Its that time of year again. The trees are naked, the air is cold, football is in full swing, and we are humbled once again. For it is that time of year when the Native Americans traded some corn with the Europeans who later turned out to be their "Frenemies". However, the important thing to remember is that this is the time of year when we enjoy the two days off from work, stay at home with the ones we love, and fill our bellies and our hearts with cholesterol, fat, and love. But more importantly, it is the time of year when we give "thanks". Its not an easy thing to do. We are always griping and bitching about the things we don't have in our every day lives, that we overlook all the wonderful things we do actually have. With that being said, I The Indian Guy would like to share what I'm thankful for.
The first and most important thing I am thankful for this time of year is the Patel Convention. What is the Patel Convention you may ask? Well just as the royal families in history wanted to make sure they stayed in power and kept all the riches in the family, the Patels of this world, are continuing this tradition in today's day and age. The Patel Community of the world has accomplished and achieved a lot. To keep these accomplishments for themselves, the Patel's designed a system wherein their kids can marry other Patels, and not let anyone else in and ruin the "chosen blood". That's right, the Patel Convention is the meat market of the Patel community, and it is where kids go to find a future "partner" in marriage (or for the night), and parents go to congregate and vent about how old their kids are getting and not finding anyone. You see, in the Patel community, having a child that is not married past their mid-20's is a disgrace to the family and the parents of the child may even feel like they ruined the world with an ugly child or even worst, maybe they have to admit that they are not capable of producing pretty children because they are not pretty. NO! That is not the case, for Patels are not allowed to be ugly! Thank god, all is safe.
The next thing I am thankful for is the Patel Women of the Patel Convention. Ah yes, there are few things in this world that are as unique as a Patel Woman at the Patel Convention. There are not too many women who have the ability to grind with you, maybe even hook up with you, and then tell you that you are not worthy of dating because you come from New Jersey and you must be a "playa". Just because two people hook up after 5 minutes of talking and 2 shots, does not make the guy a "playa" because he's from Jersey. It makes the girl a "fun" girl, and the guy an "opportunity seizer". It sure is a beautiful thing when a girl who you try to hook one of your friends up with, gets mad at you because YOU were not interested in her. However, you didn't want to ask her out for yourself because she was older than you by a couple of years, and Patel women are just not comfortable with dating a younger guy (even if he reads at an older level). However, after you do ask her out and date her, she has the right to be mad at you for being too young. Only a Patel woman can make you feel special and stupid at the same time. It truly is a rare thing.
Another thing I am grateful for of course are the guys of the Patel convention. You see, Patel guys don't like to be too confrontational, however they can be extremely competitive. So what do they do? Well, they cock block, but not in the traditional way. The Patel convention is the one place in the world, where a guy can compliment you so much that you actually look bad. How can this be? How would you even go about doing this? Well, the savvy Patel hater has developed a way. For example, when you are talking to a girl, a guy that you've never seen may come up to you in front of the girl and say something like "Yo! What's up bro! Man, this guy is such a player! I can't even believe how many women this guy was with last night. You're the man bro!". He will drop this little bomb, and then walk away, and also watch the girl get disgusted by your promiscuous ways, and leave. Thanks a lot douche bag! However, not all the Patel guys are bad, there's just a few rotten apples. The Patel Convention is the one place where you will probably make more friends with guys than with girls. Its probably the one place where you will meet another fellow Patel who thinks your cool and will buy you a drink from the other side of the room, just because its a Friday afternoon and the game is on and your not working. Its also the one case where guys may even get a bit too drunk and start telling you their dark secrets such as "Bro, I barely know you, but I feel like I can trust you with this. I met a girl, but I have a crush on her mom, and I can't control myself. I'm gonna make my move at Garba tonight".
All in all, I am thankful for the convention of Patels and the many memories it has given me. Its the place where I first got wasted, and the place where I will always go to feel at home. Although I may not find my wife there, I know its the one place I belong. To call the Patel Convention a failure just because you don't find your marriage partner is like calling Hugh Hefner a failure for not finding true love. Sure, he may not have exactly what he's looking for, but I think most of us would settle for what he's got.
Showing posts with label single. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
If you've ever been to a "Desi" or Indian Party, you've undoubtedly have seen it come to an end or have it broken up due to a fight. Its an absolutely amazing phenomenon that has transcended various generations of Indians, and to this day the fighting continues. The reason I call it a phenomenon is because generally speaking, Indians probably have the worst genetic make up when it comes to fighting. Unless we were gonna start swinging stethescopes, or using our moustaches as swords, I think we're pretty useless. Of course, the fighting is not caused by some deeply universal cause, but rather something even more profound.
For example, the following conversation may cause a fight:
Raj: Yo, kid what you gonna wear to the party tonight?
Jay: I was thinking about rocking my new Express shirt
Raj: Oh word, that's cool.
Then both Raj and Jay show up to the party.
Jay: What the fuck bro! I told you I was rockin my new Express shirt and you still wore the same one. That's fucked up shit son. You don't do that to your boy!
Raj: Oh yeah....what you gonna do about you skinny ass punk?
Jay: I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it.
At this point, Jay instead of being a man and taking on Raj, will pull out his cell phone and call 10 of his buddies. "Fellas, we got a code red! Raj, that punk ass is wearing the same shirt as me, I need you guys here right away. He goes down tonight".
Jay: Raj, you know what I shouldn't have over reacted
Raj: That's right, you better know who your talking to
BAM! WHACK!
Just then Raj gets hit over the head with a beer bottle, and 10 of Jay's friends start punching and kicking him, and take the poor guy down. This will undoubtedly lead to Raj getting Jay the same way at the next party, and fighting continues. Yes, Mahatma Gandhi would be so proud.
What makes the whole thing even more intriguing is that living in the 6-degrees-of-seperation culture we live in, Raj will probably end up marrying Jay's cousin. That's when things get really interesting. For example, to keep the feud going Jay may not invite Raj to the family barbecue, or worst he may invite him and make him drink Kingfisher while the rest of the family gets to enjoy Johnny Walker Black.
All I'm saying, is that aren't we missing the point here? The real culprit is Express for making more than one kind of the same exact shirt - those bastards! However, I can't blame Express for the stupidity that is "Young Indian Man", but I bet if I researched it a little better I'd find the same situations exist in most cultures.
For example, the following conversation may cause a fight:
Raj: Yo, kid what you gonna wear to the party tonight?
Jay: I was thinking about rocking my new Express shirt
Raj: Oh word, that's cool.
Then both Raj and Jay show up to the party.
Jay: What the fuck bro! I told you I was rockin my new Express shirt and you still wore the same one. That's fucked up shit son. You don't do that to your boy!
Raj: Oh yeah....what you gonna do about you skinny ass punk?
Jay: I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it.
At this point, Jay instead of being a man and taking on Raj, will pull out his cell phone and call 10 of his buddies. "Fellas, we got a code red! Raj, that punk ass is wearing the same shirt as me, I need you guys here right away. He goes down tonight".
Jay: Raj, you know what I shouldn't have over reacted
Raj: That's right, you better know who your talking to
BAM! WHACK!
Just then Raj gets hit over the head with a beer bottle, and 10 of Jay's friends start punching and kicking him, and take the poor guy down. This will undoubtedly lead to Raj getting Jay the same way at the next party, and fighting continues. Yes, Mahatma Gandhi would be so proud.
What makes the whole thing even more intriguing is that living in the 6-degrees-of-seperation culture we live in, Raj will probably end up marrying Jay's cousin. That's when things get really interesting. For example, to keep the feud going Jay may not invite Raj to the family barbecue, or worst he may invite him and make him drink Kingfisher while the rest of the family gets to enjoy Johnny Walker Black.
All I'm saying, is that aren't we missing the point here? The real culprit is Express for making more than one kind of the same exact shirt - those bastards! However, I can't blame Express for the stupidity that is "Young Indian Man", but I bet if I researched it a little better I'd find the same situations exist in most cultures.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
BIO DATA
"BIO DATA." If your an Indian these are 2 of the most scariest words you'll ever hear. It officially signifies that your youth has passed, your still single, and your parents are tired of hearing questions about why your not married yet. For those of you who may not know, Indian parents have 2 great fears. 1 - their child is gay, 2 - there child will remain single after the age of 30. As far as being gay is concerned, its just not allowed. However, if it happens, there is little the parents can do about it. As for the latter, Indian parents have developed an intricate "laissez-faire" system to do everything in their power to get their child married off before the age of 30.
Its quite simple the way it works. During the life of their child they will not permit their children to date, and make them focus on "studies". Then when their child is socially retarded and sent off to college, they will hope the child finds their significant other there. When this does not happen, they panic, and around the age of 26 or 27 if the child is still single they will ask the child to make a Bio Data, or a resume of themselves which they can show other people.
A typical Bio Data contains factual information, as well as astrological information. It typically accompanies a picture of you and looks something like this:
Name: Mr. or Mrs. Patel
Date of Birth: This is very important for Astrological reasons
Height / Wt.: this is usually a lie.
Skin Complexion: for example fair, wheatish, or ashy
Religion: Your either a Hindu, Hindu, or Hindu
Caste: this one can be a deal breaker. Believe it or not, but this one is sometimes also mentioned with information such as the type of Patel you are.
Address: both here, as well as the home in India from which your family has migrated. This is just so we can see if there's anybody that talks smack about you in the motha-land.
Education: this is usually important for the parents
Occupation: I try to write something classy here such as "Part-time pimp/full-time Playaaa", however this one field alone determines your real value in the market.
Hobbies / interests: usually cooking, or traveling
Father's Name:
Mother's Name:
Brother/Sister (s): Their marital status is also listed here
Once this done, these "pimp vouchers" are then traded like stock by parents in the global meat market of 20-something-year old Indians around the world.
What's interesting is the emphasis put on education. You can look like a toe, and be a doctor and the phone will ring off the hook. The ideal catch is a doctor which meets your astrological criteria, and is the right kind of Patel (no pressure here). High honors is also given to Pharmacists, and lawyers. Anything involving IT represents job-security but not a fat bank roll, so parents will usually settle for this, and won't make a big fuss about it.
Although this technique has worked quite well in the past, I've noticed now that its not really doing much. More and more 2nd generation people are growing up and not wanting to get married, and more and more parents are getting disgruntled and having ulcers as a result of this. The new age parents, try to encourage their kids to set themselves up on websites such as http://www.shaadi.com/ which to me seems to be the on-line trading of the pimp-vouchers and the meat market they represent. I truly believe we are getting closer to a day when people will actually be able to trade options on these bio-datas.
As an Indian whose grown up in America this concept is quite foreign, and sounds somewhat insane. However, you can't argue with the results and the numbers. This system, although not perfect has produced many happy unions. I'm now related to several people who have found their match in this meat-market.
Its quite simple the way it works. During the life of their child they will not permit their children to date, and make them focus on "studies". Then when their child is socially retarded and sent off to college, they will hope the child finds their significant other there. When this does not happen, they panic, and around the age of 26 or 27 if the child is still single they will ask the child to make a Bio Data, or a resume of themselves which they can show other people.
A typical Bio Data contains factual information, as well as astrological information. It typically accompanies a picture of you and looks something like this:
Name: Mr. or Mrs. Patel
Date of Birth: This is very important for Astrological reasons
Height / Wt.: this is usually a lie.
Skin Complexion: for example fair, wheatish, or ashy
Religion: Your either a Hindu, Hindu, or Hindu
Caste: this one can be a deal breaker. Believe it or not, but this one is sometimes also mentioned with information such as the type of Patel you are.
Address: both here, as well as the home in India from which your family has migrated. This is just so we can see if there's anybody that talks smack about you in the motha-land.
Education: this is usually important for the parents
Occupation: I try to write something classy here such as "Part-time pimp/full-time Playaaa", however this one field alone determines your real value in the market.
Hobbies / interests: usually cooking, or traveling
Father's Name:
Mother's Name:
Brother/Sister (s): Their marital status is also listed here
Once this done, these "pimp vouchers" are then traded like stock by parents in the global meat market of 20-something-year old Indians around the world.
What's interesting is the emphasis put on education. You can look like a toe, and be a doctor and the phone will ring off the hook. The ideal catch is a doctor which meets your astrological criteria, and is the right kind of Patel (no pressure here). High honors is also given to Pharmacists, and lawyers. Anything involving IT represents job-security but not a fat bank roll, so parents will usually settle for this, and won't make a big fuss about it.
Although this technique has worked quite well in the past, I've noticed now that its not really doing much. More and more 2nd generation people are growing up and not wanting to get married, and more and more parents are getting disgruntled and having ulcers as a result of this. The new age parents, try to encourage their kids to set themselves up on websites such as http://www.shaadi.com/ which to me seems to be the on-line trading of the pimp-vouchers and the meat market they represent. I truly believe we are getting closer to a day when people will actually be able to trade options on these bio-datas.
As an Indian whose grown up in America this concept is quite foreign, and sounds somewhat insane. However, you can't argue with the results and the numbers. This system, although not perfect has produced many happy unions. I'm now related to several people who have found their match in this meat-market.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
StatCounter
