Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Jersey Guy

I'm sure you've all experienced it. Your out on the town having a good time with your friends, and you come across "that guy". You know, the guy who talks as if he knows everything about everything. He's done everything you have, only better, and he knows the same things you know, but he's only smarter. Yes, ladies and gentleman, you have encountered what I like to call a Jersey Guy. I can't explain it, and I don't know how it happens, however I am convinced that no matter where you go in the world, you can find someone from New Jersey. I had my first taste of this when I was in Mexico at a bar, waiting to go to the bathroom and a bunch of guys started chanting "Let's Go Yankees!" (For some reason all Jersey Guys seem to be Yankees fans). India, China, South America, Europe, you name it, there are people from Jersey all over! It truly is one of humanities most mysterious phenomenon's.

I recently had one of these experiences in NYC. I was out having a good time and I encountered the quintessential Jersey Guy. He was talking to me about life, love, philosophy, and of course he's the guy who "comes here all the time". I didn't know what to do. I was stuck between a guido and a hard place. I had my cousin hanging with me on the side, so I dragged him into the conversation with me. The Jersey Guy gave us all kinds of information on love such as "bro, if she ain't your best friend, than fugggedaboutit if your thinkin of marrying her". Of course two minutes later when his girlfriend went to the bathroom, he started staring at other girls and grabbing his crotch and saying things like "Do you believe this girl? Bro, she's buuuuuutiful". In any case, we endured this until he had to leave. I think it was more like therapy session for him, because he seemed to be a lot calmer after our conversation. And, by conversation I mean he was talking and I was forced to listen. By the end, I got a bro-hug from him, and he told me he'd see me later.

Now, I"m sure many of you have had similar experiences. However, the Jersey Guy experience is truly one of a kind. Therefore, I thought I'd do society a public service and identify some key characteristics of Jersey Guys so you happen to know one when you come across one.

1. Italian by nature - For some reason, no matter what nationality your Jersey Guy is, he will always try to act Italian. All sentences will begin with "Bro" and they will end with either "you kiddin me? or Fuggedaboutit" For example, my Jersey Guy was Dominican, but he was talking and gesturing like he was first generation Corleone.

2. Full of Advice - Another tell-tale of a Jersey Guy is the fact that they are always full of advice. But be careful, because even though they are full of wisdom that they've picked up from Fortune cookies, they are never willing to take their own advice. However, they will insist that you take their advice. In fact, if you don't take their advice your an idiot. It really is awesome, to see the amount of advice that's dished out in classy places such as the local tavern. Everything from career advice, to love life, to the etiquette of cheating are all subjects that have been mastered by the Jersey Guy.

3. Full of stories - No matter what situation you are talking about, the Jersey Guy has a story where he can relate. You can be talking about doing charity work in the slums of Mumbai to create housing for the underprivileged, and the Jersey Guy has a story where he thinks he can relate. Of course, for a Jersey Guy, sleeping with an ugly woman, counts as charity. You can say something like "this one time, I saw a homeless kid, so I got him a meal, and gave him some money", and a typical Jersey Guy response can be "Yeah, I know what you mean bro. Its important to do some charity once in a while, its good. This one time, there was this braud who was horrendous. Poor girl was just standing by herself, looking all ugly. I felt bad, so I took her back to my place, banged her, and gave her money for a hot meal in the morning. Its important to do these things, its Karma you know?"

4. Mayor - This is absolutely one characteristic that is always there. Its never the first time at a place for a Jersey Guy. No matter where you meet this person, its almost as if they are compelled by a Jersey God to say "Yeah, I come here all the time". You can be at the grand opening of a club, and the Jersey Guy will tell you he comes there all the time. In fact, they also feel the need to let you know that they know the owner and bartenders, and everyone else involved with the establishment. Of course, when you ask them why it takes so long to get a drink, they will tell you that just because they know the people they don't want to be rude to the other people at the club. I cannot explain this one, but I guarantee you that if you meet a Jersey Guy in a place, he's been there before, and he will assure you that he is the mayor of the club.

5. Ladies Man - I'm not sure I even have to say this, but every Jersey Guy is always a self-proclaimed born ladies man. They usually happen to know a girl or two at the bar or club, however they will always forget to mention that the girl is his sister or cousin. I mean, if you are going to give out all this advice on Love and women, you have to have the experience to back it up. There is a secret black book of numbers that nobody has seen, however if you've met a Jersey Guy that has a girlfriend, he will tell you that he had to give it up, or "retire" it. I always find the word "retire" funny when it comes to guys and their black book of booty calls, because I wonder if just like many players that book can come our of "retirement".

6. No Hand Shakes - Jersey Guys don't shake hands. They bro-hug. In case you don't know, a bro-hug is the process is outlined below:

a. Step back, then proceed to lean in with the right hand extended as if to arm wrestle
b. Hands must slap then clasp in arm wrestling formation
c. Upon clasping the rest of the body must follow through and meet the clasp in the middle
d. The left hand must make a fist as the body is leaning in
e. The left-handed fist must gently tap the other person in the back with the thumb and index
fingers pointed inwards

So there you have it. These are some characteristics I find fascinating and remarkable about Jersey Guys. Of course, just as in all aspects of life, Jersey Guys come in all sizes, shapes, and colors, and each one is unique in their own way. So throw a Corona in the air, cheers them off, and let the good times roll.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Social Skills

Today more than ever we are more social creatures than we've ever been. With the invention of things like Myspace and Facebook we are more interconnected than we've ever been. However, in the words of Spiderman "with great power comes great responsibility". I say this humbly because I think with the invention of all these websites, we as a people are losing the most basic things that our ancestors gave us - social skills.

I stumbled upon this brutally realistic realization at work of course. When you're in sales you come across all kinds of people either for work or because of it. If you enjoy people watching, and making stupid comments to yourself about your observations, its a great gig. However, sometimes you come across just a one-of-a-kind person and it makes you wonder, "wow, that person actually exists. Yep, that just happened!" So to help my fellow members of humanity I thought I'd come up with a list of 5 things you should avoid doing so people don't know you're a social retart:

1 - A person who brags about their past
Just like nobody cared about Al Bundy and his 4 touchdowns in one game, nobody wants to hear about you and your "hey day". The fact that you're bringing it up to brag about it, is usually a sign that your making up everything that is coming out of your mouth. The fact that in the middle of a light moment during a business meeting you start joking about how before you got married you used to be more "aggressive" with the ladies and you aren't any more, simply says that you've probably memorized every season of Stargate, and that you were more likely to be recognized at the Star Trek Fan Club instead of the Delta Ki frat parties

2 - The person who insists on buying everything
We all know that now more than ever, companies are scrutinizing expense reports more than ever before. So in the words of Bill Maher stop "acting like a pimp with a week to live". There are so many approvals required before you can get that final approval on that report, and until you get it, you are sweating like John McCain in a Vietnamese restaurant. So please playa, let's take it easy, and let someone else buy the next round.

3 - The bad dancer
Now as rare as it is, it is possible to have a round of drinks end up at a place that has a dance floor. There is one rule above all others that need to be followed. If you're a guy, please keep the Chip'n'Dale dance routine away from the dance floor. If you do this, you will probably sacrifice your career along with your dignity. If you're a woman, please remember this is a work event, and you shouldn't "bend ova to the front and touch yo toes". If you are a person who enjoys break dancing as a hobby, please remember that your review at the end of the year has to do with your performance at work, so don't try to battle on the dance floor.

4 - The guy filled with awkwardly inappropriate comments
Now, there is a difference I should point out here. There are those who can say something that is not appropriate at all, and still make it funny and as long as it gets a laugh out of everyone, I think its okay. But then there are those who just don't know when to stop or just pull crap out of no where that just makes everyone feel a bit weird. For example,

Client: Man, the waitresses in here are really pretty
Salesman: Yeah, did you see the one with the blond hair
Client: Yeah, she is gorgeous
Salesman: I would love to just bang the hell out of her until she screams and asks for more!

I'm pretty sure, that would be the end of the night right there, and I'm also pretty sure you lost a client.

5 - The hangover guy
Its tough enough to keep clients. We live in a world of increased competition. So when you can't remember what the hell you said to your client the night before, it is NOT an advantage. Also, showing up to your morning meeting and puking up last night's last shot and then going into your meeting, can mean only one thing. You better have some damn good notes for the meeting! Its pretty tough to convince your client that you are worthy of their business and you are completely on top of what's happening when you can't remember that you told them you loved them the night before. Also, its even more difficult to keep your client, when they had to pay for you to get back to your hotel.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that when it comes to work these are probably some social behaviours that need to be avoided for a successful career. These are probably also some things that should be avoided if you want to retain business and get new business. However, if you cannot control yourself, just try not to be a combination of all the things mentioned above.

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Natural Way

There are many things Indian are notorious for. The Kama Sutra, getting jobs in Atlantic City, and Bollywood Dance sequences in the rain. However, there is one thing that all Indians just seem to do, and no one seems to understand why. It happens all the time. Its almost like they can't control themselves. I've actually even once seen an Indian try to control himself, but it just didn't work, he couldn't hold it in. To this day I haven't figured it out, however it just seems to be a common thread that ties all freakin Indians together of the world. Maybe it happens because of the deep rooted history of Yoga and Ayurveda that stems from India. However, it just seems to me, that everywhere I go for as long as I can remember every Indian seems to have some "natural remedy" (of course they pronounce it nay-choo-ral). I can't think of a better example than what I witnessed a few weeks ago.

We were having a typical Indian family dinner. There were too many people, and not enough room, and so we decided to sit on the floor of our family room to accommodate the whole clan. Aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, siblings, everyone was there. We were all eating and having a good time, and someone brings up the topic of Swine Flu. Someone said something like "Swine flu is now in India, and people don't know what to do". To which I responded, "How about not eating all that junk off the street vendor's carts, I'm sure that doesn't help". At the time, I thought this was a perfectly logical statement to make.

Then it happens.

For some reason, Indians (especially older Indians) seem to have this weird sense of immortality. My uncle starts talking about how its not a big deal. "You would not India...they have the Nay-choo-ral cure for the Swine Flu!" He claims. For some freakin inexplicable reason, everyone else in the family jumps right in and goes "yeah, that must be right. In India, we have the nay-choo-ral cure for all these things". I couldn't believe it! I almost spilled my daal when I heard this exchange take place. It just so happens to be, that this same uncle of mine has a daughter who had just finished studying for her MCATs and was trying to get into medical school. So I turn to her and said, "what say you, future MD?" Being the veteran child that she is, she looked up and simply said "yeah, I suppose its possible" (she then nodded her head in disapproval to me later).

There is an unspoken rule about natural cures when it comes to Indians. That rule is simple, if someone claims a natural cure exists, no one is allowed to deny it. Its this same unspoken rule that has turned my mom into a "Natural" MD. She claims that diabetes can be cured by touching certain parts of your hand, and cholesterol can be controlled with a variety of "Nay-chural" cures. The other unspoken rule about natural cures, is that you are never allowed to call out the person who makes the claim. For example, my mom has diabetes, but she also has a bunch of natural cures for diabetes. No matter where we are, no one will ever ask her, "well, if the natural cures work, why haven't you followed them, and why aren't they working for you?" Doing this, is the equivalent of cheating on your spouse.

Do natural cures exist? Maybe. I once went to an Ayurvedic doctor many years ago, when I was probably in the best shape of my life. Of course, I was working out every day and eating right to get in shape for none other than spring break (but that's another story). This man, was missing his wring finger on his right hand, and he proceeded to take my pulse with that same hand. He than looks up at me and says "On the outside you look fine, healthy, and built, but on the inside your body is suffering". I was like "what?!". He than asks, "when you sleep on your arm at night, do you feel a tingling sensation?" "Yes, that's what happens when you cut off blood flow" "No" he claims, "that is not supposed to happen". He then asks "When you sit on the floor with your legs crossed, do you feel numbness in your legs?" Again, I said yes. "You see, that should not happen". Now, I'm no doctor. However, I'm pretty sure that if you sit with your legs crossed, or fall asleep on your arms, there is a good chance they will go numb, you know, because blood doesn't get there. He then prepared a combination of herbs that smelled like a combination of wet-carpet, and breakfast burrito fart. Needless to say, I did not take the concoction. However, I was pretty surprised, when he showed me his "nay-choo-ral" remedy for erectile dysfunction, and he told me that I didn't have to be embarrassed if I wanted to try it. Needless to say, I passed on the offer and headed for the door.

In any case, I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm sure there are natural cures/remedies, but can we stop making them so sacred? I don't understand how a culture gives so much high status and encouragement to their children to go to expensive medical schools, but then doesn't believe in the things their children have learned there. Maybe that's another trait of Indians?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Some Guys Have All the Luck

Let me first start out by saying, that although we try not to do it, it almost always happen. Of course, I am talking about generalizing. We try to be better than that, however when you are confronted by certain inevitable truths over and over again, it is simply human nature to generalize. As long is it is good traits, people seem fine with it. For example, saying something like "Asians are good at math" seems to be socially acceptable. However, saying something like "man, those white guys stink at basketball" seems to get some people upset. Well, I have a a generalization today that I'd like to talk about, and I hope it is not insulting. Yes, my generalization has to do with black people. So here it goes...

I know what you're thinking I"m gonna say something about intelligence, or maybe even customer service. But you'd be wrong. My generalization, is more specifically about black guys. In my observation, which I've seen in many social settings, in many different cultures, the one thing I always seem to notice over and over again is how black dudes always get the ladies! There! I said it! Call me curious, or just stupid, however for some reason I seem to notice in every club I walk into, in every party I attend, the black dudes are always lined up with the hottest girls in the place. So being the curious adventurer that I am, I began to wonder. I wondered, what is it about black guys, that just seems to give them an edge over their competition? By competition, I mean the rest of male civilization that is not black.

To start with I threw out physical characteristics, because I'm of the opinion that you can find beautiful people from just about any ethnicity. Than I began to look for things that black guys seem to have in common, that others don't. After much pondering, I got it. Confidence! In my experience, I don't think I've ever met a black guy who simply was not confident. I used to work for a company making "cold-calls" which is a fancy way of saying telemarketing. I remember my first call I made, I got cursed at by the CEO of a company who slammed the phone in my face. My friend Michael, who was black and sat besides me saw what happened and simply said "Sheet man! You gonna let someone talk to you like that! Hell no! We don't take that shit! Man, we are doing these jerks a favor, they just don't know it. Our jobs is to make them know that we are helping them out! C'mon man! You don't let nobody talk to you that way". Michael, was a high school graduate who was working at this company to make money to help him pay for college. I was a college graduate, and I was getting schooled!

Another example of how black dudes are just confident happened to me over the weekend. I was helping out at a store, and a Haitian man walked in with a towel around his waist, a t-shirt on, and sneakers. I thought to myself "this man, must really be looking to get hammered if he didn't even have time to put something on over the towel". Another female customer looked at him, and simply said "You always wear a towel and v-neck t-shirt when you leave the house? Is that your style?" Without even being phased, he simply looked at her and said "Na, this ain't my style, but I can make it my style, if you know what I mean." He then turned around smiled, paid, and left, and that lady spent the next 5 minutes talking about him.

So it seems, that for some reason, again, in my experience that black guys just seem to have more confidence than their "competition" on a large scale. I mean if an angry CEO isn't gonna shake a black guy's confidence, than women really don't stand a chance against these guys. From spring break parties, to NYC night clubs, these guys just seem to walk around with an air of assurity, that helps them do one thing that most guys spend a good amount of time trying to figure to efficiently "slay dem ho's", I mean attract women for physical intimacy. This logic seemed to make sense, and it seemed to be fairly accurate, however I still wasn't quite sure. Than a friend of mine told me "Men fall in love with their eyes, and women fall in love with their ears". This seemed to give my hypothesis a little more strength.

However, when I read "this article" I knew that I was spot on! Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, was visiting Kenya during her African Tour. It was during this visit that a man offered 40 goats and 20 cows for Chelsea's hand in marriage! That's right! If that's not confidence, I just don't know what is.

So yes, I did generalize. And yes, I do understand that not every black guy will be this way. However, it just so happens to be that every black guy I've met seems to be this way. So go on, wear a funny looking hat, or walk around in a towel, because as long as you know you can pull it off, you're gonna be "slayin em" I mean, catching their attention for physical attraction.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Facebook: Disconnecting People?

Hello people, I hope you're all doing well. I apologize for not posting in a while, I've been quite busy. Anyhow, I guess after all this time, the one thing I learned, is that writing is kind of like working out. No matter how long its been since the last time you did it, its always a good idea to start up again and get back into it. In that spirit, I shall try my best to keep going forward.

In any case, I was recently enjoying a lazy Sunday, and I came across this article in the Chicago Tribune about how Facebook could be destroying relationships. Are you freakin kidding me! According to the article, the new study shows that Facebook causes people to get jealous, and then go out on Facebook, and find evidence there to support their own jealous claims / thoughts. I have news for everybody. Facebook is NOT destroying relationships. PEOPLE are destroying relationships!

I love how everytime we can't control ourselves, we try to find something else to blame. The problem is not facebook, the problem is people, and their stupid jeaousies. Facebook is only a medium. Blaming Facebook for destroying relationships, is like blaming the doctor who brought you into this world, because you're homeless. He had nothing to do with it! He just brought you into the world, the fact that you suck at life, is not his fault. Just like the fact that you can't trust your partner, is not Facebook's fault. Maybe your boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't be "Superpoking" their co-worker by giving them a digital quickie. I don't know, I just find it kind of ironic, that a group of people were paid to conduct a "study" to measure this kind of stuff. I've never been approached for this kind of study, where do they find their subjects?

Now don't get me wrong, the study is not entirely useless. There is some truth to this. If you have a lot of time on your hands, and you can check out people's Facebook status's all day long, than there is a good chance that you may find something you don't like. However, that's not the point. The point is that people are actually trying to blame Facebook for their own stupidities. For example, the relationship options on Facebook are kind of ridiculous. There is an option to say that you are "married" to someone, or even say you "hooked up" with someone. I wonder what's stopping Facebook from just putting up an option to say "Did the dirty in a highway bathroom with" as an option. I'm sure there are people in Congress that can relate. Perhaps, even an option for the South Carolina Governor could be "Flew to Argentina and had a love triangle with" as an option.

I don't know, maybe its me. However, I think at the end of the day, people need to say what they mean, and mean what they say. Its harder than you think. There isn't a Facebook option for it.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


I can't take this anymore! Things are getting out of control, and someone needs to say something! Men, of all ages and backgrounds need to agree with me on this one and revolt! Yes, I'm talking about the lack of RESPECT a man has to put up with AFTER he gets into a relationship.

Let's be honest, when guys are single, they are free-willed, free-tongued, and free-spirited. When they get into a relationship, they give up some of these freedoms for love (but most times sex). However, nowadays, it seems more and more that women are taking our quietness to be weakness. It happened to me, and I was a victim, but I didn't say anything. Than I saw a buddy in the same situation. Finally, I had to speak out.

To make my point, let me give you an example:

Girlfriend: I need help with my paper, I just don't understand how derivatives are calculated in the financial market

Boyfriend: Hey sweetheart, I'm in the financial market, and I work on derivatives all day, I can help you

Girlfriend: Na, but you don't know what your talking about. This is different. You won't get it

Boyfriend: I'm telling you sweetheart, its not that complicated. Derivatives are just financial contracts, where the value of the contract is derived from something else.

Girlfriend: I don't know, that doesn't sound right. I'm gonna ask someone else.

At this point the girlfriend will then call a random friend who will tell her "Derivatives are just financial contracts, where the value of the contract is derived from something else." At which point the boyfriend will say "I told you", and the girlfriend will just dismiss him.

I don't understand how this happens. Before guys and girls start dating they are completely infatuated with each other, and there is a healthy respect for the other person's point of view. Then when you become the boyfriend you also become the dumb ass that doesn't know how to do anything. The woman completely disregards his opinions, and the stops giving a sh*t and becomes like Al Bundy. Then women wonder, why this happened.

Ladies, listen up. Just because we may not know the exact way to pick out a towel to accentuate a bathroom, doesn't mean we're not good at what we do. I once heard a girl say to her boyfriend who was a doctor, "Oh, you won't get it, I'm gonna ask a real doctor". If that was me, I'd probably knock her up and then during labor, I'd say "Oh, I'm gonna get a real girlfriend".

All I'm trying to say ladies, is that you gotta have a little faith in your instincts. Your sexual instincts told you to date/sleep-with/marry a guy for a reason. Trust your instincts, and have a little faith in your man when he tells you he can do something. Of course guys, please don't screw this up because you only get one chance. After that, you are the dumb ass that can't get anything right. You will forever be laughed at by your girlfriend's friends and will never be allowed to engage in any thoughtful conversation.

So in the words of Ms. Franklin "Yeah, baby, I want a little respect".

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Let's face it. As people, we are wired to generalize. Its not our fault, its just that reality can be so overwhelming at times. For example, if you go to 5 different Best Buy stores and had a miserable experience with their customer service representative, and let's say for example that all of them happen to be Black, you will assume that all Black people are horrible with customer service. Is this true? Of course not, I'm sure somewhere out there is a Black person who is also good at customer service. These generalizations, can almost occur for anything. I"m not just limiting it to race. It can be generalizations about race, ethnicity, religion, and even sex. For example, all men are horny (okay, maybe this one is true).

For the last decade or so, Indians have been working very hard to wash off some of the generalizations and stereotypes made about us. Lets be honest. Everyone always would make fun of Indians and call them smelly, weird, or people who eat monkey brains (thanks Indiana Jones). However, in the last few years with Indians cracking the top 5 wealthiest people in the world, the emergence of Aishwarya Rai, and of course Slumdog Millionaire, Brown is the new Black. Thanks to Harold and Kumar Indians can be pot heads, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta even gives us a nice little advantage in making Indians look smart.

However, morons like this guy are really not helping our cause. If you read this story an Indian dad who fathered 7 daughters has decided not to wash himself in 35 years in an attempt to hopefully father a son! What the hell man!!!!! What are you doing?!!!? He supposedly takes a "fire bath" which in his own warped freakin opinion is just as good as a "water bath" for killing germs. Of course, the rest of society disagrees and the guy lost his job, and no one wants to be near him.

I'm pretty sure that this regimen will guarantee at least one thing. He probably won't give birth to another daughter. In fact, I'll be pretty freakin surprised if anyone gets close enough to him so that he has a chance to father anything else at this point. By the way the guy is in his 60's and still gunning for a son. I guess that's another stereotype of Indians - stubborn.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Age Vs. The Indian Woman

For generations now, there has been an unspoken battle happening right before our eyes. It may not seem so obvious, but right in front of us, an epic battle has always been taking place, and will continue to do so. That is right, I am referring to the battle of Indian Women, versus Age. No matter what they try to do, Indian women (like the rest of the world) will lose to the forces of time and age. However, as most of us continue to get older and accept that we are no longer as fast or as crazy as we once were, Indian women refuse to let age take them down this way!

So what do they do? They try to defy time of course! They try to defy age, and they do this by making most men around them miserable. Whether your a son, a husband, a brother, or relative to an aging Indian women, you will have felt the fury of her trying to fight off age. At this point you might be thinking "Indian Guy, you're a moron! What are you talking about?" I will tell you exactly what I'm talking about.

Most people in this world, can accept that as time goes on they will get older. Most people can also accept that as they get older their services may not be needed as much as they once were since there are younger faster people able to provide them. BUT NOT INDIAN WOMEN! Indian women, try to defy time and age, by forcing themselves to be relevant! We all know this happens, but no one wants to say it. As they get older Indian women just insist on taking on more and more things.

"Dinner for 500 people, I'm 55 years old, but I'll do it!" "Hey you need help changing that spare tire? I'm 60 with a replaced hip, but I can help". "I think I'm gonna take my walker, and go out their and cut the grass". These are all things I think you'll hear older Indian women say.

For some reason, I feel like as they grow older Indian women just don't feel relevant, and to compensate for this feeling they take on bigger and bigger challenges to show that "they still got it". What's worst, is that they present these humongous tasks, and then offer to do the tasks themselves. I was once having a conversation with an older Indian Lady who actually insisted on cooking for 600 people, even though her shoulder had surgery done to it, and she's in her 50's.

All I'm saying, is that growing old is not easy for anybody. However, to deny it is just bad for your health, and even worst for the younger people around you, because eventually you won't be able to take on the monumental tasks and those around you will have to do it for you. Trust me, now matter how much someone loves you, I'm sure they'd rather not be doing something you "volunteered" them for.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Things Guys Are Jealous Of

Most people who study human behaviour tend to lean towards the school of thought that women are the jealous type.  That may be true, and I'm sure there are several examples of this going all the way back to the Greek Gods and Goddesses.  However, men also have the ability to fall under the trap of jealousy.  It is not something many men will admit, but I the Indian Guy will attempt to give you a list of a few things that guys might occasionally get a little bit jealous about.  My "little bit jealous" these things may cause us to over react and do things like set your car on fire.  But hey, guys deal with these things differently from the way women do.

1. The Good Looking Fatso
Let me be the first to tell you that we men, are NOT jealous of a guy that eats healthy, works out six hours a day and is in the best shape of his life.  He probably looks great, and has a rock hard 6 pack on his abs to show for all his hard work.  We ARE jealous of the bastard that brushes his teeth with burritos, and eats 15 hamburgers a day and washes all that down with a gallon of sugary lard known as a milkshake, and still is in the best shape of his life.  This jerk, we cannot stand.  We hate this jerk so much, that we in fact try to go toe-to-toe with him when we see him and using our manly macho-ness we challenge him to hamburger eating contests.  While we suffer from heart attacks, he picks up our newly single women, and he's full.  What a jerk.

2. The Neat Car
Again, let me clarify that we are not jealous of a guy who works hard and every week puts effort into cleaning his car.  We are jealous of the guy who is so fricken rich that he has a bunch of people working for him constantly keeping his car clean.  This guy we can't stand because he is usually driving a nicer car than us, and probably pays more to the guy who details his car every day than you paid for your car.

3. The Celebu-tart
In my experience most guys understand that people like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are blessed enough to be good-lookin dudes, and can actually act.  As a result, they are rewarded handsomely with Angelina Jolie, a ton of money, and 50 babies from Africa.  That is something most guys can digest.  The fact that some guys just seem to be born with it.  What we cannot stand are the celebu-tarts like Paris Hilton who make millions of dollars for saying "That's Hot" and showing up at a club.  This is something most guys are jealous of, however we'd be willing to switch spots with them in a heart beat.

4. Trust Fund Babies
There are people in this world who are blessed enough to be born into wealth.  We hate these people.  These people are the ones who use Evian water to wash their hair and have no idea what the real world is like.  Kind of like Buddha before he left his kingdom.  Most of these people end up getting whatever they want, and don't have to work for it.  This is something most of us would love, but don't have and as a result we do feel the rage of jealousy.  

5. Women
Yes, I said it.  Guys at times, can be jealous of women.  I will be the first to admit this.  Every time a woman bats her eyes and gets out of a speeding ticket, or has someone at a retail store show her "extra" customer service it freakin drives me nuts.  The reason it drives me nuts, is because no matter how many times I bat my eyes, or how far I extend my chest I know I will never get the same type of treatment.  Its a shame, and it doesn't have to be that way.  Unfortunately, I just have to know that if I'm lost in a store and need to find a shirt, I'm gonna have to do it my damn self.

All in all, I think guys can be jealous.  Some clearly more than others.  However, I think its okay to admit to these things.  After all, they say that the first step in solving a problem, is admitting you have one.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Being Kidnapped

If your a guy, and your not socially retarded, there is a good chance that you probably have a few buddies.  Every guy has "his boys".  These are the guys he goes to for advice in life, and ironically enough he also prefers to kill some brain cells with the same guys.  There is a good chance that you've been friends with these people for some time now, and every once in a while they will kidnap you.  

Now, I don't mean this in the traditional sense, but all guys at some point get kidnapped by their friends.  It starts out with a casual phone call such as "Hey bro, I'm in your area, wanna grab a drink and catch up?"  Sounds innocent enough.  You get to the bar, and you start talking about what's happening in life.  "Yeah man, tonight I gotta go help the girlfriend with ____"  Usually one guy will start out telling the other something that he has to get done later that day.

Then it happens.

A couple of drinks in, your best friend has officially kidnapped you.  He has called all your other degenerate friends, and the night is officially on.  You were supposed to have ONE drink, and go home and be a responsible member of society.  Instead, your buddy takes your cell phone, and calls your girlfriend for you and tells her that you will not be able to make it, and its all his fault.  You've officially been kidnapped.  At this point, the vodka flows like a waterfall, and you are going to wake up tomorrow with a massive hangover.

Lucky for you, your buddy has a couch.  The couch is also quite symbolic.  Its probably where you will be sleeping in your own home for a while.  Afterwards, you make the walk of shame back home, and try to muster up your best puppy dog face and try to find some reasonable excuse as to why you didn't do what you were supposed to.  

In the end, you just know that you are who you are, and it was gonna happen anyway.  So you take your headache, and you get to work, and finish it up.  You may not be feeling well physically, but emotionally your a satisfied man.  

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dumb Mistakes by New Couples - Talkin Too Much

I find that as more and more new couples take a shot at romance, they still make the same stupid mistakes that have been made by humans for generations.  These mistakes, no matter how savvy we become, will undoubtedly continue being made.  I can't stress to you enough, how simple it is to avoid this, but it is simply human nature to "go there".  I am starting off this series of "dumbass-ness" with the most common of these mistakes which is Talkin Too Much.  

What is "Talkin too much?"  Its just that.  Its when a guy and / or girl start dating, and they can't keep their freakin mouth shut, and they ask the questions and say the things that they really don't wanna hear the answer too, but just can't keep their mouths in check and blurt these things out anyway.  I can't even begin to describe how many fights can be avoided, and probably how much sex could be had in its place, if people simply just didn't ask the questions they didn't wanna know the answers to. 

1.  The "How Wild Were You" Conversation
This is probably the one concern all people have when they start dating someone new.  They don't want to know the truth, or at the very least they want to know that they are the "wilder" one.  However, as much as they try they cannot help themselves and start asking this question.  Fellas, let me be the first to tell you that you will probably lose this question.  No matter how much of a player you think you are, there is a good chance that the girl has probably done more freaky stuff than you, simply because its easier for her to do so.  I'm sure you don't want to hear about how on spring break she was on the "Girls Gone Wild" video but it was just "innocent fun". But, it doesn't matter.  Because no matter how much I tell you this, your still gonna ask "what's the wildest thing you've ever done?", and believe me, the answer is not gonna be "This one time in band camp...we got sooo drunk".  More like "this one time, when me and my ex were making a video...."

2. The "How many people did you hook up with before me" Conversation
This is always dangerous.  The truth is that women are like sexual ninjas and men are like sexual barbarians.   Women they do their damage by using the art of deception, stealth, and speed whereas men try to do their sexual damage by being loud, making a scene, and then yelling in victory.  As I learned from watching the Deadliest Warrior, the Ninja is much more effective.  What I'm trying to say is that no matter how much of a player you think you were before you started dating this girl, there is a very good chance she has done more than you with more people than you.  She will probably comfortably lie about this to your face, so you don't hurt your feelings and can still feel like your "the man".  However, the truth hurts, and you can't handle it.  

3. The "How Compatible for Each Other Do You Think We Are?" Conversation
If you don't listen to anything else, please just heed this advice.  If your girlfriend asks you whether or not you think the two of you are meant for each other, no matter what always say YES!  Do not, I repeat, do not ever say "we should find out".  This is a one way ticket back to the no sex house, where righty and lefty are your only friends.  Saying something as stupid and as irresponsible as this will probably cause your girlfriend to ask you to logon to and make a profile based on your "various dimensions" of compatibility.  Odds are, you will find out that the ideal mate for you is a nymphomatic chimpanzee who knows how poor a cold beer and order a mean pizza.  You do not want this to be the case.  She will realize your not compatible, and she deserves more than a beer-pouring, pizza-ordering, chimp-loving guy.

4. The "Would you still love me if...?" Conversation
For some reason, it seems that all couples reach a point in their relationship where they are just absolutely, and truly "in love" or as I like to call it - LaLa Land.  They reach this heavenly place, where nothing can take away from how much they love each other, and how much they want to be each other.  Nothing of course, except their own big mouths.  Most people reach this stage and they start saying "I love you" a million times more, and in public, and they make the rest of society want to puke.  However, this stage does eventually get boring and they start saying stupid things.  For example "Would you still love me if I gained weight?"  The guy may respond, "Of course, I love the person that you are".   However, the guy might come back and ask "Would you still love me if I grew bald?"  The girl may probably have a similarly disgusting I love you response.  However, one of the two will eventually say something like "would you still love me if I lost my job", and just to be funny the other will say "Of course I'll love you, but I'll probably have an affair on the side, just to pay the bills".  This can lead to a sharp object being tossed at your head and the realization that the real product of love is much more different than it is shown in commercial advertisements.

5. The "What is the one thing you'd change about me" Conversation
I don't understand why people will never be content with themselves.  However, they will always insist that there must be something their partner does not like about them.  As a result they will ask "If there is one thing you can change about me, what is it?"  The guy will probably respond by saying "Well, I love you exactly the way you are, but I would change the raging bitch you turn into during your period".  Whereas, the girl would probably respond by saying "I wish you would stop bullshitting about how cool you think you are".  Either way, your taking the relationship to an unwanted place.

Although I'm sure many of you can think of stupid conversations that new couples have, I thought I'd keep the list at five.  Just remember, you can't change the past and its because we have one we are who we are today.  So stop getting mad at who the nymphomaniacal, alcohol-abusing person your new love used to be and try to enjoy them for the degenerate they are today.  

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Man's Evolution to Dating

The more I observe and see things in life, the more I realize that as time passes we improve, adapt, and re-apply ourselves. In most situations that we do for the first time, we make mistakes, however we are able to adapt so that we do not make the same mistakes again. This allows us to improve ourselves, and ultimately our world. However, it also allows us to make room for new mistakes. In no place is this simple evolution more visible, than in the world of dating, and that too in the world of men.

I find, that men evolve when it comes to dating. Its very funny to see. As I get older, I see the rookie mistakes, and smooth veteran moves. However, ultimately, I find that all men of all races and ethnic backgrounds probably go through 5 unique stages.

1. I can't believe its happening
- This is usually a universal beginning. Its quite amazing to see. For many young Indian men, this moment of realization happens when they are grinding up on a drunken masala honey, and she ain't pushing him away. He will usually screw this up by insisting on giving his buddy a hi five as he passes. However, this is not just limited to young, dumb, college kids of Indian backgrounds. Most of the time the guy is shocked that someone fell for his corny pick up line, or that some chick is just drunk enough to jump up on his junk, and its quite unexpected, yet completely enjoyable. Of all the stages, this is the most funniest because the genuine shock and pure joy the opposite sex can have on a man is beyond least for the first time.

2. Its a Numbers Game
- Pretty much all men try to work on their sequence of repeated moves they are willing to do over and over again until it actually works on a woman. This is otherwise known as their "game". Now most guys will adopt some technique such as wearing their favorite cologne, or favorite sweater and maybe complimenting at least 3 girls on their hair and seeing where it goes. Others, such as people I'm friends with pretty much treat women like a stock broker treats a lead. The more he calls, the more he is likely to close. Pretty much they will walk into a club and assess how many females there are. They will then make it their goal to at least try to smack their crotch into the behinds of 80% of the females in the room. It doesn't matter what the result is. However, they will drink enough booze to give them the liquid courage to embark on this mission, and they will boldly go where no man has gone before. These are the guys that usually will hook up with a girl in a club. Mainly because the probability of finding a girl that is drunk enough and willing to hook up with you exponentially increases as you give up your pride and get rid of your shame.

3. Method To The Madness
- At this point, our dear fellow has killed many brain cells, and is a veteran of the drinking-flirting-puking-passing-out routine. He has done it so many times that in fact he has developed some pattern and regular sequence of actions that yield a somewhat predictable result with women. It is at this phase that a person understands that dating is a game that has rules, and just like The Matrix "some can be bent, and others can be broken" its all about how you use your mind. For example, a person at this stage of the Dating Evolution may ask a girl to dance, and if she politely rejects he would be prepared with a smooth line such as "Well sweetheart, you looked to good for me not to at least take a chance on a dance. Life is too short to pass up on such rare opportunities". Which will probably make the girl say something like "Well since you put it that way, I guess one dance won't hurt". It is in this phase the transfer of power happens. It is at this point in life where guys usually get some confidence in themselves, and their abilities and girls lose that power to make a guy act like an idiot. Its a rare, yet beautiful transition to see the hunter finally learning how to hunt. However, he is still not refined, and will do things to ruin his good fortunes by asking if the girl is interested in a threesome with him and his room mate (Whose got your back dude?).

4. Smooth Operator
- This is the phase where the guy usually learns to say all the right things, but is not quite a skillful dater. At this point a guy is probably done with school, and has somewhat refined his taste. For example, he will now at least drink a Coors Light and let go of the "Natty Ice". He may even start reading about different things that interest him. This will all undoubtedly lead to the guy becoming a more interesting person, and therefore making him more interesting to women. At this point, the guy can probably get a dinner date with a girl at the coffee shop, or even maybe make it to the movies with the dog-walker he sees on his way to work every day. However, he will still trip over his own feet by doing things like discussing politics on a first date and perhaps calling his date a "commie" and losing any chance of getting laid that he probably had.

5. The Ladies Man
To me this is the final stage of a man's development in the evolution of dating. At this point, the guy cares about his career, has unique interests, takes care of what he looks like and most importantly has the utmost confidence in himself. I happen to know a few folks like this and it is amazing what they can do with their power. They can tell women things like "you have amazingly huge and beautiful breasts" but then follow it up with something so smooth that the woman has no choice but to take it as a sincere compliment that came from a "good place"...his pants. These are the few, the proud, the ladies men who can pick up a woman at a bus station, or a wine tasting. They usually come off as someone you'd be honored to have to be violated by. In my mind the supreme example of this would be Mr. Bill Clinton. The man is so smooth, that fucking him would make you famous.

All in all, as individuals we all have phases we go through. Each phase adds life experience, a bunch of mistakes that are made, and more importantly a lesson in how not to make those mistakes again. Ultimately as individuals this adds to our confidence, and with each passing phase we become more and more confident in ourselves. Which as men, allows us to do the one thing we were wired to do - get laid.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Common Mistake With the New Girlfriend

Ah yes, the days of being single. When you can grind up on anyone you want, say anything you want, and not have anyone to answer to the next day except your buddy who is only there to tell you all the details that you couldn't remember in your inebriated state of mind. Its a beautiful thing - the single life. I highly recommend everyone try it at least once. Just so you know why its necessary to have a significant other to accomplish progress in life. Otherwise, if I didn't have anyone pushin me, I'd probably be found laying on the floor with my receipts from last night, with dollar bills crumpled in my pockets, and a weird taste of hookah, budweiser, and Ciroc taking turns dancing on my taste buds. It would be wonderful, but it wouldn't be productive.

Being "The Indian Guy", I want to take a moment to school some of you rookie guys on a mistake you are bound to make when you go from being single to being in a relationship. When you're single and you go out, its no holds barred. Everyone is up for grabs (sometimes literally), and you go out there and make a fool of yourself. You can use all the cheesy pick-up lines, and work all your "game" and its okay. Your a nut-case, and in many cases you might even be "that guy". You know, the one who makes a fool of himself by drinking too much, but usually ends up creating situations where everyone has fun. All of this is well, and good, and even encouraged.

One of the biggest tools in your arsenal when you're single is your ability to dance. If you can move, and you look descent, and smell okay, there is a good chance a young lady might let you bang your crotch against her caboose. Again, this is well and good, and even encouraged. If you're not a social retart there is even a good chance that you have a group of people you go out with that is a mix of boys/girls. Some of those girls are "just friends" and some of them are girlfriends of friends and you know these girls are "off limit" or "out of bounds". However, after a few drinks, they get all silly with you and dance with you in a flirtatious manner knowing that you mean no harm. Again, nothing wrong with this as long as its just fun and silliness. Usually, if your single for a long time, this becomes a re-occurring thing. Where you go out with your friends, and their girlfriends, and your "girl friends" and you get drunk and dance with them and nothing happens. Sometimes it may get risque, but you never cross the line. At some point, its no big deal and it just becomes part of your behaviour. Taking a shot of soco and lime, then "booty-bumping" your boy's girlfriend is a funny joke.

Then one day you get a girlfriend.

Everything changes.

However, you are a moron, and you don't change! Trust me fellas, this is a classic way to get into your first fight with your new girlfriend. On one hand, you had fun being single, on the other hand, you enjoy sex with another human being.

Most guys after dating the new girl for a while want to bring her around to meet their friends and their girlfriends. So you all get together, and you go out, and old habits die hard. Before you know it, your taking a Soco & Lime shot and booty-bumping your friend's girlfriend again! Big mistake.

What's worst, is that most men don't realize how territorial women can be. In many instances, your "girl friends" or your buddy's girlfriend's had you on demand. If they came up to you and started dancing you would follow suit, because you were single and had nothing else to do. Now, that you have a girlfriend, they will still try the same things, and your dumb ass will forget about your new girlfriend and probably go dancing with them. However, if you do not, and decide to stay with your girlfriend, than it just agitates them even more because they can't have you "on demand" and they start using every man's kryptonite. Provocative gyration of the female body.
Now, if your a veteran of the game, you keep cool and allow your girlfriend to start making out with you in front of them, and thereby claiming her territory (kind of like a dog peeing on a tree). However, there's a good chance your an idiot, and will go dance with your buddy's girlfriend or your "girl friend". In which case, that will be the girl who has claimed her territory. If its the latter, than I'm sorry to say, you are not getting laid by your new girlfriend. Someone just took over the tree she is supposed to pee on, and she ain't happy. Undoubtedly, you will not be allowed to see your friends for a while, and will probably have to do something to make up for it such as go tampon shopping with her.

In either case, I strongly urge all guys that are new in a relationship to be conscious of how stupid you really are and were when you were single. You may think that you are more mature, but "Frank the Tank" is still in there somewhere, and you never know when he will come out. Be smart, and you will be rewarded in the form of fornication, otherwise, its back to the drawing board.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Biggest Source of Tension for an Indian Woman

Recently I've been surrounded by lots of friends, family, as well as my girlfriend and her family. It is a pretty hectic experience, because not too many people who are not Indian understand that its okay to have so many people in one house and it can even be fun. However, throughout all of the things that were happening there was one thing that stood out in my mind. All the women, had one thing in common. I couldn't believe it, and I didn't realize it, but all the women were all stressed about the same damn thing! Every time a woman said something, without fail she uttered the words that are the source of tension 99.9% of the time in 99.9% of all Indian women.

"Did you eat?" "What did you eat?" These two questions are probably asked by Indian women more than any other question ever. No matter what you say, you will never have a correct answer to this question. Even if you've answered the question, it will not stop them from asking again. It didn't matter if the woman was young or old, or who she was talking to. For some reason, Indian women are just infatuated by whether or not you've eaten and what you've eaten. I can't explain it, but I know its a Universal Truth. You show me a room with an Indian woman, and put a man in there, and I guarantee that the first thing she will ask is "Did you eat?" I think its quite phenomenal that all the women of one nation are all concerned about one thing and that is food.

However, I began to wonder. Why are Indian women always asking this question? Why do they care more about whether or not you ate, than anything else in this world. I could come home with stitches on my face, and my mom would worry about what I ate. Its just the simple truth. But the question still remains....why? I thought of a few possible answers below:

1. They already ate, and feel guilty and now want to make sure you eat too
- That's right. Not many people have the courage to do it, but I, the Indian Guy am calling you ladies out! If you ate, than don't force us to eat so you can feel better about yourself. It ain't right, and my jeans are tight enough. I don't need a second dinner.

2. They want to know their food tastes good
- I am convinced, that most women are insecure about what they've cooked. Therefore, by harassing someone into eating something they've cooked and then undoubtedly asking the follow up question "How is it? Do you like it?" and getting the response they want to hear makes them feels better about themselves, and allows them to go back to their moms and say "I can cook mom! Your not the only one!". However, once again, I will take the bold stand and tell you that if a guy does not want to eat your cooking, he probably is really full and has already eaten, or just doesn't like the way your food tastes. However, most men I know would rather eat two meals, than have to spend time in the dog house.

3. They take the phrase "The fastest way to a man's heart is his stomach" literally
- I'm convinced that if a woman thinks a guy is a catch, well than to keep him from going anywhere all you have to do is fatten him up! Its evil, its cruel, but it keeps that one-of-a-kind guy in your posession. They think that by expanding his waist line, he will expand his heart.

In any case, Indian women have always been, and probably always will be concerned about what you ate. So the next time you come across one, be prepared.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Arranged Marriages

"Dude, how can you marry someone without knowing them?" If you're Indian, and you grew up in America, there is a good chance that at some point in your life, a friend of yours that is not Indian may have asked you this question, and legitimately so. Even if you are Indian, the concept of Arranged Marriage is pretty freaky. The idea of having to spend the rest of your life with someone you never met before can be quite daunting. What I find hilarious, is that in today's day and age people simply try to make the whole thing out to be something that is common and not a big deal. Just take a look at this ad below:

They encourage you to "Discover love, in an arranged marriage". Let me be the first to say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" Telling someone to "discover love" in an arranged marriage, is kind of like telling someone to discover the price of their new car after they've bought it. To me, having an arranged marriage is kind of like buying a car without knowing the price. There is a chance that after you buy it under the hood can be a great v12 engine, or there is a chance that you are left with a piece of crap that will not work, and you will have to pay for it the rest of your life.

People who really "believe" in the arranged marriage system, will tell you all these statistics about how people who got married this way tend to stay together. In my opinion, there are lies, damn lies, and there are statistics. Once again, if you bought a brand new car and got ripped off, there is a good chance that you are gonna tell all your buddies about how much you love your car and you won't admit to them how much you got ripped off. I think when it comes to arranged marriages, it probably works the same way. If you married someone that lays around like a sack of potatoes in bed during sex, doesn't contribute to the income, and is a constant pain in your ass, you will probably tell your friends she's a freak in the sack, "finishing up" med school, and has dinner waiting for you when you get home.

I'm not saying arranged marriages can't work, I'm simply saying that people tend to exaggerate how well they work. I know plenty of people who met through the arranged marriage system and are happy, and I know plenty who have been burned. All I'm saying, is that you will have a better idea of what your getting yourself into if you test drive it first.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Indianizing the Academy Awards

This year's Academy Awards were even more important to Indians than any other award show in history. Now granted, Devdas was nominated for best foreign film in the past, but this year India made its mark in the entertainment world, and it happened in the form of a little movie called Slumdog Millionaire. In true Indian fashion, when the movie was announced as the winner for Best Picture, the stage was bum rushed by anyone who had anything to do with the movie, and Indians showed the world that no matter how big the stage, they still enjoy a crowd. This movie is significant because it showed the many aspects about India, and more importantly Indians. It gave a brutally honest glimpse of what Indians can be like - both good and bad. More importantly, it showed that love and hope are always tied to money.

However, if there is one thing people need to understand about Indians is that once we show up somewhere, we don't leave. Ask London. Now, that we've busted the door and came dancing into the Academy Awards, I'm willing to bet we'll probably be around in this arena for a while (just look at how much software is used to make movies). Therefore, I thought the following suggestions might help the Academy Awards get more in touch with their new consumer base - The Indians:

1. There should be a Bollywood style dance number
- I believe by doing this, they can show Indians that hey we like to have lots of people dancing on stage and into the music of a movie too. However, to make it more authentic I think the backdrop should change to show different locations of the world like they do in the Indian movies.

2. There should be a category for "Best Almost Kiss" in a movie.
- Since Indians just like to do the dirty-dirty behind closed doors and not "glorify" acts of love on screen, their movies tend to be this way as well. For example, an actor and actress will declare their love for each other, get hot and heavy and then make an attempt at a kiss, only to get 1 inch away from the other's lips and then turn away. All the movies have this, and it probably explains why there are so many frustrated people in that country.

3. There should be a category of "What the guy was willing to give up".
- Most Indian movies are about love. When a culture has a caste system often class can come between love. So being the idealistic people that Indians are, they often create love stories that overcome social circumstance. Unfortunately, they just go a little too far. Most of the love stories I've seen involve some wealthy man who meets a girl that is broke and humble. He sees her helping a blind man cross the street or helping a young kid learn his ABC's and pronouncing "Zed" and decides he loves her. He decides he will give up his family and all his money for "true love". They usually end up having the guy's family accept him back and having both the family and the cash. However, people don't understand that when your a billionaire you can probably have the girl without having to give up all your money. But then again, how else you gonna kill 3 hours?

4. There should be a category for "How long can you stretch a movie"
Indians love value and more importantly a bargain. If you don't believe me, go to your local supermarket when corn oil is on sale. Therefore, often times a movie that can be made in an hour is usually extended to 3 hours. Often the story takes unnecessary turns just to make a point that was made at the 45 minute mark. However, the movie-watcher gets his or her 3 hours for the money they paid and that's final! I think its only a matter of time until we run out of ideas and humans start falling for Aliens, and Will Smith will probably be involved.

5. There should be a pani poori stand by the entrance
Considering everybody is wearing fancy ass gowns and tuxedos I think it would be pretty damn entertaining to watch these people eating pani pooris and having that broadcast to the world. Personally, I think it would be pretty hilarious to watch Jack Black eating pani poori before he got on stage to make his speech and then got the farts, but hey, that's just me.

All in all, this movie really helped put India on the map. It showed that Indians are not just quickie mart owners, software programmers, or doctors. It showed that we too have the ability to love another person and their millions.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Reasons for Sex

If your Indian, your thankful for three things. Cricket, Aishwarya Rai, and the Kama Sutra. I would say in a nutshell, those three things help identify us. However, the one thing Indians can really hang their hat on, is the fact that while most major religions in the world tend to diminish the importance of sex, we praise it. In fact, we praise it so much, that to help the retarts that can't figure it out we made an instruction manual called the Kama Sutra. Now you may be wondering what does this have to do with anything? Well, I recently came across this article which goes on to explain the benefits of sex, and 5 good reasons to get your freak on today. Being the guy that I am, I thought I'd share these 5 reasons with you, and then share my own 5 reasons.

Their Reasons:

1. Sex boosts your immune system
They claim "A startling number of physicians are now recognizing how sexual and emotional health affect our entire well being". I'm guessing these were the dorks in Med school who couldn't get laid, and are now off getting busy with the hot Pharmaceutical Sales Reps and discovering this for the first time.

2. Sex burns calories
This may be true, but not if your on the bottom. According to them "A mere 30-minutes of sex burns 90 calories". I'm guessing they surveyed a senior citizen home if this is the case.

3. Sex relieves pain
"Orgasm is one serious narcotic!" They claim "sex can reduce pain, swelling, and inflammation associated with arthritis, headaches and menstrual cramps." I claim, that if you don't do it right, there is also a good chance that it can have the opposite effect.

4. Sex decreases aging
They say "“Use it or lose it” has never been more applicable. Regular sex releases a plethora of “happy” chemicals into your bloodstream, including testosterone." I say, cool.

5. Sex is great for depression
I can see the ad now, "Where does depression hurt?" There can be a guy pointing to his pecker saying, "Depression hurts here". Then a voiceover can tell you about how sex treats depression, and a long ass message that says "side effects may include an urge to cuddle, a need to smoke, funky yet seductive body odor, and birth".

Although these are good reasons, in the words of T-mobile, I've got "my-five":

1. Sex can help you get a promotion
There is no question you perform better at work when your less stressed, and more relaxed. If you don't believe me, hire a prostitute than start your next project and tell me if you don't see the difference in productivity and performance.

2. Sex can bring peace to the world
I'm thoroughly convinced that if all just started sexually experimenting with people from other cultures we'd find that we all have a lot more in common than not. I mean seriously, if we all just embraced the bodies of other cultures than I think we can definitely get over our differences because I'm pretty sure we'd find that when all is said and done, we like to get our freak on and that is something to build on.

3. Sex is good for your self confidence
Let's face it, being naked can sometimes be a nervous experience. However, if you've got someone else whose also naked (assuming most people take all their clothes off during sex), it can help you feel good about yourself. You may begin to wonder "Hey, I am the freakin man. Not only is she naked with me, but I get to violate her. Gee, I must be special".

4. Sex can make you a better poker player
Chris Rock once said "Just because I'm going, don't mean you made me go". I'll be honest, I've cleaned it up a bit, but the point is simple. Just because your having sex with one person, don't mean you can't pretend its someone else. In fact, engaging in this type of behaviour will really help out your poker game. You can make an honest face, and tell the other person they are amazing, and meanwhile you were thinking of Brad Pitt or Adriana Lima, and this can help you improve your poker face. Before you know it, your friends and lovers won't know the difference between your bluff when you go all in, or your bluff when your in the bedroom.

5. Sex can turn you into a model
If there is one thing about sex, its that during the act people make some odd ass faces. However, while these faces are being made they think they are sexy or cool or even provocative. Its kind of like the face my white friend Chris makes when dancing. However, there is a benefit to this. The more you have sex, the "cooler" your many looks and faces can become. Combine this with the rigorous cardio workout your having, and you may end up turning into a model who can make the run-way face and still look cool. However, just remember, practice makes perfect.

In general, if your still looking for reasons to have sex, than I suggest you get rid of your Nintendo Wii and join the rest of humanity.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Downfall of India - 2 minutes

I recently spent a few weeks in India, and have spent my whole life being surrounded by Indians. There are many things this culture has to offer and there are many things to learn. In the past decade or so, India has really grown by leaps and bounds to come to the forefront of economic and business growth. There are so many wonderful things happening in India right now. For example, there is actually a legitimate space program to get Indian Astronauts on the moon. All this is creating tremendous opportunity for Indians. I also happen to work for an Indian Pharma company. Pharma companies have really taken off over the last few years with the accessibility to generic drugs.

All these wonderful things are happening, and India will never become a superpower. India will have a tremendous downfall from grace and it will not be pretty. There is one thing I've observed about Indians that is universal, and it is a key flaw to who we are. No matter where in the world you go, you will find Indians, and I guarantee they will have this flaw. They cannot get rid of it because I'm convinced it is genetically encoded into their bodies. Whether they are old or young, smart or stupid, rich or poor they all have this horrible flaw, and it is this flaw that will keep businesses from prospering, communities from organizing, politics from ruling, and sex from happening.

What is the flaw you ask? Well, the flaw is very simply the words "two minutes". After spending 3 weeks in India I probably heard the words "two minutes" at least a hundred times a day and it freakin drove me nuts! These two words are the kiss of death for success among Indians and for India as a nation. It is because of these two damn words, nothing will ever get completed, and procrastination will always be prevalent in Indian society.

How can this be? What do these words have to do with anything? To an ordinary observer these two words are simple, and even innocent. However, to anyone who has ever had to rely on an Indian to do anything on time, they've undoubtedly been told that whatever it is they want will get done in "two minutes". The truth is, its never just "two minutes". Its usually twenty freakin minutes, or tomorrow, or never!

Let me give you some examples:

Patient: Doctor, when will the results be available?

Indian Doctor: Two minutes

- 8 days later the patient is dead from a heart attack because the doctor procrastinated

IT Manager: When will the database be ready?

Indian IT guy: 2 minutes

- The company goes out of business because when the guy said "two minutes" he actually meant I'm going to forget to do what you asked me to, and the company will be in a mess

Indian guy (going on a date): Hey I'm downstairs, are you ready?

Indian girl (going on a date): I will be downstairs in two minutes

- In reality she is still getting in the shower. The Indian guy will wait, and wait, and wait some more. Eventually she will come outside, and the guy will have died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Indian father: Son, did you send out my application to get a passport so I can come to America?

Indian Son: Dad, I'll do it in two minutes, I'm busy right now

- The father will not get his passport, and he will have to illegally sneak into the country and work at Dunkin Donuts for the rest of his life.

Indian Husband: Sweetheart, I just took some Viagara, when are you coming out of the bathroom?

Indian Wife: I'm just fixing my hair, I'll be out in two minutes

Indian Husband: Who cares about your hair! I'm good to go!

Indian Wife: I want to look pretty for you.

- In reality, the guy will have watched anything on Cinemax, did what he had to do, and by the time the "two minutes" have passed the husband will be long asleep, preventing the birth of future generations.

Indian College guy1: Dude, are you ready? What's taking so long? We gotta get to this Desi party by 10 or else we won't get in

Indian College guy2: Dude, I just need 2 minutes.

- In reality collge guy number 2, is shaving his pubes, blow drying then waxing his hair, ironing his clothes, putting on his facial lotion, and then getting ready. By the time he gets out of the shower it will be 10:30 and the 2 poor bastards will end up spending the whole night looking good and waiting in line.

All I'm saying, is don't ever use the words "two minutes". We all know what that means. It means I don't give a crap about you, and you can wait for me. They are two very dangerous words, and they will be the downfall of Indians all over. Indians cannot live without saying those words, and as a result anything and everything no matter how critical it is, will simply wait.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Womanization of America

I just can't take it anymore! In case you haven't noticed, it seems with each passing day men are becoming more and more like their gender opposites! I mean, I understand the whole Women's Rights movement, and I even think its a good thing. But for God's sake, can a guy just be a guy without him turning into a big wuss? You might be thinking, "Hey Indian Guy, calm down". The truth is I can't calm down. Its just too much.

Last week I was at the gym, and since my ipod is not working I'm forced to plug my headphones into the tv they have on the elliptical machine, and numb my brain with useless tv shows such as Jim Cramer. As I was surfing through the channels I came across some fine reality tv programming on VH1. Like most reality tv shows, this one was like a car wreck. You didn't wanna watch, but you couldn't turn away. Of course, the show I am talking about is "Tool Academy". This show defines "Tools" as guys who "parade through dance clubs, preening and posing while they bestow a great gift on womankind... themselves. They live in their own little world where your spray-on tan defines you, muscles are the new black and no woman, especially your girlfriend's best friend, is off limits. They lie, they cheat, they treat their women like door mats" according to VH1. This show is dedicated to "taking the most arrogant, dishonest, thoughtless and unfaithful boyfriends and transforming them into husband material", or otherwise known as bitches.

A lady by the name of Trina Dolenz who is supposedly a "couples therapist" goes on and tries to teach these guys how to become more husband like. Of course, they don't tell you little details like Trina came to the States in the 70's and was married to the lead singer and drummer of a band called "The Monkees". Maybe its just me, but I'm gonna guess that being married to a guy who is a freakin Rock Star might be difficult. You know, because he's probably having orgies and then tripping out on shrooms and acid in the 70's. I'm gonna guess that she probably had to get some therapy, and now she feels the need to give it out. She probably thinks all guys are jerks, and disrespect women, so when she finds a guy that's good looking, and can get girls she tries to break him down. Look, taking couples therapy advice from a person married to a Rock Star in the 70's is like taking a wine suggestion from a guy whose an alcoholic. Just because he drinks a lot, doesn't mean he knows what he's talking about.

If you look at the guys on this show, you will notice that they are all good looking dudes, who eat healthy, work out, and give two shits about how they dress and what they look like. They also happen to be confident, smooth, and charming. So what! If a guy can get a girl to do what he wants, I say more power to him! Instead of "breaking down" guys like this, maybe we should be encouraging the rest of Obese America to get off your ass, work out, watch what you eat, grow some balls, get some confidence, and go get the one thing all men need...some ass! Its usually women who are gorgeous, and get guys to stumble all over themselves. So what if a good looking guy manages to bag you and your hot friend. It wasn't such a big deal when two nations went to war over Helen in Troy was it?

In the words of Eric Roberts "men are accused of promising the world to get a woman into bed, but women are notorious for promising the world for just about everything else". So I say go on, be a rockstar and slay them ladies, and start a new movement -and let's get some Men's Rights in America again. Heck, if that's what it means to be a "Tool" than I would be more than happy to be one.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

How To Tell If She is Cheating

We live in promiscuous times. The girl you're dating or the woman you married, probably gets mentally undressed, more than you care to know. However, it does not make it her fault. Its really hard to know if a woman is cheating on you or not. I mean, if a woman is good (most women are), you may go your whole life thinking you were the lucky person who never had to deal with infidelity. What I do find hilarious, is that it seems like today there are more and more experts out there to tell you if a woman is cheating. I recently came across this article that claims to do just that. Some guy who works for Men's Health tried to breakdown the type of people your girl might be cheating on you with. Well, being the friendly guy that I am, I'd like to give you my breakdown of each of his categories:

1. The Overly Interested Boss

He says to worry when she's "focused on pleasing him and not her job". Let me tell you something buddy, pleasing him is her job. When her reports are handed in on time, the boss is pleased. Of course the woman he interviewed hear is an "expert" who claims you shouldn't become a maniac (surprised? I think not!).

In any case, signs that the boss might be interested in her may include slapping her in the ass and saying "good work" like she's one of the guys on a football field, or he may tell her that you are a pathetic douche bag, and he can take her away to his summer house in the Virgin Islands and plow her for a week straight and expense the whole thing on the company. Then you might want to worry.

2. The Ex She's Still Friends With

He says that you should worry "when they talk frequently and secretly". No shit Sherlock! You should also probably worry when she lies to you and tells you that she's gonna hang with the girls and then runs off to see her Ex at his apartment, and comes home without her bra. He says a "once a year, 15-min phone call is nothing to get upset about". Which in reality just means, that was the one time you caught her.

However, I am a big believer in being friends with your Ex's, and if your girl tells you she's gonna go hang out with him, than you should probably leave her alone. After all, the same rules apply to you when you go to see your Ex playa. There is one important thing to note, if your Ex is a prostitute, than these rules may not apply to you.

3. The Ex She Still Pines For

He says to worry when "she drops his name in subtle comparisons to you". For example, when she screams his name while riding you in the bedroom. That might be a sign, that somebody else has been sharing your skirt.

Let's face it buddy, if she still wants her Ex, than your just not cutting it. He says you should "confront" her and tell her "I want to be with someone who knows what she wants." This is unbelievable! I'm no expert, but I do know, that no woman knows what she wants! She thought she wanted you when she was 12 SoCo and Lime shots in at the bar, and in the dark light you probably looked like her Ex, that's probably when she wanted you. Now that she's sober, and realizes you look like Urkel, she's probably not that interested.

4. The Hands-On Personal Trainer

You are just fucked. This guy is in great shape, he's charming, he makes your girl feel good about herself, and he gets to put his hands all over her ass and say "do you feel that in your glutes?" I bet she'll be feeling something else in her glutes before its all said and done.

He says you should worry "when she shares intimate details about him", for example the size of his cock might be an intimate detail that might give it away. But then again, I"m no expert.

5. The Smitten Suitor

He doesn't really describe where this guy fits into her life, so I'm gonna assume its the guy she met at the bar during happy hour with her co-workers, and then disappeared with for 3 hours. He says you should worry when "she ignores the situation because she hates conflict." Really? When you ask her "Where were you for 3 hours, I was with your coworkers because you told me to meet you", and all she says is "What? I was there the whole time?", and you say "But I see a hickey on your neck, and nail marks on your back" and she goes "Don't you trust me?" Then, there might be a problem.

Look fellas, the bottom line is that women are much slicker than men. Odds are if she's cheating on you or has, you probably won't know until its too late anyway. So to stress yourself out over something you probably can't prove anyway, ain't worth it. If all else fails, we always have our fortress of solitude - the strip club.

Monday, January 26, 2009


Its been a very long time since I last posted something, and for that I apologize. I've been quite busy both personally and professionally, but I've finally made some time to share with you my thoughts on various topics, as well as more or less let you in on some of the silliness that occurs in my everyday life.

So most recently, I was in India. I was in Gujarat, and attending several weddings, and most of the people's whose weddings I was attending were younger than me. In Gujarat, this is not good. It means that my "potato might be broken" (as my one uncle calls it) and that's why I'm not married, or that I might have some other reason as to why I'm not married. Naturally, being that I was in a country of a billion people, of which half of them think they are cupid, everyone tried to find me a suitable "life partner". In order to keep my mom from crying (and blowing a gasket!) I agreed to go "bio-dating".

I've written before, on "Bio-datas" and how they are the pimp vouchers of the Indian meat market of guys/girls in their mid-20's. Well, Bio-dating, in my opinion, is the actual process of the transaction. Now, I must tell you, that most people who go bio-dating never come out single from this process. There is tremendoub pressure on an individual to pick someone, and get married from the entire family. Everything from name calling, to begging and pleading occurs. Mothers usually lose their cool, and emotionally blackmale their children to find a spouse so they can have a dream wedding that they've always wanted. In my family, all of my cousins who have gone thru this process usually came out married. They cracked under the pressure. In any case, I had the one thing that none of my cousins had - a girlfriend back in the states. However, as I've also mentioned Patel parents, like to keep the "royal" blood in their own circles, and being that my girlfriend back home wasn't a Patel, they thought that at the very least I should see what Patel ladies I'm missing out on.

Well, as it turns out on, my parents did a piss-poor job of evaluating "the talent". They sorted out bio-datas based on education, and looks. I can honestly tell you none of them were lookers. I did however meet one girl who I like to call a "Gujrati Gold Digger" (cuz I don't see her w/no broke ...), I met a "Lovable Liar", and I even met someone who just got smacked by the shit end from the stick of life - she was hurtin. The Gujarati Gold digger showed up in her Dior Glasses and looked like she just stepped out of Pacha after doing blow and ex for about 12 hours. She said to me that "she has a short temper and wants a man that won't blow up at her when she gets mad at him." The "lovable liar" was a quiet lady who when I asked her if she knew how to speak English she said she did. Then when I asked her a question in English she had no idea what I was saying. Then in Gujrati when I asked her if she understood English, she said "yeah, I'm completely comfor-table vith it". Well, the 3rd girl, I actually felt bad for. I mean, if you took a frog and mated it with like bird, and then that creature had sex with a gorilla, it would probably look like this girl. She just didn't have much going for her, and she wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. Ironically, her uncle knew my uncle, and that family just assumed that since they knew each other, I was gonna end up takin their niece home.

All in all, I went through about 20 ladies, and as the process continued, I realized more and more what was going to happen. I was going to deny all of these ladies, and I was going to crush my parents dreams of bringing home a Patel lady. Eventually, on a cold night, when the family was sitting together, I kind of just told everyone that I'm not interested in seeing any more girls. For a moment, I think they were expecting me to tell them I was gay, in which case I might've been shot, but then when I told them about my girlfriend back home I think they were relieved.

In any case, I can tell you that the whole process is interesting. I mean there were definately some awkward moments. For example, one father sat with his daughter in the room, and in front of her asked me what kind of woman I'm attracted to physically. The whole time I wanted to tell him, pretty much the exact opposite of what you have here. There was another case where my mom started trying to freak out the other family about how religous she is. She claimed that she didn't even drink water from anywhere else but her own home, and that when she went out to other social functions she took her own water! In any case, the one thing I learned is that Americans and Indians have to completely different views on marriage. In America, a marriage is a culmination, whereas in India a marriage is just the beginning.