Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Warming Up For The Next Lover

We all travel through life falling in and out of love. For some, it can be a vicious cycle that repeats often, and others only go through it once. Some are even lucky enough to find their true love the first time they meet, and don't even know what it means to fall "out". Its a punishing, and beautiful thing which helps us understand the world, and more importantly ourselves. Some try to put a number on how many times it may happen, and call it destiny or fate, and others well they just understand that what's gotta happen, is gonna happen.

However, there is something that is quite ironic about this entire process. Its not something we like to talk about often, and of course I would like to take this opportunity to do just that. I recently saw a cartoon that reminded me of this strange paradox. The truth is very simply, that each time we go into a relationship we grow more as a person. We make mistakes, and we learn from those mistakes. The kicker, is that the next person who comes along is the one who benefits. So for example, if you were impatient when your girlfriend was getting ready, and always got mad or through a fit, your current girlfriend has to put up with it. However, after that relationship is over, the next girl who comes along will be fortunate enough to have a guy whose not so impatient and gives her the time she needs to get ready.

Does nobody else but me find this nuts! Think about it. You will always be a better person in your next relationship! I find this hilarious and humbling at the same time. Its also the reason why when a guy starts dating a girl for the first time and she does something amazing in bed and drives him wild, he thoroughly enjoys it. Then he begins to did she learn how to do that? Who was the bastard before you who taught her that? Which usually ends to a pointless argument. Of course, as "fate" would have it, this is something the next girl he dates won't have to deal with.

So go on. Do what you gotta do. Date all types of people. Pretty ones, crazy ones, and of course my favorite the horny ones. Learn what you gotta learn. At some point, you might be lucky to find a person who has learned just as much as you, and knows just as much as you, and has been through just as much as you. If you ever find that person at the right time, I guess you might then know what love is.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Holiday Party

It is that time of year. People are making lists of whose been naughty, and whose been nice. Another religious excuse to get drunk is on the horizon, and odds are that if you are in a parking lot somewhere, someone is cursing you out. That's right folks, the holidays are here. Along with all the aforementioned formalities of the Christmas Holiday season, there is one tradition that corporate America follows. Of course I am referring to the company Holiday Party. Most people behave in a socially acceptable way when in an office, however when these same people are placed in front of an open bar and a dance floor the true debauchery is exposed, and the animal within cannot be contained. Undoubtedly this will lead to some cheers, jeers, and a re-enforcement of the sexual harassment class you took on the following business day.

However, as the Indian Guy, I would like to expose you all to a Holiday Party of sorts, that might not be so traditional. I would like to expose you to the world of Holiday Parties for Indian companies. Over the past few years, I've had the unique experience of working for companies who are based out of India. This in and of its self deserves its own blog, however for today's discussion I will stick to the topic at hand. In my experience, there are holiday parties, and there are Holiday Parties - the Indian Way. What's the big deal? You guys don't even celebrate Christmas! What's so special about your party? These are all legitimate questions, but in my experience Indian companies have a way of celebrating holidays that aren't theirs in quite the unique way.

First of all, a fancy banquet hall is usually rented out. It looks typical to start with. You have food, you have booze, you have a questionable and borderline inappropriate DJ, and of course what separates this Holiday Party from all the other HR controlled parties, are the employees. You see employees of an Indian based company tend to be a microcosm of the nation of India its self. They want to let loose, and be themselves, but for worry of perception they manage to keep themselves in check most of the time. However, when celebrating the birth of the Lord (that they don't believe in), inhibition is left at the cubicle. Sarees, business suits, and scandalous dresses make their way into the hall. The first thing you'll notice is that people tend to be a bit more "touchy-feely". By this I mean, a funny remark will get a soft slap on the shoulder (or what I call the love tap), which may not ordinarily be there.

Once the booze starts to pick up steam, things get really interesting. I once saw an Executive get two Johnny Walker blacks neat, and his wife said "Honey, your driving". To which he put up his hand, nodded his head, and softly said those famous words, "Its okay. I'm okay". Which he seemed to be, until he got up and started singing Jingle Bells with an Indian accent. Imagine Abu from the Simpsons, with a slightly slurred speech singing Jingle Bells. Being the good employee that I am, I also encouraged him to sing the "Batman smells" rendition, which I don't think his wife was to fond of.

Now this may not seem like a big deal, but what this did was set a precedent. After everyone saw this guy, people started going nuts. I heard someone yell "I go dry, you die!" to the bartender with a laugh that was more serious than jovial. In my opinion things got really weird, when the 45 yr old Spanish lady started "feeling it". The DJ started playing some hip-hop version of the electric slide and Ms. Latina was all over the dance floor. She was singing, cursing, and shakin her money-maker. Then the DJ played a little bhangra, which got the Indians up in a frenzy and onto the dance floor. Once the dance floor was packed, the DJ did something that was completely unexpected. I was shocked.

You have to understand, that by now the party was in full swing. Corporate jargon was turning into ebonics, and people were yelling things like "Raj, you fuckin Benchod! Take another shot with me" and that was coming from our Administrative Assistant. I had seen a lot of things, but when the DJ started playing Lil' John, I knew the party definitely took a new turn. A turn, that I won't soon forget and this party was definitely kicked into a whole new gear. Now the Indians didn't know what Lil' John was so they just pointed their index fingers in the air, shrugged their shoulders and danced. However, all the Americans were boozed up, and yelling "What! Yeah! ....Okay!". What shocked me the most was when the 45 year old Latin Lady literally "bent ova to the front" and touched her toes. It was like someone flipped a switch and the air was sucked right out of the room.

Lucky for me, after witnessing that miracle, dinner was being served. Greygoose had to wash down every bite after witnessing that. After people had some food in their system, they were a bit calmer, and the party seemed like it was coming to an end. Me and my buddy were waiting to get our coats, and as we are waiting my friend yells out "Oh my gooood! What the hellllll!" I look over to see that the Latin Lady had literally just cuffed my friends ass, and almost lifted him a few inches off the ground! Meanwhile, his pregnant fiance was next to him in shock. After the crazy lady left, he turned and said to me "I feel so cold, and alone". I wanted to give him a hug to comfort my friend, but I was afraid the damage was done.

The best part of Holiday parties is the next day at work. It really is amazing to me how people have selective memory. The crazy lady went up to my friend and said, "Hey, here are the reports let me know what else you need". To which my friend responded, "Oh don't worry, I won't be needing anything else from you, you've done enough".

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Jealousy Factor

From what I've observed, it seems that in all relationships (relationships being a sexual one between a man & a woman), there exists a certain jealousy factor. I can't explain why, but it just seems that at any given moment in time, a certain amount of jealousy emanates from one of the parties, and in retaliation that party tries to overcompensate. Its very difficult to explain, but I think I'm onto something here. I find that this is a completely universal phenomenon, and has nothing to do with your background. If your a guy / girl and your in a relationship, I urge you to be mindful of the Jealousy Factor.

I find that we all go thru life trying out various different types of people. I call this process dating. To me, dating is like a wine tasting. You learn a lot about different wines, and at the same time you also learn what suits your particular palate. Over time, and experience, you are able to identify the type of wine that you like the most. Now, for every person, this process is different, and can often lead to a variety of encounters. However, for some reason, when we get into relationships, we feel the need to share the stories of our journey with our partner. Without question, this ALWAYS happens. For women, it might be a reason to hear the guy explain how everything was wrong until she was found, and for men, well it might be a telling sign of whether or not she will swallow. In any case, we all have our reasons to share.

In my observation, I find, that at some point in time one of the parties just can't handle it. At some point in time, a girl maybe telling her boyfriend "Oh yeah, in my last relationship we used all types of gadgets and toys in bed....", and the boyfriend will just lose it. Its pretty funny when this happens, because the boyfriend is clearly annoyed, yet he tries to play it off like nothing is happening. So what does he do? He will cut her off by saying something dumb, and completely untrue. "Baby, please. You don't even wanna know what I've done. I've been with a girl who used toys too okay!" At this point, the relationship will usually take a turn for the worst. But my favorite, is when the guy and girl are talking about all the things they've done in bed with other people. They will often ask questions like "have you tried this, or done that?". This usually goes on until, one of the parties yells "Mercy!!!" Well, not exactly. But usually either the guy / girl usually hears something that they are truly disgusted with and just blames the other person for being a weirdo or a freak and storms out.

I don't know why people do this, but it always happens. I guess, curiosity is a disease no one is immune to. As a result, we usually find ourselves in conversations we did not want to be in, and then to overcompensate we make up some ridiculous stories. In my observation, those who tend to keep the most quiet when hearing some "wild" story of their partner, are usually the wilder ones in the relationship. I find it absolutely hilarious, when one person says about their partner "Oh, I know him / her, they would never do anything like that", only to walk in on them tied to a bed with a leather mask and a whip waiting on the end table.

I guess all I'm trying to say, is that we all have our own journeys in life, and there is nothing wrong with any of them. Don't try to compare yours to someone else's and try to accept people for the whores that they were, and the loyal lovers they will be.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Orgy Etiquette

According to this article a Hilton employee in Minnesota walked in on an orgy happening in one of the ball rooms at the hotel, and reported it to HR. Unfortunately for her, she was violating what I like to call "Orgy Etiquette" which in this case is a serious enough violation for her to get fired, and rightly so. Seriously! Who does this lady think she is? Who the hell goes in and reports an orgy to HR!? I mean what is wrong with this world? An orgy is a sacred event that is to be cherished and treated like Fight Club. Its so nice to know that some companies actually have a HR department that has the balls to do the right thing.

The way I see it, orgies should have the same rules as fight club:

1st Rule: You do not talk about The Orgy
2nd Rule: You Do NOT talk about The Orgy
3rd Rule: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out the orgy is over
4th Rule: Only 2 guys to a woman
5th Rule: One orgy at a time
6th Rule: No shirts, No shoes
7th Rule: The orgy goes on as long as it has to
8th Rule: If this is your first time at The Orgy, you have to participate

According to this article the woman walked into a banquet hall, at the hotel she worked in and saw the upper management slippin, slidin, and sticking things all over the place. Being the retart that she is she goes and complains to HR. Eventually this leads her to get fired. Now, she is trying to sue Hilton - paaaaleease! Who you think you is lady?

Everyone knows that the proper response would've been for her to simply walk in and say "Listen up, who wants fresh meat?!" I don't know much, but I bet that she probably would've got a promotion instead of being fired if she did that. All I'm saying, is that times are tough and we you gotta use any opportunity you can get to promote yourself and get a "raise" (no pun intended)