R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I can't take this anymore! Things are getting out of control, and someone needs to say something! Men, of all ages and backgrounds need to agree with me on this one and revolt! Yes, I'm talking about the lack of RESPECT a man has to put up with AFTER he gets into a relationship.

Let's be honest, when guys are single, they are free-willed, free-tongued, and free-spirited. When they get into a relationship, they give up some of these freedoms for love (but most times sex). However, nowadays, it seems more and more that women are taking our quietness to be weakness. It happened to me, and I was a victim, but I didn't say anything. Than I saw a buddy in the same situation. Finally, I had to speak out.

To make my point, let me give you an example:

Girlfriend: I need help with my paper, I just don't understand how derivatives are calculated in the financial market

Boyfriend: Hey sweetheart, I'm in the financial market, and I work on derivatives all day, I can help you

Girlfriend: Na, but you don't know what your talking about. This is different. You won't get it

Boyfriend: I'm telling you sweetheart, its not that complicated. Derivatives are just financial contracts, where the value of the contract is derived from something else.

Girlfriend: I don't know, that doesn't sound right. I'm gonna ask someone else.

At this point the girlfriend will then call a random friend who will tell her "Derivatives are just financial contracts, where the value of the contract is derived from something else." At which point the boyfriend will say "I told you", and the girlfriend will just dismiss him.

I don't understand how this happens. Before guys and girls start dating they are completely infatuated with each other, and there is a healthy respect for the other person's point of view. Then when you become the boyfriend you also become the dumb ass that doesn't know how to do anything. The woman completely disregards his opinions, and the stops giving a sh*t and becomes like Al Bundy. Then women wonder, why this happened.

Ladies, listen up. Just because we may not know the exact way to pick out a towel to accentuate a bathroom, doesn't mean we're not good at what we do. I once heard a girl say to her boyfriend who was a doctor, "Oh, you won't get it, I'm gonna ask a real doctor". If that was me, I'd probably knock her up and then during labor, I'd say "Oh, I'm gonna get a real girlfriend".

All I'm trying to say ladies, is that you gotta have a little faith in your instincts. Your sexual instincts told you to date/sleep-with/marry a guy for a reason. Trust your instincts, and have a little faith in your man when he tells you he can do something. Of course guys, please don't screw this up because you only get one chance. After that, you are the dumb ass that can't get anything right. You will forever be laughed at by your girlfriend's friends and will never be allowed to engage in any thoughtful conversation.

So in the words of Ms. Franklin "Yeah, baby, I want a little respect".

Stereotypes

Let's face it. As people, we are wired to generalize. Its not our fault, its just that reality can be so overwhelming at times. For example, if you go to 5 different Best Buy stores and had a miserable experience with their customer service representative, and let's say for example that all of them happen to be Black, you will assume that all Black people are horrible with customer service. Is this true? Of course not, I'm sure somewhere out there is a Black person who is also good at customer service. These generalizations, can almost occur for anything. I"m not just limiting it to race. It can be generalizations about race, ethnicity, religion, and even sex. For example, all men are horny (okay, maybe this one is true).

For the last decade or so, Indians have been working very hard to wash off some of the generalizations and stereotypes made about us. Lets be honest. Everyone always would make fun of Indians and call them smelly, weird, or people who eat monkey brains (thanks Indiana Jones). However, in the last few years with Indians cracking the top 5 wealthiest people in the world, the emergence of Aishwarya Rai, and of course Slumdog Millionaire, Brown is the new Black. Thanks to Harold and Kumar Indians can be pot heads, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta even gives us a nice little advantage in making Indians look smart.

However, morons like this guy are really not helping our cause. If you read this story an Indian dad who fathered 7 daughters has decided not to wash himself in 35 years in an attempt to hopefully father a son! What the hell man!!!!! What are you doing?!!!? He supposedly takes a "fire bath" which in his own warped freakin opinion is just as good as a "water bath" for killing germs. Of course, the rest of society disagrees and the guy lost his job, and no one wants to be near him.

I'm pretty sure that this regimen will guarantee at least one thing. He probably won't give birth to another daughter. In fact, I'll be pretty freakin surprised if anyone gets close enough to him so that he has a chance to father anything else at this point. By the way the guy is in his 60's and still gunning for a son. I guess that's another stereotype of Indians - stubborn.

Age Vs. The Indian Woman

For generations now, there has been an unspoken battle happening right before our eyes. It may not seem so obvious, but right in front of us, an epic battle has always been taking place, and will continue to do so. That is right, I am referring to the battle of Indian Women, versus Age. No matter what they try to do, Indian women (like the rest of the world) will lose to the forces of time and age. However, as most of us continue to get older and accept that we are no longer as fast or as crazy as we once were, Indian women refuse to let age take them down this way!

So what do they do? They try to defy time of course! They try to defy age, and they do this by making most men around them miserable. Whether your a son, a husband, a brother, or relative to an aging Indian women, you will have felt the fury of her trying to fight off age. At this point you might be thinking "Indian Guy, you're a moron! What are you talking about?" I will tell you exactly what I'm talking about.

Most people in this world, can accept that as time goes on they will get older. Most people can also accept that as they get older their services may not be needed as much as they once were since there are younger faster people able to provide them. BUT NOT INDIAN WOMEN! Indian women, try to defy time and age, by forcing themselves to be relevant! We all know this happens, but no one wants to say it. As they get older Indian women just insist on taking on more and more things.

"Dinner for 500 people, I'm 55 years old, but I'll do it!" "Hey you need help changing that spare tire? I'm 60 with a replaced hip, but I can help". "I think I'm gonna take my walker, and go out their and cut the grass". These are all things I think you'll hear older Indian women say.

For some reason, I feel like as they grow older Indian women just don't feel relevant, and to compensate for this feeling they take on bigger and bigger challenges to show that "they still got it". What's worst, is that they present these humongous tasks, and then offer to do the tasks themselves. I was once having a conversation with an older Indian Lady who actually insisted on cooking for 600 people, even though her shoulder had surgery done to it, and she's in her 50's.

All I'm saying, is that growing old is not easy for anybody. However, to deny it is just bad for your health, and even worst for the younger people around you, because eventually you won't be able to take on the monumental tasks and those around you will have to do it for you. Trust me, now matter how much someone loves you, I'm sure they'd rather not be doing something you "volunteered" them for.

Things Guys Are Jealous Of

Most people who study human behaviour tend to lean towards the school of thought that women are the jealous type.  That may be true, and I'm sure there are several examples of this going all the way back to the Greek Gods and Goddesses.  However, men also have the ability to fall under the trap of jealousy.  It is not something many men will admit, but I the Indian Guy will attempt to give you a list of a few things that guys might occasionally get a little bit jealous about.  My "little bit jealous" these things may cause us to over react and do things like set your car on fire.  But hey, guys deal with these things differently from the way women do.

1. The Good Looking Fatso

Let me be the first to tell you that we men, are NOT jealous of a guy that eats healthy, works out six hours a day and is in the best shape of his life.  He probably looks great, and has a rock hard 6 pack on his abs to show for all his hard work.  We ARE jealous of the bastard that brushes his teeth with burritos, and eats 15 hamburgers a day and washes all that down with a gallon of sugary lard known as a milkshake, and still is in the best shape of his life.  This jerk, we cannot stand.  We hate this jerk so much, that we in fact try to go toe-to-toe with him when we see him and using our manly macho-ness we challenge him to hamburger eating contests.  While we suffer from heart attacks, he picks up our newly single women, and he's full.  What a jerk.

2. The Neat Car

Again, let me clarify that we are not jealous of a guy who works hard and every week puts effort into cleaning his car.  We are jealous of the guy who is so fricken rich that he has a bunch of people working for him constantly keeping his car clean.  This guy we can't stand because he is usually driving a nicer car than us, and probably pays more to the guy who details his car every day than you paid for your car.

3. The Celebu-tart

In my experience most guys understand that people like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are blessed enough to be good-lookin dudes, and can actually act.  As a result, they are rewarded handsomely with Angelina Jolie, a ton of money, and 50 babies from Africa.  That is something most guys can digest.  The fact that some guys just seem to be born with it.  What we cannot stand are the celebu-tarts like Paris Hilton who make millions of dollars for saying "That's Hot" and showing up at a club.  This is something most guys are jealous of, however we'd be willing to switch spots with them in a heart beat.

4. Trust Fund Babies

There are people in this world who are blessed enough to be born into wealth.  We hate these people.  These people are the ones who use Evian water to wash their hair and have no idea what the real world is like.  Kind of like Buddha before he left his kingdom.  Most of these people end up getting whatever they want, and don't have to work for it.  This is something most of us would love, but don't have and as a result we do feel the rage of jealousy.  

5. Women

Yes, I said it.  Guys at times, can be jealous of women.  I will be the first to admit this.  Every time a woman bats her eyes and gets out of a speeding ticket, or has someone at a retail store show her "extra" customer service it freakin drives me nuts.  The reason it drives me nuts, is because no matter how many times I bat my eyes, or how far I extend my chest I know I will never get the same type of treatment.  Its a shame, and it doesn't have to be that way.  Unfortunately, I just have to know that if I'm lost in a store and need to find a shirt, I'm gonna have to do it my damn self.

All in all, I think guys can be jealous.  Some clearly more than others.  However, I think its okay to admit to these things.  After all, they say that the first step in solving a problem, is admitting you have one.

Being Kidnapped

If your a guy, and your not socially retarded, there is a good chance that you probably have a few buddies.  Every guy has "his boys".  These are the guys he goes to for advice in life, and ironically enough he also prefers to kill some brain cells with the same guys.  There is a good chance that you've been friends with these people for some time now, and every once in a while they will kidnap you.  

Now, I don't mean this in the traditional sense, but all guys at some point get kidnapped by their friends.  It starts out with a casual phone call such as "Hey bro, I'm in your area, wanna grab a drink and catch up?"  Sounds innocent enough.  You get to the bar, and you start talking about what's happening in life.  "Yeah man, tonight I gotta go help the girlfriend with ____"  Usually one guy will start out telling the other something that he has to get done later that day.

Then it happens.

A couple of drinks in, your best friend has officially kidnapped you.  He has called all your other degenerate friends, and the night is officially on.  You were supposed to have ONE drink, and go home and be a responsible member of society.  Instead, your buddy takes your cell phone, and calls your girlfriend for you and tells her that you will not be able to make it, and its all his fault.  You've officially been kidnapped.  At this point, the vodka flows like a waterfall, and you are going to wake up tomorrow with a massive hangover.

Lucky for you, your buddy has a couch.  The couch is also quite symbolic.  Its probably where you will be sleeping in your own home for a while.  Afterwards, you make the walk of shame back home, and try to muster up your best puppy dog face and try to find some reasonable excuse as to why you didn't do what you were supposed to.  

In the end, you just know that you are who you are, and it was gonna happen anyway.  So you take your headache, and you get to work, and finish it up.  You may not be feeling well physically, but emotionally your a satisfied man.  

Dumb Mistakes by New Couples - Talkin Too Much

I find that as more and more new couples take a shot at romance, they still make the same stupid mistakes that have been made by humans for generations.  These mistakes, no matter how savvy we become, will undoubtedly continue being made.  I can't stress to you enough, how simple it is to avoid this, but it is simply human nature to "go there".  I am starting off this series of "dumbass-ness" with the most common of these mistakes which is Talkin Too Much.  

What is "Talkin too much?"  Its just that.  Its when a guy and / or girl start dating, and they can't keep their freakin mouth shut, and they ask the questions and say the things that they really don't wanna hear the answer too, but just can't keep their mouths in check and blurt these things out anyway.  I can't even begin to describe how many fights can be avoided, and probably how much sex could be had in its place, if people simply just didn't ask the questions they didn't wanna know the answers to. 

1.  The "How Wild Were You" Conversation

This is probably the one concern all people have when they start dating someone new.  They don't want to know the truth, or at the very least they want to know that they are the "wilder" one.  However, as much as they try they cannot help themselves and start asking this question.  Fellas, let me be the first to tell you that you will probably lose this question.  No matter how much of a player you think you are, there is a good chance that the girl has probably done more freaky stuff than you, simply because its easier for her to do so.  I'm sure you don't want to hear about how on spring break she was on the "Girls Gone Wild" video but it was just "innocent fun". But, it doesn't matter.  Because no matter how much I tell you this, your still gonna ask "what's the wildest thing you've ever done?", and believe me, the answer is not gonna be "This one time in band camp...we got sooo drunk".  More like "this one time, when me and my ex were making a video...."

2. The "How many people did you hook up with before me" Conversation

This is always dangerous.  The truth is that women are like sexual ninjas and men are like sexual barbarians.   Women they do their damage by using the art of deception, stealth, and speed whereas men try to do their sexual damage by being loud, making a scene, and then yelling in victory.  As I learned from watching the Deadliest Warrior, the Ninja is much more effective.  What I'm trying to say is that no matter how much of a player you think you were before you started dating this girl, there is a very good chance she has done more than you with more people than you.  She will probably comfortably lie about this to your face, so you don't hurt your feelings and can still feel like your "the man".  However, the truth hurts, and you can't handle it.  

3. The "How Compatible for Each Other Do You Think We Are?" Conversation

If you don't listen to anything else, please just heed this advice.  If your girlfriend asks you whether or not you think the two of you are meant for each other, no matter what always say YES!  Do not, I repeat, do not ever say "we should find out".  This is a one way ticket back to the no sex house, where righty and lefty are your only friends.  Saying something as stupid and as irresponsible as this will probably cause your girlfriend to ask you to logon to eharmony.com and make a profile based on your "various dimensions" of compatibility.  Odds are, you will find out that the ideal mate for you is a nymphomatic chimpanzee who knows how poor a cold beer and order a mean pizza.  You do not want this to be the case.  She will realize your not compatible, and she deserves more than a beer-pouring, pizza-ordering, chimp-loving guy.

4. The "Would you still love me if...?" Conversation

For some reason, it seems that all couples reach a point in their relationship where they are just absolutely, and truly "in love" or as I like to call it - LaLa Land.  They reach this heavenly place, where nothing can take away from how much they love each other, and how much they want to be each other.  Nothing of course, except their own big mouths.  Most people reach this stage and they start saying "I love you" a million times more, and in public, and they make the rest of society want to puke.  However, this stage does eventually get boring and they start saying stupid things.  For example "Would you still love me if I gained weight?"  The guy may respond, "Of course, I love the person that you are".   However, the guy might come back and ask "Would you still love me if I grew bald?"  The girl may probably have a similarly disgusting I love you response.  However, one of the two will eventually say something like "would you still love me if I lost my job", and just to be funny the other will say "Of course I'll love you, but I'll probably have an affair on the side, just to pay the bills".  This can lead to a sharp object being tossed at your head and the realization that the real product of love is much more different than it is shown in commercial advertisements.

5. The "What is the one thing you'd change about me" Conversation

I don't understand why people will never be content with themselves.  However, they will always insist that there must be something their partner does not like about them.  As a result they will ask "If there is one thing you can change about me, what is it?"  The guy will probably respond by saying "Well, I love you exactly the way you are, but I would change the raging bitch you turn into during your period".  Whereas, the girl would probably respond by saying "I wish you would stop bullshitting about how cool you think you are".  Either way, your taking the relationship to an unwanted place.

Although I'm sure many of you can think of stupid conversations that new couples have, I thought I'd keep the list at five.  Just remember, you can't change the past and its because we have one we are who we are today.  So stop getting mad at who the nymphomaniacal, alcohol-abusing person your new love used to be and try to enjoy them for the degenerate they are today.  

Man's Evolution to Dating

The more I observe and see things in life, the more I realize that as time passes we improve, adapt, and re-apply ourselves. In most situations that we do for the first time, we make mistakes, however we are able to adapt so that we do not make the same mistakes again. This allows us to improve ourselves, and ultimately our world. However, it also allows us to make room for new mistakes. In no place is this simple evolution more visible, than in the world of dating, and that too in the world of men.

I find, that men evolve when it comes to dating. Its very funny to see. As I get older, I see the rookie mistakes, and smooth veteran moves. However, ultimately, I find that all men of all races and ethnic backgrounds probably go through 5 unique stages.

1. I can't believe its happening
- This is usually a universal beginning. Its quite amazing to see. For many young Indian men, this moment of realization happens when they are grinding up on a drunken masala honey, and she ain't pushing him away. He will usually screw this up by insisting on giving his buddy a hi five as he passes. However, this is not just limited to young, dumb, college kids of Indian backgrounds. Most of the time the guy is shocked that someone fell for his corny pick up line, or that some chick is just drunk enough to jump up on his junk, and its quite unexpected, yet completely enjoyable. Of all the stages, this is the most funniest because the genuine shock and pure joy the opposite sex can have on a man is beyond words...at least for the first time.

2. Its a Numbers Game
- Pretty much all men try to work on their sequence of repeated moves they are willing to do over and over again until it actually works on a woman. This is otherwise known as their "game". Now most guys will adopt some technique such as wearing their favorite cologne, or favorite sweater and maybe complimenting at least 3 girls on their hair and seeing where it goes. Others, such as people I'm friends with pretty much treat women like a stock broker treats a lead. The more he calls, the more he is likely to close. Pretty much they will walk into a club and assess how many females there are. They will then make it their goal to at least try to smack their crotch into the behinds of 80% of the females in the room. It doesn't matter what the result is. However, they will drink enough booze to give them the liquid courage to embark on this mission, and they will boldly go where no man has gone before. These are the guys that usually will hook up with a girl in a club. Mainly because the probability of finding a girl that is drunk enough and willing to hook up with you exponentially increases as you give up your pride and get rid of your shame.

3. Method To The Madness
- At this point, our dear fellow has killed many brain cells, and is a veteran of the drinking-flirting-puking-passing-out routine. He has done it so many times that in fact he has developed some pattern and regular sequence of actions that yield a somewhat predictable result with women. It is at this phase that a person understands that dating is a game that has rules, and just like The Matrix "some can be bent, and others can be broken" its all about how you use your mind. For example, a person at this stage of the Dating Evolution may ask a girl to dance, and if she politely rejects he would be prepared with a smooth line such as "Well sweetheart, you looked to good for me not to at least take a chance on a dance. Life is too short to pass up on such rare opportunities". Which will probably make the girl say something like "Well since you put it that way, I guess one dance won't hurt". It is in this phase the transfer of power happens. It is at this point in life where guys usually get some confidence in themselves, and their abilities and girls lose that power to make a guy act like an idiot. Its a rare, yet beautiful transition to see the hunter finally learning how to hunt. However, he is still not refined, and will do things to ruin his good fortunes by asking if the girl is interested in a threesome with him and his room mate (Whose got your back dude?).

4. Smooth Operator
- This is the phase where the guy usually learns to say all the right things, but is not quite a skillful dater. At this point a guy is probably done with school, and has somewhat refined his taste. For example, he will now at least drink a Coors Light and let go of the "Natty Ice". He may even start reading about different things that interest him. This will all undoubtedly lead to the guy becoming a more interesting person, and therefore making him more interesting to women. At this point, the guy can probably get a dinner date with a girl at the coffee shop, or even maybe make it to the movies with the dog-walker he sees on his way to work every day. However, he will still trip over his own feet by doing things like discussing politics on a first date and perhaps calling his date a "commie" and losing any chance of getting laid that he probably had.

5. The Ladies Man
To me this is the final stage of a man's development in the evolution of dating. At this point, the guy cares about his career, has unique interests, takes care of what he looks like and most importantly has the utmost confidence in himself. I happen to know a few folks like this and it is amazing what they can do with their power. They can tell women things like "you have amazingly huge and beautiful breasts" but then follow it up with something so smooth that the woman has no choice but to take it as a sincere compliment that came from a "good place"...his pants. These are the few, the proud, the ladies men who can pick up a woman at a bus station, or a wine tasting. They usually come off as someone you'd be honored to have to be violated by. In my mind the supreme example of this would be Mr. Bill Clinton. The man is so smooth, that fucking him would make you famous.

All in all, as individuals we all have phases we go through. Each phase adds life experience, a bunch of mistakes that are made, and more importantly a lesson in how not to make those mistakes again. Ultimately as individuals this adds to our confidence, and with each passing phase we become more and more confident in ourselves. Which as men, allows us to do the one thing we were wired to do - get laid.