Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dumb Mistakes by New Couples - Talkin Too Much

I find that as more and more new couples take a shot at romance, they still make the same stupid mistakes that have been made by humans for generations.  These mistakes, no matter how savvy we become, will undoubtedly continue being made.  I can't stress to you enough, how simple it is to avoid this, but it is simply human nature to "go there".  I am starting off this series of "dumbass-ness" with the most common of these mistakes which is Talkin Too Much.  

What is "Talkin too much?"  Its just that.  Its when a guy and / or girl start dating, and they can't keep their freakin mouth shut, and they ask the questions and say the things that they really don't wanna hear the answer too, but just can't keep their mouths in check and blurt these things out anyway.  I can't even begin to describe how many fights can be avoided, and probably how much sex could be had in its place, if people simply just didn't ask the questions they didn't wanna know the answers to. 

1.  The "How Wild Were You" Conversation
This is probably the one concern all people have when they start dating someone new.  They don't want to know the truth, or at the very least they want to know that they are the "wilder" one.  However, as much as they try they cannot help themselves and start asking this question.  Fellas, let me be the first to tell you that you will probably lose this question.  No matter how much of a player you think you are, there is a good chance that the girl has probably done more freaky stuff than you, simply because its easier for her to do so.  I'm sure you don't want to hear about how on spring break she was on the "Girls Gone Wild" video but it was just "innocent fun". But, it doesn't matter.  Because no matter how much I tell you this, your still gonna ask "what's the wildest thing you've ever done?", and believe me, the answer is not gonna be "This one time in band camp...we got sooo drunk".  More like "this one time, when me and my ex were making a video...."

2. The "How many people did you hook up with before me" Conversation
This is always dangerous.  The truth is that women are like sexual ninjas and men are like sexual barbarians.   Women they do their damage by using the art of deception, stealth, and speed whereas men try to do their sexual damage by being loud, making a scene, and then yelling in victory.  As I learned from watching the Deadliest Warrior, the Ninja is much more effective.  What I'm trying to say is that no matter how much of a player you think you were before you started dating this girl, there is a very good chance she has done more than you with more people than you.  She will probably comfortably lie about this to your face, so you don't hurt your feelings and can still feel like your "the man".  However, the truth hurts, and you can't handle it.  

3. The "How Compatible for Each Other Do You Think We Are?" Conversation
If you don't listen to anything else, please just heed this advice.  If your girlfriend asks you whether or not you think the two of you are meant for each other, no matter what always say YES!  Do not, I repeat, do not ever say "we should find out".  This is a one way ticket back to the no sex house, where righty and lefty are your only friends.  Saying something as stupid and as irresponsible as this will probably cause your girlfriend to ask you to logon to and make a profile based on your "various dimensions" of compatibility.  Odds are, you will find out that the ideal mate for you is a nymphomatic chimpanzee who knows how poor a cold beer and order a mean pizza.  You do not want this to be the case.  She will realize your not compatible, and she deserves more than a beer-pouring, pizza-ordering, chimp-loving guy.

4. The "Would you still love me if...?" Conversation
For some reason, it seems that all couples reach a point in their relationship where they are just absolutely, and truly "in love" or as I like to call it - LaLa Land.  They reach this heavenly place, where nothing can take away from how much they love each other, and how much they want to be each other.  Nothing of course, except their own big mouths.  Most people reach this stage and they start saying "I love you" a million times more, and in public, and they make the rest of society want to puke.  However, this stage does eventually get boring and they start saying stupid things.  For example "Would you still love me if I gained weight?"  The guy may respond, "Of course, I love the person that you are".   However, the guy might come back and ask "Would you still love me if I grew bald?"  The girl may probably have a similarly disgusting I love you response.  However, one of the two will eventually say something like "would you still love me if I lost my job", and just to be funny the other will say "Of course I'll love you, but I'll probably have an affair on the side, just to pay the bills".  This can lead to a sharp object being tossed at your head and the realization that the real product of love is much more different than it is shown in commercial advertisements.

5. The "What is the one thing you'd change about me" Conversation
I don't understand why people will never be content with themselves.  However, they will always insist that there must be something their partner does not like about them.  As a result they will ask "If there is one thing you can change about me, what is it?"  The guy will probably respond by saying "Well, I love you exactly the way you are, but I would change the raging bitch you turn into during your period".  Whereas, the girl would probably respond by saying "I wish you would stop bullshitting about how cool you think you are".  Either way, your taking the relationship to an unwanted place.

Although I'm sure many of you can think of stupid conversations that new couples have, I thought I'd keep the list at five.  Just remember, you can't change the past and its because we have one we are who we are today.  So stop getting mad at who the nymphomaniacal, alcohol-abusing person your new love used to be and try to enjoy them for the degenerate they are today.  

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Man's Evolution to Dating

The more I observe and see things in life, the more I realize that as time passes we improve, adapt, and re-apply ourselves. In most situations that we do for the first time, we make mistakes, however we are able to adapt so that we do not make the same mistakes again. This allows us to improve ourselves, and ultimately our world. However, it also allows us to make room for new mistakes. In no place is this simple evolution more visible, than in the world of dating, and that too in the world of men.

I find, that men evolve when it comes to dating. Its very funny to see. As I get older, I see the rookie mistakes, and smooth veteran moves. However, ultimately, I find that all men of all races and ethnic backgrounds probably go through 5 unique stages.

1. I can't believe its happening
- This is usually a universal beginning. Its quite amazing to see. For many young Indian men, this moment of realization happens when they are grinding up on a drunken masala honey, and she ain't pushing him away. He will usually screw this up by insisting on giving his buddy a hi five as he passes. However, this is not just limited to young, dumb, college kids of Indian backgrounds. Most of the time the guy is shocked that someone fell for his corny pick up line, or that some chick is just drunk enough to jump up on his junk, and its quite unexpected, yet completely enjoyable. Of all the stages, this is the most funniest because the genuine shock and pure joy the opposite sex can have on a man is beyond least for the first time.

2. Its a Numbers Game
- Pretty much all men try to work on their sequence of repeated moves they are willing to do over and over again until it actually works on a woman. This is otherwise known as their "game". Now most guys will adopt some technique such as wearing their favorite cologne, or favorite sweater and maybe complimenting at least 3 girls on their hair and seeing where it goes. Others, such as people I'm friends with pretty much treat women like a stock broker treats a lead. The more he calls, the more he is likely to close. Pretty much they will walk into a club and assess how many females there are. They will then make it their goal to at least try to smack their crotch into the behinds of 80% of the females in the room. It doesn't matter what the result is. However, they will drink enough booze to give them the liquid courage to embark on this mission, and they will boldly go where no man has gone before. These are the guys that usually will hook up with a girl in a club. Mainly because the probability of finding a girl that is drunk enough and willing to hook up with you exponentially increases as you give up your pride and get rid of your shame.

3. Method To The Madness
- At this point, our dear fellow has killed many brain cells, and is a veteran of the drinking-flirting-puking-passing-out routine. He has done it so many times that in fact he has developed some pattern and regular sequence of actions that yield a somewhat predictable result with women. It is at this phase that a person understands that dating is a game that has rules, and just like The Matrix "some can be bent, and others can be broken" its all about how you use your mind. For example, a person at this stage of the Dating Evolution may ask a girl to dance, and if she politely rejects he would be prepared with a smooth line such as "Well sweetheart, you looked to good for me not to at least take a chance on a dance. Life is too short to pass up on such rare opportunities". Which will probably make the girl say something like "Well since you put it that way, I guess one dance won't hurt". It is in this phase the transfer of power happens. It is at this point in life where guys usually get some confidence in themselves, and their abilities and girls lose that power to make a guy act like an idiot. Its a rare, yet beautiful transition to see the hunter finally learning how to hunt. However, he is still not refined, and will do things to ruin his good fortunes by asking if the girl is interested in a threesome with him and his room mate (Whose got your back dude?).

4. Smooth Operator
- This is the phase where the guy usually learns to say all the right things, but is not quite a skillful dater. At this point a guy is probably done with school, and has somewhat refined his taste. For example, he will now at least drink a Coors Light and let go of the "Natty Ice". He may even start reading about different things that interest him. This will all undoubtedly lead to the guy becoming a more interesting person, and therefore making him more interesting to women. At this point, the guy can probably get a dinner date with a girl at the coffee shop, or even maybe make it to the movies with the dog-walker he sees on his way to work every day. However, he will still trip over his own feet by doing things like discussing politics on a first date and perhaps calling his date a "commie" and losing any chance of getting laid that he probably had.

5. The Ladies Man
To me this is the final stage of a man's development in the evolution of dating. At this point, the guy cares about his career, has unique interests, takes care of what he looks like and most importantly has the utmost confidence in himself. I happen to know a few folks like this and it is amazing what they can do with their power. They can tell women things like "you have amazingly huge and beautiful breasts" but then follow it up with something so smooth that the woman has no choice but to take it as a sincere compliment that came from a "good place"...his pants. These are the few, the proud, the ladies men who can pick up a woman at a bus station, or a wine tasting. They usually come off as someone you'd be honored to have to be violated by. In my mind the supreme example of this would be Mr. Bill Clinton. The man is so smooth, that fucking him would make you famous.

All in all, as individuals we all have phases we go through. Each phase adds life experience, a bunch of mistakes that are made, and more importantly a lesson in how not to make those mistakes again. Ultimately as individuals this adds to our confidence, and with each passing phase we become more and more confident in ourselves. Which as men, allows us to do the one thing we were wired to do - get laid.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Common Mistake With the New Girlfriend

Ah yes, the days of being single. When you can grind up on anyone you want, say anything you want, and not have anyone to answer to the next day except your buddy who is only there to tell you all the details that you couldn't remember in your inebriated state of mind. Its a beautiful thing - the single life. I highly recommend everyone try it at least once. Just so you know why its necessary to have a significant other to accomplish progress in life. Otherwise, if I didn't have anyone pushin me, I'd probably be found laying on the floor with my receipts from last night, with dollar bills crumpled in my pockets, and a weird taste of hookah, budweiser, and Ciroc taking turns dancing on my taste buds. It would be wonderful, but it wouldn't be productive.

Being "The Indian Guy", I want to take a moment to school some of you rookie guys on a mistake you are bound to make when you go from being single to being in a relationship. When you're single and you go out, its no holds barred. Everyone is up for grabs (sometimes literally), and you go out there and make a fool of yourself. You can use all the cheesy pick-up lines, and work all your "game" and its okay. Your a nut-case, and in many cases you might even be "that guy". You know, the one who makes a fool of himself by drinking too much, but usually ends up creating situations where everyone has fun. All of this is well, and good, and even encouraged.

One of the biggest tools in your arsenal when you're single is your ability to dance. If you can move, and you look descent, and smell okay, there is a good chance a young lady might let you bang your crotch against her caboose. Again, this is well and good, and even encouraged. If you're not a social retart there is even a good chance that you have a group of people you go out with that is a mix of boys/girls. Some of those girls are "just friends" and some of them are girlfriends of friends and you know these girls are "off limit" or "out of bounds". However, after a few drinks, they get all silly with you and dance with you in a flirtatious manner knowing that you mean no harm. Again, nothing wrong with this as long as its just fun and silliness. Usually, if your single for a long time, this becomes a re-occurring thing. Where you go out with your friends, and their girlfriends, and your "girl friends" and you get drunk and dance with them and nothing happens. Sometimes it may get risque, but you never cross the line. At some point, its no big deal and it just becomes part of your behaviour. Taking a shot of soco and lime, then "booty-bumping" your boy's girlfriend is a funny joke.

Then one day you get a girlfriend.

Everything changes.

However, you are a moron, and you don't change! Trust me fellas, this is a classic way to get into your first fight with your new girlfriend. On one hand, you had fun being single, on the other hand, you enjoy sex with another human being.

Most guys after dating the new girl for a while want to bring her around to meet their friends and their girlfriends. So you all get together, and you go out, and old habits die hard. Before you know it, your taking a Soco & Lime shot and booty-bumping your friend's girlfriend again! Big mistake.

What's worst, is that most men don't realize how territorial women can be. In many instances, your "girl friends" or your buddy's girlfriend's had you on demand. If they came up to you and started dancing you would follow suit, because you were single and had nothing else to do. Now, that you have a girlfriend, they will still try the same things, and your dumb ass will forget about your new girlfriend and probably go dancing with them. However, if you do not, and decide to stay with your girlfriend, than it just agitates them even more because they can't have you "on demand" and they start using every man's kryptonite. Provocative gyration of the female body.
Now, if your a veteran of the game, you keep cool and allow your girlfriend to start making out with you in front of them, and thereby claiming her territory (kind of like a dog peeing on a tree). However, there's a good chance your an idiot, and will go dance with your buddy's girlfriend or your "girl friend". In which case, that will be the girl who has claimed her territory. If its the latter, than I'm sorry to say, you are not getting laid by your new girlfriend. Someone just took over the tree she is supposed to pee on, and she ain't happy. Undoubtedly, you will not be allowed to see your friends for a while, and will probably have to do something to make up for it such as go tampon shopping with her.

In either case, I strongly urge all guys that are new in a relationship to be conscious of how stupid you really are and were when you were single. You may think that you are more mature, but "Frank the Tank" is still in there somewhere, and you never know when he will come out. Be smart, and you will be rewarded in the form of fornication, otherwise, its back to the drawing board.