The Downfall of India - 2 minutes

I recently spent a few weeks in India, and have spent my whole life being surrounded by Indians. There are many things this culture has to offer and there are many things to learn. In the past decade or so, India has really grown by leaps and bounds to come to the forefront of economic and business growth. There are so many wonderful things happening in India right now. For example, there is actually a legitimate space program to get Indian Astronauts on the moon. All this is creating tremendous opportunity for Indians. I also happen to work for an Indian Pharma company. Pharma companies have really taken off over the last few years with the accessibility to generic drugs.



All these wonderful things are happening, and India will never become a superpower. India will have a tremendous downfall from grace and it will not be pretty. There is one thing I've observed about Indians that is universal, and it is a key flaw to who we are. No matter where in the world you go, you will find Indians, and I guarantee they will have this flaw. They cannot get rid of it because I'm convinced it is genetically encoded into their bodies. Whether they are old or young, smart or stupid, rich or poor they all have this horrible flaw, and it is this flaw that will keep businesses from prospering, communities from organizing, politics from ruling, and sex from happening.



What is the flaw you ask? Well, the flaw is very simply the words "two minutes". After spending 3 weeks in India I probably heard the words "two minutes" at least a hundred times a day and it freakin drove me nuts! These two words are the kiss of death for success among Indians and for India as a nation. It is because of these two damn words, nothing will ever get completed, and procrastination will always be prevalent in Indian society.



How can this be? What do these words have to do with anything? To an ordinary observer these two words are simple, and even innocent. However, to anyone who has ever had to rely on an Indian to do anything on time, they've undoubtedly been told that whatever it is they want will get done in "two minutes". The truth is, its never just "two minutes". Its usually twenty freakin minutes, or tomorrow, or never!



Let me give you some examples:



Patient: Doctor, when will the results be available?

Indian Doctor: Two minutes

- 8 days later the patient is dead from a heart attack because the doctor procrastinated



IT Manager: When will the database be ready?

Indian IT guy: 2 minutes

- The company goes out of business because when the guy said "two minutes" he actually meant I'm going to forget to do what you asked me to, and the company will be in a mess



Indian guy (going on a date): Hey I'm downstairs, are you ready?

Indian girl (going on a date): I will be downstairs in two minutes

- In reality she is still getting in the shower. The Indian guy will wait, and wait, and wait some more. Eventually she will come outside, and the guy will have died from carbon monoxide poisoning.



Indian father: Son, did you send out my application to get a passport so I can come to America?

Indian Son: Dad, I'll do it in two minutes, I'm busy right now

- The father will not get his passport, and he will have to illegally sneak into the country and work at Dunkin Donuts for the rest of his life.



Indian Husband: Sweetheart, I just took some Viagara, when are you coming out of the bathroom?

Indian Wife: I'm just fixing my hair, I'll be out in two minutes

Indian Husband: Who cares about your hair! I'm good to go!

Indian Wife: I want to look pretty for you.

- In reality, the guy will have watched anything on Cinemax, did what he had to do, and by the time the "two minutes" have passed the husband will be long asleep, preventing the birth of future generations.



Indian College guy1: Dude, are you ready? What's taking so long? We gotta get to this Desi party by 10 or else we won't get in

Indian College guy2: Dude, I just need 2 minutes.

- In reality collge guy number 2, is shaving his pubes, blow drying then waxing his hair, ironing his clothes, putting on his facial lotion, and then getting ready. By the time he gets out of the shower it will be 10:30 and the 2 poor bastards will end up spending the whole night looking good and waiting in line.



All I'm saying, is don't ever use the words "two minutes". We all know what that means. It means I don't give a crap about you, and you can wait for me. They are two very dangerous words, and they will be the downfall of Indians all over. Indians cannot live without saying those words, and as a result anything and everything no matter how critical it is, will simply wait.

Stickin It To The Man

We live in tough times. The dollar is sinking, and cost of oil is sky-rocketing. Jobs are scarce, and those who have them should consider themselves lucky. Employers, seem to be able to do what they want when they want, and sometimes expose their employees to horrific injustices.

However, according to this article a noble few are standing up to these grave injustices. According to a recent survey pointed out in that article 39% of people surveyed between the age of 18-24 years of age would consider quitting their jobs if they banned access to Facebook. That's right these few, proud members of society have the courage to stand up for what's essential to career development and that is the ability to superpoke someone!

Although the author of the above mentioned article thinks this is ridiculous, I say to her "oh yeah, well what if someone is talking smack about me on their wall? Huh?!? Then what am I supposed to do?" At a loss for words? I thought so. Facebook is an essential part of our culture. Not only do we need to access from our work computer, but the corporate blackberry's should have the application there, so we can constantly update our status.

9 AM: "Raj just got to work"
9:30 AM: "Raj just got coffee"
10 AM: "Raj just noticed the receptionists boobs"
10:30 AM: "Raj is going to take his morning dump now"
11:30 AM: "Raj is back and relieved"
12 PM: "Raj is off to lunch"
1 PM: "Raj is feeling sleepy"
2 PM: "Raj just had an unexpected boner and had to sit at his cubicle til it passed and was late for the meeting"
3 PM: "The meeting was pointless, and Raj was assigned more work"
4 PM: "Raj just beat his bitch ass friend Sanjay in Scrabble on Facebook!"
5 PM: "Raj is checking out the happy hour"
5:01PM: "Raj thought about asking the cute receptionist to come, but then pretended he had a cough and kept walking"

Can't you see how these facebook status updates are not only useful to employers, but society in general? What is wrong with this lady? She just needs to get with the times. My guess is that she hasn't been superpoked in while or worst. Someone posted a picture of her without tagging her (gasp!), I can't even think of the horror.

Women, Chocolate, Sex and the Truth

I happen to be related to a woman who is absolutely addicted to chocolate. When she talks about chocolate here eyes get bigger and wider, and her descriptions become more passionate. However, I find that she is not alone in this. Chocolate seems to have quite an effect on women. An effect that men will never understand, or appreciate.



Through various lessons in life, I've concluded that women appreciate chocolate a lot. If I had to pick a list of top 5 things women appreciate in this world it would probably go as follows:

1. Tampons

2. Chocolate


3. Sex and the City


4. Brad Pitt


5. Their favorite hair dresser

Somewhere between tampons and Sex and the City is where women rate the importance of chocolate in their existence. That's right if you are a man, and not Brad Pitt, odds are women probably don't care much for you. In fact their attraction to chocolate is so strong that according to this article it directly impacts their sex drive. According to them "Women who have a daily intake of chocolate showed higher levels of desire than women who did not have this habit."

Are you freakin kidding me?!? All this time, I've been trying to figure out how to get women, and pick up hot ladies, and all I had to do was bring chocolate! If this was the case how come no one bottled the scent and made a cologne out of this? Just think about it. The commercial could be hilarious. An unlucky dude gets rejected by a bunch of women. He then sprays on some "Chocolate" - by Ralph Lauren and the women come flocking to him. However, I can see how this would not work, since after licking the dude's neck, most women would realize it is a dude and not a Lindt truffle, and would soon dismiss him.

Anyhow, although I never will understand how important chocolate is to women, I guess the only real correlation I can think of from a guy's perspective is the importance of porn to a man. Porn like chocolate is a secretly desired vice that men are passionate about and intake in small doses on a daily basis. Just like a woman can probably describe her favorite truffle down to the last detail, a guy can probably describe his favorite porno down to the well....last detail. Just like women sneak off and "cheat" with a piece of chocolate in private, men do the same with their version of chocolate (sometimes that's her name). Most importantly just like chocolate increase a woman's desire for doing the dirty-dirty....well I think I made my point pretty clear with this one.

All in all, women will always have a special place in their hearts for chocolate, and knowing this men will always use this piece of information to get out of the dog house as often as they can.