If your Indian, your thankful for three things. Cricket, Aishwarya Rai, and the Kama Sutra. I would say in a nutshell, those three things help identify us. However, the one thing Indians can really hang their hat on, is the fact that while most major religions in the world tend to diminish the importance of sex, we praise it. In fact, we praise it so much, that to help the retarts that can't figure it out we made an instruction manual called the Kama Sutra. Now you may be wondering what does this have to do with anything? Well, I recently came across this article which goes on to explain the benefits of sex, and 5 good reasons to get your freak on today. Being the guy that I am, I thought I'd share these 5 reasons with you, and then share my own 5 reasons.
Their Reasons:
1. Sex boosts your immune system
They claim "A startling number of physicians are now recognizing how sexual and emotional health affect our entire well being". I'm guessing these were the dorks in Med school who couldn't get laid, and are now off getting busy with the hot Pharmaceutical Sales Reps and discovering this for the first time.
2. Sex burns calories
This may be true, but not if your on the bottom. According to them "A mere 30-minutes of sex burns 90 calories". I'm guessing they surveyed a senior citizen home if this is the case.
3. Sex relieves pain
"Orgasm is one serious narcotic!" They claim "sex can reduce pain, swelling, and inflammation associated with arthritis, headaches and menstrual cramps." I claim, that if you don't do it right, there is also a good chance that it can have the opposite effect.
4. Sex decreases aging
They say "“Use it or lose it” has never been more applicable. Regular sex releases a plethora of “happy” chemicals into your bloodstream, including testosterone." I say, cool.
5. Sex is great for depression
I can see the ad now, "Where does depression hurt?" There can be a guy pointing to his pecker saying, "Depression hurts here". Then a voiceover can tell you about how sex treats depression, and a long ass message that says "side effects may include an urge to cuddle, a need to smoke, funky yet seductive body odor, and birth".
Although these are good reasons, in the words of T-mobile, I've got "my-five":
1. Sex can help you get a promotion
There is no question you perform better at work when your less stressed, and more relaxed. If you don't believe me, hire a prostitute than start your next project and tell me if you don't see the difference in productivity and performance.
2. Sex can bring peace to the world
I'm thoroughly convinced that if all just started sexually experimenting with people from other cultures we'd find that we all have a lot more in common than not. I mean seriously, if we all just embraced the bodies of other cultures than I think we can definitely get over our differences because I'm pretty sure we'd find that when all is said and done, we like to get our freak on and that is something to build on.
3. Sex is good for your self confidence
Let's face it, being naked can sometimes be a nervous experience. However, if you've got someone else whose also naked (assuming most people take all their clothes off during sex), it can help you feel good about yourself. You may begin to wonder "Hey, I am the freakin man. Not only is she naked with me, but I get to violate her. Gee, I must be special".
4. Sex can make you a better poker player
Chris Rock once said "Just because I'm going, don't mean you made me go". I'll be honest, I've cleaned it up a bit, but the point is simple. Just because your having sex with one person, don't mean you can't pretend its someone else. In fact, engaging in this type of behaviour will really help out your poker game. You can make an honest face, and tell the other person they are amazing, and meanwhile you were thinking of Brad Pitt or Adriana Lima, and this can help you improve your poker face. Before you know it, your friends and lovers won't know the difference between your bluff when you go all in, or your bluff when your in the bedroom.
5. Sex can turn you into a model
If there is one thing about sex, its that during the act people make some odd ass faces. However, while these faces are being made they think they are sexy or cool or even provocative. Its kind of like the face my white friend Chris makes when dancing. However, there is a benefit to this. The more you have sex, the "cooler" your many looks and faces can become. Combine this with the rigorous cardio workout your having, and you may end up turning into a model who can make the run-way face and still look cool. However, just remember, practice makes perfect.
In general, if your still looking for reasons to have sex, than I suggest you get rid of your Nintendo Wii and join the rest of humanity.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Jealousy Factor
From what I've observed, it seems that in all relationships (relationships being a sexual one between a man & a woman), there exists a certain jealousy factor. I can't explain why, but it just seems that at any given moment in time, a certain amount of jealousy emanates from one of the parties, and in retaliation that party tries to overcompensate. Its very difficult to explain, but I think I'm onto something here. I find that this is a completely universal phenomenon, and has nothing to do with your background. If your a guy / girl and your in a relationship, I urge you to be mindful of the Jealousy Factor.
I find that we all go thru life trying out various different types of people. I call this process dating. To me, dating is like a wine tasting. You learn a lot about different wines, and at the same time you also learn what suits your particular palate. Over time, and experience, you are able to identify the type of wine that you like the most. Now, for every person, this process is different, and can often lead to a variety of encounters. However, for some reason, when we get into relationships, we feel the need to share the stories of our journey with our partner. Without question, this ALWAYS happens. For women, it might be a reason to hear the guy explain how everything was wrong until she was found, and for men, well it might be a telling sign of whether or not she will swallow. In any case, we all have our reasons to share.
In my observation, I find, that at some point in time one of the parties just can't handle it. At some point in time, a girl maybe telling her boyfriend "Oh yeah, in my last relationship we used all types of gadgets and toys in bed....", and the boyfriend will just lose it. Its pretty funny when this happens, because the boyfriend is clearly annoyed, yet he tries to play it off like nothing is happening. So what does he do? He will cut her off by saying something dumb, and completely untrue. "Baby, please. You don't even wanna know what I've done. I've been with a girl who used toys too okay!" At this point, the relationship will usually take a turn for the worst. But my favorite, is when the guy and girl are talking about all the things they've done in bed with other people. They will often ask questions like "have you tried this, or done that?". This usually goes on until, one of the parties yells "Mercy!!!" Well, not exactly. But usually either the guy / girl usually hears something that they are truly disgusted with and just blames the other person for being a weirdo or a freak and storms out.
I don't know why people do this, but it always happens. I guess, curiosity is a disease no one is immune to. As a result, we usually find ourselves in conversations we did not want to be in, and then to overcompensate we make up some ridiculous stories. In my observation, those who tend to keep the most quiet when hearing some "wild" story of their partner, are usually the wilder ones in the relationship. I find it absolutely hilarious, when one person says about their partner "Oh, I know him / her, they would never do anything like that", only to walk in on them tied to a bed with a leather mask and a whip waiting on the end table.
I guess all I'm trying to say, is that we all have our own journeys in life, and there is nothing wrong with any of them. Don't try to compare yours to someone else's and try to accept people for the whores that they were, and the loyal lovers they will be.
I find that we all go thru life trying out various different types of people. I call this process dating. To me, dating is like a wine tasting. You learn a lot about different wines, and at the same time you also learn what suits your particular palate. Over time, and experience, you are able to identify the type of wine that you like the most. Now, for every person, this process is different, and can often lead to a variety of encounters. However, for some reason, when we get into relationships, we feel the need to share the stories of our journey with our partner. Without question, this ALWAYS happens. For women, it might be a reason to hear the guy explain how everything was wrong until she was found, and for men, well it might be a telling sign of whether or not she will swallow. In any case, we all have our reasons to share.
In my observation, I find, that at some point in time one of the parties just can't handle it. At some point in time, a girl maybe telling her boyfriend "Oh yeah, in my last relationship we used all types of gadgets and toys in bed....", and the boyfriend will just lose it. Its pretty funny when this happens, because the boyfriend is clearly annoyed, yet he tries to play it off like nothing is happening. So what does he do? He will cut her off by saying something dumb, and completely untrue. "Baby, please. You don't even wanna know what I've done. I've been with a girl who used toys too okay!" At this point, the relationship will usually take a turn for the worst. But my favorite, is when the guy and girl are talking about all the things they've done in bed with other people. They will often ask questions like "have you tried this, or done that?". This usually goes on until, one of the parties yells "Mercy!!!" Well, not exactly. But usually either the guy / girl usually hears something that they are truly disgusted with and just blames the other person for being a weirdo or a freak and storms out.
I don't know why people do this, but it always happens. I guess, curiosity is a disease no one is immune to. As a result, we usually find ourselves in conversations we did not want to be in, and then to overcompensate we make up some ridiculous stories. In my observation, those who tend to keep the most quiet when hearing some "wild" story of their partner, are usually the wilder ones in the relationship. I find it absolutely hilarious, when one person says about their partner "Oh, I know him / her, they would never do anything like that", only to walk in on them tied to a bed with a leather mask and a whip waiting on the end table.
I guess all I'm trying to say, is that we all have our own journeys in life, and there is nothing wrong with any of them. Don't try to compare yours to someone else's and try to accept people for the whores that they were, and the loyal lovers they will be.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Orgy Etiquette
According to this article a Hilton employee in Minnesota walked in on an orgy happening in one of the ball rooms at the hotel, and reported it to HR. Unfortunately for her, she was violating what I like to call "Orgy Etiquette" which in this case is a serious enough violation for her to get fired, and rightly so. Seriously! Who does this lady think she is? Who the hell goes in and reports an orgy to HR!? I mean what is wrong with this world? An orgy is a sacred event that is to be cherished and treated like Fight Club. Its so nice to know that some companies actually have a HR department that has the balls to do the right thing.
The way I see it, orgies should have the same rules as fight club:
1st Rule: You do not talk about The Orgy
2nd Rule: You Do NOT talk about The Orgy
3rd Rule: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out the orgy is over
4th Rule: Only 2 guys to a woman
5th Rule: One orgy at a time
6th Rule: No shirts, No shoes
7th Rule: The orgy goes on as long as it has to
8th Rule: If this is your first time at The Orgy, you have to participate
According to this article the woman walked into a banquet hall, at the hotel she worked in and saw the upper management slippin, slidin, and sticking things all over the place. Being the retart that she is she goes and complains to HR. Eventually this leads her to get fired. Now, she is trying to sue Hilton - paaaaleease! Who you think you is lady?
Everyone knows that the proper response would've been for her to simply walk in and say "Listen up, who wants fresh meat?!" I don't know much, but I bet that she probably would've got a promotion instead of being fired if she did that. All I'm saying, is that times are tough and we you gotta use any opportunity you can get to promote yourself and get a "raise" (no pun intended)
The way I see it, orgies should have the same rules as fight club:
1st Rule: You do not talk about The Orgy
2nd Rule: You Do NOT talk about The Orgy
3rd Rule: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out the orgy is over
4th Rule: Only 2 guys to a woman
5th Rule: One orgy at a time
6th Rule: No shirts, No shoes
7th Rule: The orgy goes on as long as it has to
8th Rule: If this is your first time at The Orgy, you have to participate
According to this article the woman walked into a banquet hall, at the hotel she worked in and saw the upper management slippin, slidin, and sticking things all over the place. Being the retart that she is she goes and complains to HR. Eventually this leads her to get fired. Now, she is trying to sue Hilton - paaaaleease! Who you think you is lady?
Everyone knows that the proper response would've been for her to simply walk in and say "Listen up, who wants fresh meat?!" I don't know much, but I bet that she probably would've got a promotion instead of being fired if she did that. All I'm saying, is that times are tough and we you gotta use any opportunity you can get to promote yourself and get a "raise" (no pun intended)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Freak-Dar
When your 28 years old, and living on your own without being married, a 1 PM "breakfast" is not too uncommon on a Sunday. So like many other Sunday afternoons, I strolled out of bead after a chaotic night the prior evening trying to recollect my thoughts, and piece my night together. My morning started off with the same usual routine of getting up, looking at the time, going to sleep again, getting back up, and then moving to the living room, only to pass out on my couch again for a half hour. I put on some nice beats, and motivated myself to do the most essential of all human things - brush my teeth. After that I started getting ready for the day of football that lay ahead, and in that time my roommate happen to wake up and do his morning rituals. "Dude, brunch at the Diner?" he asked, knowing full well, that it was no question at all. "Of course, I need some grease in my body to clean out the booze" I responded. We strolled into the local diner, and happen to get an interesting table. It was not too far from the entrance, and oddly located such that you can see every person that happens to walk in/out. We ordered our usual food, and life seemed to be in perfect balance.
Everything was fine, until a couple walked in. It was a typical white couple. The guy had a Rutgers baseball cap, a sweatshirt and jeans, and the girl was also wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Now, in the most subtle way you can imagine, my buddy made a quick, scant glance and turned back to me in the middle of our conversation as if nothing happened. But I new that was not the case. I knew, my meal would not be the same, and neither would the conversation. In that brief glance, I knew that everything had changed. As he carried on the point he was probably making about global financial markets, I did what all good friends would do at that point, I called him out. "You motha fucka! You dirty dog!" I bursted out. "What dude? What the hell?" he said all perplexed. "You didn't think I'd notice did you?" Just then, he knew exactly what I was talking about and made that filthy smile I love to see.
There is an instinct that men have, and sometimes a subtle glance at a woman is all you need for that instinct to tell you what you need to know. When my buddy glanced at this woman in the middle of his story, and turned back to me, I knew exactly what he was thinking - that this woman must be a FREAK in the sack! I knew it, because I saw it too, and I had the same thought in my head. "Your thinking she'll ride you like Seabiscuit don't you?" I asked, and he said "Dude, she must be awesome in the sack, and that is one undeservingly lucky man". I can't explain why, but for some reason, I honestly contend that when a guy sees a girl he can tell how she is in bed, and I'm willing to bet, 90% of the time he is right. Woman have a look and a sexual aura, that men just pick up on and know that this one is spitter, and that one is a quitter.
Maybe its the way a woman carries herself, and maybe its the look of satisfaction or dissatisfaction she emits, but for some reason, guys just seem to know. In any case, the conversation during brunch quickly changed to what she probably does and does not do. "She's gotta be a screamer" I contended to which he countered "No way, dude, I know a pillow-biter when I see one!" I guess, in all of this I probably realized why I was not married, because I don't think I'd be able to have this same brunch conversation with a wife, but that doesn't mean I won't try.
Everything was fine, until a couple walked in. It was a typical white couple. The guy had a Rutgers baseball cap, a sweatshirt and jeans, and the girl was also wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Now, in the most subtle way you can imagine, my buddy made a quick, scant glance and turned back to me in the middle of our conversation as if nothing happened. But I new that was not the case. I knew, my meal would not be the same, and neither would the conversation. In that brief glance, I knew that everything had changed. As he carried on the point he was probably making about global financial markets, I did what all good friends would do at that point, I called him out. "You motha fucka! You dirty dog!" I bursted out. "What dude? What the hell?" he said all perplexed. "You didn't think I'd notice did you?" Just then, he knew exactly what I was talking about and made that filthy smile I love to see.
There is an instinct that men have, and sometimes a subtle glance at a woman is all you need for that instinct to tell you what you need to know. When my buddy glanced at this woman in the middle of his story, and turned back to me, I knew exactly what he was thinking - that this woman must be a FREAK in the sack! I knew it, because I saw it too, and I had the same thought in my head. "Your thinking she'll ride you like Seabiscuit don't you?" I asked, and he said "Dude, she must be awesome in the sack, and that is one undeservingly lucky man". I can't explain why, but for some reason, I honestly contend that when a guy sees a girl he can tell how she is in bed, and I'm willing to bet, 90% of the time he is right. Woman have a look and a sexual aura, that men just pick up on and know that this one is spitter, and that one is a quitter.
Maybe its the way a woman carries herself, and maybe its the look of satisfaction or dissatisfaction she emits, but for some reason, guys just seem to know. In any case, the conversation during brunch quickly changed to what she probably does and does not do. "She's gotta be a screamer" I contended to which he countered "No way, dude, I know a pillow-biter when I see one!" I guess, in all of this I probably realized why I was not married, because I don't think I'd be able to have this same brunch conversation with a wife, but that doesn't mean I won't try.
Friday, August 29, 2008
What a Nice Guy
A few years ago, I was at a cafe with a cousin of mine. It was a nice summer evening, and we were having some coffee and catching up on the important questions in life such as whether or not to keep the significant others we were involved with. To take a break from what we were discussing, I told my cousin about what happened to me at the gym earlier that day. Her reaction as well as that of those around me was completely shocking. I simply could not believe it.
From what I've read its healthy to exercise every muscle in the body when you are lifting weights. So I had a day dedicated to each muscle group. Thursdays, was my day to do legs. I came in like I did every Thursday. I stretched out, warmed up, and began to do some serious weight-lifting exercises on my legs. The thing with working out your legs is that you end up pretty much using every muscle from your waist down - especially the Glutus Maximus. Its pretty much involved in every motion, and is therefore used in most exercises. After a rigorous leg workout your probably walking around like your drunk, because your body will have trouble supporting its self.
Anyhow, I went about my routine. I did the dead-lifts, calf-raises, and all the other various exercises to give myself the toned legs I love. In between each set, I'd bend over and stretch out so I didn't pull anything. Finally, I got to the most painful of leg exercises - the Squat. It was a bit crowded that day in the gym so I noticed a guy standing to the back and side of where I was squatting. Figuring he was just waiting for me to finish I offered him a chance to work in with me. "Dude, I just started here, and its packed so if you want, you can work in with me". "Really?" he responded with genuine shock. "Ya man, its no big deal. I don't own the place. I got four sets on this so it might take me a while." "That sounds great man" he replied. So there we were just two dudes, doing squats and working out our legs. After I finished my last set he asked me "Dude, do you work out here often? I don't think I've seen you here before". "Me? Yah, I'm here all the time" I replied. "Oh, well, most guys that come to this gym never work out their legs. Do you work out legs regularly?" he asked. I told him "In fact I do. Pretty much every Thursday." The next part is what totally changed my gym experience forever. "Well listen, do you mind if I work legs with you next Thursday? It would be nice to have a partner for once". Not knowing what to say, I simply responded "yeah".
"Are you a freakin moron?!? Please tell me your not that naive and stupid!" my cousin yelled at me. "What? He just wanted to work out. What's the big deal?" My cousin than said something to me that truly rattled me, and made me feel stupid. "Nirav, look at the size of your ass man! Who the hell wants to work out with you! That dude was gay, and he was trying to pick you up....and I think you let him! Have fun!" I couldn't believe it. She was right. I have some serious junk in my trunk, and this man was admiring it. I felt so violated, I felt so wrong, I felt like a woman in most venues. "No way" I said. "He just wanted to work out man, that's what guys are like at the gym". Just then a stranger sitting at the table next to us leans over and says "Bro, I work out, and I never want a partner when doing legs. I think he wanted to squat more than just weights with you bro".
It was true. I officially got hit on for the first time at the gym by a dude. Whether it was on purpose, or whether my booty or my stupidity brought it on, I will never know. I do know one thing though, I stopped doing legs on Thursdays.
From what I've read its healthy to exercise every muscle in the body when you are lifting weights. So I had a day dedicated to each muscle group. Thursdays, was my day to do legs. I came in like I did every Thursday. I stretched out, warmed up, and began to do some serious weight-lifting exercises on my legs. The thing with working out your legs is that you end up pretty much using every muscle from your waist down - especially the Glutus Maximus. Its pretty much involved in every motion, and is therefore used in most exercises. After a rigorous leg workout your probably walking around like your drunk, because your body will have trouble supporting its self.
Anyhow, I went about my routine. I did the dead-lifts, calf-raises, and all the other various exercises to give myself the toned legs I love. In between each set, I'd bend over and stretch out so I didn't pull anything. Finally, I got to the most painful of leg exercises - the Squat. It was a bit crowded that day in the gym so I noticed a guy standing to the back and side of where I was squatting. Figuring he was just waiting for me to finish I offered him a chance to work in with me. "Dude, I just started here, and its packed so if you want, you can work in with me". "Really?" he responded with genuine shock. "Ya man, its no big deal. I don't own the place. I got four sets on this so it might take me a while." "That sounds great man" he replied. So there we were just two dudes, doing squats and working out our legs. After I finished my last set he asked me "Dude, do you work out here often? I don't think I've seen you here before". "Me? Yah, I'm here all the time" I replied. "Oh, well, most guys that come to this gym never work out their legs. Do you work out legs regularly?" he asked. I told him "In fact I do. Pretty much every Thursday." The next part is what totally changed my gym experience forever. "Well listen, do you mind if I work legs with you next Thursday? It would be nice to have a partner for once". Not knowing what to say, I simply responded "yeah".
"Are you a freakin moron?!? Please tell me your not that naive and stupid!" my cousin yelled at me. "What? He just wanted to work out. What's the big deal?" My cousin than said something to me that truly rattled me, and made me feel stupid. "Nirav, look at the size of your ass man! Who the hell wants to work out with you! That dude was gay, and he was trying to pick you up....and I think you let him! Have fun!" I couldn't believe it. She was right. I have some serious junk in my trunk, and this man was admiring it. I felt so violated, I felt so wrong, I felt like a woman in most venues. "No way" I said. "He just wanted to work out man, that's what guys are like at the gym". Just then a stranger sitting at the table next to us leans over and says "Bro, I work out, and I never want a partner when doing legs. I think he wanted to squat more than just weights with you bro".
It was true. I officially got hit on for the first time at the gym by a dude. Whether it was on purpose, or whether my booty or my stupidity brought it on, I will never know. I do know one thing though, I stopped doing legs on Thursdays.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Breasts - The Final Frontier
For as far back as I can remember, I've always been a breast man (as opposed to an ass man). My friend Mr. Umerica recently sent me this article about breasts. Its quite an interesting article. Its a 32 year old woman's take on her large breasts, and her thoughts on her perfectly moulded, and buoyant god given bouncing Buddhas. It is kind of interesting to understand a well endowed woman's view on her own body who has a sense of humor. So I would like to take this moment to share my thoughts on this lady's genuine juggernauts and how she feels about them. She talks about how she realized she had big breasts when men started giving her free fish at the market (talk about irony). Anyhow, she goes onto explain that since the age of 12 she's pretty much been stacked. The basic premise of her article is that women see their breasts as a fashion accessory whereas men see them as the center of the universe.
Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to agree with her second point, and call her out on some of her other statements. She claims:
1. "When I buy a dress, I don't consciously think, Wow, this is going to make all the men in the room want me. More like, How will it offset my best feature?"
I believe the appropriate word here is "BULLSHIT". Let's be honest lady, your not exactly going to show off your intellectual personality with a dress that that barely covers your nipples. Second, when women put time into getting ready, and they have on that dress that fits just right, and makes them feel good - they know it. They are out there, they are flirting and in fact they are getting the men to like them more. Most women I know have an outfit that they know makes them look "FAAAIN!" and when they flaunt it, they don't want men to just notice their fun-loving personality.
2. "I know what you're thinking: Nothing low-cut was ever purchased in innocence. I swear to you, my breasts and I, we never conspire. We're just trying to look our best."
Honey, you and your breast are in fact conspiring to put yourselves out there as much as possible. Maybe you don't want all the attention on your breasts, but the fact that it draws more attention to you than other women can also be considered a victory.
3. "I feel about my breasts the way Audrey Hepburn felt about her neck. They're just part of my outfit, along with the right shoes, the right hose, the right earrings"
The only part of this statement I agree with is that a good pair of breast do compliment the right hoes. Listen, if your breasts match your earrings, than my schlong matches my socks.
4. "I am not always the best-looking or most sought-after girl at the party. But I always look appropriately festive, men tell me that I look nice"
My guess is she's a butter-face, however the fact that she always looks "festive" tells me that she probably has more than just one "cleavage-enhancing" dress. The reason men are telling you that you look nice is that when you giggle they jiggle.
5. "My advice, should you find yourself chatting with an amply endowed female, is to practice restraint. It's not that we mind you looking at our breasts; it's just that seeing you do it is creepy. The stare, obviously, is bad, and the quick, subtle glance is never as quick or subtle as you hope"
This is a statement that I absolutely agree with. 9 times out of 10 men go wrong because they talk to the boobs and not the babe. I'm willing to guess that women who are stacked know it, and they are probably so used to guys just gawking that if one were to actually look her in the eyes and talk, the odds of getting between em probably increase significantly.
6. "Men are always a bit amazed to see a pair of naked breasts, and their amazement level increases with quality and size."
Duh! We live most of our lives wondering when will be the next time I get to see another pair. Will it be free or will I have to pay? Will they be built for comfort or for speed? Of course our amazement increases with quality and size. Wouldn't your amazement of a Ferrari be greater than that of a toy hot rod?
7. "After 20 years of having big breasts, I look down at them and ask, What have you done for me lately?"
I'm betting they got you a few more complements and conversations than you would've originally gotten, and you've probably made a few more men walk into poles.
8. "Let's cut a deal. We'll wear nothing but low-cut shirts... if you promise to listen to everything we say when we're wearing them."
First of all this is just a bold lie. You wear things that are low-cut because you know how good you look in them. So let's cut another deal. You wear what you want, and we'll listen to what we want.
In any case, I do think this lady does give an interesting perspective on her humpty-dumpty's. However, I believe our fascination with the sweater-stretchers is more complicated than that. I think it is the one thing on the front side of a person that lets men know that the beautiful face you noticed does in fact belong to a woman. Its knowing that which I believe preoccupies us more than anything.
When it comes to breasts, women, and how they dress I believe in Dave Chappelle's philosophy (paraphrased):
"Women should be respected. If they choose to wear clothes that push their breasts up to their necks and have their asses hanging half way out their skirt, its their option and they are allowed to. It also does not mean that these women are hoes. However, ladies, you shouldn't get upset for a guy calling you a hoe when your dressed like that. That's like if I was dressed up as a cop right? And I was standing out there on the street and you came up to me saying "Excuse me officer! A person was just shot, and the criminal is getting away, you must go after him!" and I respond "Now hold up. Wait just a minute. Just because I'm wearing a police officer's uniform, doesn't make me a police officer!". Ladies, you may not be hoes, but you have a hoe's uniform on, you feel me?"
Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to agree with her second point, and call her out on some of her other statements. She claims:
1. "When I buy a dress, I don't consciously think, Wow, this is going to make all the men in the room want me. More like, How will it offset my best feature?"
I believe the appropriate word here is "BULLSHIT". Let's be honest lady, your not exactly going to show off your intellectual personality with a dress that that barely covers your nipples. Second, when women put time into getting ready, and they have on that dress that fits just right, and makes them feel good - they know it. They are out there, they are flirting and in fact they are getting the men to like them more. Most women I know have an outfit that they know makes them look "FAAAIN!" and when they flaunt it, they don't want men to just notice their fun-loving personality.
2. "I know what you're thinking: Nothing low-cut was ever purchased in innocence. I swear to you, my breasts and I, we never conspire. We're just trying to look our best."
Honey, you and your breast are in fact conspiring to put yourselves out there as much as possible. Maybe you don't want all the attention on your breasts, but the fact that it draws more attention to you than other women can also be considered a victory.
3. "I feel about my breasts the way Audrey Hepburn felt about her neck. They're just part of my outfit, along with the right shoes, the right hose, the right earrings"
The only part of this statement I agree with is that a good pair of breast do compliment the right hoes. Listen, if your breasts match your earrings, than my schlong matches my socks.
4. "I am not always the best-looking or most sought-after girl at the party. But I always look appropriately festive, men tell me that I look nice"
My guess is she's a butter-face, however the fact that she always looks "festive" tells me that she probably has more than just one "cleavage-enhancing" dress. The reason men are telling you that you look nice is that when you giggle they jiggle.
5. "My advice, should you find yourself chatting with an amply endowed female, is to practice restraint. It's not that we mind you looking at our breasts; it's just that seeing you do it is creepy. The stare, obviously, is bad, and the quick, subtle glance is never as quick or subtle as you hope"
This is a statement that I absolutely agree with. 9 times out of 10 men go wrong because they talk to the boobs and not the babe. I'm willing to guess that women who are stacked know it, and they are probably so used to guys just gawking that if one were to actually look her in the eyes and talk, the odds of getting between em probably increase significantly.
6. "Men are always a bit amazed to see a pair of naked breasts, and their amazement level increases with quality and size."
Duh! We live most of our lives wondering when will be the next time I get to see another pair. Will it be free or will I have to pay? Will they be built for comfort or for speed? Of course our amazement increases with quality and size. Wouldn't your amazement of a Ferrari be greater than that of a toy hot rod?
7. "After 20 years of having big breasts, I look down at them and ask, What have you done for me lately?"
I'm betting they got you a few more complements and conversations than you would've originally gotten, and you've probably made a few more men walk into poles.
8. "Let's cut a deal. We'll wear nothing but low-cut shirts... if you promise to listen to everything we say when we're wearing them."
First of all this is just a bold lie. You wear things that are low-cut because you know how good you look in them. So let's cut another deal. You wear what you want, and we'll listen to what we want.
In any case, I do think this lady does give an interesting perspective on her humpty-dumpty's. However, I believe our fascination with the sweater-stretchers is more complicated than that. I think it is the one thing on the front side of a person that lets men know that the beautiful face you noticed does in fact belong to a woman. Its knowing that which I believe preoccupies us more than anything.
When it comes to breasts, women, and how they dress I believe in Dave Chappelle's philosophy (paraphrased):
"Women should be respected. If they choose to wear clothes that push their breasts up to their necks and have their asses hanging half way out their skirt, its their option and they are allowed to. It also does not mean that these women are hoes. However, ladies, you shouldn't get upset for a guy calling you a hoe when your dressed like that. That's like if I was dressed up as a cop right? And I was standing out there on the street and you came up to me saying "Excuse me officer! A person was just shot, and the criminal is getting away, you must go after him!" and I respond "Now hold up. Wait just a minute. Just because I'm wearing a police officer's uniform, doesn't make me a police officer!". Ladies, you may not be hoes, but you have a hoe's uniform on, you feel me?"
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better
Women are competitive. They are competitive about anything and everything. I've heard women in my family argue about who makes better food, who keeps a cleaner bathroom, even about who has a lazier son. Nowadays, I hear women competing about who can hold their liquor better as well. No matter what the circumstance, there is always room for competition.
However, British women take competition to a whole new level. According to this article 9 British women were arrested for competing in a sex competition! That's right at some point in their discussion about better recipes, to chugging, a woman may have proposed "Oh yeah, well I bet I can give better head than you!". Now as a guy there is only one thing left to ponder at this point. How does one create such an environment so women will start having these competitive thoughts? I mean if a guy knew how to put women in a situation where they'd want to compete with each other for sex, I think that would be a pretty powerful tool to have.
I can just imagine these guys overhearing a bunch of women talk about who is better at having sex. Then one of them approaches the women with a solution. "Listen, ladies. We hear you talking about this, and there is only one solution. We shall have a competition to see who is the greatest skin-slapper of you all, and award the winner a cash prize. Although, we are hear doing this for you, so you have peace of mind, we still agreed to pitch in, and at least give the winner something for her efforts. So what do you say?" The women, somehow probably saw this as the perfect solution. I'm willing to bet that after all the sex was done, the women had to stand before the men, and just like they do in the Gladiator movie the judge had to give a thumbs up or a thumbs down. As a result, the women got arrested for prostitution, and the men got charged with encouraging "obscene behaviour". Which says to me, the cop who arrested these people was just jealous because he was too ugly to get selected as a judge. I mean, I would love to be in that court hearing:
British woman number 1: "Your honor, these skanks claim to give better head than me, and I didn't want them showing me up. So when these guys over hear offered to judge the competition, and pay the winner, I thought it would be my time to shine. I'm not a ho, I'm just a woman with a dream to prove that I am the best at what I do"
Judge: I don't care how you put it, accepting cash for sex is prostitution and its illegal.
You can just picture the woman like the scene at the end of the Untouchables when Robert Deniro is yelling "Your Honor, is this Justice! Is this Justice!?!"
What also surprised me is that men in Europe can get arrested for "encouraging obscene behaviour". Listen, if that's the case men all over the world should be arrested right now, because no matter what is going on, men are ALWAYS encouraging obscene behaviour. How do you even go about measuring what is considered obscene? I mean, encouraging a sex competition may be obscene to one person, but might be worth $2.95 a minute to another.
All in all, after reading this article, I learned two things about myself. One - I really need to go to London, and Two - I gotta keep my ears open.
However, British women take competition to a whole new level. According to this article 9 British women were arrested for competing in a sex competition! That's right at some point in their discussion about better recipes, to chugging, a woman may have proposed "Oh yeah, well I bet I can give better head than you!". Now as a guy there is only one thing left to ponder at this point. How does one create such an environment so women will start having these competitive thoughts? I mean if a guy knew how to put women in a situation where they'd want to compete with each other for sex, I think that would be a pretty powerful tool to have.
I can just imagine these guys overhearing a bunch of women talk about who is better at having sex. Then one of them approaches the women with a solution. "Listen, ladies. We hear you talking about this, and there is only one solution. We shall have a competition to see who is the greatest skin-slapper of you all, and award the winner a cash prize. Although, we are hear doing this for you, so you have peace of mind, we still agreed to pitch in, and at least give the winner something for her efforts. So what do you say?" The women, somehow probably saw this as the perfect solution. I'm willing to bet that after all the sex was done, the women had to stand before the men, and just like they do in the Gladiator movie the judge had to give a thumbs up or a thumbs down. As a result, the women got arrested for prostitution, and the men got charged with encouraging "obscene behaviour". Which says to me, the cop who arrested these people was just jealous because he was too ugly to get selected as a judge. I mean, I would love to be in that court hearing:
British woman number 1: "Your honor, these skanks claim to give better head than me, and I didn't want them showing me up. So when these guys over hear offered to judge the competition, and pay the winner, I thought it would be my time to shine. I'm not a ho, I'm just a woman with a dream to prove that I am the best at what I do"
Judge: I don't care how you put it, accepting cash for sex is prostitution and its illegal.
You can just picture the woman like the scene at the end of the Untouchables when Robert Deniro is yelling "Your Honor, is this Justice! Is this Justice!?!"
What also surprised me is that men in Europe can get arrested for "encouraging obscene behaviour". Listen, if that's the case men all over the world should be arrested right now, because no matter what is going on, men are ALWAYS encouraging obscene behaviour. How do you even go about measuring what is considered obscene? I mean, encouraging a sex competition may be obscene to one person, but might be worth $2.95 a minute to another.
All in all, after reading this article, I learned two things about myself. One - I really need to go to London, and Two - I gotta keep my ears open.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Sex - A Measure of Progress
The last decade or so has shown us an economic boom in the world like none ever witnessed in the history of mankind. As a result we now live in an age where there are more billionaires walking the Earth than ever before. One of the biggest places of this economic boom has been India along with China. In these past few years these two countries which were once considered 3rd-world are now a nesting place of wealthy people. Have times changed? Yes, absolutely. But has society progressed? How does one measure the progress of a society? Is it simply by seeing the standard of living go up, or is there more?
Well, luckily for you the Indian Guy has the answer and the standard of living alone is not a good sign of progress in society. The true sign of progress in a society is determined by how openly the society allows its members to talk a bout sex. That's right folks, I am of the firm belief that the more openly we are able to talk about sex, the farther along we've come as a civilization. With this measure in mind, I'd like to say India's society has progressed by leaps and bounds. Just look at this article below:
This article is from a news paper in India. There is a column by Sexologist Dr. Kavan Lakdawala. In this column his readers can send him some questions, and he gives appropriate sex advice. I'd like to take this moment, to substitute in for Dr. Lakdawala and give the advice of The Indian Guy on some of these questions that have come in:
I had tuberculosis a year ago. I'm off medication. Can I enjoy my sex life?
Hell yeah you can enjoy your sex life! You should've been getting some TB Sympathy sex, but because you didn't (since you were dumb enough to think you couldn't hump and recover at the same time) you now have to make up for it. Take out your dong-wrap and get to work buddy!
Recently I had sex with my wife. My foreskin tore. There are red spots on my penis. What is that?
First of all please take some grammar classes. Second, congratulations on having a wife you actually have sex with - that's great. The red-spots are what we Americans call "rug burn". It means you were at peak performance, and your break pads wore out, and you ended up cutting into your rotor.
I have pain in my lower leg. Could masturbation be the reason? I used to masturbate a lot but I've stopped now.
Okay, I heard it can make you blind, but I have not read any confirmed reports about it causing restless legs syndrome. Masturbation from all accounts should not have anything to do with your leg, however it may cause some nasty tennis-elbow. Also, I don't believe you when you say "I've stopped now" - that is just a bold lie.
I enjoy stimulating my wife manually. She also enjoys the act and helps me to ejaculate. Is this safe?
Buddy, please clarify the difference between manually and automatically? If its what I think it is, then yes, it is safe, but your getting the raw deal. She has all the fun, but you do all the work, and the little guy gets no action. Does your wife also stimulate you manually? Doing this is like sitting inside of a Ferrari but not putting the key in the ignition. How do you know what it sounds and feels like unless you start her up?
I'm having an affair with my neighbour. She wants to have sex with me. I'm 22 and she is 27. Is this okay?
First of all, if you haven't hit that, then your not having an affair. Your just fooling around and avoiding getting caught. The good news is that she's older than you, and she wants to have sex with you. As a result not only is this okay, its also encouraged - you may learn a thing or two. Just remember, don't be a fool and wrap your tool. You don't want to know why the neighbours children have your eyes playa.
Recently I had sex with my uncle is my virginity in tact?
What the fuck!? What the fuck are you thinking? NO your virginity is not in tact, and neither is your sanity you crazy bitch. Avoid all family reunions for the rest of your life, and please do NOT play with your cousins any more.
In conclusion, sex is quite a taboo subject in a country like India. However, because of the problems with Aids, and the idiots who think they can't catch it, its nice to see that there are forums for people to learn a thing or two about doing the hanky-panky. But clearly, sometimes you don't need to know everything.
Well, luckily for you the Indian Guy has the answer and the standard of living alone is not a good sign of progress in society. The true sign of progress in a society is determined by how openly the society allows its members to talk a bout sex. That's right folks, I am of the firm belief that the more openly we are able to talk about sex, the farther along we've come as a civilization. With this measure in mind, I'd like to say India's society has progressed by leaps and bounds. Just look at this article below:
This article is from a news paper in India. There is a column by Sexologist Dr. Kavan Lakdawala. In this column his readers can send him some questions, and he gives appropriate sex advice. I'd like to take this moment, to substitute in for Dr. Lakdawala and give the advice of The Indian Guy on some of these questions that have come in:
I had tuberculosis a year ago. I'm off medication. Can I enjoy my sex life?
Hell yeah you can enjoy your sex life! You should've been getting some TB Sympathy sex, but because you didn't (since you were dumb enough to think you couldn't hump and recover at the same time) you now have to make up for it. Take out your dong-wrap and get to work buddy!
Recently I had sex with my wife. My foreskin tore. There are red spots on my penis. What is that?
First of all please take some grammar classes. Second, congratulations on having a wife you actually have sex with - that's great. The red-spots are what we Americans call "rug burn". It means you were at peak performance, and your break pads wore out, and you ended up cutting into your rotor.
I have pain in my lower leg. Could masturbation be the reason? I used to masturbate a lot but I've stopped now.
Okay, I heard it can make you blind, but I have not read any confirmed reports about it causing restless legs syndrome. Masturbation from all accounts should not have anything to do with your leg, however it may cause some nasty tennis-elbow. Also, I don't believe you when you say "I've stopped now" - that is just a bold lie.
I enjoy stimulating my wife manually. She also enjoys the act and helps me to ejaculate. Is this safe?
Buddy, please clarify the difference between manually and automatically? If its what I think it is, then yes, it is safe, but your getting the raw deal. She has all the fun, but you do all the work, and the little guy gets no action. Does your wife also stimulate you manually? Doing this is like sitting inside of a Ferrari but not putting the key in the ignition. How do you know what it sounds and feels like unless you start her up?
I'm having an affair with my neighbour. She wants to have sex with me. I'm 22 and she is 27. Is this okay?
First of all, if you haven't hit that, then your not having an affair. Your just fooling around and avoiding getting caught. The good news is that she's older than you, and she wants to have sex with you. As a result not only is this okay, its also encouraged - you may learn a thing or two. Just remember, don't be a fool and wrap your tool. You don't want to know why the neighbours children have your eyes playa.
Recently I had sex with my uncle is my virginity in tact?
What the fuck!? What the fuck are you thinking? NO your virginity is not in tact, and neither is your sanity you crazy bitch. Avoid all family reunions for the rest of your life, and please do NOT play with your cousins any more.
In conclusion, sex is quite a taboo subject in a country like India. However, because of the problems with Aids, and the idiots who think they can't catch it, its nice to see that there are forums for people to learn a thing or two about doing the hanky-panky. But clearly, sometimes you don't need to know everything.
Friday, June 13, 2008
A Religous Experience
In our temple, when men and women enter they are required to sit on 2 seperate sides. Over the years, I've gotten into many debates with people regarding this. Personally, I never thought it was a big deal. As a dude, let's be honest - you think of women 99.9999% of the time, and the rest of the time is devoted to sports. Therefore, the idea of focusing on god, and not on women kind of made sense to me. Having a bunch of guys around me, definately helps me focus on the task at hand.
However, many people over the years have argued with me about this issue. They told me things like why does your religion do this? Is it really necessary? I don't see the point. Sometimes they made convincing arguments. But today....today I have the be all end all of all their arguments. I can confidently say that we seperate men and women so this doesn't happen.
According to this article an Italian couple got caught having sex in the confessional box while morning mass was being said (talk about morning wood!). Upon reading this I was thoroughly jealous, and enlightened (not to mention inspired). From this article I learned that "where there's a will there's a way" but also, that maybe seperating men and women might not be such a bad idea. I also learned, that there's probably a good reason why we don't have a "confessional box" at our temple.
I mean, if you think about it, there's a billion Indians roaming around today, and that happened for one reason and one reason only. Back in the day, India had a strong agricultural economy, and as a result people were BORED OUT OF THEIR MIND! I mean, really how exciting can it be to watch tobacco grow? As a result they started slappin skins to kill the time. In fact they got so good at this they made a whole journal for the world to follow (I present to you.....The Kama Sutra). The tobacco was growin and the babies were poppin!
So what does this have to do with religion you ask? I think the one place to really not think about getting your freak on was temple. However, being the horny folks that Indians are, they probably realized that it was just too much to have your baby-momma sittin next to you lickin her lips and giving you the "I want you eyes", while you're trying to make sure you don't re-incarnate into a toad. As a result, I believe that they finally decided through trial & error and realized that it was easier to think about god, when the sexual tension was absent. Is it better or worst? I'm not sure, but I'd like to install a "confessional box" to see if it makes a difference.
However, many people over the years have argued with me about this issue. They told me things like why does your religion do this? Is it really necessary? I don't see the point. Sometimes they made convincing arguments. But today....today I have the be all end all of all their arguments. I can confidently say that we seperate men and women so this doesn't happen.
According to this article an Italian couple got caught having sex in the confessional box while morning mass was being said (talk about morning wood!). Upon reading this I was thoroughly jealous, and enlightened (not to mention inspired). From this article I learned that "where there's a will there's a way" but also, that maybe seperating men and women might not be such a bad idea. I also learned, that there's probably a good reason why we don't have a "confessional box" at our temple.
I mean, if you think about it, there's a billion Indians roaming around today, and that happened for one reason and one reason only. Back in the day, India had a strong agricultural economy, and as a result people were BORED OUT OF THEIR MIND! I mean, really how exciting can it be to watch tobacco grow? As a result they started slappin skins to kill the time. In fact they got so good at this they made a whole journal for the world to follow (I present to you.....The Kama Sutra). The tobacco was growin and the babies were poppin!
So what does this have to do with religion you ask? I think the one place to really not think about getting your freak on was temple. However, being the horny folks that Indians are, they probably realized that it was just too much to have your baby-momma sittin next to you lickin her lips and giving you the "I want you eyes", while you're trying to make sure you don't re-incarnate into a toad. As a result, I believe that they finally decided through trial & error and realized that it was easier to think about god, when the sexual tension was absent. Is it better or worst? I'm not sure, but I'd like to install a "confessional box" to see if it makes a difference.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Women, Chocolate, Sex and the Truth
I happen to be related to a woman who is absolutely addicted to chocolate. When she talks about chocolate here eyes get bigger and wider, and her descriptions become more passionate. However, I find that she is not alone in this. Chocolate seems to have quite an effect on women. An effect that men will never understand, or appreciate.
Through various lessons in life, I've concluded that women appreciate chocolate a lot. If I had to pick a list of top 5 things women appreciate in this world it would probably go as follows:
1. Tampons
2. Chocolate
3. Sex and the City
4. Brad Pitt
5. Their favorite hair dresser
Somewhere between tampons and Sex and the City is where women rate the importance of chocolate in their existence. That's right if you are a man, and not Brad Pitt, odds are women probably don't care much for you. In fact their attraction to chocolate is so strong that according to this article it directly impacts their sex drive. According to them "Women who have a daily intake of chocolate showed higher levels of desire than women who did not have this habit."
Are you freakin kidding me?!? All this time, I've been trying to figure out how to get women, and pick up hot ladies, and all I had to do was bring chocolate! If this was the case how come no one bottled the scent and made a cologne out of this? Just think about it. The commercial could be hilarious. An unlucky dude gets rejected by a bunch of women. He then sprays on some "Chocolate" - by Ralph Lauren and the women come flocking to him. However, I can see how this would not work, since after licking the dude's neck, most women would realize it is a dude and not a Lindt truffle, and would soon dismiss him.
Anyhow, although I never will understand how important chocolate is to women, I guess the only real correlation I can think of from a guy's perspective is the importance of porn to a man. Porn like chocolate is a secretly desired vice that men are passionate about and intake in small doses on a daily basis. Just like a woman can probably describe her favorite truffle down to the last detail, a guy can probably describe his favorite porno down to the well....last detail. Just like women sneak off and "cheat" with a piece of chocolate in private, men do the same with their version of chocolate (sometimes that's her name). Most importantly just like chocolate increase a woman's desire for doing the dirty-dirty....well I think I made my point pretty clear with this one.
All in all, women will always have a special place in their hearts for chocolate, and knowing this men will always use this piece of information to get out of the dog house as often as they can.
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