The Stank Profile

I've come to the conclusion that although we are all unique as humans, as cultures we have several traits that help identify us and provide a common thread for people of a certain background, creed, or location. I am not a racist, or any kind of ..-cist, however I've realized that different people have different odors...which I like to call the Stank Profile.

Where did this genius revelation come from you might ask? Well, it happened yesterday evening when I was at the Ft. Lauderdale airport Chili's restaurant grabbing a bite to eat waiting for my flight to arrive. I was eating my chips, and blackbean burger, when out of no where a gentleman comes next to me and asks if the seat next to me at the bar was available. It was so I said "Its all yours". I then returned to take another bite into my veggie heaven sandwhiched between to pieces of bread with just the right amount of hot sauce, and it happened. A nauseating odor had infiltrated my nostrils. It was highly repulsive yet familiar. Then I realized, I recognized this odor from the gym. It was the stank of an African-American man-sweat (my buddy that used to spot me at the gym, stank like this all the time after some cardio).

In that instant, not only did I abandon my meal, pay my bill, and get out of there, I also realized that we as humans have a stank profile. This is the general profile of odor we emit when our deoderants and anti-perspirants have failed us. I've narrowed them down to the following:

Indians - A combination of paprika, lemon juice, & diarrhea

Blacks (by this I mean those from the islands as well as Africa...I don't mean this in a racist way) - a combination of sweat, rotten lettuce, & stale beer

Whites (non-Jewish) - a combination of burnt hot dogs, puke, and olives

Whites (Jewish) - a combination of spoiled cabbage, wet hair, and mayonnaise

Hispanic - a combination of refried-bean-fart, jalapenos, & Taco Bell meat

Oriental - a combination of burnt-oil, cough syrup, and onions

I hope I did not offend anyone by this, I was hoping to offend everyone equally. Actually, if your honest with yourself, you may even find some truth in these observations.

Disrespect

If you've ever been to an Indian party there is a pretty good chance you've seen a fight break out. I'm also willing to bet my left nut that during the mele you heard at least at one point (or several) one of the people involved saying one of the following:

1. "You don't disrespect me!"

2. "Do you know who I am?"

3. "You don't know who your messin with!"

and my favorite

4. "I will kill you!"

I've been to way too many Indian parties in my lifetime, and I've seen way too many fights, and for some reason the main reason why all the fights seem to start is because one dude "disrespected" another dude. For some reason, it seems that us Indian guys are now full of so much respect that when someone disrespects us its worthy of throwing our reputation and pride as hard as our punches.

However, I'm willing to bet that there are certain actions that may have caused these bouts of "disrespect". What I find amazing is that although certain times a push or a shove is a clear sign of disrespect, I don't understand all the other reasons why us Indian guys feel disrespected. I've once heard the following conversation:

Indian dude #1: "I'm gonna knock that bastard's teeth out. I'm gonna kill him"
Indian dude #2: "What happened? What did he do?"
Indian dude #1: "You didn't see the way he looked at me bro? Messed up. He's gonna get it"

At this point Indian Dude #1 usually calls up 10 of his "friends" for a fair fight of course. As it turns out, the other guy had a severe case of allergies, and had just finished rubbing his eyes. While he was trying to re-adjust his focus, he squinted. Unfortunately for him, he squinted at the wrong guy.

I just don't get it. When Gandhi and his people were getting shot by the British they chose non-violence to win and get what they want. Several generations later, we are bickering over inadvertent glances. The other thing I find hilarious is that if you've ever seen a fight between two Indian guys, each one claims to be completely innocent. "I was just dancing with his sister and trying to grope her, and he started acting all crazy. I don't get it. Then he disrespected me." All I"m saying is that if your young and stupid, fighting is a learning experience, and hopefully humbling. If your out of college and have a career, fighting should be treated like Hugh Hefner treats a marriage. It should just be avoided.

However, if your an opportunist like I am, fights are a great way to meet women. She's pissed at her man for embarrasing her, and feeling lonely. Its like fishing with a shotgun. But do be careful, because the man getting his ass beat by the bouncer might feel disrespected.

The Sex Scholarship

We live in a capitalist society. If you can sell something and get ahead, by all means go for it. If you don't, someone else will. Its very simple, and it all goes back to supply and demand. The one thing that will ALWAYS be in demand is sex. Coincidentally, the supply will never be enough. Over the years, people have tried to take advantage of this economic opportunity, but were rejected and unfairly labeled as "prostitutes". However, today is a new day. Ms. Natalie Dylan found the loophole to make it all work.

After years of not allowing this kind of thing to occur, according to this article Natalie will be auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder, so she can pay her way to a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy! That's right, if your marriage is on the rocks one day you'll be able to discuss it with the lady that sold her virginity to the highest bidder. The funny thing about marriage counselors, is that they all seem to give so much advice, yet none of them seem to be married. This is a woman who clearly has her head in the right place. No, I'm not talking in between a man's legs, but rather in between a man's wallet and his pride. She has a bachelor's degree in women's' studies and wants to pursue her education and become a greater asset to society by learning how to help troubled marriages overcome their problems. First of all, what the hell is women's studies? I happen to study a woman every time I see one, but I don't get a degree for it (rather, I get a yes or no response from my loins).

In any case, poor Natalie had a hard time being able to hold this auction. She got turned down by ebay (you know, since their not doing these kinds of auctions any more, but kidneys are okay to sell off). So the Nevada brothel, The Moonlight Bunny Ranch stepped up to the plate. They figured since her sister is already an employee they will take a smaller percentage of the cut. You have to love the fact that a woman, whose sister is a an employee at a brothel, and who herself is auctioning off her virginity may some day be telling you why your marriage is on the rocks. Only in America! Her mother, who is a 4th grade teacher is not satisfied with her daughter's actions. However, the same mother is not dropping a dollar for the master's degree her daughter is seeking either (talk about going 0 for 2). In this process, Natalie has become quite famous. If she plays her cards right she can probably parlay this into a book deal, and then not even have to worry about working. She has been interviewed by several television stations and magazines. Now, I think everyone is just hoping that the ugliest, wart-filled, man in America is the winner and can't wait to see if she goes through with it.

Conclude what you will, but I think this woman is doing what any woman in her position (and IQ level) would do. She's selling the one thing that's god-given to her. I mean, I'm willing to bet her sister told her "Sis, don't worry about it. It may hurt a lil bit in the beginning, but after that its all good. Just look at me. I loved it so much, that I can't get enough!". After heeding these words, she decided that the first thrust would be the dearest. Several people have commented about how wrong this is, and how America has no future since a young woman can get away with this. However, I disagree. I think this is the future, and you better start to embrace it. Otherwise, you'll be going to a woman who sold her virginity for marriage advice.

Oh, These Bonds of Lust!

Vivek was so excited. He had finally met a girl that captured his attention for more than the moments in which their lips were locked. She seemed to be interesting, and goofy, and best of all she was great in the sack. He was quite excited about this promising new relationship. The beginning of any relationship is always awesome because you find out new things you have in common with someone who was once a stranger. You learn that you have similar experiences, and you have stories that make each other laugh. Vivek was living this reality, and couldn't have been happier.

However, as in all walks of life, even relationships come across their hickups. You have to make certain decisions which are quite important. You have to step away from the fun roller coaster ride that is the beginning, and think about who you are as a person first, and whether or not this new person is a compliment to that. Vivek, sat long and hard. He pondered about who he was. He realized that he was a fun-loving chap, who enjoyed sports, comedy, and good movies as well as a stiff drink, and this girl seemed to be the same way. He knew he was the kind of guy that gave 100% to everything he did, and expected it in return from others. He also knew, in his heart of hearts that he was not the most innocent man walking the Earth. He knew that he had his way with a variety of women, and knew this woman was also not the most innocent. They had "the talk", where they talked about their pasts, and past relationships. They knew that each of them had their fare share of sexual journeys and exploits, and they were okay with it, or so he thought.

It was a quiet summer evening, when one of Vivek's buddy's decided to invite everyone over for a barbecue and a few brews. Mostly, it was everyone from college, and some of Vivek's cousins as well. They were all catching up since it had been a while before they had seen each other last. "So what's new with you bro? Whose pants you trying to get into these days?" asked his friend John. "Nothin much man, just working" he responded. "Yeah, I hear that bro. So any new targets in your life?" That's always what John referred to women as. Vivek, went ahead and explained to his friend John that he was talking to this the new lady. He explained how they met at a bar, and how he likes her with a bit of pride in his voice. John's response caused Vivek's heart to skip a beat, and formed an apple size lump in the back of his throat.

"You serious?" John asked. You really like her?" Vivek responded that he did. "So, what does Adhitya taste like?" he asked. Vivek was completely confused, and scared. John had gone on to explain that the girl Vivek was seeing had in fact hooked up with a guy, who had in fact hooked up with Vivek's gay frat brother Adhitya. Before John even finished the explanation, Vivek knew the ending. He washed out his mouth with Listerine, and then tried to wash out his mind with large shots of Jack Daniels. Although Vivek got hammered that day at the barbecue, he did realize that no matter how much he drank he wasn't going to change the past, so he decided to embrace the future. He continued to see the girl, and soon realized that these "bonds of lust" will be ever entangled, and sometimes even disgusting.

The East Has Embraced The West

Mahatma Ghandi worked incredibly hard to promote non-violence as a peaceful solution to bring change. Jerry Springer, not so much. Although Jerry's end-of-show Monologues are quite moving and philosophical, if you've ever seen his show, you quickly realize that the moral standards end there. Fast forward to 2008. An Indian Game Show called Dadagiri, which is supposedly India's attempt at Fear Factor according to this article had an episode that would make Jerry Springer pop a Masala Boner!

If you check out the clip in that article, you will realize that we Indians have officially embraced the one element of Westerm culture that we were hesitant to jump on. That's right folks! We have now gone down the twisted roads of Reality TV and people with no shame, and called it "Dadagiri" (which in my language means being a wise ass). In this clip, there is a tall, good looking woman who looks like she hasn't been laid in years. Apparently, one of the guy's says something to tick her off (probably somewhere along the lines of "damn girl, just because you ain't getting any doesn't mean you have to be such a bitch"), and she does what most woman who are unsatisfied, and pissed off tend to do when a man is around, she resorts to violence. She bitch-slaps him like he's a chump in the WWF wrestling league!

Not to be outdone, our suave superhero retaliates by slappin her back like he's a pimp and she didn't pay up! On top of that he yells the words "How can you slap!? How can you slap?" This particular moment in Indian TV, pretty much exemplifies the problem with Indian dudes. We act in the heat of the moment, assume we are right, and after we've slapped the shit out of somene we ask how they had the nerve to do it to us! You gotta love it. Of course, like most Indian dudes who act this way, the guy gets his ass kicked, and eventually everyone ends up knowing about it.

When I was growing up my old-school Indian parents always liked to highlight how Indian culture was more "civilized" than the western culture. They would always associate excess/irresponsibility with the West, and control/discipline with the East. I think its safe to say that times have changed, and my parents are probably glad that their son is not on TV slapping any women. My personal theory, is that Indians always had it in them to be degenerates and irresponsible, but just didn't have a means of living that allowed for it. I mean you can't be a lazy bum and a farmer at the same time. However, with economical success, comes stupidity. A smart person once told me that "if you want an idea to be succesful make sure its either the smartest idea in the world, or the stupidest, those are the only ones that seem to be succesful". Clearly Dadagiri is a case for the latter.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

So I recently came across this article written by Tony Dokoupil for Newsweek where he talks about the "problem" of 20-something year old guys who refuse to grow up. He explains "Today's guys are perhaps the first downwardly mobile—and endlessly adolescent—generation of men in U.S. history". He interviewed about 400 white, male, college-educated guys and has found that what was once a "regressive weekend" has turned into a "decade-long odyssey". He calls it "Guyland" where the happy hours never end, and the party never stops. He's talked to guys who don't even remember the names of the women they've slept with let alone the number (this guy's nickname is Biff). However, all is not well in "Guyland". As the author goes on to discover that he did in fact find some 20-something year olds still living at home, and others who make up fake business cards to attract the ladies so they won't ridicule them for what they really are (in this case a coupon book salesman). Its an interesting article which goes on to explain basically that he's better than his 20-something counterparts because he is getting married at the age of 27, and claims that the experience he has with his soon-to-be wife is better than any party in "Guyland".

All I would like to say to this is Touche! Good work buddy! Nice going Captain Obvious! Bravo, really. I mean you don't have to be a genius to look around and find that more and more clubs/bars are crowded and places that were once empty are now packed, and you can't get in. However, I would like to question this authors research. Did he ever wonder why an entire generation of people decided to just kick back and party instead of stressing out? Well, here's an adventurous guess. I"m willing to bet that that a good majority of these white males, who are college educated, come from divorced families. I'm also willing to bet that they saw their fathers put up with mommy's crap for way too long and saw the jovial kid in them whither away. I'm also gonna guess that these same kids grew up with an attitude of "Not me, no way, no how am I letting a woman do that to me".

Let me tell you something about Guyland my friend. Its fricken awesome! Yes, its true the happy hours don't end, and yes its true the scene with the women can sometimes be a merry-go-round, but you know what? Its fun as hell! I mean, you look at so many of these "succesful" older people who settled down in their mid-20's, got married, and started a family, and what do they tell you? "When I was your age I would've...." and quite frankly I think this generation is not one for the shoulda, coulda, and woulda. I think its good that guys in their 20's are sowing their wild oats before taking on the responsibility of family and life. Your youth is not something you will ever get back, so you might as well enjoy it. What's the point of marrying the first woman you date in your life, if every day after your going to be wondering about someone else. Don't get me wrong, some idiots will never change. I'm convinced no matter how old I am, I will always have the one friend that is up to no good, and will try to convince me to steal someone's underwear in the retirement home, and for that buddy I am eternally grateful. Like a good martini, life should be savored, enjoyed, and be strong enough to get you buzzed.

Its interesting that a magazine like Newsweek had someone investigate this, but I think they should also report both sides of the issue. I mean, a one-night stand never killed nobody (just ask Biff). I do wonder though what the older generation of people in this world think of the 20-somethings. I mean I happen to be a 20-something, and I wouldn't say I've accomplished all of life's goals, but you better believe I've got some experiences that I won't trade for all of King Midas's Gold. This is the same generation that brought social networking websites and made billionaires out of kids, and its the generation that grew up taking risks our parents wouldn't have dreamed of taking.

In any case, what I'd be more interested in is reading this guy's article 10 years later. I sincerely hope he has a happy marriage, and a great life, but I would also tell him that just because your wandering, it doesn't mean your lost.

Shop 'Til You Drop

If you've ever been long enough with a girl, there is a good chance that she has asked you to go shopping with her. Some girls are quicker with their decision than others, but with any girl when you are shopping with her, it is an exercise of patience. You can't rush, you can't instigate, and you can never ever say "Are you finished?" You must assume the position. The position is, put on some comfortable sneakers, stick your arm out, and get ready to hold the purse while she puts on some outfits. The whole time, you will be receiving permiscuous looks from the other girls in the store because they see you are taken, and are all of a sudden worth a dirty smile or a jaded glance.

The easiest way to find a person who is in a store with his girlfriend is by the look of his face. Usually he has found a seat on the couch in the middle of the floor which is no where near anything. He has the look of defeat on his face, and his body language is simply sad. It doesn't matter what his nationality is, he simply looks like a lion that used to be full of energy and wild, and has now been caged by Macy's.

Therefore, to help guys out all over the world, the Indian Guy has the following suggestion for retailers of women's clothing:

1. Add a Sports Bar where all the boyfriends can hang out
2. Add a pole to all the dressing rooms, so guys can see what their girlfriends look like in the new underwear dancing.
3. Have a pole outside the dressing room, if any of the girls want to make a quick buck
4. Have an arcade
5. Setup a Texas Hold Em table so the guys can win some money to pay for the girlfriend's clothing.
6. Make the cash registers as close to the exit as possible to avoid any last minute "Oh, I didn't see this top earlier, I think its cute" decisions.
7. Have the people working the changing rooms hold the purses

I think the addition of these few little changes can make the experience more enjoyable for men all over. When a guy is at forever 21, and he sees another guy, he gives that look. The look that says "Oh you just got here? Been here for 45 minutes, and all she's picked out is this one top. We still haven't started the other sections. But I'm sure you'll have fun......SUCKER!"