Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Warming Up For The Next Lover

We all travel through life falling in and out of love. For some, it can be a vicious cycle that repeats often, and others only go through it once. Some are even lucky enough to find their true love the first time they meet, and don't even know what it means to fall "out". Its a punishing, and beautiful thing which helps us understand the world, and more importantly ourselves. Some try to put a number on how many times it may happen, and call it destiny or fate, and others well they just understand that what's gotta happen, is gonna happen.

However, there is something that is quite ironic about this entire process. Its not something we like to talk about often, and of course I would like to take this opportunity to do just that. I recently saw a cartoon that reminded me of this strange paradox. The truth is very simply, that each time we go into a relationship we grow more as a person. We make mistakes, and we learn from those mistakes. The kicker, is that the next person who comes along is the one who benefits. So for example, if you were impatient when your girlfriend was getting ready, and always got mad or through a fit, your current girlfriend has to put up with it. However, after that relationship is over, the next girl who comes along will be fortunate enough to have a guy whose not so impatient and gives her the time she needs to get ready.

Does nobody else but me find this nuts! Think about it. You will always be a better person in your next relationship! I find this hilarious and humbling at the same time. Its also the reason why when a guy starts dating a girl for the first time and she does something amazing in bed and drives him wild, he thoroughly enjoys it. Then he begins to did she learn how to do that? Who was the bastard before you who taught her that? Which usually ends to a pointless argument. Of course, as "fate" would have it, this is something the next girl he dates won't have to deal with.

So go on. Do what you gotta do. Date all types of people. Pretty ones, crazy ones, and of course my favorite the horny ones. Learn what you gotta learn. At some point, you might be lucky to find a person who has learned just as much as you, and knows just as much as you, and has been through just as much as you. If you ever find that person at the right time, I guess you might then know what love is.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Holiday Party

It is that time of year. People are making lists of whose been naughty, and whose been nice. Another religious excuse to get drunk is on the horizon, and odds are that if you are in a parking lot somewhere, someone is cursing you out. That's right folks, the holidays are here. Along with all the aforementioned formalities of the Christmas Holiday season, there is one tradition that corporate America follows. Of course I am referring to the company Holiday Party. Most people behave in a socially acceptable way when in an office, however when these same people are placed in front of an open bar and a dance floor the true debauchery is exposed, and the animal within cannot be contained. Undoubtedly this will lead to some cheers, jeers, and a re-enforcement of the sexual harassment class you took on the following business day.

However, as the Indian Guy, I would like to expose you all to a Holiday Party of sorts, that might not be so traditional. I would like to expose you to the world of Holiday Parties for Indian companies. Over the past few years, I've had the unique experience of working for companies who are based out of India. This in and of its self deserves its own blog, however for today's discussion I will stick to the topic at hand. In my experience, there are holiday parties, and there are Holiday Parties - the Indian Way. What's the big deal? You guys don't even celebrate Christmas! What's so special about your party? These are all legitimate questions, but in my experience Indian companies have a way of celebrating holidays that aren't theirs in quite the unique way.

First of all, a fancy banquet hall is usually rented out. It looks typical to start with. You have food, you have booze, you have a questionable and borderline inappropriate DJ, and of course what separates this Holiday Party from all the other HR controlled parties, are the employees. You see employees of an Indian based company tend to be a microcosm of the nation of India its self. They want to let loose, and be themselves, but for worry of perception they manage to keep themselves in check most of the time. However, when celebrating the birth of the Lord (that they don't believe in), inhibition is left at the cubicle. Sarees, business suits, and scandalous dresses make their way into the hall. The first thing you'll notice is that people tend to be a bit more "touchy-feely". By this I mean, a funny remark will get a soft slap on the shoulder (or what I call the love tap), which may not ordinarily be there.

Once the booze starts to pick up steam, things get really interesting. I once saw an Executive get two Johnny Walker blacks neat, and his wife said "Honey, your driving". To which he put up his hand, nodded his head, and softly said those famous words, "Its okay. I'm okay". Which he seemed to be, until he got up and started singing Jingle Bells with an Indian accent. Imagine Abu from the Simpsons, with a slightly slurred speech singing Jingle Bells. Being the good employee that I am, I also encouraged him to sing the "Batman smells" rendition, which I don't think his wife was to fond of.

Now this may not seem like a big deal, but what this did was set a precedent. After everyone saw this guy, people started going nuts. I heard someone yell "I go dry, you die!" to the bartender with a laugh that was more serious than jovial. In my opinion things got really weird, when the 45 yr old Spanish lady started "feeling it". The DJ started playing some hip-hop version of the electric slide and Ms. Latina was all over the dance floor. She was singing, cursing, and shakin her money-maker. Then the DJ played a little bhangra, which got the Indians up in a frenzy and onto the dance floor. Once the dance floor was packed, the DJ did something that was completely unexpected. I was shocked.

You have to understand, that by now the party was in full swing. Corporate jargon was turning into ebonics, and people were yelling things like "Raj, you fuckin Benchod! Take another shot with me" and that was coming from our Administrative Assistant. I had seen a lot of things, but when the DJ started playing Lil' John, I knew the party definitely took a new turn. A turn, that I won't soon forget and this party was definitely kicked into a whole new gear. Now the Indians didn't know what Lil' John was so they just pointed their index fingers in the air, shrugged their shoulders and danced. However, all the Americans were boozed up, and yelling "What! Yeah! ....Okay!". What shocked me the most was when the 45 year old Latin Lady literally "bent ova to the front" and touched her toes. It was like someone flipped a switch and the air was sucked right out of the room.

Lucky for me, after witnessing that miracle, dinner was being served. Greygoose had to wash down every bite after witnessing that. After people had some food in their system, they were a bit calmer, and the party seemed like it was coming to an end. Me and my buddy were waiting to get our coats, and as we are waiting my friend yells out "Oh my gooood! What the hellllll!" I look over to see that the Latin Lady had literally just cuffed my friends ass, and almost lifted him a few inches off the ground! Meanwhile, his pregnant fiance was next to him in shock. After the crazy lady left, he turned and said to me "I feel so cold, and alone". I wanted to give him a hug to comfort my friend, but I was afraid the damage was done.

The best part of Holiday parties is the next day at work. It really is amazing to me how people have selective memory. The crazy lady went up to my friend and said, "Hey, here are the reports let me know what else you need". To which my friend responded, "Oh don't worry, I won't be needing anything else from you, you've done enough".

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Jealousy Factor

From what I've observed, it seems that in all relationships (relationships being a sexual one between a man & a woman), there exists a certain jealousy factor. I can't explain why, but it just seems that at any given moment in time, a certain amount of jealousy emanates from one of the parties, and in retaliation that party tries to overcompensate. Its very difficult to explain, but I think I'm onto something here. I find that this is a completely universal phenomenon, and has nothing to do with your background. If your a guy / girl and your in a relationship, I urge you to be mindful of the Jealousy Factor.

I find that we all go thru life trying out various different types of people. I call this process dating. To me, dating is like a wine tasting. You learn a lot about different wines, and at the same time you also learn what suits your particular palate. Over time, and experience, you are able to identify the type of wine that you like the most. Now, for every person, this process is different, and can often lead to a variety of encounters. However, for some reason, when we get into relationships, we feel the need to share the stories of our journey with our partner. Without question, this ALWAYS happens. For women, it might be a reason to hear the guy explain how everything was wrong until she was found, and for men, well it might be a telling sign of whether or not she will swallow. In any case, we all have our reasons to share.

In my observation, I find, that at some point in time one of the parties just can't handle it. At some point in time, a girl maybe telling her boyfriend "Oh yeah, in my last relationship we used all types of gadgets and toys in bed....", and the boyfriend will just lose it. Its pretty funny when this happens, because the boyfriend is clearly annoyed, yet he tries to play it off like nothing is happening. So what does he do? He will cut her off by saying something dumb, and completely untrue. "Baby, please. You don't even wanna know what I've done. I've been with a girl who used toys too okay!" At this point, the relationship will usually take a turn for the worst. But my favorite, is when the guy and girl are talking about all the things they've done in bed with other people. They will often ask questions like "have you tried this, or done that?". This usually goes on until, one of the parties yells "Mercy!!!" Well, not exactly. But usually either the guy / girl usually hears something that they are truly disgusted with and just blames the other person for being a weirdo or a freak and storms out.

I don't know why people do this, but it always happens. I guess, curiosity is a disease no one is immune to. As a result, we usually find ourselves in conversations we did not want to be in, and then to overcompensate we make up some ridiculous stories. In my observation, those who tend to keep the most quiet when hearing some "wild" story of their partner, are usually the wilder ones in the relationship. I find it absolutely hilarious, when one person says about their partner "Oh, I know him / her, they would never do anything like that", only to walk in on them tied to a bed with a leather mask and a whip waiting on the end table.

I guess all I'm trying to say, is that we all have our own journeys in life, and there is nothing wrong with any of them. Don't try to compare yours to someone else's and try to accept people for the whores that they were, and the loyal lovers they will be.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Orgy Etiquette

According to this article a Hilton employee in Minnesota walked in on an orgy happening in one of the ball rooms at the hotel, and reported it to HR. Unfortunately for her, she was violating what I like to call "Orgy Etiquette" which in this case is a serious enough violation for her to get fired, and rightly so. Seriously! Who does this lady think she is? Who the hell goes in and reports an orgy to HR!? I mean what is wrong with this world? An orgy is a sacred event that is to be cherished and treated like Fight Club. Its so nice to know that some companies actually have a HR department that has the balls to do the right thing.

The way I see it, orgies should have the same rules as fight club:

1st Rule: You do not talk about The Orgy
2nd Rule: You Do NOT talk about The Orgy
3rd Rule: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out the orgy is over
4th Rule: Only 2 guys to a woman
5th Rule: One orgy at a time
6th Rule: No shirts, No shoes
7th Rule: The orgy goes on as long as it has to
8th Rule: If this is your first time at The Orgy, you have to participate

According to this article the woman walked into a banquet hall, at the hotel she worked in and saw the upper management slippin, slidin, and sticking things all over the place. Being the retart that she is she goes and complains to HR. Eventually this leads her to get fired. Now, she is trying to sue Hilton - paaaaleease! Who you think you is lady?

Everyone knows that the proper response would've been for her to simply walk in and say "Listen up, who wants fresh meat?!" I don't know much, but I bet that she probably would've got a promotion instead of being fired if she did that. All I'm saying, is that times are tough and we you gotta use any opportunity you can get to promote yourself and get a "raise" (no pun intended)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Giving Thanks

Its that time of year again. The trees are naked, the air is cold, football is in full swing, and we are humbled once again. For it is that time of year when the Native Americans traded some corn with the Europeans who later turned out to be their "Frenemies". However, the important thing to remember is that this is the time of year when we enjoy the two days off from work, stay at home with the ones we love, and fill our bellies and our hearts with cholesterol, fat, and love. But more importantly, it is the time of year when we give "thanks". Its not an easy thing to do. We are always griping and bitching about the things we don't have in our every day lives, that we overlook all the wonderful things we do actually have. With that being said, I The Indian Guy would like to share what I'm thankful for.

The first and most important thing I am thankful for this time of year is the Patel Convention. What is the Patel Convention you may ask? Well just as the royal families in history wanted to make sure they stayed in power and kept all the riches in the family, the Patels of this world, are continuing this tradition in today's day and age. The Patel Community of the world has accomplished and achieved a lot. To keep these accomplishments for themselves, the Patel's designed a system wherein their kids can marry other Patels, and not let anyone else in and ruin the "chosen blood". That's right, the Patel Convention is the meat market of the Patel community, and it is where kids go to find a future "partner" in marriage (or for the night), and parents go to congregate and vent about how old their kids are getting and not finding anyone. You see, in the Patel community, having a child that is not married past their mid-20's is a disgrace to the family and the parents of the child may even feel like they ruined the world with an ugly child or even worst, maybe they have to admit that they are not capable of producing pretty children because they are not pretty. NO! That is not the case, for Patels are not allowed to be ugly! Thank god, all is safe.

The next thing I am thankful for is the Patel Women of the Patel Convention. Ah yes, there are few things in this world that are as unique as a Patel Woman at the Patel Convention. There are not too many women who have the ability to grind with you, maybe even hook up with you, and then tell you that you are not worthy of dating because you come from New Jersey and you must be a "playa". Just because two people hook up after 5 minutes of talking and 2 shots, does not make the guy a "playa" because he's from Jersey. It makes the girl a "fun" girl, and the guy an "opportunity seizer". It sure is a beautiful thing when a girl who you try to hook one of your friends up with, gets mad at you because YOU were not interested in her. However, you didn't want to ask her out for yourself because she was older than you by a couple of years, and Patel women are just not comfortable with dating a younger guy (even if he reads at an older level). However, after you do ask her out and date her, she has the right to be mad at you for being too young. Only a Patel woman can make you feel special and stupid at the same time. It truly is a rare thing.

Another thing I am grateful for of course are the guys of the Patel convention. You see, Patel guys don't like to be too confrontational, however they can be extremely competitive. So what do they do? Well, they cock block, but not in the traditional way. The Patel convention is the one place in the world, where a guy can compliment you so much that you actually look bad. How can this be? How would you even go about doing this? Well, the savvy Patel hater has developed a way. For example, when you are talking to a girl, a guy that you've never seen may come up to you in front of the girl and say something like "Yo! What's up bro! Man, this guy is such a player! I can't even believe how many women this guy was with last night. You're the man bro!". He will drop this little bomb, and then walk away, and also watch the girl get disgusted by your promiscuous ways, and leave. Thanks a lot douche bag! However, not all the Patel guys are bad, there's just a few rotten apples. The Patel Convention is the one place where you will probably make more friends with guys than with girls. Its probably the one place where you will meet another fellow Patel who thinks your cool and will buy you a drink from the other side of the room, just because its a Friday afternoon and the game is on and your not working. Its also the one case where guys may even get a bit too drunk and start telling you their dark secrets such as "Bro, I barely know you, but I feel like I can trust you with this. I met a girl, but I have a crush on her mom, and I can't control myself. I'm gonna make my move at Garba tonight".

All in all, I am thankful for the convention of Patels and the many memories it has given me. Its the place where I first got wasted, and the place where I will always go to feel at home. Although I may not find my wife there, I know its the one place I belong. To call the Patel Convention a failure just because you don't find your marriage partner is like calling Hugh Hefner a failure for not finding true love. Sure, he may not have exactly what he's looking for, but I think most of us would settle for what he's got.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Guys Night

I would like to respectfully submit a new term to be used for today's society. I hereby submit "Manledge". I think all guys in their 20's should have Manledge. I think a course in every educational institution should be provided for Manledge. What is "Manledge" you may ask? Manledge is the knowledge that all guys should have to be succesfull in today's society. For example, a course on Manledge would teach a man in his 20's/30's (since 30 is the new 20) to:

1. Know how to get into a club
2. Order a bottle of wine
3. Have a proper first date
4. Plan a "guys night" out
5. How to make a tie

As I look around these days more and more men, are becoming submissive. They don't know how to do the essentials required for survival and are paying someone to do it for them. Bull crap I say! I don't care if your an 18 yr old teenage millionaire, you won't get laid if your date finds out you're wearing a clip-on. I think I will start a series of various topics of which I believe Men - especially in their 20's and 30's (since these are the crucial years that determine if you'll be cool or not in life), should know how to do.

Today, we begin with planning a guys night out. All guys, should know how to kick it with the boys. Most people have the following kind of guy friends:

1. The Player - all he cares about is ass
2. The Cryer - always has a sob story
3. The Overachiever - loves his job more than sex
4. The Underachiever - loves to "talk" about work, but does not actually do any
5. The Drama King - Can't pump gas without getting into a fight
6. The Rockstar - Seems to always have everything that everyone else wants

When planning guys night, you must cater to all of these personalities. Usually a bar/grill type restaurant along with a night-spot is a solid plan for a guys night. When planning a guys night, it is essential to pick a place that has lots of eye candy and scenery (by this I mean hot women). Although the Chicken Fingers or the German Brews might be tasty, they'll taste like crap if you don't have someone to ogle while enjoying them. Depending on what part of the world you are in, you can usually find some fun laid-back restaurants that have a good bar, and then hit up a club afterwards.

There are certain ground rules that MUST be followed:

1. The kids gotta be put to sleep - By this I mean all phone calls with the girlfriends/wives/children/mistresses have to be done and accounted for before the festivities begin. You are not allowed to miss a shot-taking opportunity because your girl wants to tell you she misses you. If you do, you buy the next round, Bitch.

2. Everyone should pitch in - No one person should end up taking the financial hit. At the same time don't bust out your pocket calculator every time a bill comes around. As a guy you should be alright with numbers, and if your not, then the waiter/waitress should get the benefit. Unless one of your friends is a filthy rich prick, by the end of the night everyone should have done a similar amount of damage to their wallets. It is okay however, for the rich prick to insist on buying bottle service and letting him take the hit, however in return you must be nice to him for the rest of the night, and even offer him a drink that he paid for once in a while.

3. You are NOT allowed to call anyone out - This is a big one. When your having a guys night, it is perfectly fine for your friend to tell someone he's a Formula 1 race car driver. If he tells a girl he is trying to impress that your the dude that manages him, you MUST act accordingly. You are not allowed to call him out. As a friend, it is your duty to ensure your buddy is in the best possible position to get this woman's panties to drop. At the same time your buddy must be there for you.

4. You are NOT allowed to bring baggage - By this, I mean everyone is there to have a good time. This is not the time to share the news that your getting a divorce, you miss your girlfriend you just broke up with, or worst you've decided your gonna go thru with your sex-change operation because you feel "trapped". Save it for another night. Tonight is the night to get your drink on, act silly, embarrass yourself a little bit, and maybe even get laid. The penalty for bringing on this kind of distress, is that you automatically become designated driver, and all night long your friends are allowed to tell any hot girl your talking to that you have gonorrhea.

5. Sneak Attack -At any guys night you must be prepared for the "sneak attack". What is the sneak attack? The sneak attack happens when you and your boys are at a place, and your girlfriend, or the significant other of any of your boys also "happens" to be there, or she decided to come out and meet you there. You must always be prepared for such occurrences. Women, usually don't like to see guys having so much fun by themselves, and will interject some vaginism on the night. As you and your boys are taking a shot she may come and give you a "cute" kiss on the cheek, or she may steal you away from your boys to furiously make out with you and / or dance with you. If this happens your boys have the right to make fun of you. In unison they are all allowed to yell out "awwwwwe", then point their fingers and laugh. They are also allowed to be sarcastic for the rest of the night. They can say things like "Bro, you look nice in a dress sometimes" and all you can do is take it like a man. Additionally, if required, your girl/significant other must also be prepared to talk up one of your buddies and help him get laid. For dropping the sneak attack, she must use her feminine powers of persuasion to get girls to put out for your boys.

Now, you have to remember that not everything always goes according to plan. If shit hits the fan, as a guy there is always a "Wild Card" that you can use. That "wild card" is the strip club. It is acceptable to resort to strip club for any guys night. A strip club is a wild card because it is the one place on planet Earth where all of your boys will be satisfied. For $20 a woman will listen to you talk about your project at work, while riding you like its the Kentucky Derby. For $40, she might even let you grab a boob while you explain to her the new wireless protocol your going to be implementing at work. A strip club for guys night should be used like you would use a car for sex. When there is no other option, and when it is absolutely necessary.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Guilty Pleasures

It hadn't happened to me in a while. However, my cousin from India was in my car, and he left one of his CDs in there. I was bored, and stuck in traffic, and had heard all of mine like ten times. So, I put on his cd, and it happened. It was a bunch of classic Bollywood songs, and before I knew it I thought I was freakin Shah Rukh Khan, and I was singing and dancing like a dork inside my Toyota. The lady next to me witnessed this and began to laugh. It didn't matter, she wouldn't understand anyway. The feeling of hope and joy one gets from singing a Hindi Movie song.

Its quite weird to admit, that I have a guilty pleasure. No, its not singing Bon Jovi's "Livin on a Prayer" or any song by the Backstreet Boys. For some reason, I cannot resist cheesy Bollywood songs. Its embarrasing I know. But what can be done? I knew I was in trouble as soon as the Khabi Kushi Khabi Gam CD came out. I hadn't even seen the damn movie, but during all the songs I pretended to know the words. Of course, I can't speak Hindi that well, so I just sounded like a mumbling idiot, but I was "feelin it" man. I know I'm in trouble whenever I hear new Bollywood songs, because I do that thing people do. You know, where you pretend to know the words, and muster out the few obvious ones in the song, and then hum the rest of it. It sucks, its awkward, but for some reason it makes me feel good about myself.

Having a guilty pleasure is not something easy to deal with. However, we all have them. I know we do. I am ont alone in my cheesy affection for the Bollywood songs. I had a room mate in college who was from south Jersey. He was all Nirvanna and Offspring on the outside, and "Ranga Bar se" on the inside. Its probably why we got along so well. The biggest problem with guilty pleasures is that you never know when you'll act them out. These secretly admired songs might be on your ipod, and in the middle of a run you might start bustin out "Pretty Woman - Dheko Dheko na" and no one will have a clue as to what is happening. Its just something that truly does get you by surprise every time.

The worst however, is when you actually recall the scene in the movie that the song is from. You actually recall the moment, and you remember it. Why does the mind play such tricks on us? Why can't we just enjoy a song and forget it. However, I've always wondered why India is the only country in the world that puts so much emphasis on the damn songs in the movies. I guess I finally have my answer. The song, reminds you so much of the movie. Its how they get you I guess. In any case, I guess the first part about solving a problem is admitting you have one. Maybe now, I can recover or at least not start humming during a meeting at work.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


When your 28 years old, and living on your own without being married, a 1 PM "breakfast" is not too uncommon on a Sunday. So like many other Sunday afternoons, I strolled out of bead after a chaotic night the prior evening trying to recollect my thoughts, and piece my night together. My morning started off with the same usual routine of getting up, looking at the time, going to sleep again, getting back up, and then moving to the living room, only to pass out on my couch again for a half hour. I put on some nice beats, and motivated myself to do the most essential of all human things - brush my teeth. After that I started getting ready for the day of football that lay ahead, and in that time my roommate happen to wake up and do his morning rituals. "Dude, brunch at the Diner?" he asked, knowing full well, that it was no question at all. "Of course, I need some grease in my body to clean out the booze" I responded. We strolled into the local diner, and happen to get an interesting table. It was not too far from the entrance, and oddly located such that you can see every person that happens to walk in/out. We ordered our usual food, and life seemed to be in perfect balance.

Everything was fine, until a couple walked in. It was a typical white couple. The guy had a Rutgers baseball cap, a sweatshirt and jeans, and the girl was also wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Now, in the most subtle way you can imagine, my buddy made a quick, scant glance and turned back to me in the middle of our conversation as if nothing happened. But I new that was not the case. I knew, my meal would not be the same, and neither would the conversation. In that brief glance, I knew that everything had changed. As he carried on the point he was probably making about global financial markets, I did what all good friends would do at that point, I called him out. "You motha fucka! You dirty dog!" I bursted out. "What dude? What the hell?" he said all perplexed. "You didn't think I'd notice did you?" Just then, he knew exactly what I was talking about and made that filthy smile I love to see.

There is an instinct that men have, and sometimes a subtle glance at a woman is all you need for that instinct to tell you what you need to know. When my buddy glanced at this woman in the middle of his story, and turned back to me, I knew exactly what he was thinking - that this woman must be a FREAK in the sack! I knew it, because I saw it too, and I had the same thought in my head. "Your thinking she'll ride you like Seabiscuit don't you?" I asked, and he said "Dude, she must be awesome in the sack, and that is one undeservingly lucky man". I can't explain why, but for some reason, I honestly contend that when a guy sees a girl he can tell how she is in bed, and I'm willing to bet, 90% of the time he is right. Woman have a look and a sexual aura, that men just pick up on and know that this one is spitter, and that one is a quitter.

Maybe its the way a woman carries herself, and maybe its the look of satisfaction or dissatisfaction she emits, but for some reason, guys just seem to know. In any case, the conversation during brunch quickly changed to what she probably does and does not do. "She's gotta be a screamer" I contended to which he countered "No way, dude, I know a pillow-biter when I see one!" I guess, in all of this I probably realized why I was not married, because I don't think I'd be able to have this same brunch conversation with a wife, but that doesn't mean I won't try.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Sex Paradox

I don't quite understand it, and I'm guessing I never will. The game of sex, is one that I hope to be lucky enough to win sometimes in life, and one in which I will never know or understand the rules. As far as I can tell, when it comes to sex, men want it, and aren't ashamed to admit it. On the other hand, I can't make such a simple, and bold statement about women. It really can drive you mad, however, we are men, and as a result, we wait hopelessly for "it". The thing that really confuses me about this whole thing, is that just when you think a woman doesn't want it, and that you should back off, she gives you some huge green lights, and you are just flabbergasted. On top of that, when you call them out on it, they deny it, and hate you for doing that. Mixed signals, does not even begin to describe this wonderful chase. Men, will always chase, and women, will always change the course.

For example, from what my friends have told me and what I've experienced in my own life, it makes no sense what so ever. From what I gather (my sources are limited), women love the adventure of slappin skins in a public place. The rush, and the potential to get caught seems to be more of a thrill than the dirty deed its self. Men, being the weak creatures that we are, as much as we are scared shitless, don't want to pass up a good opportunity for fornication. So we will try to resist for about 2 seconds, and then give into the outrageous desires of the woman. This could be anything from a hummer in the dressing room to a short escapade in the library. Women just love the thrill, and men, well they just love getting laid. However, the part that confuses the hell out of me, is when you offer to do it in the comfort, and privacy of your home its never nearly as desired by the woman! How is this possible? The thought of some strangers catching you is okay, but when you have privacy and can go buck wild, its not of interest?

How can this possibly be? It makes no sense, and to me it is and probably always will be the greatest paradox. She is willing to take you in your boss's office when he's not around, but when you got the candles going in the house, and a nice bubble bath brewing, odds are you don't stack up to the girls of Sex and the City. It really is quite a phenomenon and an anomaly. However, men, being the hopeless optimists that we are, always challenge this and try to come with new ways of seduction. Whenever we get what we want, we claim victory, when in reality, we are simply giving into the wims of the woman.

Upon much internal debate, and thought as to why this is the case, I've finally concluded, that it has to do with one thing, and one thing only. No, its not sex, but rather, it is control. Women, from what I can tell, LOVE to have and be in control. I'm convinced, that a woman takes more joy in watching a guy convince himself that having sex on the swings in a park for toddlers, is a good idea, than the actual deed its self. Its the same reason, why when a woman first dates a guy she likes the way he dresses. However, 6 months later, when the guy is wearing the same thing he always wears, she says he should change his shirt. It has nothing to do with the damn shirt, but it has to do with the satisfaction she gets of knowing that you are wearing what she wanted you to wear. In conclusion, men have two choices. You either become a puppet, or become a priest. Most guys I know, would rather be a puppet that gets laid.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Ah yes, Election Day has finally arrived. Its been a long, and hard battle of getting John McCain the Maverick, and Brother Barack Obama to this point. It hasn't been easy, and both candidates sure overcame some obstacles to get here. Now, today, America gets to see which one of these men will have the honor of inheriting a broke financial system, 2 wars, slumping housing market, and of course the task of convincing the public that even though they took $700 billion dollars from you, they are NOT gonna raise taxes.

On days like today, people go out of their way to show patriotism. The most patriotic thing you can do is oblige to your civic duty and vote. Or is it? I recently met a fellow I work with who I will call John who really opened my eyes to the true form of patriotism. Its unorthodox, and not like anything you've ever heard. Sure many people waive their flags, and help their veterans, but what John did is more patriotic than any of those things, or at least in my opinion anyway.

It was a typically long day at work. We were all beat. 12 hours had passed, and our eyes were squinting from staring at the same spreadsheets, and monotonous work. We needed a break. We all decided to go to the local bar & grill, to kill a few brain cells, and share a few laughs. We got some good seats, watched the game, ate some fattening food, and filled our bellies and loosened up our minds. After dinner, the drinks continued to pour, and John as he usually does, suggested we check out a strip joint. It was the local "ballet" so I figured, after a long day's work, and nothing else to do, why not? Being the "Maverick" that John is he stopped over at a gas station to get a few brews for the road. After about the 4th one the car approached 90 mph, and I was getting a bit freaked out, but John insisted it was all good. Being the responsible adult that I am, I cut him off after that.

With a pep in his step, John pays cover for both of us, and walks in like he owns the place. Now I must tell you, John is an Indian guy. He's a bit shy, and a little bit nervous around women, let alone naked women. So he walks, in and he starts looking confused. I re-assured him that the women would not harm him (unless he wanted them to). He sat down in front of the stage with his stack of 1's and a smile as if it was Christmas Morning. After a few minutes, he was in "love", and decided to get a lap dance. Four songs had passed and he finally came out. "C'mon bro, I need a smoke". Even though I don't smoke, I went out and gave him company. That's when we met Tiago. He was the son of a diplomat from Brazil, just checking out the "local sites" while he was in town. He needed a light, and John was gracious enough to help him out. He asked us who we were and what we did and made typical small talk.

That is when it happened. I saw the most courageous display of patriotism I'd ever witnessed. I told him in that moment who I was, and that I was from India. Then my friend John, introduced himself as Sandy from Pakistan. He said Sandy was his nick-name and that he was from Pakistan, and working here in the US. I was shocked! I was pissed, that he wouldn't tell Tiago that he was Indian. So being the nice guy that I am, I continued to make fun of him for a while. We ended up going back in, and then left a half hour after that. The next day, I asked John, "what the hell man?" "what was that all about bro?" "Your Sandy from Pakistan?" To which John, told me something I will never forget. "Buddy, listen. Yesterday we were doing something we should not be doing, and we were at a place we really shouldn't be at. So whenever I am doing such things, I tell everyone I am from Pakistan, so I do not ruin the good name of Indians".

I was amazed! This is a man that lived patriotically. He always had the good name of his countrymen at heart and did whatever he had to so he didn't ruin it! I was so surprised by his logic that I gave him a hug like you'd see in a Bud Light "I love you man" commercial. I was sincerely amazed by his thinking and actions. What I learned from him that day about patriotism was simple. You don't need flags, and slogans to be patriotic. You simply need to know which group of people you want to point your finger to.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Indian Costume Ideas

People in this country make a big deal about Halloween. I mean people really do go all out to get that perfect costume. Some people try to find the one that is just skanky enough, or the one that is just unique, funny, or scary enough. It really is one of the most festive holidays in America. The best part is that adults take it just as seriously if not more than kids. I had a guy I work with come to work dressed up as the Burger King. I was a little upset when he didn't go around putting money in people's pocket. I once even saw a man dressed up as a beer keg. Pure genius!

So I was wondering what would be the Perfect Costume for Indians? Meaning, if Halloween was as popular a holiday in India as it is in America, what costumes would be the most popular. I put together a list of what I thought might be the ones people would just go nuts over:

1. Human Condom - With the world's second largest population, I figured this was naturally the first choice. It would say to the ladies that I'm not diseased, I care, and most of all I'm a humanitarian. Besides, it takes a real man to pull this off...

2. Paris Hilton - I feel like more and more Western influences are making their way into India. My favorite happens to be the influence of letting the ladies show off their beautiful bodies. I think no American Celebu-tard does it better than Paris Hilton. With some jail time, and popularity on MTV I'm sure throngs of young Indian girls are just dying to be the next Paris Hilton!

3. Govinda - If you don't know who Govinda is, you haven't seen an Indian movie. I mean, this guy has the worst dance moves, and even uglier outfits. However, he has a strong following, because those who watch his movies, and actually enjoy them do in fact think he is the coolest man walking the planet. His gut-shaking, hand-gyrating, face-squinting dance routine is unmatched in Bollywood and beyond. To be Govinda, is to be the very essence of a man in India. Totally uncoordinated, poorly dressed, yet un-dyingly enthusiastic and of course always in Love.

4. Richard Simmons - Okay I just thought it would be hilarious to see any Indian dude to have the cohones to pull this off. I would definitely pay money to see an Indian guy walking around with a candy-striped tank top, 1980's Reeboks, and more hyper than a dog with rabies. I think it would just be hilarious if one of these famous Bollywood dudes, just donned this Halloween outfit for a great, big, international Laugh!

5. Pimp - Halloween is all about dressing up and being something that you are not, its the one time of year when you can be whatever it is you wish to be. With the population being as high as it is, I'm willing to guess that most of the guys there are horny. As a result, the Pimp would be an ideal outfit. Besides, it would allow them to "smack hoes" or as they do in Indian movies just pull the Sari off in a very mean way. I'm convinced every Indian kid on campus and in the call center would be a Pimp if he could for only one day.

In any case, I hope you all have a Happy Halloween, and remember....Keep Your Pimp Hand Way Strong!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Truth About Diwali

We are getting to that time of year when families start to come together. This week its the Indian festival of lights, known as Diwali being celebrated by brown people all over the world. They will clog their arteries and allow cavities to thrive with their sugar filled sweets that are made from ghee (melted butter). Of course these sweets will satisfy the soul, and send Indian spirits flying high. Its in times like these when families will enjoy each others company, and the kids will enjoy the $11 they get from everyone's feet they manage to touch. Its a special time. We put aside our differences for those few moments, and take part in the beautiful festivities of Diwali. We light fireworks, we eat to our heart's content, and of course we have fashion shows and dance competitions.

Diwali has turned into the biggest excuse in the world for Indians to borrow clothes, and walk down a run-way in front of their college peers and friends. For those Indians who can dance, this is their chance to show their stuff. This is their golden moment, to get up on stage and show that even though we wear traditional Indian outfits, we know how to re-mix our songs to hip-hop beats and bust a move that is anything but traditional. At this time of year, college campuses all across the country are filled with hormone-raged college kids that are bossing each other around and trying to figure out what the coolest bhangra step is that they can use into their dance routine. They are hitting up all the malls, and buying the most expensive clothes they can find. They are carefully wearing these clothes in such a way so that the price tag is not seen, and the clothes can be returned after the show is over. But most importantly, they are attacking the streets of the Indian markets to see if they can sucker a business owner to sponsor them. They will explain that their student body comprises of hundreds of students who will never leave campus, but will get exposure to their store that is a 30 mile drive away from campus.

Why do we do this you ask? For one reason, and one reason alone. The Afterparty. That's right. If you are an Indian in college, the Diwali show after-party is the cafeteria talk of the following week. Its where you find out who was dumb enough to wear the fashion-show clothes to the club, and had a drink spilled on their outfit, and will now have to actually purchase the ridiculous thing they intended to return. Its where the boy who was partnered up with a girl for a dance at the show will actually have enough liquid courage to actually grind on her in a crowded dance floor. But most importantly, the main topic of discussion will be the throngs of people that did not get in because when the bouncer asked to make a straight line, they didn't know what that meant. Last but not least, it is the venue where the girl who really didn't like the song that the group picked for the dance gets to bitch about it and start a fight. Aaah yes, the Diwali Show After party is also where the high-school kids with fake IDs get in and try to grind with drunk college chicks. In their own way, it is a festival of lights you might say.

In conclusion, there is one thing that Indians love to do more than anything else, and that is celebrate. Our entire culture revolves around celebration. When god came to earth we celebrate, when he leaves we celebrate, and to remember all the milestones accomplished in between we celebrate. Its just now, in the 21st century, massive prayers have been replaced with Diwali Shows that try to "fuse" the American and Indian cultures. Its is not too uncommon to see an Indian person wearing traditional clothes dancing to an Indian song, which eventually gets remixed into a Lil' John Song, and the dance moves turn into something you'd see on BET at night. Our ancestors, would truly be jealous.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Menopause Mystery

I believe that a man should only have to endure menopause once in his life. Yes, I've said it. It sounds crazy, and I understand its the women who have to endure the hot flashes, and the hormonal civil war that occurs in their bodies, but the abuse men take during this time is seriously not accounted for. In my experience, the stay-at-home Indian moms can be quite a handful to deal with during this transition into the "Golden Years". Everything from the Masala Fury to Raging Hormonal Madness comes out and manifests its self in the form of verbal attacks to you because you are the cause of all that is evil in the world for being a male.

In other areas of medicine, when a person displays the following characteristics:

1 - irrationality
2 - disillusionment
3 - emotionally instability
4 - bipolar tendencies
5 - paranoia

We diagnose them and call them a schizophrenic person. Usually the remedy includes taking medicine such as Zoloft or Risperdal and letting them be on their way. The drugs usually make them more easy to deal with, less hallucinogenic, and as a side effect less horny. However, in the case of Menopause nothing can be done. We've got all the drugs in the world, but we can't find one that will stop a grown woman from cutting the lawn with scissors. On top of that you get yelled at for not helping. Its just unreal!

As a man, its not easy to deal with this. You can not use any of the tools at our disposal such as logic, rationality, and repeated offers of sex. It just gets you into more trouble. Usually if you try to rationalize why it wouldn't be good to spray paint your pet dog, there is a 95% chance you may end up making her cry. However, the part that requires the most patience is the conversation you have to try to keep with a woman going through Menopause. Its like trying to talk to someone who is tripping on Acid or Shrooms. Your ear drums will get bombarded with everything from Women's Rights topics, to politics, and eventually why she thinks the new sweater she bought is "so cute" even though its probably more appropriate for the teenage daughter. I've had the following conversation with a woman going through Menopause:

Me: So what do you want to do for dinner today?
Meno Lady: Why is it always my fault!? What did I do to you? Why do you always blame the dinner problems on me!?
Me: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Can you tell me if you'd like to cook or just order in?
Meno Lady: Wasn't it just a beautiful day outside today? I mean the sun was shining, the birds were churping, it was just lovely.
Me: So I guess I should call Dominos?
Meno Lady: Go kill yourself. You wouldn't be anything without me! You don't even know! You just don't get it!
Me: Would you like Cheesy Bread?

The tactic to employ here is to be consistent. Either way, you are not going to win.

So for all the men in the world that are enduring the fury of Menopause, the only advice I can offer is for you to just stick it out. In the words of Will Ferrel in Old School "Keep on truckin". It ain't easy, but once it has passed, the emotions won't change so frequently, and maybe just maybe you might even be able to use a lawn mower to cut the grass. After Menopause you will be begging for the days of begging for sex, and hoping to squeeze it in between Scrabble and Grey's Anatomy.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The End of an Era

Its that time of year again. The leaves are changing color, the weather is getting cooler, and the women are trading in their bikinis for their turtlenecks. The Fall is here. Its one of my favorite times of year, because it signifies change. The leaves let you know that another year is almost over, and the Sunday drinking tells you football season has begun. However, this year is different. This year, we are not only changing seasons, but changing our leader of America. This year, George W. Bush will officially leave the Oval Office, and either McCain or Obama will take his place.

As the 2008 election campaign anxiously approaches November 4th, I've decided to take this opportunity to look back and reflect. The American Dream is still alive. You know it is because there are still more people trying to get into this country than trying to get out. However, no one has lived the American Dream in a more distinguished way than George Dubbya. He's done many things - 1) Screw up the economy, 2) Start an unnecessary war, 3) Make oil ridiculously expensive, and so on and so forth.

However, I like to think of myself as an optimistic man. So, I'd like to share with you all what a friend shared with me. This would be some of the wise and profound sayings that George Dubbya left with us. All great and noble statesmen leave a legacy with some of their thoughts and sayings that become enshrined in the minds of humanity and get passed on from generation to generation. For example, in ancient Rome Cicero would leave us with thought provoking sayings such as "Advice is judged by results, not by intentions". In much the same way George W. Bush also left us with some wonderful words of wisdom which I'd like to share with you and give you my own take on what he meant:

1 - "Most imports are from outside the country" - I think he was really trying to tackle the immigration issue here. I think what he was trying to differentiate is the imports that come from other countries, as opposed to the imports made by the illegal immigrants locally. I'm sorry, I tried, but this is just a stupid fucking statement.

2 - "You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on" - I think the people he was referring to were Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleeza Rice.

3 - "Well, I think if you say your going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness" - Obviously, this was one of his greatest sayings ever. We all know this is directed towards Bin Laden. Dubbya is simply trying to imply to Bin Laden that he's going to find him, and then not do it, ergo, maintaining his trustworthiness with the American People. In the words of John McCain we've got Bin Laden "Right where we want em". In a safe cave, away from harm, and unable to be located.

4 - “There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee...that says, fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool can't get fooled again.” - I believe this was the inspirational speech he gave to congress after he was informed that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

5 - “When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive.” - Clearly he is implying that Bin Laden is a Camel Butt.

All in all, the presidency of George W. Bush will be remembered as an interesting one to say the least. At least we all will learn what happens when you elect a guy you'd like to have a beer with at a barbecue for president. The nation deals with the hangover. On the other hand, I also believe that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Maybe the next President can be the opposite reaction to whatever Bush was. Intelligent, eloquent, and inspiring.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Creep & Grind

If you were born somewhere between 1970 and 1998 there is a good chance you went to a party. There is an even better chance that at that party they played some hip-hop music. If you're lucky, you may have even had the good fortune of "grinding" with someone. Now, you must understand that grinding and dancing is two completely different things. Don't believe the hype, grinding is simply grinding, and dancing is dancing. Dancing involves coordination, and rhythmic symmetry displayed in articulate movements shadowed by both people. Grinding involves a stiff drink, a stiffy, and inhibition.

Now according to this article by wikipedia, they claim it is a dance which involves "two or more dancers rubbing their bodies together, especially the genitallia". Of course, like all inaccurate websites they fail to give you the truth. Don't worry though, the Indian guy is here to tell you the truth. According to my research, grinding was discovered in the jungles of India. That's right, I'm gonna be the first one to come out and say it. There was a guy, who was trying to seduce a girl, and he ran out of ideas. She did not accept his jalebis (Indian sweets), and when he sang to her she cried because he was so bad. One day he was sitting in the jungle, and he noticed the mating rituals of monkeys. He noticed how the male monkey simply did not take no for an answer. Every time the male monkey tried to talk to the female monkey, the femal monkey would slap him in the face, but he stayed the course. Eventually when the female monkey was not looking he crept behind her and did his thing. When the monkey was done he yelled out a Borat style "Great Success!"

Upon witnessing this, the Indian realized "Of course", I must do the creep and grind. At the next cultural festival, he used this mamallian technique. At first, he kept getting dirty looks, and even threats. However, there was a moment in time when she was alone, and waiting in line for some water. No one was around, and he made his move. He went behind her and did his thing. She was surprised, shocked, and strangely satisfied. The first succesfull creep and grind in history was accomplished! He went on and spread the word to his friends. Of course, Indians are known for a variety of things, and the inability to keep secrets is definately one of them.

Now some will tell you its inappropriate to grind, but if monkeys can do it, and we're higher creatures then they are, then shouldn't we be able to proudly display our natural abilities? The creep and grind isn't for everyone. If you are the type of person who worries about what others may think, this may not be the right thing for you. However, I must warn you that the hardest part of this dance is the "Creep". In my estimation, the most succesfull people when it comes to the art of the "Creep" are stock brokers, because to these people its a numbers game and you just don't take no for an answer. The more you leads you hit, the better your odds are of a favorable response. Of course this requires, lack of grace and shame, but the juice can be worth the squeeze.

The "Grind" on the other hand is the reward for the hard work. Like anything in life, you have your own way of getting your reward. You can use the numbers theory which works well for many people, or you can do something that hasn't been done in years. You can actually try to ask someone for a dance. Now, I know I mentioned that grinding is not dancing. However, you must understand that we are animals. Like all animals we have our own techniques of attracting our prey. Some animals make themselves look like something else, and then strike when the prey is close. Others, ask women for a dance in a nightclub, and then when the booze has hit, and she yells out "Ooh! This is my song!" in one swift motion you can go from artful dancer, to shameless grinder. Like all succesfull hunters it helps to deploy a team strategy. Usually having your friends distract her friends can ensure the grind goes more succesfully.

The one thing I must urge everyone, is that there is an unspoken rule. Under no circumstance shall anyone EVER stare at another couple grinding. Its like having someone watch you while having sex. Sure there are those who are into it, but for most its an invasion of privacy.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sheer Stupidity

Life is full of surprises. A slight of hand here, and a twist of fate there, can completely change the course of your journey. I learned this lesson the hard way, many years ago, when I had gotten my first car. It was a Dodge Neon. Nothing to brag about, but even though I didn't know it, this car would be my metaphor for life in many ways. It was a piece of crap, but it got me from point A to point B, and even allowed me to go on dates occasionally. It was poorly designed, worked inconsistently, but was mine to behold and cherish. Some time after I got my car, I was involved in an incident that would ensure my life would never be the same.

After graduating college my life consisted of work, gym, and girlfriend. I worked in New York City, barely made any money, and went to the gym after work. My motivation for going to the gym was 2-fold. Of course I wanted to be in shape for the girlfriend, but more importantly I worked for the corporate headquarters of Club Monaco clothing. My office consisted of 79 women, and 21 men, of which 14 were gay. So I had to be in shape, or else I'd feel like I simply did not belong. Every day consisted of an exhausting commute chasing after buses and trains, and them coming home and hitting the weights at Guido Central, otherwise known as The Pyramid Club.

On a typical Wednesday, I went into work, and did my job. I fixed people's computers. I had no time for breakfast, so at lunch time, I was famished. I had a nice fulfilling burrito. I spent the rest of the day attending to my tasks at work, and then commuted back home. My cousin had agreed to come to the gym with me that day. So off we went. We started out at the treadmill. It was quite embarrassing, because my burrito was making its way through my system, and I had to let one rip while running. I refused to slow down the treadmill, and I refused to get off before finishing 2 miles, as a result the Black Woman next to me had to suffer. I saw the look of disgust in her face as soon as the gas had whaffed her way. I also made a similar look of disgust to hint that the wrong-doing was not my fault. I carried on after I finished my run, and went to the weights. My cousin and I had an exhaustive work out. We cooled off with some water and decided to go home.

I got in my Dodge Neon like I had done hundreds of times before, but this time would be different. I was feeling satisfied from my workout, and relieved from the burrito. I blasted the radio and was rocking out to some obscure house song. I pulled out of my parking spot and me and my cousin were on our way home. I got to the edge of the lot, and went to make the left turn. I cut the wheel and accelerated.


When you think you are going to die, you react in unusual ways. I don't know what happened, or how it happened, but when I came to my senses the glass was shattered, and the air bag was blowing hot steam. "Run! Run for your life man! The car is gonna blow!!!!" My cousin and I were scared out of our minds. My cousin had so much adrenaline in him that he kicked the door open and we ran from the car like John McCain would run from a Vietnamese restaurant. We were yelling at all the people coming out of the gym "Be careful, the car is gonna explode!" When everyone started hysterically laughing at us, I knew that I was thoroughly embarrassed and in fact my car was not going to explode.

Apparently, I was so stupid, that when I made the left turn I didn't realize there was a curb there. With my talented driving skills I actually managed to accelerate the car into the curb. I did it so fast, that the front of the car caught air, and when it landed my axle broke in half. The airbags had deployed, and the windows had exploded from the pressure. I can't explain why I thought the car was gonna blow up. Maybe I thought I was a hero in a movie. However, if I was someone coming out of the gym, and I saw two idiots running from a car that was on a curb, yelling that it was gonna blow, I'd probably laugh my ass off as well. All in all, I screwed up the Neon so bad, that couldn't even be towed properly, they had to get a special tow truck that actually lifted the car off the ground, to bring it back to my house. All my neighbors kept asking how it happened, and when I told them they fell of their asses laughing.

I guess, sometimes stupidity does not even begin to describe a situation. Life like my Neon can come to an unexpected end that no one might see coming. The only thing to do afterwards is laugh about how retarded the driver is.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

More Than Meets The Eye

He was excited. He had no idea what lay ahead of him. Raj had always dreamed of coming to America and it was finally about to happen. He was so excited about the buildings, the cultures, his new co-workers, and of course the women. See, living in India besides from what he read on the internet all he knew of America was Baywatch and McDonalds. He had spent all of his life studying and working in India, and never really thought he'd be working or living in America. However, he was working for a company that had an office in the States. Raj had performed exceptionally well, in fact he performed so well that the US Office wanted him there, and he got an opportunity to go.

He was sad. How could a person who has only lived with his parents and never even gone outside his home state in India, ever survive in a country like America? Then he thought to himself, Baywatch & McDonalds, that is how I will get by. One day while going about his business, his boss called him into his office. "Raj, you've been performing really well, and we want to send you to America. You will be given a place to live there, and a salary which will be paid in Dollars. What do you think about that?" An immediate grin was plastered on his face, and he was so full of excitement, he could barely manage to say the words "That sounds like a good opportunity". In reality, he was thinking "Aray Vah! America, I am COMMMING!" He left his boss's office and pointed his 2 fingers in the air and did a fake bhangra move before walking back to his desk. He was so full of excitement he couldn't do any work for the rest of the day. He had grand visions of being on the beach and rescuing women in bikinis from the silver waters of the Pacific, who returned the favor to him in his favorite way. A smile and druel were interrupted when his boss came by and dropped a stack of papers on his desk saying, "I need this done by the end of today, and I will discuss what we talked about tomorrow after the meeting with you". He quickly finished the task at hand, and went off to his big dreams. Later that day he came home from work, and explained the big news to his folks. They were happy for him. The kind of happiness a father feels when he gives his daughter away at a wedding. They knew it was for the best, but they knew nothing would ever be the same.

The next day Raj came into the office, with a somber state of mind. He was incredibly excited, and unbelievably sad knowing that he may have to leave this life he had known forever. His boss then gave him the news. The company would shift him to the US, and pay for his apartment for 6 months, and give him a car to help him get around. He would be leaving in 2 weeks time. He spent those two weeks shopping for warm clothes, and saying goodbye to his closest friends and family. It was not easy, but it was exciting. It was the same type of excitement a high school student might feel on graduation day. When the day came, Raj bowed down and touched the feet of all his elders, with the utmost respect and showed complete gratitude for his culture and religion. He left some extra money at the temple for good luck in his new venture and went to the airport. He had never flown before, so to find out he was a business-class passenger was a beautiful thing.

The air hostesses were beautiful, the people were friendly, and the alcohol was delicious and free. Johnny Walker Blue Label helped Raj fall into a deep sleep. He slept like a child. When he awoke, he was somewhere close to New York. Then the pilot announced the local temperature was 32 degrees Fahrenheit. Just like that all the visions of Baywatch and Pamela Anderson instantly disappeared. "All I have now is McDonalds" Raj thought to himself. When he landed in New York, a car was waiting for him. The driver's name was Carter, and he was quite the talkative person. He thought to himself how great this was going to be. He got to his apartment and he was astonished to have a huge 2-bedroom townhouse all to himself. He soon realized that he could walk around naked and no one would care, because he's the only one home. As he was un-packing and strolling about with nothing on, the door bell rang. He was freaked! He threw on some shorts and a t-shirt, and another guy was at the door. As Raj opened the door, Nick walked in with his bags. "Nice to meet you buddy, I'm Nick. I've recently been hired and we are sharing this 2-bedroom townhouse for 6 months I believe". Just like that the nudist colony became a formal place.

On his first day of work, Raj was blown away. He couldn't believe how tight the clothes were on all the women. There are times when a man arrives at a place, and he feels an instant connection. There are times when he does not. That connection, for some reason just makes everything feel "right". This was one of those times. This country, and this company gave Raj a feeling he hadn't felt in a really long time. Unfortunately after meeting Heather the receptionist, the feeling he felt was also in his pants, and Raj had to quickly excuse himself. After meeting everyone and making his way to his desk, Raj began to get familiar with his job requirements, and what was expected of him. He thought to himself, I will be focused, and I will work harder than everyone. That state of mind lasted a whole week. He found it incredibly hard to be this way with Nick goofing around right next to him all the time. Nick was always flirting with women on the phone and being a bit obnoxious. Ironically, this didn't bother Raj. Being the quiet one his whole life, Raj admired Nick's "free-flowing" attitude.

Then the day came, which changed Raj forever. Up to this point, Raj was always quiet and kept his thoughts to himself. However, on this day Heather was wearing something that was out right provocative. Raj couldn't contain it. She walked by, and Raj made a small noise under his breath. The kind of noise you would make if you were constipated. He was sure no one had heard. Unfortunately Nick started cracking up laughing. Raj quickly blushed and said "Neeck, you know, sometimes these things I cannot control. Did you see Heather today? She is looking too nice. When she is walking like this, I cannot control my desires sometimes". Nick knew the perfect solution. "Raj my friend, I am taking you tonight to a place where you don't have to hold in your desires". After dinner Nick, Raj, and few other co-workers showed up to a gentleman's club. Raj asked "What is a gentleman's club Nick? They have some drinks here?" "You will see my friend, they have a lot more than just drinks".

When Candy caressed Raj's thighs and took the dollar out his mouth in ways he never thought possible, he finally thought to himself "I have arrived". Forget about Baywatch & McDonalds, this is the real American Dream! After a couple of hours in there Nick was ready to head back home. Raj was no where to be found. Finally Nick found him, "Raj, we have to go, you can't spend all your money here". Clearly intoxicated with lust and alcohol Raj replied "Why not? I can do whatever I want. No mummy, no daddy, only Raj. I will take one more dance, than we can go". Nick waited impatiently. Finally the two of them went home. The next day at work, Raj had a horrible headache and was late for his meeting. Finally at lunch time he opened up his wallet and only found receipts. He could not believe he spent $600 so quickly! At the same time, he didn't feel so bad, because he had more fun than he had in a very long time. When Friday came, Raj suggested they go back to the gentleman's club. Unfortunately, Nick was not up for it. So Raj gathered other coworkers and went back.

As time went on Raj became a usual at this establishment. He continued to make groaning noises on days when Heather dressed promiscuously. However, Nick knew that he created a monster. It was too late. Raj had a taste of American flesh and cheap perfume, and he was hooked. "Nick, we can go tonight na?" "Na! You crazy bastard we can't! You can't!" he replied. Raj dismissed him, and Nick noticed that the people Raj was going with were the newbies from the Indian office. He finally realized one great truth about these guys from India. That is, that they are incredibly horny.

At that point he realized that while we were outsourcing to India, the Indians were outsourcing to us at the same time. It was a simple economic trade-off. Software for stage-dancers.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Brown Instincts

According to wikipedia instincts are "inherited fixed action patterns". They are a fixed set of reactions to certain stimuli. Most of the time creatures use instincts for survival. For example, a horse's first reaction to a threat is to flee.

With this concept of instincts as being something that is "innate", I began to wonder, what are the instincts of the species known as "The Indian Man"? I mean really what stimuli, when applied to any Indian Man will prompt the same reaction all over the world? At first, I thought this was preposterous. Can all Indian men have the same reaction to certain stimuli? This is just a silly hypothesis I thought to myself. Then I arrived in Frankfurt for a business conference. There, I saw it unfold with my own eyes. There are certain things that all Indian men just seem to have a natural ability to do.

For example, when a vulture sees a dead carcass, it will usually circle it several times, and then all the vultures will feed off the dead carcass. From my experience, it seems to me that when an Indian Man finds a strip club in a new city. Just like the vultures do, he will survey it several times over, and before you know it all the Indian men in that city will find themselves there. This happened my second night of the conference I was attending in Europe. I was taking it easy and had just returned from a nice meal. Afterwards, my colleagues and I were winding down the night with some well-deserved post-dinner drinks. Afterwards, one of my colleagues turns to me and says "Hey buddy, would you like to join us at a lounge tonight?" I thought to myself, these guys are not from around here, so they must have asked around and found a decent lounge / bar. Well, it turns out that what they found was a strip club that was a haven for every Indian Business man in that city! I mean literally I walked in, and freakin felt like I stepped onto a train in Mumbai.

Then I saw the other fixed reaction to a stimuli. A naked woman went over and asked for a dance, and all the guys no matter how bad they wanted one initially said no. Some of them had their money ready, but for some reason, just did not want to be the first one to get a dance. Being the Alpha Male that I like to think I am, I offered my services. I laid down on the bar with some Euros in my mouth, and showed my fellow species how its done. I like to think that was the tipping point, because after that the bodies were piling up on stage as if it was some kind of religious ritual.

Finally, I saw the last fixed reaction the following day. When all of us were at the conference, every single person who was at that club the night before when asked about how their night was responded with the same exact response. "It was fine. Nothing much to see here in this city. We had some drinks and called it a night." But they all had a dirty smile etched onto their souls, and memories of dirty Euros in their mouths. No matter how much I tried to just say where I was, all I could muster up was "Aaah, it was nothin. No big deal. Don't even recall really what happened".

Friday, September 26, 2008

Women Parasites

Not too long ago, I was having a stressful day at work, and a good friend who I'll call AJ, agreed to help me kill some brain cells by pounding some booze. The effect was magical. Before I stepped into the establishment, my head felt heavy, and my neck, and shoulders felt like I had the world's problems on them. A few brews in, I was light on my feet, and felt loose enough to take on the world. As men often do when releasing stress, me and my buddy got to talkin.

"So how's things with your girl?" I asked. "Could be better" he said. Now you should know one thing about AJ. He is one of the most analytical people I've ever met. I mean everything to this guy is an analysis. A drink of water will only occur, if the investment of time and effort put into getting it, is worth it. He thinks about everything in terms of timing, effort put in, and what is gained. Everything accept one thing that is - his girlfriend. He said something quite interesting to me when he uttered the words "If I was thinking about this rationally, I'd have let her go by now. But at some point you've got to throw logic and rationality out the window and use your emotions I guess. If you don't , your not human". For him to say this, for me was the ultimate testament that people are emotional creatures more than anything.

Getting deeper into the conversation he said something that I'll never forget. "There's something to be said about the parasitic nature of women" were the words he spoke that stuck to my mind. For some reason, this statement sparked a curiosity in my mind, and I did a little homework. According to wikipedia "Parasitism is a type of symbiotic relationship between organisms of different species[citation needed] in which one, the parasite, benefits from a prolonged, close association with the other, the host, which is harmed. In general, parasites are much smaller than their hosts, show a high degree of specialization for their mode of life and reproduce more quickly and in greater numbers than their hosts". "The harm and benefit in parasitic interactions concern the biological fitness of the organisms involved. Parasites reduce host fitness in many ways, ranging from general or specialized pathology (such as castration), impairment of secondary sex characteristics, to the modification of host behaviour. Parasites increase their fitness by exploiting hosts for food, habitat and dispersal."

Upon reading this definition, I felt a sense of familiarity come over me. Kind of like those situations you see sometimes and think "Oh yeah, I know exactly what that feels like". He said as we carried on talking, that he didn't mind this, but its just that once in a while, when he needed something he just assumed she'd be there, and when it doesn't happen you kind of feel like sh*t. All of this was a bit much to take in at once. The two voices in my head (Stella Artois and Sam Adams) were screaming how much my friend was right! However, I had to think about this. Are women really parasites to men? Do they get more out of a relationship than men do?

Well, I thought I'd think this out point-by-point and see if women fit this definition:

1 - Parasites are much smaller than their host
Yes, but not always, since some dudes like more "cushion for the pushin"

2 - Show a high degree of specialization for their mode of life
Most women I know are pretty much all over the place all the freakin time. If I need a quick decision, I would probably avoid asking a woman, however if I needed a smart decision, that's probably the way to go, since we all know what "head" men use 98% of the time. This theory doesn't really fit.

3 - Reproduce more quickly and in greater numbers than their host
This one is just self-explanatory

4 - Parasites reduce host fitness
This one can go either way. Women either piss men off so much, that they go to the gym to blow off steam, or they drive them to alcohol/drug abuse. Either way you develop a tolerance for pain.

5 - Modification of host behaviour
I believe there is no question regarding this trait. A man, any man, always behaves differently when he's in a relationship, than when he's not. I have a buddy who when he was single got to 3rd base with a girl in a club one night, then asked everyone to smell his finger. This same buddy of mine, is now telling me he's ready for kids.

In conclusion, although this is an interesting comparison if I concluded that women were parasites, I probably would never get laid. But besides that, I think women are a necessary part of being a man. They get us to see things differently, and sometimes its good, and sometimes it ain't.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Financial Advice

The economy sucks. The US government is bailing out more companies than a Bond-broker in Camden. It is aweful. While the Wall Street Gurus were over-evaluating investments, the US government decided you should be the one who pays for their stupidity. But hey, maybe in that moment, at that time, an idea to fund a company that was selling personalized maneur figurines had a "niche" market. Who knows? Oh by the way, you know whose responsible for the $700 Bn bailout that Wallstreet managed to screw up? You guessed it, YOU. So what can you do to get by in these crazy times?

Well, The Indian Guy has some tips for you. Financially savvy, folks will tell you about diversified investments, and low-risk bets. But I say - fu*% that! The following are some ideas guaranteed to keep the revenues coming in, and not providing an annoying hindrance to your lifestyle:

Prostitution - The way I see it, this is a win-win (except for the whole thing about it being illegal)

Organ selling - Did you know that a kidney is worth $20,000 on the black market? On top of that you have another one to spare!

Immigrant smuggling - You may not realize it, but even though the US economy seems to be in the crapper, there are still more people who want to come here, than want to get out. This creates a silver lining for an entrepreneur whose looking to "help" those live the American Dream, by spending thousands of dollars to get into the country in the backs of the finest trucks and boats. The reward for your good deed is another cleaning company, and the feeling of pride you will get when another person gets to "live the dream" by opening another gas station, or cleaning an office building.

English Tutor- With all the hords of immigrants flocking to the US, there will be a need for tutors of the English language. Unless of course they speak Spanish. In that case, America will feel like a Starbucks in Mexico City. It will have the same stuff, but the menu will be a bit more organized, and the place will be a bit more cleaner. However, for all the Asian immigrants making their way over here an English tutor will be just what they need. Hey, you might even be able to charge extra if you can teach ebonics.

Run for President - Do you have catch phrases? Can you offer theoretical solutions to problems? Do you know how to say cool phrases such as "No way, No how, No McCain?". Do you have the ability to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on bridges we don't need? Do you have the ability to make problems go away, by simply denying the problem exists? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you just might be able to run for president. With the internet, its never been easier to raise money for "your campaign". Ron Paul, who isn't even a nominated candidate made something like $20 million in one day over the internet.

Facebook Bitch - It seems like everyone hates the new facebook. Why not sell rants about how much the new facebook sucks to everyone in your network? You can sell cool catch phrases like that people can put as their status. For example "Michael thinks the new facebook blows more than his ex-girlfriend Jenny", or "Jenny thinks the new facebook is about as useful as Michael's penis. Sure it was a change from what she had before, but it doesn't mean it works".

I guess, in times like these is when true innovation occurs. Its times like these, where people really get creative about making money, and how to get by. Who knows, maybe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise.

Friday, September 19, 2008

How to Keep a Man Happy

I recently came across this article on Wikihow about how to keep your (sober ) man happy (between the ages of 21 - 30). I was thoroughly annoyed by this article, just like I'm annoyed with most articles written on this topic. Its obviously written by a woman. I find it hilarious that so many articles about keeping your man happy are written by women. Its like a marriage counselor giving marriage advice, whose never been married themselves. I mean seriously people, can we get a man to write these articles?! If I wanted to know how to bake a cake, I wouldn't ask my mechanic - you know what I'm saying?

In any case, this person goes onto explain that among other things you shouldn't "convey yourself to your man". God forbid! Then this person goes onto explain "helps if you are the same way with your man, telling him the honest-to-goodness truth about what he says and does as it happens". Well I have a NEWSFLASH: THE PROBLEM WITH MOST PEOPLE IS THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY SAY OR SAY WHAT THEY MEAN! I'm willing to bet that 90% of all relationship fights occur, because both the man AND the woman don't say the truth about how they feel. Even if its a good thing, they feel the need to hold back. Why? I don't know. I guess we're afraid of showing who we really are.

Continuing on to the wonderful advice, this person goes onto explain "Don't assume that doing nice things for your man, even things that are traditionally viewed as subservient, will make him view you as any less independent". Yes, that is exactly how to keep us men happy. By NOT BEING NICE TO US! You know, us guys, we loooooove to bicker and bitch it out with the ladies, because we have nothing better to do. Let me explain something here. Bickering to women is like jerking off to men. Sometimes we do it, just because there's nothing else going on! Its a win-win since it provides pleasure, and kills time all at once.

I just find it sad, that we live in this day and age where websites ask for personality profiles, and magazines go around giving suggestions of hundreds of things that can be done to keep men and/or women happy. When the truth of the matter is that we are simple creatures with simple needs. We don't have to give into all the hype. I believe Dave Chapelle said it best when he said "If you wanna keep a man happy, its simple. Suck his dick, play with his balls, and make him a sandwhich".

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Oh ya? Is She Hot?

If you've ever told a buddy about a girl your dating, there is a very good chance he's uttered the words "Oh ya, is she hot?" to you. I don't understand why guys ask this question to their friends, however it is inevitable, and I'm convinced its been happening since the dawn of civilization. It makes no sense to me as to why one would ask this question. Almost always the response is "Hell yea!", or "She kind of looks like Megan Fox with bigger tits, and a stronger libido", and for a more honest person he might say "She's a butterface, but a freak in the sack" or something along these lines. I can't think of any guy I know, who would say to his friends "Na bro, she's nasty. She got buck teeth, a wig, and crusty nails. But you know what? She's a nice girl". The most honest guys I know will usually respond with "She has a great personality" which I translate into one of the following:

1 - She's hideous
2 - She's rich
3 - She's about to die and leave you a fortune
4 - She has dentures and when they are removed it makes for great fellacio

Being the wonderer that I am, I began to ponder why do men ask this question. I found some possible explanations:

1. To be a good friend - Maybe your friend just wants to make sure that your genuinely getting what you deserve. Maybe he's asking, because he's trying to catch you off-guard and see how you really feel. In which case, if she's a cow, he'll convince you to let the butchers have her, so you can find something else.

2. Self Assurance - Maybe your friend wants to make sure that when you bring this girl around, she's not a hag, and thereby make him look bad since he's hanging around with uglier people. Believe it or not, maybe your friend may pretend not to know you if you actually have the balls to bring her out in public. He may leave clues by only hanging out with you and your new girl at the movies where he insists on meeting you inside, or for a nice dinner at one of your houses. Pretty much avoiding public places altogether.

3. Self Doubt - I know way too many guys who claim to bang more women than Ron Jeremy in his prime. These guys, will always tell you about the girl they met last week, and how hot she was and how she was a freak in the sack, and her friend wanted a 3-some, and just couldn't get enough of him. The funny thing is, you never see this guy with any of these chicks. I wonder why. So by asking you this question, he now has a new story to tell another friend or coworker that you probably don't know about this hot new girl he met.

I can't really think of any other reasons besides these for why a guy would ask this question, but whatever the reason is, its pretty pointless. Most men see women as hot/bang-her-tonight material or cute & pretty/bang-her-over-a-long-period material. Either the chick looks like a pornstar and will be treated like one, or she looks like a good mother, and get treated the same way. Either way beauty is in the eye of the liar (I mean beholder) I guess.