Menopause Mystery

I believe that a man should only have to endure menopause once in his life. Yes, I've said it. It sounds crazy, and I understand its the women who have to endure the hot flashes, and the hormonal civil war that occurs in their bodies, but the abuse men take during this time is seriously not accounted for. In my experience, the stay-at-home Indian moms can be quite a handful to deal with during this transition into the "Golden Years". Everything from the Masala Fury to Raging Hormonal Madness comes out and manifests its self in the form of verbal attacks to you because you are the cause of all that is evil in the world for being a male.

In other areas of medicine, when a person displays the following characteristics:

1 - irrationality
2 - disillusionment
3 - emotionally instability
4 - bipolar tendencies
5 - paranoia

We diagnose them and call them a schizophrenic person. Usually the remedy includes taking medicine such as Zoloft or Risperdal and letting them be on their way. The drugs usually make them more easy to deal with, less hallucinogenic, and as a side effect less horny. However, in the case of Menopause nothing can be done. We've got all the drugs in the world, but we can't find one that will stop a grown woman from cutting the lawn with scissors. On top of that you get yelled at for not helping. Its just unreal!

As a man, its not easy to deal with this. You can not use any of the tools at our disposal such as logic, rationality, and repeated offers of sex. It just gets you into more trouble. Usually if you try to rationalize why it wouldn't be good to spray paint your pet dog, there is a 95% chance you may end up making her cry. However, the part that requires the most patience is the conversation you have to try to keep with a woman going through Menopause. Its like trying to talk to someone who is tripping on Acid or Shrooms. Your ear drums will get bombarded with everything from Women's Rights topics, to politics, and eventually why she thinks the new sweater she bought is "so cute" even though its probably more appropriate for the teenage daughter. I've had the following conversation with a woman going through Menopause:

Me: So what do you want to do for dinner today?
Meno Lady: Why is it always my fault!? What did I do to you? Why do you always blame the dinner problems on me!?
Me: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Can you tell me if you'd like to cook or just order in?
Meno Lady: Wasn't it just a beautiful day outside today? I mean the sun was shining, the birds were churping, it was just lovely.
Me: So I guess I should call Dominos?
Meno Lady: Go kill yourself. You wouldn't be anything without me! You don't even know! You just don't get it!
Me: Would you like Cheesy Bread?

The tactic to employ here is to be consistent. Either way, you are not going to win.

So for all the men in the world that are enduring the fury of Menopause, the only advice I can offer is for you to just stick it out. In the words of Will Ferrel in Old School "Keep on truckin". It ain't easy, but once it has passed, the emotions won't change so frequently, and maybe just maybe you might even be able to use a lawn mower to cut the grass. After Menopause you will be begging for the days of begging for sex, and hoping to squeeze it in between Scrabble and Grey's Anatomy.