Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Giving Thanks

Its that time of year again. The trees are naked, the air is cold, football is in full swing, and we are humbled once again. For it is that time of year when the Native Americans traded some corn with the Europeans who later turned out to be their "Frenemies". However, the important thing to remember is that this is the time of year when we enjoy the two days off from work, stay at home with the ones we love, and fill our bellies and our hearts with cholesterol, fat, and love. But more importantly, it is the time of year when we give "thanks". Its not an easy thing to do. We are always griping and bitching about the things we don't have in our every day lives, that we overlook all the wonderful things we do actually have. With that being said, I The Indian Guy would like to share what I'm thankful for.

The first and most important thing I am thankful for this time of year is the Patel Convention. What is the Patel Convention you may ask? Well just as the royal families in history wanted to make sure they stayed in power and kept all the riches in the family, the Patels of this world, are continuing this tradition in today's day and age. The Patel Community of the world has accomplished and achieved a lot. To keep these accomplishments for themselves, the Patel's designed a system wherein their kids can marry other Patels, and not let anyone else in and ruin the "chosen blood". That's right, the Patel Convention is the meat market of the Patel community, and it is where kids go to find a future "partner" in marriage (or for the night), and parents go to congregate and vent about how old their kids are getting and not finding anyone. You see, in the Patel community, having a child that is not married past their mid-20's is a disgrace to the family and the parents of the child may even feel like they ruined the world with an ugly child or even worst, maybe they have to admit that they are not capable of producing pretty children because they are not pretty. NO! That is not the case, for Patels are not allowed to be ugly! Thank god, all is safe.

The next thing I am thankful for is the Patel Women of the Patel Convention. Ah yes, there are few things in this world that are as unique as a Patel Woman at the Patel Convention. There are not too many women who have the ability to grind with you, maybe even hook up with you, and then tell you that you are not worthy of dating because you come from New Jersey and you must be a "playa". Just because two people hook up after 5 minutes of talking and 2 shots, does not make the guy a "playa" because he's from Jersey. It makes the girl a "fun" girl, and the guy an "opportunity seizer". It sure is a beautiful thing when a girl who you try to hook one of your friends up with, gets mad at you because YOU were not interested in her. However, you didn't want to ask her out for yourself because she was older than you by a couple of years, and Patel women are just not comfortable with dating a younger guy (even if he reads at an older level). However, after you do ask her out and date her, she has the right to be mad at you for being too young. Only a Patel woman can make you feel special and stupid at the same time. It truly is a rare thing.

Another thing I am grateful for of course are the guys of the Patel convention. You see, Patel guys don't like to be too confrontational, however they can be extremely competitive. So what do they do? Well, they cock block, but not in the traditional way. The Patel convention is the one place in the world, where a guy can compliment you so much that you actually look bad. How can this be? How would you even go about doing this? Well, the savvy Patel hater has developed a way. For example, when you are talking to a girl, a guy that you've never seen may come up to you in front of the girl and say something like "Yo! What's up bro! Man, this guy is such a player! I can't even believe how many women this guy was with last night. You're the man bro!". He will drop this little bomb, and then walk away, and also watch the girl get disgusted by your promiscuous ways, and leave. Thanks a lot douche bag! However, not all the Patel guys are bad, there's just a few rotten apples. The Patel Convention is the one place where you will probably make more friends with guys than with girls. Its probably the one place where you will meet another fellow Patel who thinks your cool and will buy you a drink from the other side of the room, just because its a Friday afternoon and the game is on and your not working. Its also the one case where guys may even get a bit too drunk and start telling you their dark secrets such as "Bro, I barely know you, but I feel like I can trust you with this. I met a girl, but I have a crush on her mom, and I can't control myself. I'm gonna make my move at Garba tonight".

All in all, I am thankful for the convention of Patels and the many memories it has given me. Its the place where I first got wasted, and the place where I will always go to feel at home. Although I may not find my wife there, I know its the one place I belong. To call the Patel Convention a failure just because you don't find your marriage partner is like calling Hugh Hefner a failure for not finding true love. Sure, he may not have exactly what he's looking for, but I think most of us would settle for what he's got.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Guys Night

I would like to respectfully submit a new term to be used for today's society. I hereby submit "Manledge". I think all guys in their 20's should have Manledge. I think a course in every educational institution should be provided for Manledge. What is "Manledge" you may ask? Manledge is the knowledge that all guys should have to be succesfull in today's society. For example, a course on Manledge would teach a man in his 20's/30's (since 30 is the new 20) to:

1. Know how to get into a club
2. Order a bottle of wine
3. Have a proper first date
4. Plan a "guys night" out
5. How to make a tie

As I look around these days more and more men, are becoming submissive. They don't know how to do the essentials required for survival and are paying someone to do it for them. Bull crap I say! I don't care if your an 18 yr old teenage millionaire, you won't get laid if your date finds out you're wearing a clip-on. I think I will start a series of various topics of which I believe Men - especially in their 20's and 30's (since these are the crucial years that determine if you'll be cool or not in life), should know how to do.

Today, we begin with planning a guys night out. All guys, should know how to kick it with the boys. Most people have the following kind of guy friends:

1. The Player - all he cares about is ass
2. The Cryer - always has a sob story
3. The Overachiever - loves his job more than sex
4. The Underachiever - loves to "talk" about work, but does not actually do any
5. The Drama King - Can't pump gas without getting into a fight
6. The Rockstar - Seems to always have everything that everyone else wants

When planning guys night, you must cater to all of these personalities. Usually a bar/grill type restaurant along with a night-spot is a solid plan for a guys night. When planning a guys night, it is essential to pick a place that has lots of eye candy and scenery (by this I mean hot women). Although the Chicken Fingers or the German Brews might be tasty, they'll taste like crap if you don't have someone to ogle while enjoying them. Depending on what part of the world you are in, you can usually find some fun laid-back restaurants that have a good bar, and then hit up a club afterwards.

There are certain ground rules that MUST be followed:

1. The kids gotta be put to sleep - By this I mean all phone calls with the girlfriends/wives/children/mistresses have to be done and accounted for before the festivities begin. You are not allowed to miss a shot-taking opportunity because your girl wants to tell you she misses you. If you do, you buy the next round, Bitch.

2. Everyone should pitch in - No one person should end up taking the financial hit. At the same time don't bust out your pocket calculator every time a bill comes around. As a guy you should be alright with numbers, and if your not, then the waiter/waitress should get the benefit. Unless one of your friends is a filthy rich prick, by the end of the night everyone should have done a similar amount of damage to their wallets. It is okay however, for the rich prick to insist on buying bottle service and letting him take the hit, however in return you must be nice to him for the rest of the night, and even offer him a drink that he paid for once in a while.

3. You are NOT allowed to call anyone out - This is a big one. When your having a guys night, it is perfectly fine for your friend to tell someone he's a Formula 1 race car driver. If he tells a girl he is trying to impress that your the dude that manages him, you MUST act accordingly. You are not allowed to call him out. As a friend, it is your duty to ensure your buddy is in the best possible position to get this woman's panties to drop. At the same time your buddy must be there for you.

4. You are NOT allowed to bring baggage - By this, I mean everyone is there to have a good time. This is not the time to share the news that your getting a divorce, you miss your girlfriend you just broke up with, or worst you've decided your gonna go thru with your sex-change operation because you feel "trapped". Save it for another night. Tonight is the night to get your drink on, act silly, embarrass yourself a little bit, and maybe even get laid. The penalty for bringing on this kind of distress, is that you automatically become designated driver, and all night long your friends are allowed to tell any hot girl your talking to that you have gonorrhea.

5. Sneak Attack -At any guys night you must be prepared for the "sneak attack". What is the sneak attack? The sneak attack happens when you and your boys are at a place, and your girlfriend, or the significant other of any of your boys also "happens" to be there, or she decided to come out and meet you there. You must always be prepared for such occurrences. Women, usually don't like to see guys having so much fun by themselves, and will interject some vaginism on the night. As you and your boys are taking a shot she may come and give you a "cute" kiss on the cheek, or she may steal you away from your boys to furiously make out with you and / or dance with you. If this happens your boys have the right to make fun of you. In unison they are all allowed to yell out "awwwwwe", then point their fingers and laugh. They are also allowed to be sarcastic for the rest of the night. They can say things like "Bro, you look nice in a dress sometimes" and all you can do is take it like a man. Additionally, if required, your girl/significant other must also be prepared to talk up one of your buddies and help him get laid. For dropping the sneak attack, she must use her feminine powers of persuasion to get girls to put out for your boys.

Now, you have to remember that not everything always goes according to plan. If shit hits the fan, as a guy there is always a "Wild Card" that you can use. That "wild card" is the strip club. It is acceptable to resort to strip club for any guys night. A strip club is a wild card because it is the one place on planet Earth where all of your boys will be satisfied. For $20 a woman will listen to you talk about your project at work, while riding you like its the Kentucky Derby. For $40, she might even let you grab a boob while you explain to her the new wireless protocol your going to be implementing at work. A strip club for guys night should be used like you would use a car for sex. When there is no other option, and when it is absolutely necessary.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Guilty Pleasures

It hadn't happened to me in a while. However, my cousin from India was in my car, and he left one of his CDs in there. I was bored, and stuck in traffic, and had heard all of mine like ten times. So, I put on his cd, and it happened. It was a bunch of classic Bollywood songs, and before I knew it I thought I was freakin Shah Rukh Khan, and I was singing and dancing like a dork inside my Toyota. The lady next to me witnessed this and began to laugh. It didn't matter, she wouldn't understand anyway. The feeling of hope and joy one gets from singing a Hindi Movie song.

Its quite weird to admit, that I have a guilty pleasure. No, its not singing Bon Jovi's "Livin on a Prayer" or any song by the Backstreet Boys. For some reason, I cannot resist cheesy Bollywood songs. Its embarrasing I know. But what can be done? I knew I was in trouble as soon as the Khabi Kushi Khabi Gam CD came out. I hadn't even seen the damn movie, but during all the songs I pretended to know the words. Of course, I can't speak Hindi that well, so I just sounded like a mumbling idiot, but I was "feelin it" man. I know I'm in trouble whenever I hear new Bollywood songs, because I do that thing people do. You know, where you pretend to know the words, and muster out the few obvious ones in the song, and then hum the rest of it. It sucks, its awkward, but for some reason it makes me feel good about myself.

Having a guilty pleasure is not something easy to deal with. However, we all have them. I know we do. I am ont alone in my cheesy affection for the Bollywood songs. I had a room mate in college who was from south Jersey. He was all Nirvanna and Offspring on the outside, and "Ranga Bar se" on the inside. Its probably why we got along so well. The biggest problem with guilty pleasures is that you never know when you'll act them out. These secretly admired songs might be on your ipod, and in the middle of a run you might start bustin out "Pretty Woman - Dheko Dheko na" and no one will have a clue as to what is happening. Its just something that truly does get you by surprise every time.

The worst however, is when you actually recall the scene in the movie that the song is from. You actually recall the moment, and you remember it. Why does the mind play such tricks on us? Why can't we just enjoy a song and forget it. However, I've always wondered why India is the only country in the world that puts so much emphasis on the damn songs in the movies. I guess I finally have my answer. The song, reminds you so much of the movie. Its how they get you I guess. In any case, I guess the first part about solving a problem is admitting you have one. Maybe now, I can recover or at least not start humming during a meeting at work.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


When your 28 years old, and living on your own without being married, a 1 PM "breakfast" is not too uncommon on a Sunday. So like many other Sunday afternoons, I strolled out of bead after a chaotic night the prior evening trying to recollect my thoughts, and piece my night together. My morning started off with the same usual routine of getting up, looking at the time, going to sleep again, getting back up, and then moving to the living room, only to pass out on my couch again for a half hour. I put on some nice beats, and motivated myself to do the most essential of all human things - brush my teeth. After that I started getting ready for the day of football that lay ahead, and in that time my roommate happen to wake up and do his morning rituals. "Dude, brunch at the Diner?" he asked, knowing full well, that it was no question at all. "Of course, I need some grease in my body to clean out the booze" I responded. We strolled into the local diner, and happen to get an interesting table. It was not too far from the entrance, and oddly located such that you can see every person that happens to walk in/out. We ordered our usual food, and life seemed to be in perfect balance.

Everything was fine, until a couple walked in. It was a typical white couple. The guy had a Rutgers baseball cap, a sweatshirt and jeans, and the girl was also wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Now, in the most subtle way you can imagine, my buddy made a quick, scant glance and turned back to me in the middle of our conversation as if nothing happened. But I new that was not the case. I knew, my meal would not be the same, and neither would the conversation. In that brief glance, I knew that everything had changed. As he carried on the point he was probably making about global financial markets, I did what all good friends would do at that point, I called him out. "You motha fucka! You dirty dog!" I bursted out. "What dude? What the hell?" he said all perplexed. "You didn't think I'd notice did you?" Just then, he knew exactly what I was talking about and made that filthy smile I love to see.

There is an instinct that men have, and sometimes a subtle glance at a woman is all you need for that instinct to tell you what you need to know. When my buddy glanced at this woman in the middle of his story, and turned back to me, I knew exactly what he was thinking - that this woman must be a FREAK in the sack! I knew it, because I saw it too, and I had the same thought in my head. "Your thinking she'll ride you like Seabiscuit don't you?" I asked, and he said "Dude, she must be awesome in the sack, and that is one undeservingly lucky man". I can't explain why, but for some reason, I honestly contend that when a guy sees a girl he can tell how she is in bed, and I'm willing to bet, 90% of the time he is right. Woman have a look and a sexual aura, that men just pick up on and know that this one is spitter, and that one is a quitter.

Maybe its the way a woman carries herself, and maybe its the look of satisfaction or dissatisfaction she emits, but for some reason, guys just seem to know. In any case, the conversation during brunch quickly changed to what she probably does and does not do. "She's gotta be a screamer" I contended to which he countered "No way, dude, I know a pillow-biter when I see one!" I guess, in all of this I probably realized why I was not married, because I don't think I'd be able to have this same brunch conversation with a wife, but that doesn't mean I won't try.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Sex Paradox

I don't quite understand it, and I'm guessing I never will. The game of sex, is one that I hope to be lucky enough to win sometimes in life, and one in which I will never know or understand the rules. As far as I can tell, when it comes to sex, men want it, and aren't ashamed to admit it. On the other hand, I can't make such a simple, and bold statement about women. It really can drive you mad, however, we are men, and as a result, we wait hopelessly for "it". The thing that really confuses me about this whole thing, is that just when you think a woman doesn't want it, and that you should back off, she gives you some huge green lights, and you are just flabbergasted. On top of that, when you call them out on it, they deny it, and hate you for doing that. Mixed signals, does not even begin to describe this wonderful chase. Men, will always chase, and women, will always change the course.

For example, from what my friends have told me and what I've experienced in my own life, it makes no sense what so ever. From what I gather (my sources are limited), women love the adventure of slappin skins in a public place. The rush, and the potential to get caught seems to be more of a thrill than the dirty deed its self. Men, being the weak creatures that we are, as much as we are scared shitless, don't want to pass up a good opportunity for fornication. So we will try to resist for about 2 seconds, and then give into the outrageous desires of the woman. This could be anything from a hummer in the dressing room to a short escapade in the library. Women just love the thrill, and men, well they just love getting laid. However, the part that confuses the hell out of me, is when you offer to do it in the comfort, and privacy of your home its never nearly as desired by the woman! How is this possible? The thought of some strangers catching you is okay, but when you have privacy and can go buck wild, its not of interest?

How can this possibly be? It makes no sense, and to me it is and probably always will be the greatest paradox. She is willing to take you in your boss's office when he's not around, but when you got the candles going in the house, and a nice bubble bath brewing, odds are you don't stack up to the girls of Sex and the City. It really is quite a phenomenon and an anomaly. However, men, being the hopeless optimists that we are, always challenge this and try to come with new ways of seduction. Whenever we get what we want, we claim victory, when in reality, we are simply giving into the wims of the woman.

Upon much internal debate, and thought as to why this is the case, I've finally concluded, that it has to do with one thing, and one thing only. No, its not sex, but rather, it is control. Women, from what I can tell, LOVE to have and be in control. I'm convinced, that a woman takes more joy in watching a guy convince himself that having sex on the swings in a park for toddlers, is a good idea, than the actual deed its self. Its the same reason, why when a woman first dates a guy she likes the way he dresses. However, 6 months later, when the guy is wearing the same thing he always wears, she says he should change his shirt. It has nothing to do with the damn shirt, but it has to do with the satisfaction she gets of knowing that you are wearing what she wanted you to wear. In conclusion, men have two choices. You either become a puppet, or become a priest. Most guys I know, would rather be a puppet that gets laid.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Ah yes, Election Day has finally arrived. Its been a long, and hard battle of getting John McCain the Maverick, and Brother Barack Obama to this point. It hasn't been easy, and both candidates sure overcame some obstacles to get here. Now, today, America gets to see which one of these men will have the honor of inheriting a broke financial system, 2 wars, slumping housing market, and of course the task of convincing the public that even though they took $700 billion dollars from you, they are NOT gonna raise taxes.

On days like today, people go out of their way to show patriotism. The most patriotic thing you can do is oblige to your civic duty and vote. Or is it? I recently met a fellow I work with who I will call John who really opened my eyes to the true form of patriotism. Its unorthodox, and not like anything you've ever heard. Sure many people waive their flags, and help their veterans, but what John did is more patriotic than any of those things, or at least in my opinion anyway.

It was a typically long day at work. We were all beat. 12 hours had passed, and our eyes were squinting from staring at the same spreadsheets, and monotonous work. We needed a break. We all decided to go to the local bar & grill, to kill a few brain cells, and share a few laughs. We got some good seats, watched the game, ate some fattening food, and filled our bellies and loosened up our minds. After dinner, the drinks continued to pour, and John as he usually does, suggested we check out a strip joint. It was the local "ballet" so I figured, after a long day's work, and nothing else to do, why not? Being the "Maverick" that John is he stopped over at a gas station to get a few brews for the road. After about the 4th one the car approached 90 mph, and I was getting a bit freaked out, but John insisted it was all good. Being the responsible adult that I am, I cut him off after that.

With a pep in his step, John pays cover for both of us, and walks in like he owns the place. Now I must tell you, John is an Indian guy. He's a bit shy, and a little bit nervous around women, let alone naked women. So he walks, in and he starts looking confused. I re-assured him that the women would not harm him (unless he wanted them to). He sat down in front of the stage with his stack of 1's and a smile as if it was Christmas Morning. After a few minutes, he was in "love", and decided to get a lap dance. Four songs had passed and he finally came out. "C'mon bro, I need a smoke". Even though I don't smoke, I went out and gave him company. That's when we met Tiago. He was the son of a diplomat from Brazil, just checking out the "local sites" while he was in town. He needed a light, and John was gracious enough to help him out. He asked us who we were and what we did and made typical small talk.

That is when it happened. I saw the most courageous display of patriotism I'd ever witnessed. I told him in that moment who I was, and that I was from India. Then my friend John, introduced himself as Sandy from Pakistan. He said Sandy was his nick-name and that he was from Pakistan, and working here in the US. I was shocked! I was pissed, that he wouldn't tell Tiago that he was Indian. So being the nice guy that I am, I continued to make fun of him for a while. We ended up going back in, and then left a half hour after that. The next day, I asked John, "what the hell man?" "what was that all about bro?" "Your Sandy from Pakistan?" To which John, told me something I will never forget. "Buddy, listen. Yesterday we were doing something we should not be doing, and we were at a place we really shouldn't be at. So whenever I am doing such things, I tell everyone I am from Pakistan, so I do not ruin the good name of Indians".

I was amazed! This is a man that lived patriotically. He always had the good name of his countrymen at heart and did whatever he had to so he didn't ruin it! I was so surprised by his logic that I gave him a hug like you'd see in a Bud Light "I love you man" commercial. I was sincerely amazed by his thinking and actions. What I learned from him that day about patriotism was simple. You don't need flags, and slogans to be patriotic. You simply need to know which group of people you want to point your finger to.