Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Jersey Guy

I'm sure you've all experienced it. Your out on the town having a good time with your friends, and you come across "that guy". You know, the guy who talks as if he knows everything about everything. He's done everything you have, only better, and he knows the same things you know, but he's only smarter. Yes, ladies and gentleman, you have encountered what I like to call a Jersey Guy. I can't explain it, and I don't know how it happens, however I am convinced that no matter where you go in the world, you can find someone from New Jersey. I had my first taste of this when I was in Mexico at a bar, waiting to go to the bathroom and a bunch of guys started chanting "Let's Go Yankees!" (For some reason all Jersey Guys seem to be Yankees fans). India, China, South America, Europe, you name it, there are people from Jersey all over! It truly is one of humanities most mysterious phenomenon's.

I recently had one of these experiences in NYC. I was out having a good time and I encountered the quintessential Jersey Guy. He was talking to me about life, love, philosophy, and of course he's the guy who "comes here all the time". I didn't know what to do. I was stuck between a guido and a hard place. I had my cousin hanging with me on the side, so I dragged him into the conversation with me. The Jersey Guy gave us all kinds of information on love such as "bro, if she ain't your best friend, than fugggedaboutit if your thinkin of marrying her". Of course two minutes later when his girlfriend went to the bathroom, he started staring at other girls and grabbing his crotch and saying things like "Do you believe this girl? Bro, she's buuuuuutiful". In any case, we endured this until he had to leave. I think it was more like therapy session for him, because he seemed to be a lot calmer after our conversation. And, by conversation I mean he was talking and I was forced to listen. By the end, I got a bro-hug from him, and he told me he'd see me later.

Now, I"m sure many of you have had similar experiences. However, the Jersey Guy experience is truly one of a kind. Therefore, I thought I'd do society a public service and identify some key characteristics of Jersey Guys so you happen to know one when you come across one.

1. Italian by nature - For some reason, no matter what nationality your Jersey Guy is, he will always try to act Italian. All sentences will begin with "Bro" and they will end with either "you kiddin me? or Fuggedaboutit" For example, my Jersey Guy was Dominican, but he was talking and gesturing like he was first generation Corleone.

2. Full of Advice - Another tell-tale of a Jersey Guy is the fact that they are always full of advice. But be careful, because even though they are full of wisdom that they've picked up from Fortune cookies, they are never willing to take their own advice. However, they will insist that you take their advice. In fact, if you don't take their advice your an idiot. It really is awesome, to see the amount of advice that's dished out in classy places such as the local tavern. Everything from career advice, to love life, to the etiquette of cheating are all subjects that have been mastered by the Jersey Guy.

3. Full of stories - No matter what situation you are talking about, the Jersey Guy has a story where he can relate. You can be talking about doing charity work in the slums of Mumbai to create housing for the underprivileged, and the Jersey Guy has a story where he thinks he can relate. Of course, for a Jersey Guy, sleeping with an ugly woman, counts as charity. You can say something like "this one time, I saw a homeless kid, so I got him a meal, and gave him some money", and a typical Jersey Guy response can be "Yeah, I know what you mean bro. Its important to do some charity once in a while, its good. This one time, there was this braud who was horrendous. Poor girl was just standing by herself, looking all ugly. I felt bad, so I took her back to my place, banged her, and gave her money for a hot meal in the morning. Its important to do these things, its Karma you know?"

4. Mayor - This is absolutely one characteristic that is always there. Its never the first time at a place for a Jersey Guy. No matter where you meet this person, its almost as if they are compelled by a Jersey God to say "Yeah, I come here all the time". You can be at the grand opening of a club, and the Jersey Guy will tell you he comes there all the time. In fact, they also feel the need to let you know that they know the owner and bartenders, and everyone else involved with the establishment. Of course, when you ask them why it takes so long to get a drink, they will tell you that just because they know the people they don't want to be rude to the other people at the club. I cannot explain this one, but I guarantee you that if you meet a Jersey Guy in a place, he's been there before, and he will assure you that he is the mayor of the club.

5. Ladies Man - I'm not sure I even have to say this, but every Jersey Guy is always a self-proclaimed born ladies man. They usually happen to know a girl or two at the bar or club, however they will always forget to mention that the girl is his sister or cousin. I mean, if you are going to give out all this advice on Love and women, you have to have the experience to back it up. There is a secret black book of numbers that nobody has seen, however if you've met a Jersey Guy that has a girlfriend, he will tell you that he had to give it up, or "retire" it. I always find the word "retire" funny when it comes to guys and their black book of booty calls, because I wonder if just like many players that book can come our of "retirement".

6. No Hand Shakes - Jersey Guys don't shake hands. They bro-hug. In case you don't know, a bro-hug is the process is outlined below:

a. Step back, then proceed to lean in with the right hand extended as if to arm wrestle
b. Hands must slap then clasp in arm wrestling formation
c. Upon clasping the rest of the body must follow through and meet the clasp in the middle
d. The left hand must make a fist as the body is leaning in
e. The left-handed fist must gently tap the other person in the back with the thumb and index
fingers pointed inwards

So there you have it. These are some characteristics I find fascinating and remarkable about Jersey Guys. Of course, just as in all aspects of life, Jersey Guys come in all sizes, shapes, and colors, and each one is unique in their own way. So throw a Corona in the air, cheers them off, and let the good times roll.