Thursday, January 29, 2009

How To Tell If She is Cheating

We live in promiscuous times. The girl you're dating or the woman you married, probably gets mentally undressed, more than you care to know. However, it does not make it her fault. Its really hard to know if a woman is cheating on you or not. I mean, if a woman is good (most women are), you may go your whole life thinking you were the lucky person who never had to deal with infidelity. What I do find hilarious, is that it seems like today there are more and more experts out there to tell you if a woman is cheating. I recently came across this article that claims to do just that. Some guy who works for Men's Health tried to breakdown the type of people your girl might be cheating on you with. Well, being the friendly guy that I am, I'd like to give you my breakdown of each of his categories:

1. The Overly Interested Boss

He says to worry when she's "focused on pleasing him and not her job". Let me tell you something buddy, pleasing him is her job. When her reports are handed in on time, the boss is pleased. Of course the woman he interviewed hear is an "expert" who claims you shouldn't become a maniac (surprised? I think not!).

In any case, signs that the boss might be interested in her may include slapping her in the ass and saying "good work" like she's one of the guys on a football field, or he may tell her that you are a pathetic douche bag, and he can take her away to his summer house in the Virgin Islands and plow her for a week straight and expense the whole thing on the company. Then you might want to worry.

2. The Ex She's Still Friends With

He says that you should worry "when they talk frequently and secretly". No shit Sherlock! You should also probably worry when she lies to you and tells you that she's gonna hang with the girls and then runs off to see her Ex at his apartment, and comes home without her bra. He says a "once a year, 15-min phone call is nothing to get upset about". Which in reality just means, that was the one time you caught her.

However, I am a big believer in being friends with your Ex's, and if your girl tells you she's gonna go hang out with him, than you should probably leave her alone. After all, the same rules apply to you when you go to see your Ex playa. There is one important thing to note, if your Ex is a prostitute, than these rules may not apply to you.

3. The Ex She Still Pines For

He says to worry when "she drops his name in subtle comparisons to you". For example, when she screams his name while riding you in the bedroom. That might be a sign, that somebody else has been sharing your skirt.

Let's face it buddy, if she still wants her Ex, than your just not cutting it. He says you should "confront" her and tell her "I want to be with someone who knows what she wants." This is unbelievable! I'm no expert, but I do know, that no woman knows what she wants! She thought she wanted you when she was 12 SoCo and Lime shots in at the bar, and in the dark light you probably looked like her Ex, that's probably when she wanted you. Now that she's sober, and realizes you look like Urkel, she's probably not that interested.

4. The Hands-On Personal Trainer

You are just fucked. This guy is in great shape, he's charming, he makes your girl feel good about herself, and he gets to put his hands all over her ass and say "do you feel that in your glutes?" I bet she'll be feeling something else in her glutes before its all said and done.

He says you should worry "when she shares intimate details about him", for example the size of his cock might be an intimate detail that might give it away. But then again, I"m no expert.

5. The Smitten Suitor

He doesn't really describe where this guy fits into her life, so I'm gonna assume its the guy she met at the bar during happy hour with her co-workers, and then disappeared with for 3 hours. He says you should worry when "she ignores the situation because she hates conflict." Really? When you ask her "Where were you for 3 hours, I was with your coworkers because you told me to meet you", and all she says is "What? I was there the whole time?", and you say "But I see a hickey on your neck, and nail marks on your back" and she goes "Don't you trust me?" Then, there might be a problem.

Look fellas, the bottom line is that women are much slicker than men. Odds are if she's cheating on you or has, you probably won't know until its too late anyway. So to stress yourself out over something you probably can't prove anyway, ain't worth it. If all else fails, we always have our fortress of solitude - the strip club.

Monday, January 26, 2009


Its been a very long time since I last posted something, and for that I apologize. I've been quite busy both personally and professionally, but I've finally made some time to share with you my thoughts on various topics, as well as more or less let you in on some of the silliness that occurs in my everyday life.

So most recently, I was in India. I was in Gujarat, and attending several weddings, and most of the people's whose weddings I was attending were younger than me. In Gujarat, this is not good. It means that my "potato might be broken" (as my one uncle calls it) and that's why I'm not married, or that I might have some other reason as to why I'm not married. Naturally, being that I was in a country of a billion people, of which half of them think they are cupid, everyone tried to find me a suitable "life partner". In order to keep my mom from crying (and blowing a gasket!) I agreed to go "bio-dating".

I've written before, on "Bio-datas" and how they are the pimp vouchers of the Indian meat market of guys/girls in their mid-20's. Well, Bio-dating, in my opinion, is the actual process of the transaction. Now, I must tell you, that most people who go bio-dating never come out single from this process. There is tremendoub pressure on an individual to pick someone, and get married from the entire family. Everything from name calling, to begging and pleading occurs. Mothers usually lose their cool, and emotionally blackmale their children to find a spouse so they can have a dream wedding that they've always wanted. In my family, all of my cousins who have gone thru this process usually came out married. They cracked under the pressure. In any case, I had the one thing that none of my cousins had - a girlfriend back in the states. However, as I've also mentioned Patel parents, like to keep the "royal" blood in their own circles, and being that my girlfriend back home wasn't a Patel, they thought that at the very least I should see what Patel ladies I'm missing out on.

Well, as it turns out on, my parents did a piss-poor job of evaluating "the talent". They sorted out bio-datas based on education, and looks. I can honestly tell you none of them were lookers. I did however meet one girl who I like to call a "Gujrati Gold Digger" (cuz I don't see her w/no broke ...), I met a "Lovable Liar", and I even met someone who just got smacked by the shit end from the stick of life - she was hurtin. The Gujarati Gold digger showed up in her Dior Glasses and looked like she just stepped out of Pacha after doing blow and ex for about 12 hours. She said to me that "she has a short temper and wants a man that won't blow up at her when she gets mad at him." The "lovable liar" was a quiet lady who when I asked her if she knew how to speak English she said she did. Then when I asked her a question in English she had no idea what I was saying. Then in Gujrati when I asked her if she understood English, she said "yeah, I'm completely comfor-table vith it". Well, the 3rd girl, I actually felt bad for. I mean, if you took a frog and mated it with like bird, and then that creature had sex with a gorilla, it would probably look like this girl. She just didn't have much going for her, and she wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. Ironically, her uncle knew my uncle, and that family just assumed that since they knew each other, I was gonna end up takin their niece home.

All in all, I went through about 20 ladies, and as the process continued, I realized more and more what was going to happen. I was going to deny all of these ladies, and I was going to crush my parents dreams of bringing home a Patel lady. Eventually, on a cold night, when the family was sitting together, I kind of just told everyone that I'm not interested in seeing any more girls. For a moment, I think they were expecting me to tell them I was gay, in which case I might've been shot, but then when I told them about my girlfriend back home I think they were relieved.

In any case, I can tell you that the whole process is interesting. I mean there were definately some awkward moments. For example, one father sat with his daughter in the room, and in front of her asked me what kind of woman I'm attracted to physically. The whole time I wanted to tell him, pretty much the exact opposite of what you have here. There was another case where my mom started trying to freak out the other family about how religous she is. She claimed that she didn't even drink water from anywhere else but her own home, and that when she went out to other social functions she took her own water! In any case, the one thing I learned is that Americans and Indians have to completely different views on marriage. In America, a marriage is a culmination, whereas in India a marriage is just the beginning.