Ah yes, the days of being single. When you can grind up on anyone you want, say anything you want, and not have anyone to answer to the next day except your buddy who is only there to tell you all the details that you couldn't remember in your inebriated state of mind. Its a beautiful thing - the single life. I highly recommend everyone try it at least once. Just so you know why its necessary to have a significant other to accomplish progress in life. Otherwise, if I didn't have anyone pushin me, I'd probably be found laying on the floor with my receipts from last night, with dollar bills crumpled in my pockets, and a weird taste of hookah, budweiser, and Ciroc taking turns dancing on my taste buds. It would be wonderful, but it wouldn't be productive.
Being "The Indian Guy", I want to take a moment to school some of you rookie guys on a mistake you are bound to make when you go from being single to being in a relationship. When you're single and you go out, its no holds barred. Everyone is up for grabs (sometimes literally), and you go out there and make a fool of yourself. You can use all the cheesy pick-up lines, and work all your "game" and its okay. Your a nut-case, and in many cases you might even be "that guy". You know, the one who makes a fool of himself by drinking too much, but usually ends up creating situations where everyone has fun. All of this is well, and good, and even encouraged.
One of the biggest tools in your arsenal when you're single is your ability to dance. If you can move, and you look descent, and smell okay, there is a good chance a young lady might let you bang your crotch against her caboose. Again, this is well and good, and even encouraged. If you're not a social retart there is even a good chance that you have a group of people you go out with that is a mix of boys/girls. Some of those girls are "just friends" and some of them are girlfriends of friends and you know these girls are "off limit" or "out of bounds". However, after a few drinks, they get all silly with you and dance with you in a flirtatious manner knowing that you mean no harm. Again, nothing wrong with this as long as its just fun and silliness. Usually, if your single for a long time, this becomes a re-occurring thing. Where you go out with your friends, and their girlfriends, and your "girl friends" and you get drunk and dance with them and nothing happens. Sometimes it may get risque, but you never cross the line. At some point, its no big deal and it just becomes part of your behaviour. Taking a shot of soco and lime, then "booty-bumping" your boy's girlfriend is a funny joke.
Then one day you get a girlfriend.
Everything changes.
However, you are a moron, and you don't change! Trust me fellas, this is a classic way to get into your first fight with your new girlfriend. On one hand, you had fun being single, on the other hand, you enjoy sex with another human being.
Most guys after dating the new girl for a while want to bring her around to meet their friends and their girlfriends. So you all get together, and you go out, and old habits die hard. Before you know it, your taking a Soco & Lime shot and booty-bumping your friend's girlfriend again! Big mistake.
What's worst, is that most men don't realize how territorial women can be. In many instances, your "girl friends" or your buddy's girlfriend's had you on demand. If they came up to you and started dancing you would follow suit, because you were single and had nothing else to do. Now, that you have a girlfriend, they will still try the same things, and your dumb ass will forget about your new girlfriend and probably go dancing with them. However, if you do not, and decide to stay with your girlfriend, than it just agitates them even more because they can't have you "on demand" and they start using every man's kryptonite. Provocative gyration of the female body.
Now, if your a veteran of the game, you keep cool and allow your girlfriend to start making out with you in front of them, and thereby claiming her territory (kind of like a dog peeing on a tree). However, there's a good chance your an idiot, and will go dance with your buddy's girlfriend or your "girl friend". In which case, that will be the girl who has claimed her territory. If its the latter, than I'm sorry to say, you are not getting laid by your new girlfriend. Someone just took over the tree she is supposed to pee on, and she ain't happy. Undoubtedly, you will not be allowed to see your friends for a while, and will probably have to do something to make up for it such as go tampon shopping with her.
In either case, I strongly urge all guys that are new in a relationship to be conscious of how stupid you really are and were when you were single. You may think that you are more mature, but "Frank the Tank" is still in there somewhere, and you never know when he will come out. Be smart, and you will be rewarded in the form of fornication, otherwise, its back to the drawing board.
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Biggest Source of Tension for an Indian Woman
Recently I've been surrounded by lots of friends, family, as well as my girlfriend and her family. It is a pretty hectic experience, because not too many people who are not Indian understand that its okay to have so many people in one house and it can even be fun. However, throughout all of the things that were happening there was one thing that stood out in my mind. All the women, had one thing in common. I couldn't believe it, and I didn't realize it, but all the women were all stressed about the same damn thing! Every time a woman said something, without fail she uttered the words that are the source of tension 99.9% of the time in 99.9% of all Indian women.
"Did you eat?" "What did you eat?" These two questions are probably asked by Indian women more than any other question ever. No matter what you say, you will never have a correct answer to this question. Even if you've answered the question, it will not stop them from asking again. It didn't matter if the woman was young or old, or who she was talking to. For some reason, Indian women are just infatuated by whether or not you've eaten and what you've eaten. I can't explain it, but I know its a Universal Truth. You show me a room with an Indian woman, and put a man in there, and I guarantee that the first thing she will ask is "Did you eat?" I think its quite phenomenal that all the women of one nation are all concerned about one thing and that is food.
However, I began to wonder. Why are Indian women always asking this question? Why do they care more about whether or not you ate, than anything else in this world. I could come home with stitches on my face, and my mom would worry about what I ate. Its just the simple truth. But the question still remains....why? I thought of a few possible answers below:
1. They already ate, and feel guilty and now want to make sure you eat too
- That's right. Not many people have the courage to do it, but I, the Indian Guy am calling you ladies out! If you ate, than don't force us to eat so you can feel better about yourself. It ain't right, and my jeans are tight enough. I don't need a second dinner.
2. They want to know their food tastes good
- I am convinced, that most women are insecure about what they've cooked. Therefore, by harassing someone into eating something they've cooked and then undoubtedly asking the follow up question "How is it? Do you like it?" and getting the response they want to hear makes them feels better about themselves, and allows them to go back to their moms and say "I can cook mom! Your not the only one!". However, once again, I will take the bold stand and tell you that if a guy does not want to eat your cooking, he probably is really full and has already eaten, or just doesn't like the way your food tastes. However, most men I know would rather eat two meals, than have to spend time in the dog house.
3. They take the phrase "The fastest way to a man's heart is his stomach" literally
- I'm convinced that if a woman thinks a guy is a catch, well than to keep him from going anywhere all you have to do is fatten him up! Its evil, its cruel, but it keeps that one-of-a-kind guy in your posession. They think that by expanding his waist line, he will expand his heart.
In any case, Indian women have always been, and probably always will be concerned about what you ate. So the next time you come across one, be prepared.
"Did you eat?" "What did you eat?" These two questions are probably asked by Indian women more than any other question ever. No matter what you say, you will never have a correct answer to this question. Even if you've answered the question, it will not stop them from asking again. It didn't matter if the woman was young or old, or who she was talking to. For some reason, Indian women are just infatuated by whether or not you've eaten and what you've eaten. I can't explain it, but I know its a Universal Truth. You show me a room with an Indian woman, and put a man in there, and I guarantee that the first thing she will ask is "Did you eat?" I think its quite phenomenal that all the women of one nation are all concerned about one thing and that is food.
However, I began to wonder. Why are Indian women always asking this question? Why do they care more about whether or not you ate, than anything else in this world. I could come home with stitches on my face, and my mom would worry about what I ate. Its just the simple truth. But the question still remains....why? I thought of a few possible answers below:
1. They already ate, and feel guilty and now want to make sure you eat too
- That's right. Not many people have the courage to do it, but I, the Indian Guy am calling you ladies out! If you ate, than don't force us to eat so you can feel better about yourself. It ain't right, and my jeans are tight enough. I don't need a second dinner.
2. They want to know their food tastes good
- I am convinced, that most women are insecure about what they've cooked. Therefore, by harassing someone into eating something they've cooked and then undoubtedly asking the follow up question "How is it? Do you like it?" and getting the response they want to hear makes them feels better about themselves, and allows them to go back to their moms and say "I can cook mom! Your not the only one!". However, once again, I will take the bold stand and tell you that if a guy does not want to eat your cooking, he probably is really full and has already eaten, or just doesn't like the way your food tastes. However, most men I know would rather eat two meals, than have to spend time in the dog house.
3. They take the phrase "The fastest way to a man's heart is his stomach" literally
- I'm convinced that if a woman thinks a guy is a catch, well than to keep him from going anywhere all you have to do is fatten him up! Its evil, its cruel, but it keeps that one-of-a-kind guy in your posession. They think that by expanding his waist line, he will expand his heart.
In any case, Indian women have always been, and probably always will be concerned about what you ate. So the next time you come across one, be prepared.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Reasons for Sex
If your Indian, your thankful for three things. Cricket, Aishwarya Rai, and the Kama Sutra. I would say in a nutshell, those three things help identify us. However, the one thing Indians can really hang their hat on, is the fact that while most major religions in the world tend to diminish the importance of sex, we praise it. In fact, we praise it so much, that to help the retarts that can't figure it out we made an instruction manual called the Kama Sutra. Now you may be wondering what does this have to do with anything? Well, I recently came across this article which goes on to explain the benefits of sex, and 5 good reasons to get your freak on today. Being the guy that I am, I thought I'd share these 5 reasons with you, and then share my own 5 reasons.
Their Reasons:
1. Sex boosts your immune system
They claim "A startling number of physicians are now recognizing how sexual and emotional health affect our entire well being". I'm guessing these were the dorks in Med school who couldn't get laid, and are now off getting busy with the hot Pharmaceutical Sales Reps and discovering this for the first time.
2. Sex burns calories
This may be true, but not if your on the bottom. According to them "A mere 30-minutes of sex burns 90 calories". I'm guessing they surveyed a senior citizen home if this is the case.
3. Sex relieves pain
"Orgasm is one serious narcotic!" They claim "sex can reduce pain, swelling, and inflammation associated with arthritis, headaches and menstrual cramps." I claim, that if you don't do it right, there is also a good chance that it can have the opposite effect.
4. Sex decreases aging
They say "“Use it or lose it” has never been more applicable. Regular sex releases a plethora of “happy” chemicals into your bloodstream, including testosterone." I say, cool.
5. Sex is great for depression
I can see the ad now, "Where does depression hurt?" There can be a guy pointing to his pecker saying, "Depression hurts here". Then a voiceover can tell you about how sex treats depression, and a long ass message that says "side effects may include an urge to cuddle, a need to smoke, funky yet seductive body odor, and birth".
Although these are good reasons, in the words of T-mobile, I've got "my-five":
1. Sex can help you get a promotion
There is no question you perform better at work when your less stressed, and more relaxed. If you don't believe me, hire a prostitute than start your next project and tell me if you don't see the difference in productivity and performance.
2. Sex can bring peace to the world
I'm thoroughly convinced that if all just started sexually experimenting with people from other cultures we'd find that we all have a lot more in common than not. I mean seriously, if we all just embraced the bodies of other cultures than I think we can definitely get over our differences because I'm pretty sure we'd find that when all is said and done, we like to get our freak on and that is something to build on.
3. Sex is good for your self confidence
Let's face it, being naked can sometimes be a nervous experience. However, if you've got someone else whose also naked (assuming most people take all their clothes off during sex), it can help you feel good about yourself. You may begin to wonder "Hey, I am the freakin man. Not only is she naked with me, but I get to violate her. Gee, I must be special".
4. Sex can make you a better poker player
Chris Rock once said "Just because I'm going, don't mean you made me go". I'll be honest, I've cleaned it up a bit, but the point is simple. Just because your having sex with one person, don't mean you can't pretend its someone else. In fact, engaging in this type of behaviour will really help out your poker game. You can make an honest face, and tell the other person they are amazing, and meanwhile you were thinking of Brad Pitt or Adriana Lima, and this can help you improve your poker face. Before you know it, your friends and lovers won't know the difference between your bluff when you go all in, or your bluff when your in the bedroom.
5. Sex can turn you into a model
If there is one thing about sex, its that during the act people make some odd ass faces. However, while these faces are being made they think they are sexy or cool or even provocative. Its kind of like the face my white friend Chris makes when dancing. However, there is a benefit to this. The more you have sex, the "cooler" your many looks and faces can become. Combine this with the rigorous cardio workout your having, and you may end up turning into a model who can make the run-way face and still look cool. However, just remember, practice makes perfect.
In general, if your still looking for reasons to have sex, than I suggest you get rid of your Nintendo Wii and join the rest of humanity.
Their Reasons:
1. Sex boosts your immune system
They claim "A startling number of physicians are now recognizing how sexual and emotional health affect our entire well being". I'm guessing these were the dorks in Med school who couldn't get laid, and are now off getting busy with the hot Pharmaceutical Sales Reps and discovering this for the first time.
2. Sex burns calories
This may be true, but not if your on the bottom. According to them "A mere 30-minutes of sex burns 90 calories". I'm guessing they surveyed a senior citizen home if this is the case.
3. Sex relieves pain
"Orgasm is one serious narcotic!" They claim "sex can reduce pain, swelling, and inflammation associated with arthritis, headaches and menstrual cramps." I claim, that if you don't do it right, there is also a good chance that it can have the opposite effect.
4. Sex decreases aging
They say "“Use it or lose it” has never been more applicable. Regular sex releases a plethora of “happy” chemicals into your bloodstream, including testosterone." I say, cool.
5. Sex is great for depression
I can see the ad now, "Where does depression hurt?" There can be a guy pointing to his pecker saying, "Depression hurts here". Then a voiceover can tell you about how sex treats depression, and a long ass message that says "side effects may include an urge to cuddle, a need to smoke, funky yet seductive body odor, and birth".
Although these are good reasons, in the words of T-mobile, I've got "my-five":
1. Sex can help you get a promotion
There is no question you perform better at work when your less stressed, and more relaxed. If you don't believe me, hire a prostitute than start your next project and tell me if you don't see the difference in productivity and performance.
2. Sex can bring peace to the world
I'm thoroughly convinced that if all just started sexually experimenting with people from other cultures we'd find that we all have a lot more in common than not. I mean seriously, if we all just embraced the bodies of other cultures than I think we can definitely get over our differences because I'm pretty sure we'd find that when all is said and done, we like to get our freak on and that is something to build on.
3. Sex is good for your self confidence
Let's face it, being naked can sometimes be a nervous experience. However, if you've got someone else whose also naked (assuming most people take all their clothes off during sex), it can help you feel good about yourself. You may begin to wonder "Hey, I am the freakin man. Not only is she naked with me, but I get to violate her. Gee, I must be special".
4. Sex can make you a better poker player
Chris Rock once said "Just because I'm going, don't mean you made me go". I'll be honest, I've cleaned it up a bit, but the point is simple. Just because your having sex with one person, don't mean you can't pretend its someone else. In fact, engaging in this type of behaviour will really help out your poker game. You can make an honest face, and tell the other person they are amazing, and meanwhile you were thinking of Brad Pitt or Adriana Lima, and this can help you improve your poker face. Before you know it, your friends and lovers won't know the difference between your bluff when you go all in, or your bluff when your in the bedroom.
5. Sex can turn you into a model
If there is one thing about sex, its that during the act people make some odd ass faces. However, while these faces are being made they think they are sexy or cool or even provocative. Its kind of like the face my white friend Chris makes when dancing. However, there is a benefit to this. The more you have sex, the "cooler" your many looks and faces can become. Combine this with the rigorous cardio workout your having, and you may end up turning into a model who can make the run-way face and still look cool. However, just remember, practice makes perfect.
In general, if your still looking for reasons to have sex, than I suggest you get rid of your Nintendo Wii and join the rest of humanity.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Warming Up For The Next Lover
We all travel through life falling in and out of love. For some, it can be a vicious cycle that repeats often, and others only go through it once. Some are even lucky enough to find their true love the first time they meet, and don't even know what it means to fall "out". Its a punishing, and beautiful thing which helps us understand the world, and more importantly ourselves. Some try to put a number on how many times it may happen, and call it destiny or fate, and others well they just understand that what's gotta happen, is gonna happen.
However, there is something that is quite ironic about this entire process. Its not something we like to talk about often, and of course I would like to take this opportunity to do just that. I recently saw a cartoon that reminded me of this strange paradox. The truth is very simply, that each time we go into a relationship we grow more as a person. We make mistakes, and we learn from those mistakes. The kicker, is that the next person who comes along is the one who benefits. So for example, if you were impatient when your girlfriend was getting ready, and always got mad or through a fit, your current girlfriend has to put up with it. However, after that relationship is over, the next girl who comes along will be fortunate enough to have a guy whose not so impatient and gives her the time she needs to get ready.
Does nobody else but me find this nuts! Think about it. You will always be a better person in your next relationship! I find this hilarious and humbling at the same time. Its also the reason why when a guy starts dating a girl for the first time and she does something amazing in bed and drives him wild, he thoroughly enjoys it. Then he begins to wonder.....how did she learn how to do that? Who was the bastard before you who taught her that? Which usually ends to a pointless argument. Of course, as "fate" would have it, this is something the next girl he dates won't have to deal with.
So go on. Do what you gotta do. Date all types of people. Pretty ones, crazy ones, and of course my favorite the horny ones. Learn what you gotta learn. At some point, you might be lucky to find a person who has learned just as much as you, and knows just as much as you, and has been through just as much as you. If you ever find that person at the right time, I guess you might then know what love is.
However, there is something that is quite ironic about this entire process. Its not something we like to talk about often, and of course I would like to take this opportunity to do just that. I recently saw a cartoon that reminded me of this strange paradox. The truth is very simply, that each time we go into a relationship we grow more as a person. We make mistakes, and we learn from those mistakes. The kicker, is that the next person who comes along is the one who benefits. So for example, if you were impatient when your girlfriend was getting ready, and always got mad or through a fit, your current girlfriend has to put up with it. However, after that relationship is over, the next girl who comes along will be fortunate enough to have a guy whose not so impatient and gives her the time she needs to get ready.
Does nobody else but me find this nuts! Think about it. You will always be a better person in your next relationship! I find this hilarious and humbling at the same time. Its also the reason why when a guy starts dating a girl for the first time and she does something amazing in bed and drives him wild, he thoroughly enjoys it. Then he begins to wonder.....how did she learn how to do that? Who was the bastard before you who taught her that? Which usually ends to a pointless argument. Of course, as "fate" would have it, this is something the next girl he dates won't have to deal with.
So go on. Do what you gotta do. Date all types of people. Pretty ones, crazy ones, and of course my favorite the horny ones. Learn what you gotta learn. At some point, you might be lucky to find a person who has learned just as much as you, and knows just as much as you, and has been through just as much as you. If you ever find that person at the right time, I guess you might then know what love is.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Jealousy Factor
From what I've observed, it seems that in all relationships (relationships being a sexual one between a man & a woman), there exists a certain jealousy factor. I can't explain why, but it just seems that at any given moment in time, a certain amount of jealousy emanates from one of the parties, and in retaliation that party tries to overcompensate. Its very difficult to explain, but I think I'm onto something here. I find that this is a completely universal phenomenon, and has nothing to do with your background. If your a guy / girl and your in a relationship, I urge you to be mindful of the Jealousy Factor.
I find that we all go thru life trying out various different types of people. I call this process dating. To me, dating is like a wine tasting. You learn a lot about different wines, and at the same time you also learn what suits your particular palate. Over time, and experience, you are able to identify the type of wine that you like the most. Now, for every person, this process is different, and can often lead to a variety of encounters. However, for some reason, when we get into relationships, we feel the need to share the stories of our journey with our partner. Without question, this ALWAYS happens. For women, it might be a reason to hear the guy explain how everything was wrong until she was found, and for men, well it might be a telling sign of whether or not she will swallow. In any case, we all have our reasons to share.
In my observation, I find, that at some point in time one of the parties just can't handle it. At some point in time, a girl maybe telling her boyfriend "Oh yeah, in my last relationship we used all types of gadgets and toys in bed....", and the boyfriend will just lose it. Its pretty funny when this happens, because the boyfriend is clearly annoyed, yet he tries to play it off like nothing is happening. So what does he do? He will cut her off by saying something dumb, and completely untrue. "Baby, please. You don't even wanna know what I've done. I've been with a girl who used toys too okay!" At this point, the relationship will usually take a turn for the worst. But my favorite, is when the guy and girl are talking about all the things they've done in bed with other people. They will often ask questions like "have you tried this, or done that?". This usually goes on until, one of the parties yells "Mercy!!!" Well, not exactly. But usually either the guy / girl usually hears something that they are truly disgusted with and just blames the other person for being a weirdo or a freak and storms out.
I don't know why people do this, but it always happens. I guess, curiosity is a disease no one is immune to. As a result, we usually find ourselves in conversations we did not want to be in, and then to overcompensate we make up some ridiculous stories. In my observation, those who tend to keep the most quiet when hearing some "wild" story of their partner, are usually the wilder ones in the relationship. I find it absolutely hilarious, when one person says about their partner "Oh, I know him / her, they would never do anything like that", only to walk in on them tied to a bed with a leather mask and a whip waiting on the end table.
I guess all I'm trying to say, is that we all have our own journeys in life, and there is nothing wrong with any of them. Don't try to compare yours to someone else's and try to accept people for the whores that they were, and the loyal lovers they will be.
I find that we all go thru life trying out various different types of people. I call this process dating. To me, dating is like a wine tasting. You learn a lot about different wines, and at the same time you also learn what suits your particular palate. Over time, and experience, you are able to identify the type of wine that you like the most. Now, for every person, this process is different, and can often lead to a variety of encounters. However, for some reason, when we get into relationships, we feel the need to share the stories of our journey with our partner. Without question, this ALWAYS happens. For women, it might be a reason to hear the guy explain how everything was wrong until she was found, and for men, well it might be a telling sign of whether or not she will swallow. In any case, we all have our reasons to share.
In my observation, I find, that at some point in time one of the parties just can't handle it. At some point in time, a girl maybe telling her boyfriend "Oh yeah, in my last relationship we used all types of gadgets and toys in bed....", and the boyfriend will just lose it. Its pretty funny when this happens, because the boyfriend is clearly annoyed, yet he tries to play it off like nothing is happening. So what does he do? He will cut her off by saying something dumb, and completely untrue. "Baby, please. You don't even wanna know what I've done. I've been with a girl who used toys too okay!" At this point, the relationship will usually take a turn for the worst. But my favorite, is when the guy and girl are talking about all the things they've done in bed with other people. They will often ask questions like "have you tried this, or done that?". This usually goes on until, one of the parties yells "Mercy!!!" Well, not exactly. But usually either the guy / girl usually hears something that they are truly disgusted with and just blames the other person for being a weirdo or a freak and storms out.
I don't know why people do this, but it always happens. I guess, curiosity is a disease no one is immune to. As a result, we usually find ourselves in conversations we did not want to be in, and then to overcompensate we make up some ridiculous stories. In my observation, those who tend to keep the most quiet when hearing some "wild" story of their partner, are usually the wilder ones in the relationship. I find it absolutely hilarious, when one person says about their partner "Oh, I know him / her, they would never do anything like that", only to walk in on them tied to a bed with a leather mask and a whip waiting on the end table.
I guess all I'm trying to say, is that we all have our own journeys in life, and there is nothing wrong with any of them. Don't try to compare yours to someone else's and try to accept people for the whores that they were, and the loyal lovers they will be.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Freak-Dar
When your 28 years old, and living on your own without being married, a 1 PM "breakfast" is not too uncommon on a Sunday. So like many other Sunday afternoons, I strolled out of bead after a chaotic night the prior evening trying to recollect my thoughts, and piece my night together. My morning started off with the same usual routine of getting up, looking at the time, going to sleep again, getting back up, and then moving to the living room, only to pass out on my couch again for a half hour. I put on some nice beats, and motivated myself to do the most essential of all human things - brush my teeth. After that I started getting ready for the day of football that lay ahead, and in that time my roommate happen to wake up and do his morning rituals. "Dude, brunch at the Diner?" he asked, knowing full well, that it was no question at all. "Of course, I need some grease in my body to clean out the booze" I responded. We strolled into the local diner, and happen to get an interesting table. It was not too far from the entrance, and oddly located such that you can see every person that happens to walk in/out. We ordered our usual food, and life seemed to be in perfect balance.
Everything was fine, until a couple walked in. It was a typical white couple. The guy had a Rutgers baseball cap, a sweatshirt and jeans, and the girl was also wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Now, in the most subtle way you can imagine, my buddy made a quick, scant glance and turned back to me in the middle of our conversation as if nothing happened. But I new that was not the case. I knew, my meal would not be the same, and neither would the conversation. In that brief glance, I knew that everything had changed. As he carried on the point he was probably making about global financial markets, I did what all good friends would do at that point, I called him out. "You motha fucka! You dirty dog!" I bursted out. "What dude? What the hell?" he said all perplexed. "You didn't think I'd notice did you?" Just then, he knew exactly what I was talking about and made that filthy smile I love to see.
There is an instinct that men have, and sometimes a subtle glance at a woman is all you need for that instinct to tell you what you need to know. When my buddy glanced at this woman in the middle of his story, and turned back to me, I knew exactly what he was thinking - that this woman must be a FREAK in the sack! I knew it, because I saw it too, and I had the same thought in my head. "Your thinking she'll ride you like Seabiscuit don't you?" I asked, and he said "Dude, she must be awesome in the sack, and that is one undeservingly lucky man". I can't explain why, but for some reason, I honestly contend that when a guy sees a girl he can tell how she is in bed, and I'm willing to bet, 90% of the time he is right. Woman have a look and a sexual aura, that men just pick up on and know that this one is spitter, and that one is a quitter.
Maybe its the way a woman carries herself, and maybe its the look of satisfaction or dissatisfaction she emits, but for some reason, guys just seem to know. In any case, the conversation during brunch quickly changed to what she probably does and does not do. "She's gotta be a screamer" I contended to which he countered "No way, dude, I know a pillow-biter when I see one!" I guess, in all of this I probably realized why I was not married, because I don't think I'd be able to have this same brunch conversation with a wife, but that doesn't mean I won't try.
Everything was fine, until a couple walked in. It was a typical white couple. The guy had a Rutgers baseball cap, a sweatshirt and jeans, and the girl was also wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Now, in the most subtle way you can imagine, my buddy made a quick, scant glance and turned back to me in the middle of our conversation as if nothing happened. But I new that was not the case. I knew, my meal would not be the same, and neither would the conversation. In that brief glance, I knew that everything had changed. As he carried on the point he was probably making about global financial markets, I did what all good friends would do at that point, I called him out. "You motha fucka! You dirty dog!" I bursted out. "What dude? What the hell?" he said all perplexed. "You didn't think I'd notice did you?" Just then, he knew exactly what I was talking about and made that filthy smile I love to see.
There is an instinct that men have, and sometimes a subtle glance at a woman is all you need for that instinct to tell you what you need to know. When my buddy glanced at this woman in the middle of his story, and turned back to me, I knew exactly what he was thinking - that this woman must be a FREAK in the sack! I knew it, because I saw it too, and I had the same thought in my head. "Your thinking she'll ride you like Seabiscuit don't you?" I asked, and he said "Dude, she must be awesome in the sack, and that is one undeservingly lucky man". I can't explain why, but for some reason, I honestly contend that when a guy sees a girl he can tell how she is in bed, and I'm willing to bet, 90% of the time he is right. Woman have a look and a sexual aura, that men just pick up on and know that this one is spitter, and that one is a quitter.
Maybe its the way a woman carries herself, and maybe its the look of satisfaction or dissatisfaction she emits, but for some reason, guys just seem to know. In any case, the conversation during brunch quickly changed to what she probably does and does not do. "She's gotta be a screamer" I contended to which he countered "No way, dude, I know a pillow-biter when I see one!" I guess, in all of this I probably realized why I was not married, because I don't think I'd be able to have this same brunch conversation with a wife, but that doesn't mean I won't try.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Menopause Mystery
I believe that a man should only have to endure menopause once in his life. Yes, I've said it. It sounds crazy, and I understand its the women who have to endure the hot flashes, and the hormonal civil war that occurs in their bodies, but the abuse men take during this time is seriously not accounted for. In my experience, the stay-at-home Indian moms can be quite a handful to deal with during this transition into the "Golden Years". Everything from the Masala Fury to Raging Hormonal Madness comes out and manifests its self in the form of verbal attacks to you because you are the cause of all that is evil in the world for being a male.
In other areas of medicine, when a person displays the following characteristics:
1 - irrationality
2 - disillusionment
3 - emotionally instability
4 - bipolar tendencies
5 - paranoia
We diagnose them and call them a schizophrenic person. Usually the remedy includes taking medicine such as Zoloft or Risperdal and letting them be on their way. The drugs usually make them more easy to deal with, less hallucinogenic, and as a side effect less horny. However, in the case of Menopause nothing can be done. We've got all the drugs in the world, but we can't find one that will stop a grown woman from cutting the lawn with scissors. On top of that you get yelled at for not helping. Its just unreal!
As a man, its not easy to deal with this. You can not use any of the tools at our disposal such as logic, rationality, and repeated offers of sex. It just gets you into more trouble. Usually if you try to rationalize why it wouldn't be good to spray paint your pet dog, there is a 95% chance you may end up making her cry. However, the part that requires the most patience is the conversation you have to try to keep with a woman going through Menopause. Its like trying to talk to someone who is tripping on Acid or Shrooms. Your ear drums will get bombarded with everything from Women's Rights topics, to politics, and eventually why she thinks the new sweater she bought is "so cute" even though its probably more appropriate for the teenage daughter. I've had the following conversation with a woman going through Menopause:
Me: So what do you want to do for dinner today?
Meno Lady: Why is it always my fault!? What did I do to you? Why do you always blame the dinner problems on me!?
Me: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Can you tell me if you'd like to cook or just order in?
Meno Lady: Wasn't it just a beautiful day outside today? I mean the sun was shining, the birds were churping, it was just lovely.
Me: So I guess I should call Dominos?
Meno Lady: Go kill yourself. You wouldn't be anything without me! You don't even know! You just don't get it!
Me: Would you like Cheesy Bread?
The tactic to employ here is to be consistent. Either way, you are not going to win.
So for all the men in the world that are enduring the fury of Menopause, the only advice I can offer is for you to just stick it out. In the words of Will Ferrel in Old School "Keep on truckin". It ain't easy, but once it has passed, the emotions won't change so frequently, and maybe just maybe you might even be able to use a lawn mower to cut the grass. After Menopause you will be begging for the days of begging for sex, and hoping to squeeze it in between Scrabble and Grey's Anatomy.
In other areas of medicine, when a person displays the following characteristics:
1 - irrationality
2 - disillusionment
3 - emotionally instability
4 - bipolar tendencies
5 - paranoia
We diagnose them and call them a schizophrenic person. Usually the remedy includes taking medicine such as Zoloft or Risperdal and letting them be on their way. The drugs usually make them more easy to deal with, less hallucinogenic, and as a side effect less horny. However, in the case of Menopause nothing can be done. We've got all the drugs in the world, but we can't find one that will stop a grown woman from cutting the lawn with scissors. On top of that you get yelled at for not helping. Its just unreal!
As a man, its not easy to deal with this. You can not use any of the tools at our disposal such as logic, rationality, and repeated offers of sex. It just gets you into more trouble. Usually if you try to rationalize why it wouldn't be good to spray paint your pet dog, there is a 95% chance you may end up making her cry. However, the part that requires the most patience is the conversation you have to try to keep with a woman going through Menopause. Its like trying to talk to someone who is tripping on Acid or Shrooms. Your ear drums will get bombarded with everything from Women's Rights topics, to politics, and eventually why she thinks the new sweater she bought is "so cute" even though its probably more appropriate for the teenage daughter. I've had the following conversation with a woman going through Menopause:
Me: So what do you want to do for dinner today?
Meno Lady: Why is it always my fault!? What did I do to you? Why do you always blame the dinner problems on me!?
Me: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Can you tell me if you'd like to cook or just order in?
Meno Lady: Wasn't it just a beautiful day outside today? I mean the sun was shining, the birds were churping, it was just lovely.
Me: So I guess I should call Dominos?
Meno Lady: Go kill yourself. You wouldn't be anything without me! You don't even know! You just don't get it!
Me: Would you like Cheesy Bread?
The tactic to employ here is to be consistent. Either way, you are not going to win.
So for all the men in the world that are enduring the fury of Menopause, the only advice I can offer is for you to just stick it out. In the words of Will Ferrel in Old School "Keep on truckin". It ain't easy, but once it has passed, the emotions won't change so frequently, and maybe just maybe you might even be able to use a lawn mower to cut the grass. After Menopause you will be begging for the days of begging for sex, and hoping to squeeze it in between Scrabble and Grey's Anatomy.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Brown Instincts
According to wikipedia instincts are "inherited fixed action patterns". They are a fixed set of reactions to certain stimuli. Most of the time creatures use instincts for survival. For example, a horse's first reaction to a threat is to flee.
With this concept of instincts as being something that is "innate", I began to wonder, what are the instincts of the species known as "The Indian Man"? I mean really what stimuli, when applied to any Indian Man will prompt the same reaction all over the world? At first, I thought this was preposterous. Can all Indian men have the same reaction to certain stimuli? This is just a silly hypothesis I thought to myself. Then I arrived in Frankfurt for a business conference. There, I saw it unfold with my own eyes. There are certain things that all Indian men just seem to have a natural ability to do.
For example, when a vulture sees a dead carcass, it will usually circle it several times, and then all the vultures will feed off the dead carcass. From my experience, it seems to me that when an Indian Man finds a strip club in a new city. Just like the vultures do, he will survey it several times over, and before you know it all the Indian men in that city will find themselves there. This happened my second night of the conference I was attending in Europe. I was taking it easy and had just returned from a nice meal. Afterwards, my colleagues and I were winding down the night with some well-deserved post-dinner drinks. Afterwards, one of my colleagues turns to me and says "Hey buddy, would you like to join us at a lounge tonight?" I thought to myself, these guys are not from around here, so they must have asked around and found a decent lounge / bar. Well, it turns out that what they found was a strip club that was a haven for every Indian Business man in that city! I mean literally I walked in, and freakin felt like I stepped onto a train in Mumbai.
Then I saw the other fixed reaction to a stimuli. A naked woman went over and asked for a dance, and all the guys no matter how bad they wanted one initially said no. Some of them had their money ready, but for some reason, just did not want to be the first one to get a dance. Being the Alpha Male that I like to think I am, I offered my services. I laid down on the bar with some Euros in my mouth, and showed my fellow species how its done. I like to think that was the tipping point, because after that the bodies were piling up on stage as if it was some kind of religious ritual.
Finally, I saw the last fixed reaction the following day. When all of us were at the conference, every single person who was at that club the night before when asked about how their night was responded with the same exact response. "It was fine. Nothing much to see here in this city. We had some drinks and called it a night." But they all had a dirty smile etched onto their souls, and memories of dirty Euros in their mouths. No matter how much I tried to just say where I was, all I could muster up was "Aaah, it was nothin. No big deal. Don't even recall really what happened".
With this concept of instincts as being something that is "innate", I began to wonder, what are the instincts of the species known as "The Indian Man"? I mean really what stimuli, when applied to any Indian Man will prompt the same reaction all over the world? At first, I thought this was preposterous. Can all Indian men have the same reaction to certain stimuli? This is just a silly hypothesis I thought to myself. Then I arrived in Frankfurt for a business conference. There, I saw it unfold with my own eyes. There are certain things that all Indian men just seem to have a natural ability to do.
For example, when a vulture sees a dead carcass, it will usually circle it several times, and then all the vultures will feed off the dead carcass. From my experience, it seems to me that when an Indian Man finds a strip club in a new city. Just like the vultures do, he will survey it several times over, and before you know it all the Indian men in that city will find themselves there. This happened my second night of the conference I was attending in Europe. I was taking it easy and had just returned from a nice meal. Afterwards, my colleagues and I were winding down the night with some well-deserved post-dinner drinks. Afterwards, one of my colleagues turns to me and says "Hey buddy, would you like to join us at a lounge tonight?" I thought to myself, these guys are not from around here, so they must have asked around and found a decent lounge / bar. Well, it turns out that what they found was a strip club that was a haven for every Indian Business man in that city! I mean literally I walked in, and freakin felt like I stepped onto a train in Mumbai.
Then I saw the other fixed reaction to a stimuli. A naked woman went over and asked for a dance, and all the guys no matter how bad they wanted one initially said no. Some of them had their money ready, but for some reason, just did not want to be the first one to get a dance. Being the Alpha Male that I like to think I am, I offered my services. I laid down on the bar with some Euros in my mouth, and showed my fellow species how its done. I like to think that was the tipping point, because after that the bodies were piling up on stage as if it was some kind of religious ritual.
Finally, I saw the last fixed reaction the following day. When all of us were at the conference, every single person who was at that club the night before when asked about how their night was responded with the same exact response. "It was fine. Nothing much to see here in this city. We had some drinks and called it a night." But they all had a dirty smile etched onto their souls, and memories of dirty Euros in their mouths. No matter how much I tried to just say where I was, all I could muster up was "Aaah, it was nothin. No big deal. Don't even recall really what happened".
Friday, September 26, 2008
Women Parasites
Not too long ago, I was having a stressful day at work, and a good friend who I'll call AJ, agreed to help me kill some brain cells by pounding some booze. The effect was magical. Before I stepped into the establishment, my head felt heavy, and my neck, and shoulders felt like I had the world's problems on them. A few brews in, I was light on my feet, and felt loose enough to take on the world. As men often do when releasing stress, me and my buddy got to talkin.
"So how's things with your girl?" I asked. "Could be better" he said. Now you should know one thing about AJ. He is one of the most analytical people I've ever met. I mean everything to this guy is an analysis. A drink of water will only occur, if the investment of time and effort put into getting it, is worth it. He thinks about everything in terms of timing, effort put in, and what is gained. Everything accept one thing that is - his girlfriend. He said something quite interesting to me when he uttered the words "If I was thinking about this rationally, I'd have let her go by now. But at some point you've got to throw logic and rationality out the window and use your emotions I guess. If you don't , your not human". For him to say this, for me was the ultimate testament that people are emotional creatures more than anything.
Getting deeper into the conversation he said something that I'll never forget. "There's something to be said about the parasitic nature of women" were the words he spoke that stuck to my mind. For some reason, this statement sparked a curiosity in my mind, and I did a little homework. According to wikipedia "Parasitism is a type of symbiotic relationship between organisms of different species[citation needed] in which one, the parasite, benefits from a prolonged, close association with the other, the host, which is harmed. In general, parasites are much smaller than their hosts, show a high degree of specialization for their mode of life and reproduce more quickly and in greater numbers than their hosts". "The harm and benefit in parasitic interactions concern the biological fitness of the organisms involved. Parasites reduce host fitness in many ways, ranging from general or specialized pathology (such as castration), impairment of secondary sex characteristics, to the modification of host behaviour. Parasites increase their fitness by exploiting hosts for food, habitat and dispersal."
Upon reading this definition, I felt a sense of familiarity come over me. Kind of like those situations you see sometimes and think "Oh yeah, I know exactly what that feels like". He said as we carried on talking, that he didn't mind this, but its just that once in a while, when he needed something he just assumed she'd be there, and when it doesn't happen you kind of feel like sh*t. All of this was a bit much to take in at once. The two voices in my head (Stella Artois and Sam Adams) were screaming how much my friend was right! However, I had to think about this. Are women really parasites to men? Do they get more out of a relationship than men do?
Well, I thought I'd think this out point-by-point and see if women fit this definition:
1 - Parasites are much smaller than their host
Yes, but not always, since some dudes like more "cushion for the pushin"
2 - Show a high degree of specialization for their mode of life
Most women I know are pretty much all over the place all the freakin time. If I need a quick decision, I would probably avoid asking a woman, however if I needed a smart decision, that's probably the way to go, since we all know what "head" men use 98% of the time. This theory doesn't really fit.
3 - Reproduce more quickly and in greater numbers than their host
This one is just self-explanatory
4 - Parasites reduce host fitness
This one can go either way. Women either piss men off so much, that they go to the gym to blow off steam, or they drive them to alcohol/drug abuse. Either way you develop a tolerance for pain.
5 - Modification of host behaviour
I believe there is no question regarding this trait. A man, any man, always behaves differently when he's in a relationship, than when he's not. I have a buddy who when he was single got to 3rd base with a girl in a club one night, then asked everyone to smell his finger. This same buddy of mine, is now telling me he's ready for kids.
In conclusion, although this is an interesting comparison if I concluded that women were parasites, I probably would never get laid. But besides that, I think women are a necessary part of being a man. They get us to see things differently, and sometimes its good, and sometimes it ain't.
"So how's things with your girl?" I asked. "Could be better" he said. Now you should know one thing about AJ. He is one of the most analytical people I've ever met. I mean everything to this guy is an analysis. A drink of water will only occur, if the investment of time and effort put into getting it, is worth it. He thinks about everything in terms of timing, effort put in, and what is gained. Everything accept one thing that is - his girlfriend. He said something quite interesting to me when he uttered the words "If I was thinking about this rationally, I'd have let her go by now. But at some point you've got to throw logic and rationality out the window and use your emotions I guess. If you don't , your not human". For him to say this, for me was the ultimate testament that people are emotional creatures more than anything.
Getting deeper into the conversation he said something that I'll never forget. "There's something to be said about the parasitic nature of women" were the words he spoke that stuck to my mind. For some reason, this statement sparked a curiosity in my mind, and I did a little homework. According to wikipedia "Parasitism is a type of symbiotic relationship between organisms of different species[citation needed] in which one, the parasite, benefits from a prolonged, close association with the other, the host, which is harmed. In general, parasites are much smaller than their hosts, show a high degree of specialization for their mode of life and reproduce more quickly and in greater numbers than their hosts". "The harm and benefit in parasitic interactions concern the biological fitness of the organisms involved. Parasites reduce host fitness in many ways, ranging from general or specialized pathology (such as castration), impairment of secondary sex characteristics, to the modification of host behaviour. Parasites increase their fitness by exploiting hosts for food, habitat and dispersal."
Upon reading this definition, I felt a sense of familiarity come over me. Kind of like those situations you see sometimes and think "Oh yeah, I know exactly what that feels like". He said as we carried on talking, that he didn't mind this, but its just that once in a while, when he needed something he just assumed she'd be there, and when it doesn't happen you kind of feel like sh*t. All of this was a bit much to take in at once. The two voices in my head (Stella Artois and Sam Adams) were screaming how much my friend was right! However, I had to think about this. Are women really parasites to men? Do they get more out of a relationship than men do?
Well, I thought I'd think this out point-by-point and see if women fit this definition:
1 - Parasites are much smaller than their host
Yes, but not always, since some dudes like more "cushion for the pushin"
2 - Show a high degree of specialization for their mode of life
Most women I know are pretty much all over the place all the freakin time. If I need a quick decision, I would probably avoid asking a woman, however if I needed a smart decision, that's probably the way to go, since we all know what "head" men use 98% of the time. This theory doesn't really fit.
3 - Reproduce more quickly and in greater numbers than their host
This one is just self-explanatory
4 - Parasites reduce host fitness
This one can go either way. Women either piss men off so much, that they go to the gym to blow off steam, or they drive them to alcohol/drug abuse. Either way you develop a tolerance for pain.
5 - Modification of host behaviour
I believe there is no question regarding this trait. A man, any man, always behaves differently when he's in a relationship, than when he's not. I have a buddy who when he was single got to 3rd base with a girl in a club one night, then asked everyone to smell his finger. This same buddy of mine, is now telling me he's ready for kids.
In conclusion, although this is an interesting comparison if I concluded that women were parasites, I probably would never get laid. But besides that, I think women are a necessary part of being a man. They get us to see things differently, and sometimes its good, and sometimes it ain't.
Friday, September 19, 2008
How to Keep a Man Happy
I recently came across this article on Wikihow about how to keep your (sober ) man happy (between the ages of 21 - 30). I was thoroughly annoyed by this article, just like I'm annoyed with most articles written on this topic. Its obviously written by a woman. I find it hilarious that so many articles about keeping your man happy are written by women. Its like a marriage counselor giving marriage advice, whose never been married themselves. I mean seriously people, can we get a man to write these articles?! If I wanted to know how to bake a cake, I wouldn't ask my mechanic - you know what I'm saying?
In any case, this person goes onto explain that among other things you shouldn't "convey yourself to your man". God forbid! Then this person goes onto explain "helps if you are the same way with your man, telling him the honest-to-goodness truth about what he says and does as it happens". Well I have a NEWSFLASH: THE PROBLEM WITH MOST PEOPLE IS THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY SAY OR SAY WHAT THEY MEAN! I'm willing to bet that 90% of all relationship fights occur, because both the man AND the woman don't say the truth about how they feel. Even if its a good thing, they feel the need to hold back. Why? I don't know. I guess we're afraid of showing who we really are.
Continuing on to the wonderful advice, this person goes onto explain "Don't assume that doing nice things for your man, even things that are traditionally viewed as subservient, will make him view you as any less independent". Yes, that is exactly how to keep us men happy. By NOT BEING NICE TO US! You know, us guys, we loooooove to bicker and bitch it out with the ladies, because we have nothing better to do. Let me explain something here. Bickering to women is like jerking off to men. Sometimes we do it, just because there's nothing else going on! Its a win-win since it provides pleasure, and kills time all at once.
I just find it sad, that we live in this day and age where websites ask for personality profiles, and magazines go around giving suggestions of hundreds of things that can be done to keep men and/or women happy. When the truth of the matter is that we are simple creatures with simple needs. We don't have to give into all the hype. I believe Dave Chapelle said it best when he said "If you wanna keep a man happy, its simple. Suck his dick, play with his balls, and make him a sandwhich".
In any case, this person goes onto explain that among other things you shouldn't "convey yourself to your man". God forbid! Then this person goes onto explain "helps if you are the same way with your man, telling him the honest-to-goodness truth about what he says and does as it happens". Well I have a NEWSFLASH: THE PROBLEM WITH MOST PEOPLE IS THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY SAY OR SAY WHAT THEY MEAN! I'm willing to bet that 90% of all relationship fights occur, because both the man AND the woman don't say the truth about how they feel. Even if its a good thing, they feel the need to hold back. Why? I don't know. I guess we're afraid of showing who we really are.
Continuing on to the wonderful advice, this person goes onto explain "Don't assume that doing nice things for your man, even things that are traditionally viewed as subservient, will make him view you as any less independent". Yes, that is exactly how to keep us men happy. By NOT BEING NICE TO US! You know, us guys, we loooooove to bicker and bitch it out with the ladies, because we have nothing better to do. Let me explain something here. Bickering to women is like jerking off to men. Sometimes we do it, just because there's nothing else going on! Its a win-win since it provides pleasure, and kills time all at once.
I just find it sad, that we live in this day and age where websites ask for personality profiles, and magazines go around giving suggestions of hundreds of things that can be done to keep men and/or women happy. When the truth of the matter is that we are simple creatures with simple needs. We don't have to give into all the hype. I believe Dave Chapelle said it best when he said "If you wanna keep a man happy, its simple. Suck his dick, play with his balls, and make him a sandwhich".
Monday, August 25, 2008
Breasts - The Final Frontier
For as far back as I can remember, I've always been a breast man (as opposed to an ass man). My friend Mr. Umerica recently sent me this article about breasts. Its quite an interesting article. Its a 32 year old woman's take on her large breasts, and her thoughts on her perfectly moulded, and buoyant god given bouncing Buddhas. It is kind of interesting to understand a well endowed woman's view on her own body who has a sense of humor. So I would like to take this moment to share my thoughts on this lady's genuine juggernauts and how she feels about them. She talks about how she realized she had big breasts when men started giving her free fish at the market (talk about irony). Anyhow, she goes onto explain that since the age of 12 she's pretty much been stacked. The basic premise of her article is that women see their breasts as a fashion accessory whereas men see them as the center of the universe.
Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to agree with her second point, and call her out on some of her other statements. She claims:
1. "When I buy a dress, I don't consciously think, Wow, this is going to make all the men in the room want me. More like, How will it offset my best feature?"
I believe the appropriate word here is "BULLSHIT". Let's be honest lady, your not exactly going to show off your intellectual personality with a dress that that barely covers your nipples. Second, when women put time into getting ready, and they have on that dress that fits just right, and makes them feel good - they know it. They are out there, they are flirting and in fact they are getting the men to like them more. Most women I know have an outfit that they know makes them look "FAAAIN!" and when they flaunt it, they don't want men to just notice their fun-loving personality.
2. "I know what you're thinking: Nothing low-cut was ever purchased in innocence. I swear to you, my breasts and I, we never conspire. We're just trying to look our best."
Honey, you and your breast are in fact conspiring to put yourselves out there as much as possible. Maybe you don't want all the attention on your breasts, but the fact that it draws more attention to you than other women can also be considered a victory.
3. "I feel about my breasts the way Audrey Hepburn felt about her neck. They're just part of my outfit, along with the right shoes, the right hose, the right earrings"
The only part of this statement I agree with is that a good pair of breast do compliment the right hoes. Listen, if your breasts match your earrings, than my schlong matches my socks.
4. "I am not always the best-looking or most sought-after girl at the party. But I always look appropriately festive, men tell me that I look nice"
My guess is she's a butter-face, however the fact that she always looks "festive" tells me that she probably has more than just one "cleavage-enhancing" dress. The reason men are telling you that you look nice is that when you giggle they jiggle.
5. "My advice, should you find yourself chatting with an amply endowed female, is to practice restraint. It's not that we mind you looking at our breasts; it's just that seeing you do it is creepy. The stare, obviously, is bad, and the quick, subtle glance is never as quick or subtle as you hope"
This is a statement that I absolutely agree with. 9 times out of 10 men go wrong because they talk to the boobs and not the babe. I'm willing to guess that women who are stacked know it, and they are probably so used to guys just gawking that if one were to actually look her in the eyes and talk, the odds of getting between em probably increase significantly.
6. "Men are always a bit amazed to see a pair of naked breasts, and their amazement level increases with quality and size."
Duh! We live most of our lives wondering when will be the next time I get to see another pair. Will it be free or will I have to pay? Will they be built for comfort or for speed? Of course our amazement increases with quality and size. Wouldn't your amazement of a Ferrari be greater than that of a toy hot rod?
7. "After 20 years of having big breasts, I look down at them and ask, What have you done for me lately?"
I'm betting they got you a few more complements and conversations than you would've originally gotten, and you've probably made a few more men walk into poles.
8. "Let's cut a deal. We'll wear nothing but low-cut shirts... if you promise to listen to everything we say when we're wearing them."
First of all this is just a bold lie. You wear things that are low-cut because you know how good you look in them. So let's cut another deal. You wear what you want, and we'll listen to what we want.
In any case, I do think this lady does give an interesting perspective on her humpty-dumpty's. However, I believe our fascination with the sweater-stretchers is more complicated than that. I think it is the one thing on the front side of a person that lets men know that the beautiful face you noticed does in fact belong to a woman. Its knowing that which I believe preoccupies us more than anything.
When it comes to breasts, women, and how they dress I believe in Dave Chappelle's philosophy (paraphrased):
"Women should be respected. If they choose to wear clothes that push their breasts up to their necks and have their asses hanging half way out their skirt, its their option and they are allowed to. It also does not mean that these women are hoes. However, ladies, you shouldn't get upset for a guy calling you a hoe when your dressed like that. That's like if I was dressed up as a cop right? And I was standing out there on the street and you came up to me saying "Excuse me officer! A person was just shot, and the criminal is getting away, you must go after him!" and I respond "Now hold up. Wait just a minute. Just because I'm wearing a police officer's uniform, doesn't make me a police officer!". Ladies, you may not be hoes, but you have a hoe's uniform on, you feel me?"
Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to agree with her second point, and call her out on some of her other statements. She claims:
1. "When I buy a dress, I don't consciously think, Wow, this is going to make all the men in the room want me. More like, How will it offset my best feature?"
I believe the appropriate word here is "BULLSHIT". Let's be honest lady, your not exactly going to show off your intellectual personality with a dress that that barely covers your nipples. Second, when women put time into getting ready, and they have on that dress that fits just right, and makes them feel good - they know it. They are out there, they are flirting and in fact they are getting the men to like them more. Most women I know have an outfit that they know makes them look "FAAAIN!" and when they flaunt it, they don't want men to just notice their fun-loving personality.
2. "I know what you're thinking: Nothing low-cut was ever purchased in innocence. I swear to you, my breasts and I, we never conspire. We're just trying to look our best."
Honey, you and your breast are in fact conspiring to put yourselves out there as much as possible. Maybe you don't want all the attention on your breasts, but the fact that it draws more attention to you than other women can also be considered a victory.
3. "I feel about my breasts the way Audrey Hepburn felt about her neck. They're just part of my outfit, along with the right shoes, the right hose, the right earrings"
The only part of this statement I agree with is that a good pair of breast do compliment the right hoes. Listen, if your breasts match your earrings, than my schlong matches my socks.
4. "I am not always the best-looking or most sought-after girl at the party. But I always look appropriately festive, men tell me that I look nice"
My guess is she's a butter-face, however the fact that she always looks "festive" tells me that she probably has more than just one "cleavage-enhancing" dress. The reason men are telling you that you look nice is that when you giggle they jiggle.
5. "My advice, should you find yourself chatting with an amply endowed female, is to practice restraint. It's not that we mind you looking at our breasts; it's just that seeing you do it is creepy. The stare, obviously, is bad, and the quick, subtle glance is never as quick or subtle as you hope"
This is a statement that I absolutely agree with. 9 times out of 10 men go wrong because they talk to the boobs and not the babe. I'm willing to guess that women who are stacked know it, and they are probably so used to guys just gawking that if one were to actually look her in the eyes and talk, the odds of getting between em probably increase significantly.
6. "Men are always a bit amazed to see a pair of naked breasts, and their amazement level increases with quality and size."
Duh! We live most of our lives wondering when will be the next time I get to see another pair. Will it be free or will I have to pay? Will they be built for comfort or for speed? Of course our amazement increases with quality and size. Wouldn't your amazement of a Ferrari be greater than that of a toy hot rod?
7. "After 20 years of having big breasts, I look down at them and ask, What have you done for me lately?"
I'm betting they got you a few more complements and conversations than you would've originally gotten, and you've probably made a few more men walk into poles.
8. "Let's cut a deal. We'll wear nothing but low-cut shirts... if you promise to listen to everything we say when we're wearing them."
First of all this is just a bold lie. You wear things that are low-cut because you know how good you look in them. So let's cut another deal. You wear what you want, and we'll listen to what we want.
In any case, I do think this lady does give an interesting perspective on her humpty-dumpty's. However, I believe our fascination with the sweater-stretchers is more complicated than that. I think it is the one thing on the front side of a person that lets men know that the beautiful face you noticed does in fact belong to a woman. Its knowing that which I believe preoccupies us more than anything.
When it comes to breasts, women, and how they dress I believe in Dave Chappelle's philosophy (paraphrased):
"Women should be respected. If they choose to wear clothes that push their breasts up to their necks and have their asses hanging half way out their skirt, its their option and they are allowed to. It also does not mean that these women are hoes. However, ladies, you shouldn't get upset for a guy calling you a hoe when your dressed like that. That's like if I was dressed up as a cop right? And I was standing out there on the street and you came up to me saying "Excuse me officer! A person was just shot, and the criminal is getting away, you must go after him!" and I respond "Now hold up. Wait just a minute. Just because I'm wearing a police officer's uniform, doesn't make me a police officer!". Ladies, you may not be hoes, but you have a hoe's uniform on, you feel me?"
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Addicted
I happen to be fortunate enough to be friends with a guy I'll call Evan. Evan has that rare thing that I like to call "magnetism". He can walk into a room and just command attention. He doesn't have to say a word, but the way he carries himself, says it all. For some reason, people just seem to be drawn to him, and its just a natural phenomenon that can't be explained. The same way asians are drawn to coupons is the way people seem to be drawn to Evan. Women want him, and men want to be him. Its a pretty damn good situation to be in. Evan has got it all. The looks, the style, the charm, the career, and of course the women. He has the ability to make people laugh by just being himself. He has a divine gift for humility and candor.
Evan, my friends, has an ADDICTION. That's right, my friend who has everything in the world a man could want, also has an addiction. His addiction is not easy. Like all addictions he thinks he has it under control, but the truth is...your addiction controls you, never the other way around. For a long time he didn't realize he had an addiction, and he thought he was just being "normal" and it got him into a lot of trouble. He thought to himself "What? Everybody does it. What's the big deal"? Then came the denial, just the disbelief that he was different from everybody. How could someone that is so loved, be so flawed? He just refused to believe it.
It was a cold lonely night when Evan finally admitted he had a problem. He had just finished dinner with some colleagues, and they headed over to the Hustler Club for some after dinner drinks and "dessert" as he always called it. He was doing his thing. He was charming the women, and they in turn were taking care of Evan's clients. Everyone was happy. Then while he was sitting down and enjoying his drink one of the strippers sat on his lap and started talking to Evan and playing with his hair. Before he could realize what had happened two bouncers were carrying him out the door and threw him on the streets. "Kick that fucker's ass! He fucking tried to steal my thong! That low-life son of a bitch! I feel so violated" cried the stripper as she sobbed.
You see ladies and gentleman, my friend Evan is addicted to women's underwear. He can't get enough of it. He needs it. Its the reason why many women he's hooked up with never call him again, because its embarrasing getting into a cab without your underwear, and who would want to humiliate themselves that way? The worst came that night in the strip club, when he tried to slip the stripper's thong off while she was talking to him. In the midst of all the conversation and alcohol, he accidentally pulled too hard, and broke the thong. Not only was the stripper embarrased, but all her singles came falling down from the piece of nylon that was holding them in place. Evan, has never been the same since.
I always wondered why I never saw him with the same girl more than once, and after I knew the truth it all made sense. I figured sure its nice to be with a different gorgeous knock-out every night but at least one of them you'd like to see more than once. Anyhow, Evan is still the same charming guy he always was. However, he has to be careful with himself. He can't walk into a Target or worst - a mall by himself. The last time he tried that he was caught stealing the thong off of a manquin at Victoria's Secret, and I had to talk to security so they didn't press charges.
Addictions, are never easy. They are battles that have to be fought all the time, and require tremendous will power. Hopefully, some day, my friend Evan will be able to look at a woman's g-string or a thong as a part of her attire, and not as a symbol of conquest.
Evan, my friends, has an ADDICTION. That's right, my friend who has everything in the world a man could want, also has an addiction. His addiction is not easy. Like all addictions he thinks he has it under control, but the truth is...your addiction controls you, never the other way around. For a long time he didn't realize he had an addiction, and he thought he was just being "normal" and it got him into a lot of trouble. He thought to himself "What? Everybody does it. What's the big deal"? Then came the denial, just the disbelief that he was different from everybody. How could someone that is so loved, be so flawed? He just refused to believe it.
It was a cold lonely night when Evan finally admitted he had a problem. He had just finished dinner with some colleagues, and they headed over to the Hustler Club for some after dinner drinks and "dessert" as he always called it. He was doing his thing. He was charming the women, and they in turn were taking care of Evan's clients. Everyone was happy. Then while he was sitting down and enjoying his drink one of the strippers sat on his lap and started talking to Evan and playing with his hair. Before he could realize what had happened two bouncers were carrying him out the door and threw him on the streets. "Kick that fucker's ass! He fucking tried to steal my thong! That low-life son of a bitch! I feel so violated" cried the stripper as she sobbed.
You see ladies and gentleman, my friend Evan is addicted to women's underwear. He can't get enough of it. He needs it. Its the reason why many women he's hooked up with never call him again, because its embarrasing getting into a cab without your underwear, and who would want to humiliate themselves that way? The worst came that night in the strip club, when he tried to slip the stripper's thong off while she was talking to him. In the midst of all the conversation and alcohol, he accidentally pulled too hard, and broke the thong. Not only was the stripper embarrased, but all her singles came falling down from the piece of nylon that was holding them in place. Evan, has never been the same since.
I always wondered why I never saw him with the same girl more than once, and after I knew the truth it all made sense. I figured sure its nice to be with a different gorgeous knock-out every night but at least one of them you'd like to see more than once. Anyhow, Evan is still the same charming guy he always was. However, he has to be careful with himself. He can't walk into a Target or worst - a mall by himself. The last time he tried that he was caught stealing the thong off of a manquin at Victoria's Secret, and I had to talk to security so they didn't press charges.
Addictions, are never easy. They are battles that have to be fought all the time, and require tremendous will power. Hopefully, some day, my friend Evan will be able to look at a woman's g-string or a thong as a part of her attire, and not as a symbol of conquest.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
She's Aggressive
Not too long ago, me and 2 of my co-workers had gone out for lunch. One of my co-workers is a young woman in her 30's who has been married for a few years (let's call her Amy), and my other co-worker is a guy that's a year younger than me (let's call him Adam) who is in a long distance relationship, where he lives in America and his girlfriend is on the other side of the world. We were talking about relationships, and my latest blunder at the time.
While we were eating, Amy says to me "you know my husband's best friend is half Irish and half Indian, and he has a beautiful sister". Immediately my appetite faded, and I was all ears. "She has great skin, and light eyes". To which I respond, "well you know, I happen to be Irish on the inside, and probably have the liver of an Irishman. I think your friend's sister is in luck". We all got a good laugh out of that, and Amy continued to describe this girl to me. Meanwhile my co-worker Adam had lost his appetite and as we were sitting outside eating our salads our imaginations ran wild about the possible hotness that is this girl. After finishing describing her and her brother, and how they are such good friends with the family my friend Amy says to me "but there's one thing." Immediately, I'm thinking there always is. I figured she was gonna tell me the girl is recently married, or has joined the peace corps and gone to Africa. However, Amy says to me "she's aggressive". Before Amy could even finish saying those two words a dirty smile had crept across my face. I looked over at Adam, and the same dirty smile had made its way on his face as well.
In that funny little moment, I soon realized how truly different men and women are. You see, when Amy told me her friend was "aggressive" after all the beatiful description of her physique me and Adam were probably picturing Aishwarya Rai with the libido of Jenna Jameson, and we couldn't have been more excited. Meanwhile, Amy was saying things like "she's very controlling" which I translated as "Okay, maybe she likes to be on top? - I can live with that". However, she went on to describe how her friend can get a bit controlling at times. To this day, I have not met this person. However, I'm willing to bet my left nut that she's pretty hot and I'm sure she is controlling. I haven't met a hot girl who isn't. If you have met a hot girl that's not controlling, well you're in luck because she doesn't know that she's hot, and as soon as she does, she will become controlling.
All in all, I've realized that as much as we may try, as a guy whenever you hear about women you only hear things in relation to sex. Someone can tell you that they have a friend who has long beautiful hair, works out a lot, and is really book-smart, and we will imagine a hot librarian who takes the scrunchy out of her hair and lets it all fall back, and soon thereafter completely fulfills your desires. I don't know if we will ever change, but as they say "the day I don't think about it, is the day I'd die".
While we were eating, Amy says to me "you know my husband's best friend is half Irish and half Indian, and he has a beautiful sister". Immediately my appetite faded, and I was all ears. "She has great skin, and light eyes". To which I respond, "well you know, I happen to be Irish on the inside, and probably have the liver of an Irishman. I think your friend's sister is in luck". We all got a good laugh out of that, and Amy continued to describe this girl to me. Meanwhile my co-worker Adam had lost his appetite and as we were sitting outside eating our salads our imaginations ran wild about the possible hotness that is this girl. After finishing describing her and her brother, and how they are such good friends with the family my friend Amy says to me "but there's one thing." Immediately, I'm thinking there always is. I figured she was gonna tell me the girl is recently married, or has joined the peace corps and gone to Africa. However, Amy says to me "she's aggressive". Before Amy could even finish saying those two words a dirty smile had crept across my face. I looked over at Adam, and the same dirty smile had made its way on his face as well.
In that funny little moment, I soon realized how truly different men and women are. You see, when Amy told me her friend was "aggressive" after all the beatiful description of her physique me and Adam were probably picturing Aishwarya Rai with the libido of Jenna Jameson, and we couldn't have been more excited. Meanwhile, Amy was saying things like "she's very controlling" which I translated as "Okay, maybe she likes to be on top? - I can live with that". However, she went on to describe how her friend can get a bit controlling at times. To this day, I have not met this person. However, I'm willing to bet my left nut that she's pretty hot and I'm sure she is controlling. I haven't met a hot girl who isn't. If you have met a hot girl that's not controlling, well you're in luck because she doesn't know that she's hot, and as soon as she does, she will become controlling.
All in all, I've realized that as much as we may try, as a guy whenever you hear about women you only hear things in relation to sex. Someone can tell you that they have a friend who has long beautiful hair, works out a lot, and is really book-smart, and we will imagine a hot librarian who takes the scrunchy out of her hair and lets it all fall back, and soon thereafter completely fulfills your desires. I don't know if we will ever change, but as they say "the day I don't think about it, is the day I'd die".
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Inter-cultural Relationships
So I recently came across this website where singles can go and meet other singles (no, I wasn't on the prowl - I swear). In this particular ad an Indian guy is looking to meet a white girl. Check it out:
I think Inter-cultural relationships is probably a better term for this than interracial (because Indians are actually considered caucasians), but also because sometimes if your Indian, dating a person from another part of the country can be just as difficult.
So in any case, I'd like to take a moment and help this poor bastard out. First of all he starts his ad by saying he's "attractive". That to me raises red flags right there. If I'm correct, shouldn't the other person decide if your attractive? Then he goes on to claim he is a "British Born Indian guy" which to me sounds like he's saying "Hey, I'm so white on the inside you won't notice I'm brown on the outside". However, he gets caught in his lie when he uses the phrase "would love to go out with a white girl as it is my preference". This is where the gig is up buddy! If you were really a British born Indian guy you'd say something like "because it is my preference", the fact that you said "as it is my preference" proves to me just how much of a Mumbai-born recently immigrated to Britain guy you really are! I work with plenty of Indians and they all have one thing in common - they don't ever use the word "because" they simply use "as" instead. I think I just found a Mumbain-born Indian guy who has migrated to Britain, and is hoping to get his freak on with the "mystical" white girls which he's only seen on youtube clips and heard stories of through migrated friends. What's worst is he finishes off his strong candidacy by asking "Do white women find Indian guys attractive?" What are you thinking?!? Is that even a question? Of course they do buddy, but your not one of em apparently.
All I'm saying is that if you want to attract a white girl or a black girl, or any other non-Indian girl, I'd start by making a strong bold statement. Perhaps something like "I'm the Indian son of the man who invented the Kama Sutra, and I'm starting a new practice here in London. I"m looking to share my knowledge with attractive and interested students who are (non-Indian / cultural preference) females between the ages of 21 - 30, who are comfortable with their bodies and spirituality. Flexibility and an un-inhibited personality is preferred". I mean you figure with something like this you might at least get a curiosity bang.
The point I'm trying to make here, is that inter-cultural relationships are not easy, but they can also be fun since in today's information age, we are learning about other people at a much faster pace. But the one thing that remains universally true, is that if a guy wants to get a girl, he's gotta be confident and comfortable with who he is, before he can get to know her no matter where she's from, or what color her skin is.
I think Inter-cultural relationships is probably a better term for this than interracial (because Indians are actually considered caucasians), but also because sometimes if your Indian, dating a person from another part of the country can be just as difficult.
So in any case, I'd like to take a moment and help this poor bastard out. First of all he starts his ad by saying he's "attractive". That to me raises red flags right there. If I'm correct, shouldn't the other person decide if your attractive? Then he goes on to claim he is a "British Born Indian guy" which to me sounds like he's saying "Hey, I'm so white on the inside you won't notice I'm brown on the outside". However, he gets caught in his lie when he uses the phrase "would love to go out with a white girl as it is my preference". This is where the gig is up buddy! If you were really a British born Indian guy you'd say something like "because it is my preference", the fact that you said "as it is my preference" proves to me just how much of a Mumbai-born recently immigrated to Britain guy you really are! I work with plenty of Indians and they all have one thing in common - they don't ever use the word "because" they simply use "as" instead. I think I just found a Mumbain-born Indian guy who has migrated to Britain, and is hoping to get his freak on with the "mystical" white girls which he's only seen on youtube clips and heard stories of through migrated friends. What's worst is he finishes off his strong candidacy by asking "Do white women find Indian guys attractive?" What are you thinking?!? Is that even a question? Of course they do buddy, but your not one of em apparently.
All I'm saying is that if you want to attract a white girl or a black girl, or any other non-Indian girl, I'd start by making a strong bold statement. Perhaps something like "I'm the Indian son of the man who invented the Kama Sutra, and I'm starting a new practice here in London. I"m looking to share my knowledge with attractive and interested students who are (non-Indian / cultural preference) females between the ages of 21 - 30, who are comfortable with their bodies and spirituality. Flexibility and an un-inhibited personality is preferred". I mean you figure with something like this you might at least get a curiosity bang.
The point I'm trying to make here, is that inter-cultural relationships are not easy, but they can also be fun since in today's information age, we are learning about other people at a much faster pace. But the one thing that remains universally true, is that if a guy wants to get a girl, he's gotta be confident and comfortable with who he is, before he can get to know her no matter where she's from, or what color her skin is.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Men, Women & Friendship
Often I've contemplated the idea of a man and a woman just being friends. In the beginning I was an idealist and felt that "sure, men and women can be just friends, and nothing more without sexual tension". Then I grew up and realized how ridiculous that is. Men and women can be friends, but sexual tension will always be there. Women won't admit it, and men can't hide it.
The basic, problem in all of this is the would / wouldn't dillemma. You see, every time a man sees a woman he asks himself the basic question "would I or would I not bang her?" Of course, basic ground rules such as family relationships and things like that apply where this would not be the case. However, for example if I were to walk down a Manhattan block I will most likely ask and answer this question about 25 - 35 times and it will happen within a matter of seconds. The other problem is that 98% of the time the answer is I would, or I would with a bag on her face.
So if that's the case and a guy would not bang a girl, then friendship is a possibility right? Wrong! The problem here, is that when men are genuinely not interested in the woman; 99% of the time that's exactly what attracts a woman to him, and thus, the tension is there. On the other hand, when a guy would bang the girl.....well, we know what happens. He ogles and blatantly undresses her with his eyes, and occasionally gets caught drooling, thus making the friendship a bit uncomfortable.
With that said, I do still believe there are very unique conditions when friendship does remain a possibility. Those conditions are as follows:
- You've tried dating and it just didn't work, so you realize friendship is better
- You grew up with someone
- You form a friendship so close with the other person that you see them as a sibling
- There is a common task at hand which requires both of you to work together, so until your working on that task, you manage to suppress the sexual beast, and keep it friendly (this condition keeps most of corporate America under control)
- You realize that you just don't have a chance with the other person, but they are still cool enough that you manage to be friends
These aforementioned situations allow for conditional friendship between men & woman. I know some of you will read this and say "No way. I've been friends with this girl for years, and she's like my boy. She just gets me. I can go to her for advice and everything." To those people I'd say, "Are you sure your not in love?" Didn't Usher teach us about this on his first album?
The basic, problem in all of this is the would / wouldn't dillemma. You see, every time a man sees a woman he asks himself the basic question "would I or would I not bang her?" Of course, basic ground rules such as family relationships and things like that apply where this would not be the case. However, for example if I were to walk down a Manhattan block I will most likely ask and answer this question about 25 - 35 times and it will happen within a matter of seconds. The other problem is that 98% of the time the answer is I would, or I would with a bag on her face.
So if that's the case and a guy would not bang a girl, then friendship is a possibility right? Wrong! The problem here, is that when men are genuinely not interested in the woman; 99% of the time that's exactly what attracts a woman to him, and thus, the tension is there. On the other hand, when a guy would bang the girl.....well, we know what happens. He ogles and blatantly undresses her with his eyes, and occasionally gets caught drooling, thus making the friendship a bit uncomfortable.
With that said, I do still believe there are very unique conditions when friendship does remain a possibility. Those conditions are as follows:
- You've tried dating and it just didn't work, so you realize friendship is better
- You grew up with someone
- You form a friendship so close with the other person that you see them as a sibling
- There is a common task at hand which requires both of you to work together, so until your working on that task, you manage to suppress the sexual beast, and keep it friendly (this condition keeps most of corporate America under control)
- You realize that you just don't have a chance with the other person, but they are still cool enough that you manage to be friends
These aforementioned situations allow for conditional friendship between men & woman. I know some of you will read this and say "No way. I've been friends with this girl for years, and she's like my boy. She just gets me. I can go to her for advice and everything." To those people I'd say, "Are you sure your not in love?" Didn't Usher teach us about this on his first album?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
If you've ever been to a "Desi" or Indian Party, you've undoubtedly have seen it come to an end or have it broken up due to a fight. Its an absolutely amazing phenomenon that has transcended various generations of Indians, and to this day the fighting continues. The reason I call it a phenomenon is because generally speaking, Indians probably have the worst genetic make up when it comes to fighting. Unless we were gonna start swinging stethescopes, or using our moustaches as swords, I think we're pretty useless. Of course, the fighting is not caused by some deeply universal cause, but rather something even more profound.
For example, the following conversation may cause a fight:
Raj: Yo, kid what you gonna wear to the party tonight?
Jay: I was thinking about rocking my new Express shirt
Raj: Oh word, that's cool.
Then both Raj and Jay show up to the party.
Jay: What the fuck bro! I told you I was rockin my new Express shirt and you still wore the same one. That's fucked up shit son. You don't do that to your boy!
Raj: Oh yeah....what you gonna do about you skinny ass punk?
Jay: I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it.
At this point, Jay instead of being a man and taking on Raj, will pull out his cell phone and call 10 of his buddies. "Fellas, we got a code red! Raj, that punk ass is wearing the same shirt as me, I need you guys here right away. He goes down tonight".
Jay: Raj, you know what I shouldn't have over reacted
Raj: That's right, you better know who your talking to
BAM! WHACK!
Just then Raj gets hit over the head with a beer bottle, and 10 of Jay's friends start punching and kicking him, and take the poor guy down. This will undoubtedly lead to Raj getting Jay the same way at the next party, and fighting continues. Yes, Mahatma Gandhi would be so proud.
What makes the whole thing even more intriguing is that living in the 6-degrees-of-seperation culture we live in, Raj will probably end up marrying Jay's cousin. That's when things get really interesting. For example, to keep the feud going Jay may not invite Raj to the family barbecue, or worst he may invite him and make him drink Kingfisher while the rest of the family gets to enjoy Johnny Walker Black.
All I'm saying, is that aren't we missing the point here? The real culprit is Express for making more than one kind of the same exact shirt - those bastards! However, I can't blame Express for the stupidity that is "Young Indian Man", but I bet if I researched it a little better I'd find the same situations exist in most cultures.
For example, the following conversation may cause a fight:
Raj: Yo, kid what you gonna wear to the party tonight?
Jay: I was thinking about rocking my new Express shirt
Raj: Oh word, that's cool.
Then both Raj and Jay show up to the party.
Jay: What the fuck bro! I told you I was rockin my new Express shirt and you still wore the same one. That's fucked up shit son. You don't do that to your boy!
Raj: Oh yeah....what you gonna do about you skinny ass punk?
Jay: I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it.
At this point, Jay instead of being a man and taking on Raj, will pull out his cell phone and call 10 of his buddies. "Fellas, we got a code red! Raj, that punk ass is wearing the same shirt as me, I need you guys here right away. He goes down tonight".
Jay: Raj, you know what I shouldn't have over reacted
Raj: That's right, you better know who your talking to
BAM! WHACK!
Just then Raj gets hit over the head with a beer bottle, and 10 of Jay's friends start punching and kicking him, and take the poor guy down. This will undoubtedly lead to Raj getting Jay the same way at the next party, and fighting continues. Yes, Mahatma Gandhi would be so proud.
What makes the whole thing even more intriguing is that living in the 6-degrees-of-seperation culture we live in, Raj will probably end up marrying Jay's cousin. That's when things get really interesting. For example, to keep the feud going Jay may not invite Raj to the family barbecue, or worst he may invite him and make him drink Kingfisher while the rest of the family gets to enjoy Johnny Walker Black.
All I'm saying, is that aren't we missing the point here? The real culprit is Express for making more than one kind of the same exact shirt - those bastards! However, I can't blame Express for the stupidity that is "Young Indian Man", but I bet if I researched it a little better I'd find the same situations exist in most cultures.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
BIO DATA
"BIO DATA." If your an Indian these are 2 of the most scariest words you'll ever hear. It officially signifies that your youth has passed, your still single, and your parents are tired of hearing questions about why your not married yet. For those of you who may not know, Indian parents have 2 great fears. 1 - their child is gay, 2 - there child will remain single after the age of 30. As far as being gay is concerned, its just not allowed. However, if it happens, there is little the parents can do about it. As for the latter, Indian parents have developed an intricate "laissez-faire" system to do everything in their power to get their child married off before the age of 30.
Its quite simple the way it works. During the life of their child they will not permit their children to date, and make them focus on "studies". Then when their child is socially retarded and sent off to college, they will hope the child finds their significant other there. When this does not happen, they panic, and around the age of 26 or 27 if the child is still single they will ask the child to make a Bio Data, or a resume of themselves which they can show other people.
A typical Bio Data contains factual information, as well as astrological information. It typically accompanies a picture of you and looks something like this:
Name: Mr. or Mrs. Patel
Date of Birth: This is very important for Astrological reasons
Height / Wt.: this is usually a lie.
Skin Complexion: for example fair, wheatish, or ashy
Religion: Your either a Hindu, Hindu, or Hindu
Caste: this one can be a deal breaker. Believe it or not, but this one is sometimes also mentioned with information such as the type of Patel you are.
Address: both here, as well as the home in India from which your family has migrated. This is just so we can see if there's anybody that talks smack about you in the motha-land.
Education: this is usually important for the parents
Occupation: I try to write something classy here such as "Part-time pimp/full-time Playaaa", however this one field alone determines your real value in the market.
Hobbies / interests: usually cooking, or traveling
Father's Name:
Mother's Name:
Brother/Sister (s): Their marital status is also listed here
Once this done, these "pimp vouchers" are then traded like stock by parents in the global meat market of 20-something-year old Indians around the world.
What's interesting is the emphasis put on education. You can look like a toe, and be a doctor and the phone will ring off the hook. The ideal catch is a doctor which meets your astrological criteria, and is the right kind of Patel (no pressure here). High honors is also given to Pharmacists, and lawyers. Anything involving IT represents job-security but not a fat bank roll, so parents will usually settle for this, and won't make a big fuss about it.
Although this technique has worked quite well in the past, I've noticed now that its not really doing much. More and more 2nd generation people are growing up and not wanting to get married, and more and more parents are getting disgruntled and having ulcers as a result of this. The new age parents, try to encourage their kids to set themselves up on websites such as http://www.shaadi.com/ which to me seems to be the on-line trading of the pimp-vouchers and the meat market they represent. I truly believe we are getting closer to a day when people will actually be able to trade options on these bio-datas.
As an Indian whose grown up in America this concept is quite foreign, and sounds somewhat insane. However, you can't argue with the results and the numbers. This system, although not perfect has produced many happy unions. I'm now related to several people who have found their match in this meat-market.
Its quite simple the way it works. During the life of their child they will not permit their children to date, and make them focus on "studies". Then when their child is socially retarded and sent off to college, they will hope the child finds their significant other there. When this does not happen, they panic, and around the age of 26 or 27 if the child is still single they will ask the child to make a Bio Data, or a resume of themselves which they can show other people.
A typical Bio Data contains factual information, as well as astrological information. It typically accompanies a picture of you and looks something like this:
Name: Mr. or Mrs. Patel
Date of Birth: This is very important for Astrological reasons
Height / Wt.: this is usually a lie.
Skin Complexion: for example fair, wheatish, or ashy
Religion: Your either a Hindu, Hindu, or Hindu
Caste: this one can be a deal breaker. Believe it or not, but this one is sometimes also mentioned with information such as the type of Patel you are.
Address: both here, as well as the home in India from which your family has migrated. This is just so we can see if there's anybody that talks smack about you in the motha-land.
Education: this is usually important for the parents
Occupation: I try to write something classy here such as "Part-time pimp/full-time Playaaa", however this one field alone determines your real value in the market.
Hobbies / interests: usually cooking, or traveling
Father's Name:
Mother's Name:
Brother/Sister (s): Their marital status is also listed here
Once this done, these "pimp vouchers" are then traded like stock by parents in the global meat market of 20-something-year old Indians around the world.
What's interesting is the emphasis put on education. You can look like a toe, and be a doctor and the phone will ring off the hook. The ideal catch is a doctor which meets your astrological criteria, and is the right kind of Patel (no pressure here). High honors is also given to Pharmacists, and lawyers. Anything involving IT represents job-security but not a fat bank roll, so parents will usually settle for this, and won't make a big fuss about it.
Although this technique has worked quite well in the past, I've noticed now that its not really doing much. More and more 2nd generation people are growing up and not wanting to get married, and more and more parents are getting disgruntled and having ulcers as a result of this. The new age parents, try to encourage their kids to set themselves up on websites such as http://www.shaadi.com/ which to me seems to be the on-line trading of the pimp-vouchers and the meat market they represent. I truly believe we are getting closer to a day when people will actually be able to trade options on these bio-datas.
As an Indian whose grown up in America this concept is quite foreign, and sounds somewhat insane. However, you can't argue with the results and the numbers. This system, although not perfect has produced many happy unions. I'm now related to several people who have found their match in this meat-market.
Monday, June 9, 2008
On-line Dating
So recently more and more people I know have turned to on-line dating. It seems to be a popular trend that is now infiltrating the Indian culture of America. For many Indians this is new and unexplored territory. For many of us we had limited options to find our soulmates -
1. Meet them in high school / college & date them for many many years and then marry them
2. Meet them in temple and date them for many many years and then marry them
3. Meet them thru parents, and date them for 48 hours and marry them
Finally, the most common
4. Aimlessly wander about at night clubs and bars until in that fateful moment you puke on your beloved's shoes, and decide that they will be yours for the rest of your days. You date them for a few months and rush into something completely unprepared.
But now, everything's changed. On-line dating has come and changed the whole game up. You can totally be yourself and post an air-brushed picture of you with the right light and trick people into thinking you really do look like a movie star first thing in the morning. You can share your hobbies such as cooking (however, I find it odd that no one enjoys cleaning). You can tell people how your fun-loving, and have a sense of humor - but only if its you making the joke.
All in all, I'd say on-line dating is a good thing for the Indian community and the world in general. I think it does everyone a favor because now people can be who they want to be instead of who they actually are.
1. Meet them in high school / college & date them for many many years and then marry them
2. Meet them in temple and date them for many many years and then marry them
3. Meet them thru parents, and date them for 48 hours and marry them
Finally, the most common
4. Aimlessly wander about at night clubs and bars until in that fateful moment you puke on your beloved's shoes, and decide that they will be yours for the rest of your days. You date them for a few months and rush into something completely unprepared.
But now, everything's changed. On-line dating has come and changed the whole game up. You can totally be yourself and post an air-brushed picture of you with the right light and trick people into thinking you really do look like a movie star first thing in the morning. You can share your hobbies such as cooking (however, I find it odd that no one enjoys cleaning). You can tell people how your fun-loving, and have a sense of humor - but only if its you making the joke.
All in all, I'd say on-line dating is a good thing for the Indian community and the world in general. I think it does everyone a favor because now people can be who they want to be instead of who they actually are.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Desi Parties
Aaaah yes, the Desi Party. Where you wait in line, till your hands go numb, and hope to grind on a drunk Indian girl before her friends spot you and pull you away. I feel in today's day and age the desi party is almost a right of passage of Indian College Students in America. This right of passage is present everywhere, however, in the NY/NJ area it is very prevalent. For those of you who may not know, "Desi" is a slang term for Indian, and a "Desi" party is one that is predominantly Indian. The DJ is Indian, the attendees are Indian, however the bouncer is always Black (usually a big dude).
I remember my first Desi Party like it was yesterday. I was too cheap to pay for the coat check so I waited in line without a coat on a January night in New York. The bouncer kept yelling at people to form a line, and being that everyone was Indian, nobody could understand this concept. There was always 1 or 2 Indian guys with cell phones or walkie talkies going in and out of the place like they were important and there were always hords of idiots trying to tell them that they are important and worthy of entry. "Bro, I'm Samir's girlfriend's brother. he didn't tell you I was coming?" Retarded phrases such as these fill the air, and undoubtedly result in the Indian with the walkie talkie telling the Bouncer "I don't know him. Unless he's got like 6 girls with him, he doesn't get in". Of course, by doing this he was only teasing the poor bastard.
My favorite part of Desi Parties is all the planning involved. First you lookup the party (http://www.desiparty.com/), then you find out who is going. As a guy, the critical thing was to always try to roll with girls, so you didn't look like a loser. You finally decide on a place to pre-game and off you go. The doors open at 10 PM but because your Desi - just to be safe you show up at 9, and the line is already half way down the block. You wait, and wait, and finally the group in front of you gets in. Just when you begin to give up hope you hear those magical words "Let me see your ID please". With shivering hands you give the bouncer your id, and get your ticket. At this point you've never been so glad to pay $20 to walk into a place. Finally, you step foot inside the club and out of the cold, and its a huge family re-union.
Off to the bar you go! Some SoCo and Lime shots are downed (manly enough, and weak enough for the Indian tolerance). The music is always pretty good, and you like a gazelle in the wild you look for your prey. An Indian girl who happen to be dancing by herself. You soon realize this is not the case, and they only travel in packs. So then you chug your drink, and go behind an unsuspecting lady with your liquid confidence. Slowly you approach her. She's not looking and neither are her friends. You make your move! You rush behind her before any other guy can and start violently banging your crotch against her behind in hopes of serenading her. She turns around and gives you a sign that you may continue. Your in! You'v e captured your prey. Your feeling victorious. Just before you let out the Johnny Drama Victory yell, you've been spotted by her friend. She does the unthinkable. She grabs the girl away from you and leaves you by yourself.
In conclusion, this cycle is repeated many times. Each time your dissed the number of shots taken increases. Then in order to hold your head up high the Dj plays Bhangra and you find your boys and dance as if that was what you went for in the first place.
I remember my first Desi Party like it was yesterday. I was too cheap to pay for the coat check so I waited in line without a coat on a January night in New York. The bouncer kept yelling at people to form a line, and being that everyone was Indian, nobody could understand this concept. There was always 1 or 2 Indian guys with cell phones or walkie talkies going in and out of the place like they were important and there were always hords of idiots trying to tell them that they are important and worthy of entry. "Bro, I'm Samir's girlfriend's brother. he didn't tell you I was coming?" Retarded phrases such as these fill the air, and undoubtedly result in the Indian with the walkie talkie telling the Bouncer "I don't know him. Unless he's got like 6 girls with him, he doesn't get in". Of course, by doing this he was only teasing the poor bastard.
My favorite part of Desi Parties is all the planning involved. First you lookup the party (http://www.desiparty.com/), then you find out who is going. As a guy, the critical thing was to always try to roll with girls, so you didn't look like a loser. You finally decide on a place to pre-game and off you go. The doors open at 10 PM but because your Desi - just to be safe you show up at 9, and the line is already half way down the block. You wait, and wait, and finally the group in front of you gets in. Just when you begin to give up hope you hear those magical words "Let me see your ID please". With shivering hands you give the bouncer your id, and get your ticket. At this point you've never been so glad to pay $20 to walk into a place. Finally, you step foot inside the club and out of the cold, and its a huge family re-union.
Off to the bar you go! Some SoCo and Lime shots are downed (manly enough, and weak enough for the Indian tolerance). The music is always pretty good, and you like a gazelle in the wild you look for your prey. An Indian girl who happen to be dancing by herself. You soon realize this is not the case, and they only travel in packs. So then you chug your drink, and go behind an unsuspecting lady with your liquid confidence. Slowly you approach her. She's not looking and neither are her friends. You make your move! You rush behind her before any other guy can and start violently banging your crotch against her behind in hopes of serenading her. She turns around and gives you a sign that you may continue. Your in! You'v e captured your prey. Your feeling victorious. Just before you let out the Johnny Drama Victory yell, you've been spotted by her friend. She does the unthinkable. She grabs the girl away from you and leaves you by yourself.
In conclusion, this cycle is repeated many times. Each time your dissed the number of shots taken increases. Then in order to hold your head up high the Dj plays Bhangra and you find your boys and dance as if that was what you went for in the first place.
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