly asking the follow up question "How is it? Do you like it?" and getting the response they want to hear makes them feels better about themselves, and allows them to go back to their moms and say "I can cook mom! Your not the only one!". However, once again, I will take the bold stand and tell you that if a guy does not want to eat your cooking, he probably is really full and has already eaten, or just doesn't like the way your food tastes. However, most men I know would rather eat two meals, than have to spend time in the dog house.

3. They take the phrase "The fastest way to a man's heart is his stomach" literally
- I'm convinced that if a woman thinks a guy is a catch, well than to keep him from going anywhere all you have to do is fatten him up! Its evil, its cruel, but it keeps that one-of-a-kind guy in your posession. They think that by expanding his waist line, he will expand his heart.

In any case, Indian women have always been, and probably always will be concerned about what you ate. So the next time you come across one, be prepared.

Arranged Marriages

"Dude, how can you marry someone without knowing them?" If you're Indian, and you grew up in America, there is a good chance that at some point in your life, a friend of yours that is not Indian may have asked you this question, and legitimately so. Even if you are Indian, the concept of Arranged Marriage is pretty freaky. The idea of having to spend the rest of your life with someone you never met before can be quite daunting. What I find hilarious, is that in today's day and age people simply try to make the whole thing out to be something that is common and not a big deal. Just take a look at this ad below:





They encourage you to "Discover love, in an arranged marriage". Let me be the first to say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" Telling someone to "discover love" in an arranged marriage, is kind of like telling someone to discover the price of their new car after they've bought it. To me, having an arranged marriage is kind of like buying a car without knowing the price. There is a chance that after you buy it under the hood can be a great v12 engine, or there is a chance that you are left with a piece of crap that will not work, and you will have to pay for it the rest of your life.

People who really "believe" in the arranged marriage system, will tell you all these statistics about how people who got married this way tend to stay together. In my opinion, there are lies, damn lies, and there are statistics. Once again, if you bought a brand new car and got ripped off, there is a good chance that you are gonna tell all your buddies about how much you love your car and you won't admit to them how much you got ripped off. I think when it comes to arranged marriages, it probably works the same way. If you married someone that lays around like a sack of potatoes in bed during sex, doesn't contribute to the income, and is a constant pain in your ass, you will probably tell your friends she's a freak in the sack, "finishing up" med school, and has dinner waiting for you when you get home.

I'm not saying arranged marriages can't work, I'm simply saying that people tend to exaggerate how well they work. I know plenty of people who met through the arranged marriage system and are happy, and I know plenty who have been burned. All I'm saying, is that you will have a better idea of what your getting yourself into if you test drive it first.

Indianizing the Academy Awards

This year's Academy Awards were even more important to Indians than any other award show in history. Now granted, Devdas was nominated for best foreign film in the past, but this year India made its mark in the entertainment world, and it happened in the form of a little movie called Slumdog Millionaire. In true Indian fashion, when the movie was announced as the winner for Best Picture, the stage was bum rushed by anyone who had anything to do with the movie, and Indians showed the world that no matter how big the stage, they still enjoy a crowd. This movie is significant because it showed the many aspects about India, and more importantly Indians. It gave a brutally honest glimpse of what Indians can be like - both good and bad. More importantly, it showed that love and hope are always tied to money.


However, if there is one thing people need to understand about Indians is that once we show up somewhere, we don't leave. Ask London. Now, that we've busted the door and came dancing into the Academy Awards, I'm willing to bet we'll probably be around in this arena for a while (just look at how much software is used to make movies). Therefore, I thought the following suggestions might help the Academy Awards get more in touch with their new consumer base - The Indians:


1. There should be a Bollywood style dance number
- I believe by doing this, they can show Indians that hey we like to have lots of people dancing on stage and into the music of a movie too. However, to make it more authentic I think the backdrop should change to show different locations of the world like they do in the Indian movies.


2. There should be a category for "Best Almost Kiss" in a movie.
- Since Indians just like to do the dirty-dirty behind closed doors and not "glorify" acts of love on screen, their movies tend to be this way as well. For example, an actor and actress will declare their love for each other, get hot and heavy and then make an attempt at a kiss, only to get 1 inch away from the other's lips and then turn away. All the movies have this, and it probably explains why there are so many frustrated people in that country.


3. There should be a category of "What the guy was willing to give up".
- Most Indian movies are about love. When a culture has a caste system often class can come between love. So being the idealistic people that Indians are, they often create love stories that overcome social circumstance. Unfortunately, they just go a little too far. Most of the love stories I've seen involve some wealthy man who meets a girl that is broke and humble. He sees her helping a blind man cross the street or helping a young kid learn his ABC's and pronouncing "Zed" and decides he loves her. He decides he will give up his family and all his money for "true love". They usually end up having the guy's family accept him back and having both the family and the cash. However, people don't understand that when your a billionaire you can probably have the girl without having to give up all your money. But then again, how else you gonna kill 3 hours?


4. There should be a category for "How long can you stretch a movie"
Indians love value and more importantly a bargain. If you don't believe me, go to your local supermarket when corn oil is on sale. Therefore, often times a movie that can be made in an hour is usually extended to 3 hours. Often the story takes unnecessary turns just to make a point that was made at the 45 minute mark. However, the movie-watcher gets his or her 3 hours for the money they paid and that's final! I think its only a matter of time until we run out of ideas and humans start falling for Aliens, and Will Smith will probably be involved.

5. There should be a pani poori stand by the entrance
Considering everybody is wearing fancy ass gowns and tuxedos I think it would be pretty damn entertaining to watch these people eating pani pooris and having that broadcast to the world. Personally, I think it would be pretty hilarious to watch Jack Black eating pani poori before he got on stage to make his speech and then got the farts, but hey, that's just me.

All in all, this movie really helped put India on the map. It showed that Indians are not just quickie mart owners, software programmers, or doctors. It showed that we too have the ability to love another person and their millions.

The Downfall of India - 2 minutes

I recently spent a few weeks in India, and have spent my whole life being surrounded by Indians. There are many things this culture has to offer and there are many things to learn. In the past decade or so, India has really grown by leaps and bounds to come to the forefront of economic and business growth. There are so many wonderful things happening in India right now. For example, there is actually a legitimate space program to get Indian Astronauts on the moon. All this is creating tremendous opportunity for Indians. I also happen to work for an Indian Pharma company. Pharma companies have really taken off over the last few years with the accessibility to generic drugs.



All these wonderful things are happening, and India will never become a superpower. India will have a tremendous downfall from grace and it will not be pretty. There is one thing I've observed about Indians that is universal, and it is a key flaw to who we are. No matter where in the world you go, you will find Indians, and I guarantee they will have this flaw. They cannot get rid of it because I'm convinced it is genetically encoded into their bodies. Whether they are old or young, smart or stupid, rich or poor they all have this horrible flaw, and it is this flaw that will keep businesses from prospering, communities from organizing, politics from ruling, and sex from happening.



What is the flaw you ask? Well, the flaw is very simply the words "two minutes". After spending 3 weeks in India I probably heard the words "two minutes" at least a hundred times a day and it freakin drove me nuts! These two words are the kiss of death for success among Indians and for India as a nation. It is because of these two damn words, nothing will ever get completed, and procrastination will always be prevalent in Indian society.



How can this be? What do these words have to do with anything? To an ordinary observer these two words are simple, and even innocent. However, to anyone who has ever had to rely on an Indian to do anything on time, they've undoubtedly been told that whatever it is they want will get done in "two minutes". The truth is, its never just "two minutes". Its usually twenty freakin minutes, or tomorrow, or never!



Let me give you some examples:



Patient: Doctor, when will the results be available?

Indian Doctor: Two minutes

- 8 days later the patient is dead from a heart attack because the doctor procrastinated



IT Manager: When will the database be ready?

Indian IT guy: 2 minutes

- The company goes out of business because when the guy said "two minutes" he actually meant I'm going to forget to do what you asked me to, and the company will be in a mess



Indian guy (going on a date): Hey I'm downstairs, are you ready?

Indian girl (going on a date): I will be downstairs in two minutes

- In reality she is still getting in the shower. The Indian guy will wait, and wait, and wait some more. Eventually she will come outside, and the guy will have died from carbon monoxide poisoning.



Indian father: Son, did you send out my application to get a passport so I can come to America?

Indian Son: Dad, I'll do it in two minutes, I'm busy right now

- The father will not get his passport, and he will have to illegally sneak into the country and work at Dunkin Donuts for the rest of his life.



Indian Husband: Sweetheart, I just took some Viagara, when are you coming out of the bathroom?

Indian Wife: I'm just fixing my hair, I'll be out in two minutes

Indian Husband: Who cares about your hair! I'm good to go!

Indian Wife: I want to look pretty for you.

- In reality, the guy will have watched anything on Cinemax, did what he had to do, and by the time the "two minutes" have passed the husband will be long asleep, preventing the birth of future generations.



Indian College guy1: Dude, are you ready? What's taking so long? We gotta get to this Desi party by 10 or else we won't get in

Indian College guy2: Dude, I just need 2 minutes.

- In reality collge guy number 2, is shaving his pubes, blow drying then waxing his hair, ironing his clothes, putting on his facial lotion, and then getting ready. By the time he gets out of the shower it will be 10:30 and the 2 poor bastards will end up spending the whole night looking good and waiting in line.



All I'm saying, is don't ever use the words "two minutes". We all know what that means. It means I don't give a crap about you, and you can wait for me. They are two very dangerous words, and they will be the downfall of Indians all over. Indians cannot live without saying those words, and as a result anything and everything no matter how critical it is, will simply wait.

Holiday Party

It is that time of year. People are making lists of whose been naughty, and whose been nice. Another religious excuse to get drunk is on the horizon, and odds are that if you are in a parking lot somewhere, someone is cursing you out. That's right folks, the holidays are here. Along with all the aforementioned formalities of the Christmas Holiday season, there is one tradition that corporate America follows. Of course I am referring to the company Holiday Party. Most people behave in a socially acceptable way when in an office, however when these same people are placed in front of an open bar and a dance floor the true debauchery is exposed, and the animal within cannot be contained. Undoubtedly this will lead to some cheers, jeers, and a re-enforcement of the sexual harassment class you took on the following business day.

However, as the Indian Guy, I would like to expose you all to a Holiday Party of sorts, that might not be so traditional. I would like to expose you to the world of Holiday Parties for Indian companies. Over the past few years, I've had the unique experience of working for companies who are based out of India. This in and of its self deserves its own blog, however for today's discussion I will stick to the topic at hand. In my experience, there are holiday parties, and there are Holiday Parties - the Indian Way. What's the big deal? You guys don't even celebrate Christmas! What's so special about your party? These are all legitimate questions, but in my experience Indian companies have a way of celebrating holidays that aren't theirs in quite the unique way.

First of all, a fancy banquet hall is usually rented out. It looks typical to start with. You have food, you have booze, you have a questionable and borderline inappropriate DJ, and of course what separates this Holiday Party from all the other HR controlled parties, are the employees. You see employees of an Indian based company tend to be a microcosm of the nation of India its self. They want to let loose, and be themselves, but for worry of perception they manage to keep themselves in check most of the time. However, when celebrating the birth of the Lord (that they don't believe in), inhibition is left at the cubicle. Sarees, business suits, and scandalous dresses make their way into the hall. The first thing you'll notice is that people tend to be a bit more "touchy-feely". By this I mean, a funny remark will get a soft slap on the shoulder (or what I call the love tap), which may not ordinarily be there.

Once the booze starts to pick up steam, things get really interesting. I once saw an Executive get two Johnny Walker blacks neat, and his wife said "Honey, your driving". To which he put up his hand, nodded his head, and softly said those famous words, "Its okay. I'm okay". Which he seemed to be, until he got up and started singing Jingle Bells with an Indian accent. Imagine Abu from the Simpsons, with a slightly slurred speech singing Jingle Bells. Being the good employee that I am, I also encouraged him to sing the "Batman smells" rendition, which I don't think his wife was to fond of.

Now this may not seem like a big deal, but what this did was set a precedent. After everyone saw this guy, people started going nuts. I heard someone yell "I go dry, you die!" to the bartender with a laugh that was more serious than jovial. In my opinion things got really weird, when the 45 yr old Spanish lady started "feeling it". The DJ started playing some hip-hop version of the electric slide and Ms. Latina was all over the dance floor. She was singing, cursing, and shakin her money-maker. Then the DJ played a little bhangra, which got the Indians up in a frenzy and onto the dance floor. Once the dance floor was packed, the DJ did something that was completely unexpected. I was shocked.

You have to understand, that by now the party was in full swing. Corporate jargon was turning into ebonics, and people were yelling things like "Raj, you fuckin Benchod! Take another shot with me" and that was coming from our Administrative Assistant. I had seen a lot of things, but when the DJ started playing Lil' John, I knew the party definitely took a new turn. A turn, that I won't soon forget and this party was definitely kicked into a whole new gear. Now the Indians didn't know what Lil' John was so they just pointed their index fingers in the air, shrugged their shoulders and danced. However, all the Americans were boozed up, and yelling "What! Yeah! ....Okay!". What shocked me the most was when the 45 year old Latin Lady literally "bent ova to the front" and touched her toes. It was like someone flipped a switch and the air was sucked right out of the room.

Lucky for me, after witnessing that miracle, dinner was being served. Greygoose had to wash down every bite after witnessing that. After people had some food in their system, they were a bit calmer, and the party seemed like it was coming to an end. Me and my buddy were waiting to get our coats, and as we are waiting my friend yells out "Oh my gooood! What the hellllll!" I look over to see that the Latin Lady had literally just cuffed my friends ass, and almost lifted him a few inches off the ground! Meanwhile, his pregnant fiance was next to him in shock. After the crazy lady left, he turned and said to me "I feel so cold, and alone". I wanted to give him a hug to comfort my friend, but I was afraid the damage was done.

The best part of Holiday parties is the next day at work. It really is amazing to me how people have selective memory. The crazy lady went up to my friend and said, "Hey, here are the reports let me know what else you need". To which my friend responded, "Oh don't worry, I won't be needing anything else from you, you've done enough".

Giving Thanks

Its that time of year again. The trees are naked, the air is cold, football is in full swing, and we are humbled once again. For it is that time of year when the Native Americans traded some corn with the Europeans who later turned out to be their "Frenemies". However, the important thing to remember is that this is the time of year when we enjoy the two days off from work, stay at home with the ones we love, and fill our bellies and our hearts with cholesterol, fat, and love. But more importantly, it is the time of year when we give "thanks". Its not an easy thing to do. We are always griping and bitching about the things we don't have in our every day lives, that we overlook all the wonderful things we do actually have. With that being said, I The Indian Guy would like to share what I'm thankful for.

The first and most important thing I am thankful for this time of year is the Patel Convention. What is the Patel Convention you may ask? Well just as the royal families in history wanted to make sure they stayed in power and kept all the riches in the family, the Patels of this world, are continuing this tradition in today's day and age. The Patel Community of the world has accomplished and achieved a lot. To keep these accomplishments for themselves, the Patel's designed a system wherein their kids can marry other Patels, and not let anyone else in and ruin the "chosen blood". That's right, the Patel Convention is the meat market of the Patel community, and it is where kids go to find a future "partner" in marriage (or for the night), and parents go to congregate and vent about how old their kids are getting and not finding anyone. You see, in the Patel community, having a child that is not married past their mid-20's is a disgrace to the family and the parents of the child may even feel like they ruined the world with an ugly child or even worst, maybe they have to admit that they are not capable of producing pretty children because they are not pretty. NO! That is not the case, for Patels are not allowed to be ugly! Thank god, all is safe.

The next thing I am thankful for is the Patel Women of the Patel Convention. Ah yes, there are few things in this world that are as unique as a Patel Woman at the Patel Convention. There are not too many women who have the ability to grind with you, maybe even hook up with you, and then tell you that you are not worthy of dating because you come from New Jersey and you must be a "playa". Just because two people hook up after 5 minutes of talking and 2 shots, does not make the guy a "playa" because he's from Jersey. It makes the girl a "fun" girl, and the guy an "opportunity seizer". It sure is a beautiful thing when a girl who you try to hook one of your friends up with, gets mad at you because YOU were not interested in her. However, you didn't want to ask her out for yourself because she was older than you by a couple of years, and Patel women are just not comfortable with dating a younger guy (even if he reads at an older level). However, after you do ask her out and date her, she has the right to be mad at you for being too young. Only a Patel woman can make you feel special and stupid at the same time. It truly is a rare thing.

Another thing I am grateful for of course are the guys of the Patel convention. You see, Patel guys don't like to be too confrontational, however they can be extremely competitive. So what do they do? Well, they cock block, but not in the traditional way. The Patel convention is the one place in the world, where a guy can compliment you so much that you actually look bad. How can this be? How would you even go about doing this? Well, the savvy Patel hater has developed a way. For example, when you are talking to a girl, a guy that you've never seen may come up to you in front of the girl and say something like "Yo! What's up bro! Man, this guy is such a player! I can't even believe how many women this guy was with last night. You're the man bro!". He will drop this little bomb, and then walk away, and also watch the girl get disgusted by your promiscuous ways, and leave. Thanks a lot douche bag! However, not all the Patel guys are bad, there's just a few rotten apples. The Patel Convention is the one place where you will probably make more friends with guys than with girls. Its probably the one place where you will meet another fellow Patel who thinks your cool and will buy you a drink from the other side of the room, just because its a Friday afternoon and the game is on and your not working. Its also the one case where guys may even get a bit too drunk and start telling you their dark secrets such as "Bro, I barely know you, but I feel like I can trust you with this. I met a girl, but I have a crush on her mom, and I can't control myself. I'm gonna make my move at Garba tonight".

All in all, I am thankful for the convention of Patels and the many memories it has given me. Its the place where I first got wasted, and the place where I will always go to feel at home. Although I may not find my wife there, I know its the one place I belong. To call the Patel Convention a failure just because you don't find your marriage partner is like calling Hugh Hefner a failure for not finding true love. Sure, he may not have exactly what he's looking for, but I think most of us would settle for what he's got.

The Truth About Diwali

We are getting to that time of year when families start to come together. This week its the Indian festival of lights, known as Diwali being celebrated by brown people all over the world. They will clog their arteries and allow cavities to thrive with their sugar filled sweets that are made from ghee (melted butter). Of course these sweets will satisfy the soul, and send Indian spirits flying high. Its in times like these when families will enjoy each others company, and the kids will enjoy the $11 they get from everyone's feet they manage to touch. Its a special time. We put aside our differences for those few moments, and take part in the beautiful festivities of Diwali. We light fireworks, we eat to our heart's content, and of course we have fashion shows and dance competitions.

Diwali has turned into the biggest excuse in the world for Indians to borrow clothes, and walk down a run-way in front of their college peers and friends. For those Indians who can dance, this is their chance to show their stuff. This is their golden moment, to get up on stage and show that even though we wear traditional Indian outfits, we know how to re-mix our songs to hip-hop beats and bust a move that is anything but traditional. At this time of year, college campuses all across the country are filled with hormone-raged college kids that are bossing each other around and trying to figure out what the coolest bhangra step is that they can use into their dance routine. They are hitting up all the malls, and buying the most expensive clothes they can find. They are carefully wearing these clothes in such a way so that the price tag is not seen, and the clothes can be returned after the show is over. But most importantly, they are attacking the streets of the Indian markets to see if they can sucker a business owner to sponsor them. They will explain that their student body comprises of hundreds of students who will never leave campus, but will get exposure to their store that is a 30 mile drive away from campus.

Why do we do this you ask? For one reason, and one reason alone. The Afterparty. That's right. If you are an Indian in college, the Diwali show after-party is the cafeteria talk of the following week. Its where you find out who was dumb enough to wear the fashion-show clothes to the club, and had a drink spilled on their outfit, and will now have to actually purchase the ridiculous thing they intended to return. Its where the boy who was partnered up with a girl for a dance at the show will actually have enough liquid courage to actually grind on her in a crowded dance floor. But most importantly, the main topic of discussion will be the throngs of people that did not get in because when the bouncer asked to make a straight line, they didn't know what that meant. Last but not least, it is the venue where the girl who really didn't like the song that the group picked for the dance gets to bitch about it and start a fight. Aaah yes, the Diwali Show After party is also where the high-school kids with fake IDs get in and try to grind with drunk college chicks. In their own way, it is a festival of lights you might say.

In conclusion, there is one thing that Indians love to do more than anything else, and that is celebrate. Our entire culture revolves around celebration. When god came to earth we celebrate, when he leaves we celebrate, and to remember all the milestones accomplished in between we celebrate. Its just now, in the 21st century, massive prayers have been replaced with Diwali Shows that try to "fuse" the American and Indian cultures. Its is not too uncommon to see an Indian person wearing traditional clothes dancing to an Indian song, which eventually gets remixed into a Lil' John Song, and the dance moves turn into something you'd see on BET at night. Our ancestors, would truly be jealous.

Brown Instincts

According to wikipedia instincts are "inherited fixed action patterns". They are a fixed set of reactions to certain stimuli. Most of the time creatures use instincts for survival. For example, a horse's first reaction to a threat is to flee.


With this concept of instincts as being something that is "innate", I began to wonder, what are the instincts of the species known as "The Indian Man"? I mean really what stimuli, when applied to any Indian Man will prompt the same reaction all over the world? At first, I thought this was preposterous. Can all Indian men have the same reaction to certain stimuli? This is just a silly hypothesis I thought to myself. Then I arrived in Frankfurt for a business conference. There, I saw it unfold with my own eyes. There are certain things that all Indian men just seem to have a natural ability to do.

For example, when a vulture sees a dead carcass, it will usually circle it several times, and then all the vultures will feed off the dead carcass. From my experience, it seems to me that when an Indian Man finds a strip club in a new city. Just like the vultures do, he will survey it several times over, and before you know it all the Indian men in that city will find themselves there. This happened my second night of the conference I was attending in Europe. I was taking it easy and had just returned from a nice meal. Afterwards, my colleagues and I were winding down the night with some well-deserved post-dinner drinks. Afterwards, one of my colleagues turns to me and says "Hey buddy, would you like to join us at a lounge tonight?" I thought to myself, these guys are not from around here, so they must have asked around and found a decent lounge / bar. Well, it turns out that what they found was a strip club that was a haven for every Indian Business man in that city! I mean literally I walked in, and freakin felt like I stepped onto a train in Mumbai.

Then I saw the other fixed reaction to a stimuli. A naked woman went over and asked for a dance, and all the guys no matter how bad they wanted one initially said no. Some of them had their money ready, but for some reason, just did not want to be the first one to get a dance. Being the Alpha Male that I like to think I am, I offered my services. I laid down on the bar with some Euros in my mouth, and showed my fellow species how its done. I like to think that was the tipping point, because after that the bodies were piling up on stage as if it was some kind of religious ritual.

Finally, I saw the last fixed reaction the following day. When all of us were at the conference, every single person who was at that club the night before when asked about how their night was responded with the same exact response. "It was fine. Nothing much to see here in this city. We had some drinks and called it a night." But they all had a dirty smile etched onto their souls, and memories of dirty Euros in their mouths. No matter how much I tried to just say where I was, all I could muster up was "Aaah, it was nothin. No big deal. Don't even recall really what happened".

Disrespect

If you've ever been to an Indian party there is a pretty good chance you've seen a fight break out. I'm also willing to bet my left nut that during the mele you heard at least at one point (or several) one of the people involved saying one of the following:

1. "You don't disrespect me!"

2. "Do you know who I am?"

3. "You don't know who your messin with!"

and my favorite

4. "I will kill you!"

I've been to way too many Indian parties in my lifetime, and I've seen way too many fights, and for some reason the main reason why all the fights seem to start is because one dude "disrespected" another dude. For some reason, it seems that us Indian guys are now full of so much respect that when someone disrespects us its worthy of throwing our reputation and pride as hard as our punches.

However, I'm willing to bet that there are certain actions that may have caused these bouts of "disrespect". What I find amazing is that although certain times a push or a shove is a clear sign of disrespect, I don't understand all the other reasons why us Indian guys feel disrespected. I've once heard the following conversation:

Indian dude #1: "I'm gonna knock that bastard's teeth out. I'm gonna kill him"
Indian dude #2: "What happened? What did he do?"
Indian dude #1: "You didn't see the way he looked at me bro? Messed up. He's gonna get it"

At this point Indian Dude #1 usually calls up 10 of his "friends" for a fair fight of course. As it turns out, the other guy had a severe case of allergies, and had just finished rubbing his eyes. While he was trying to re-adjust his focus, he squinted. Unfortunately for him, he squinted at the wrong guy.

I just don't get it. When Gandhi and his people were getting shot by the British they chose non-violence to win and get what they want. Several generations later, we are bickering over inadvertent glances. The other thing I find hilarious is that if you've ever seen a fight between two Indian guys, each one claims to be completely innocent. "I was just dancing with his sister and trying to grope her, and he started acting all crazy. I don't get it. Then he disrespected me." All I"m saying is that if your young and stupid, fighting is a learning experience, and hopefully humbling. If your out of college and have a career, fighting should be treated like Hugh Hefner treats a marriage. It should just be avoided.

However, if your an opportunist like I am, fights are a great way to meet women. She's pissed at her man for embarrasing her, and feeling lonely. Its like fishing with a shotgun. But do be careful, because the man getting his ass beat by the bouncer might feel disrespected.

The East Has Embraced The West

Mahatma Ghandi worked incredibly hard to promote non-violence as a peaceful solution to bring change. Jerry Springer, not so much. Although Jerry's end-of-show Monologues are quite moving and philosophical, if you've ever seen his show, you quickly realize that the moral standards end there. Fast forward to 2008. An Indian Game Show called Dadagiri, which is supposedly India's attempt at Fear Factor according to this article had an episode that would make Jerry Springer pop a Masala Boner!

If you check out the clip in that article, you will realize that we Indians have officially embraced the one element of Westerm culture that we were hesitant to jump on. That's right folks! We have now gone down the twisted roads of Reality TV and people with no shame, and called it "Dadagiri" (which in my language means being a wise ass). In this clip, there is a tall, good looking woman who looks like she hasn't been laid in years. Apparently, one of the guy's says something to tick her off (probably somewhere along the lines of "damn girl, just because you ain't getting any doesn't mean you have to be such a bitch"), and she does what most woman who are unsatisfied, and pissed off tend to do when a man is around, she resorts to violence. She bitch-slaps him like he's a chump in the WWF wrestling league!

Not to be outdone, our suave superhero retaliates by slappin her back like he's a pimp and she didn't pay up! On top of that he yells the words "How can you slap!? How can you slap?" This particular moment in Indian TV, pretty much exemplifies the problem with Indian dudes. We act in the heat of the moment, assume we are right, and after we've slapped the shit out of somene we ask how they had the nerve to do it to us! You gotta love it. Of course, like most Indian dudes who act this way, the guy gets his ass kicked, and eventually everyone ends up knowing about it.

When I was growing up my old-school Indian parents always liked to highlight how Indian culture was more "civilized" than the western culture. They would always associate excess/irresponsibility with the West, and control/discipline with the East. I think its safe to say that times have changed, and my parents are probably glad that their son is not on TV slapping any women. My personal theory, is that Indians always had it in them to be degenerates and irresponsible, but just didn't have a means of living that allowed for it. I mean you can't be a lazy bum and a farmer at the same time. However, with economical success, comes stupidity. A smart person once told me that "if you want an idea to be succesful make sure its either the smartest idea in the world, or the stupidest, those are the only ones that seem to be succesful". Clearly Dadagiri is a case for the latter.

Sex - A Measure of Progress

The last decade or so has shown us an economic boom in the world like none ever witnessed in the history of mankind. As a result we now live in an age where there are more billionaires walking the Earth than ever before. One of the biggest places of this economic boom has been India along with China. In these past few years these two countries which were once considered 3rd-world are now a nesting place of wealthy people. Have times changed? Yes, absolutely. But has society progressed? How does one measure the progress of a society? Is it simply by seeing the standard of living go up, or is there more?

Well, luckily for you the Indian Guy has the answer and the standard of living alone is not a good sign of progress in society. The true sign of progress in a society is determined by how openly the society allows its members to talk a bout sex. That's right folks, I am of the firm belief that the more openly we are able to talk about sex, the farther along we've come as a civilization. With this measure in mind, I'd like to say India's society has progressed by leaps and bounds. Just look at this article below:





This article is from a news paper in India. There is a column by Sexologist Dr. Kavan Lakdawala. In this column his readers can send him some questions, and he gives appropriate sex advice. I'd like to take this moment, to substitute in for Dr. Lakdawala and give the advice of The Indian Guy on some of these questions that have come in:

I had tuberculosis a year ago. I'm off medication. Can I enjoy my sex life?
Hell yeah you can enjoy your sex life! You should've been getting some TB Sympathy sex, but because you didn't (since you were dumb enough to think you couldn't hump and recover at the same time) you now have to make up for it. Take out your dong-wrap and get to work buddy!

Recently I had sex with my wife. My foreskin tore. There are red spots on my penis. What is that?
First of all please take some grammar classes. Second, congratulations on having a wife you actually have sex with - that's great. The red-spots are what we Americans call "rug burn". It means you were at peak performance, and your break pads wore out, and you ended up cutting into your rotor.

I have pain in my lower leg. Could masturbation be the reason? I used to masturbate a lot but I've stopped now.
Okay, I heard it can make you blind, but I have not read any confirmed reports about it causing restless legs syndrome. Masturbation from all accounts should not have anything to do with your leg, however it may cause some nasty tennis-elbow. Also, I don't believe you when you say "I've stopped now" - that is just a bold lie.

I enjoy stimulating my wife manually. She also enjoys the act and helps me to ejaculate. Is this safe?
Buddy, please clarify the difference between manually and automatically? If its what I think it is, then yes, it is safe, but your getting the raw deal. She has all the fun, but you do all the work, and the little guy gets no action. Does your wife also stimulate you manually? Doing this is like sitting inside of a Ferrari but not putting the key in the ignition. How do you know what it sounds and feels like unless you start her up?

I'm having an affair with my neighbour. She wants to have sex with me. I'm 22 and she is 27. Is this okay?
First of all, if you haven't hit that, then your not having an affair. Your just fooling around and avoiding getting caught. The good news is that she's older than you, and she wants to have sex with you. As a result not only is this okay, its also encouraged - you may learn a thing or two. Just remember, don't be a fool and wrap your tool. You don't want to know why the neighbours children have your eyes playa.

Recently I had sex with my uncle is my virginity in tact?
What the fuck!? What the fuck are you thinking? NO your virginity is not in tact, and neither is your sanity you crazy bitch. Avoid all family reunions for the rest of your life, and please do NOT play with your cousins any more.

In conclusion, sex is quite a taboo subject in a country like India. However, because of the problems with Aids, and the idiots who think they can't catch it, its nice to see that there are forums for people to learn a thing or two about doing the hanky-panky. But clearly, sometimes you don't need to know everything.

Indian Wedding Receptions

Last night I had the good fortune of attending an Indian Wedding Reception with Mr. Umerica. Its quite an event, and is always lots of fun. The MC is usually doing a good job of getting the crowd involved, the food is spicy and abundant, and the drinks are flowin. However, the wedding reception I attended was for a religous couple who both came from religous families and therefore the event was dry. Now, I know what your thinking.....and no I did not sneak anything into the party. However, I thought I'd highlight some common events that happen at Indian wedding receptions and how its different when you contrast a dry wedding versus a boozed up wedding:

COCKTAIL HOUR:

Dry Wedding

People are usually drinking their Shirly Temples or Virgin Pina Coladas. They are eating the food, and generally having a good time.

Boozed-up Wedding

People are hovering around a bar like flies do on a recently dead squirrel. They refuse to leave the bar and invite every person who walks by them to join them at the bar. Lots of Liver poisoning is conducted, then when they get the drunchies (drunken munchies) they attack the food. They then go back to the bar for a cool down drink, but by then they’re told its closed, and they try to bribe the bartender for one last drink.

INTRODUCTIONS

Dry Wedding

People politely clap, and patiently wait for all 18 members of the immediate family to come out, and then give a standing ovation to the newly married couple.

Boozed-up Wedding

People start yelling and hollering at the grandma and grandpa who first walk in and thank them for having the grand-kids to throw a festive celebration. After the other 18 members of the family arrive they jump, scream, and yell into a thunderous applause for the newly married couple. They yell inappropriate things like “Yeah Raj, hit that for life playa!”

RANDOM PICTURES

Dry Wedding

People usually pose with babies and relatives/friends they don’t usually get to see.

Boozed-up Wedding

People will start posing for pictures even if they don’t know who you are. Usually a very sexy model face, or a peace sign will be involved. If it’s a big group you can bet 2 guys will be squatting in the front like they’re posing to be on the cover of a rap album.

DANCING

Dry Wedding

The DJ will usually do a good job and get everyone involved. People will usually gather around the bride and groom, and may even pick the lucky couple up on their shoulders for a bit.

Boozed-up Wedding

The drunken crowd will all be dancing like hooligans. Occasionally the DJ may play some reggaetone or Lil’ John. This will lead to people in their 30’s screaming “What! Yeah! Okayyy!”. Then the same people will begin grinding inappropriately in their Indian formal wear. At some point someone will carry the bride and the groom and try to see who can toss which person higher into the air.

DINNER

Dry Wedding

People will wait in line patiently. They will make small talk and discuss how delicious the spread looks. They may even make an extra dish for their grandparent so that person does not have to get up and wait in line.

Boozed-up Wedding

People will usually be too drunk and dancing into the moment to notice dinner is being served. Occasionally they may stop dancing to make song requests to the DJ. Also, at this time the single folks will start making their move on any potentials at the reception. They’ll do something smooth like go up to a group of women and yell “SHOTS! WHOSE WITH ME!”

Eventually they do get hungry and attack the buffet line like Michael Jackson would attack a kindergarten class.

THE END OF THE NIGHT

Dry Wedding

People usually congratulate the couple once again. They find their families and head home after a long day.

Boozed-up Wedding

People usually find the closest bar or club that will still serve them booze. If there is none close by the bride/groom usually have arrangements made in a hotel room that is stocked for the party to continue. At about 2:30 AM its no longer cute to sit around with the newly married couple and they will kick everyone out.

I should also mention, that although there are religous families that have wonderful weddings, these families usually have a few degenerate friends or family members. In such occasions these people will setup what I like to call a "car bar". Usually the uncle who owns a liquor store will bring his mini-van packed with beers, and scotch. These leads to some unusual moments such as when the name of an uncle is called to walk out, and he's trying to chug the beer in the parking lot, but this explains the "pep" in his step.

To all of you who are getting married - Congratulations! To all of you in attendance, I hope you enjoy these random observations.

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

If you've ever been to a "Desi" or Indian Party, you've undoubtedly have seen it come to an end or have it broken up due to a fight. Its an absolutely amazing phenomenon that has transcended various generations of Indians, and to this day the fighting continues. The reason I call it a phenomenon is because generally speaking, Indians probably have the worst genetic make up when it comes to fighting. Unless we were gonna start swinging stethescopes, or using our moustaches as swords, I think we're pretty useless. Of course, the fighting is not caused by some deeply universal cause, but rather something even more profound.

For example, the following conversation may cause a fight:

Raj: Yo, kid what you gonna wear to the party tonight?

Jay: I was thinking about rocking my new Express shirt

Raj: Oh word, that's cool.

Then both Raj and Jay show up to the party.

Jay: What the fuck bro! I told you I was rockin my new Express shirt and you still wore the same one. That's fucked up shit son. You don't do that to your boy!

Raj: Oh yeah....what you gonna do about you skinny ass punk?

Jay: I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it.

At this point, Jay instead of being a man and taking on Raj, will pull out his cell phone and call 10 of his buddies. "Fellas, we got a code red! Raj, that punk ass is wearing the same shirt as me, I need you guys here right away. He goes down tonight".

Jay: Raj, you know what I shouldn't have over reacted

Raj: That's right, you better know who your talking to

BAM! WHACK!

Just then Raj gets hit over the head with a beer bottle, and 10 of Jay's friends start punching and kicking him, and take the poor guy down. This will undoubtedly lead to Raj getting Jay the same way at the next party, and fighting continues. Yes, Mahatma Gandhi would be so proud.

What makes the whole thing even more intriguing is that living in the 6-degrees-of-seperation culture we live in, Raj will probably end up marrying Jay's cousin. That's when things get really interesting. For example, to keep the feud going Jay may not invite Raj to the family barbecue, or worst he may invite him and make him drink Kingfisher while the rest of the family gets to enjoy Johnny Walker Black.

All I'm saying, is that aren't we missing the point here? The real culprit is Express for making more than one kind of the same exact shirt - those bastards! However, I can't blame Express for the stupidity that is "Young Indian Man", but I bet if I researched it a little better I'd find the same situations exist in most cultures.

BIO DATA

"BIO DATA." If your an Indian these are 2 of the most scariest words you'll ever hear. It officially signifies that your youth has passed, your still single, and your parents are tired of hearing questions about why your not married yet. For those of you who may not know, Indian parents have 2 great fears. 1 - their child is gay, 2 - there child will remain single after the age of 30. As far as being gay is concerned, its just not allowed. However, if it happens, there is little the parents can do about it. As for the latter, Indian parents have developed an intricate "laissez-faire" system to do everything in their power to get their child married off before the age of 30.

Its quite simple the way it works. During the life of their child they will not permit their children to date, and make them focus on "studies". Then when their child is socially retarded and sent off to college, they will hope the child finds their significant other there. When this does not happen, they panic, and around the age of 26 or 27 if the child is still single they will ask the child to make a Bio Data, or a resume of themselves which they can show other people.



A typical Bio Data contains factual information, as well as astrological information. It typically accompanies a picture of you and looks something like this:








Name: Mr. or Mrs. Patel


Date of Birth: This is very important for Astrological reasons


Height / Wt.: this is usually a lie.


Skin Complexion: for example fair, wheatish, or ashy


Religion: Your either a Hindu, Hindu, or Hindu


Caste: this one can be a deal breaker. Believe it or not, but this one is sometimes also mentioned with information such as the type of Patel you are.


Address: both here, as well as the home in India from which your family has migrated. This is just so we can see if there's anybody that talks smack about you in the motha-land.


Education: this is usually important for the parents


Occupation: I try to write something classy here such as "Part-time pimp/full-time Playaaa", however this one field alone determines your real value in the market.


Hobbies / interests: usually cooking, or traveling


Father's Name:


Mother's Name:


Brother/Sister (s): Their marital status is also listed here



Once this done, these "pimp vouchers" are then traded like stock by parents in the global meat market of 20-something-year old Indians around the world.



What's interesting is the emphasis put on education. You can look like a toe, and be a doctor and the phone will ring off the hook. The ideal catch is a doctor which meets your astrological criteria, and is the right kind of Patel (no pressure here). High honors is also given to Pharmacists, and lawyers. Anything involving IT represents job-security but not a fat bank roll, so parents will usually settle for this, and won't make a big fuss about it.


Although this technique has worked quite well in the past, I've noticed now that its not really doing much. More and more 2nd generation people are growing up and not wanting to get married, and more and more parents are getting disgruntled and having ulcers as a result of this. The new age parents, try to encourage their kids to set themselves up on websites such as http://www.shaadi.com/ which to me seems to be the on-line trading of the pimp-vouchers and the meat market they represent. I truly believe we are getting closer to a day when people will actually be able to trade options on these bio-datas.

As an Indian whose grown up in America this concept is quite foreign, and sounds somewhat insane. However, you can't argue with the results and the numbers. This system, although not perfect has produced many happy unions. I'm now related to several people who have found their match in this meat-market.

On-line Dating

So recently more and more people I know have turned to on-line dating. It seems to be a popular trend that is now infiltrating the Indian culture of America. For many Indians this is new and unexplored territory. For many of us we had limited options to find our soulmates -

1. Meet them in high school / college & date them for many many years and then marry them

2. Meet them in temple and date them for many many years and then marry them

3. Meet them thru parents, and date them for 48 hours and marry them

Finally, the most common

4. Aimlessly wander about at night clubs and bars until in that fateful moment you puke on your beloved's shoes, and decide that they will be yours for the rest of your days. You date them for a few months and rush into something completely unprepared.

But now, everything's changed. On-line dating has come and changed the whole game up. You can totally be yourself and post an air-brushed picture of you with the right light and trick people into thinking you really do look like a movie star first thing in the morning. You can share your hobbies such as cooking (however, I find it odd that no one enjoys cleaning). You can tell people how your fun-loving, and have a sense of humor - but only if its you making the joke.

All in all, I'd say on-line dating is a good thing for the Indian community and the world in general. I think it does everyone a favor because now people can be who they want to be instead of who they actually are.

Yoga - Not Just a Cool Trend Anymore

I remember a long time ago when Yoga was thought of as some weird stretching done by spaced out guys in the jungles of India. It is no longer the case. I recently learned that more than 15 million Americans practice yoga now. That number shows an increase of nearly 30 percent just last year. Bikram Yoga is the hottest new trend of Yoga. As NPR describes it its where "Western Capitalism meets the spiritual teachings of Yoga". With thousands of Bikram Yoga studios across the nation, Bikram Chowdury has setup quite a Yoga Empire unto himself.

Recently many friends of mine have started yoga as well. What I find quite ironic about this is that these same friends when they were told about the benefits of Yoga by their parents found it to be "hindu witchcraft" and are now realizing the untapped resource they had inherited from their culture. What I find more fascinating is the spiritual aspect of Yoga. It seems to be the only venu I can think of where one gets to be spiritual, and relaxed, without any agenda of religion.

I recently had a few yoga lessons myself from a friend of mine who became a certified instructor. At first I didn't know what to expect. However, by the end of the lesson I was beat. I can honestly say that it was one of the most punishing, intense, and blissful workouts I'd ever done.

Desi Parties

Aaaah yes, the Desi Party. Where you wait in line, till your hands go numb, and hope to grind on a drunk Indian girl before her friends spot you and pull you away. I feel in today's day and age the desi party is almost a right of passage of Indian College Students in America. This right of passage is present everywhere, however, in the NY/NJ area it is very prevalent. For those of you who may not know, "Desi" is a slang term for Indian, and a "Desi" party is one that is predominantly Indian. The DJ is Indian, the attendees are Indian, however the bouncer is always Black (usually a big dude).

I remember my first Desi Party like it was yesterday. I was too cheap to pay for the coat check so I waited in line without a coat on a January night in New York. The bouncer kept yelling at people to form a line, and being that everyone was Indian, nobody could understand this concept. There was always 1 or 2 Indian guys with cell phones or walkie talkies going in and out of the place like they were important and there were always hords of idiots trying to tell them that they are important and worthy of entry. "Bro, I'm Samir's girlfriend's brother. he didn't tell you I was coming?" Retarded phrases such as these fill the air, and undoubtedly result in the Indian with the walkie talkie telling the Bouncer "I don't know him. Unless he's got like 6 girls with him, he doesn't get in". Of course, by doing this he was only teasing the poor bastard.

My favorite part of Desi Parties is all the planning involved. First you lookup the party (http://www.desiparty.com/), then you find out who is going. As a guy, the critical thing was to always try to roll with girls, so you didn't look like a loser. You finally decide on a place to pre-game and off you go. The doors open at 10 PM but because your Desi - just to be safe you show up at 9, and the line is already half way down the block. You wait, and wait, and finally the group in front of you gets in. Just when you begin to give up hope you hear those magical words "Let me see your ID please". With shivering hands you give the bouncer your id, and get your ticket. At this point you've never been so glad to pay $20 to walk into a place. Finally, you step foot inside the club and out of the cold, and its a huge family re-union.

Off to the bar you go! Some SoCo and Lime shots are downed (manly enough, and weak enough for the Indian tolerance). The music is always pretty good, and you like a gazelle in the wild you look for your prey. An Indian girl who happen to be dancing by herself. You soon realize this is not the case, and they only travel in packs. So then you chug your drink, and go behind an unsuspecting lady with your liquid confidence. Slowly you approach her. She's not looking and neither are her friends. You make your move! You rush behind her before any other guy can and start violently banging your crotch against her behind in hopes of serenading her. She turns around and gives you a sign that you may continue. Your in! You'v e captured your prey. Your feeling victorious. Just before you let out the Johnny Drama Victory yell, you've been spotted by her friend. She does the unthinkable. She grabs the girl away from you and leaves you by yourself.

In conclusion, this cycle is repeated many times. Each time your dissed the number of shots taken increases. Then in order to hold your head up high the Dj plays Bhangra and you find your boys and dance as if that was what you went for in the first place.