Sunday, February 22, 2009

Indianizing the Academy Awards

This year's Academy Awards were even more important to Indians than any other award show in history. Now granted, Devdas was nominated for best foreign film in the past, but this year India made its mark in the entertainment world, and it happened in the form of a little movie called Slumdog Millionaire. In true Indian fashion, when the movie was announced as the winner for Best Picture, the stage was bum rushed by anyone who had anything to do with the movie, and Indians showed the world that no matter how big the stage, they still enjoy a crowd. This movie is significant because it showed the many aspects about India, and more importantly Indians. It gave a brutally honest glimpse of what Indians can be like - both good and bad. More importantly, it showed that love and hope are always tied to money.

However, if there is one thing people need to understand about Indians is that once we show up somewhere, we don't leave. Ask London. Now, that we've busted the door and came dancing into the Academy Awards, I'm willing to bet we'll probably be around in this arena for a while (just look at how much software is used to make movies). Therefore, I thought the following suggestions might help the Academy Awards get more in touch with their new consumer base - The Indians:

1. There should be a Bollywood style dance number
- I believe by doing this, they can show Indians that hey we like to have lots of people dancing on stage and into the music of a movie too. However, to make it more authentic I think the backdrop should change to show different locations of the world like they do in the Indian movies.

2. There should be a category for "Best Almost Kiss" in a movie.
- Since Indians just like to do the dirty-dirty behind closed doors and not "glorify" acts of love on screen, their movies tend to be this way as well. For example, an actor and actress will declare their love for each other, get hot and heavy and then make an attempt at a kiss, only to get 1 inch away from the other's lips and then turn away. All the movies have this, and it probably explains why there are so many frustrated people in that country.

3. There should be a category of "What the guy was willing to give up".
- Most Indian movies are about love. When a culture has a caste system often class can come between love. So being the idealistic people that Indians are, they often create love stories that overcome social circumstance. Unfortunately, they just go a little too far. Most of the love stories I've seen involve some wealthy man who meets a girl that is broke and humble. He sees her helping a blind man cross the street or helping a young kid learn his ABC's and pronouncing "Zed" and decides he loves her. He decides he will give up his family and all his money for "true love". They usually end up having the guy's family accept him back and having both the family and the cash. However, people don't understand that when your a billionaire you can probably have the girl without having to give up all your money. But then again, how else you gonna kill 3 hours?

4. There should be a category for "How long can you stretch a movie"
Indians love value and more importantly a bargain. If you don't believe me, go to your local supermarket when corn oil is on sale. Therefore, often times a movie that can be made in an hour is usually extended to 3 hours. Often the story takes unnecessary turns just to make a point that was made at the 45 minute mark. However, the movie-watcher gets his or her 3 hours for the money they paid and that's final! I think its only a matter of time until we run out of ideas and humans start falling for Aliens, and Will Smith will probably be involved.

5. There should be a pani poori stand by the entrance
Considering everybody is wearing fancy ass gowns and tuxedos I think it would be pretty damn entertaining to watch these people eating pani pooris and having that broadcast to the world. Personally, I think it would be pretty hilarious to watch Jack Black eating pani poori before he got on stage to make his speech and then got the farts, but hey, that's just me.

All in all, this movie really helped put India on the map. It showed that Indians are not just quickie mart owners, software programmers, or doctors. It showed that we too have the ability to love another person and their millions.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Reasons for Sex

If your Indian, your thankful for three things. Cricket, Aishwarya Rai, and the Kama Sutra. I would say in a nutshell, those three things help identify us. However, the one thing Indians can really hang their hat on, is the fact that while most major religions in the world tend to diminish the importance of sex, we praise it. In fact, we praise it so much, that to help the retarts that can't figure it out we made an instruction manual called the Kama Sutra. Now you may be wondering what does this have to do with anything? Well, I recently came across this article which goes on to explain the benefits of sex, and 5 good reasons to get your freak on today. Being the guy that I am, I thought I'd share these 5 reasons with you, and then share my own 5 reasons.

Their Reasons:

1. Sex boosts your immune system
They claim "A startling number of physicians are now recognizing how sexual and emotional health affect our entire well being". I'm guessing these were the dorks in Med school who couldn't get laid, and are now off getting busy with the hot Pharmaceutical Sales Reps and discovering this for the first time.

2. Sex burns calories
This may be true, but not if your on the bottom. According to them "A mere 30-minutes of sex burns 90 calories". I'm guessing they surveyed a senior citizen home if this is the case.

3. Sex relieves pain
"Orgasm is one serious narcotic!" They claim "sex can reduce pain, swelling, and inflammation associated with arthritis, headaches and menstrual cramps." I claim, that if you don't do it right, there is also a good chance that it can have the opposite effect.

4. Sex decreases aging
They say "“Use it or lose it” has never been more applicable. Regular sex releases a plethora of “happy” chemicals into your bloodstream, including testosterone." I say, cool.

5. Sex is great for depression
I can see the ad now, "Where does depression hurt?" There can be a guy pointing to his pecker saying, "Depression hurts here". Then a voiceover can tell you about how sex treats depression, and a long ass message that says "side effects may include an urge to cuddle, a need to smoke, funky yet seductive body odor, and birth".

Although these are good reasons, in the words of T-mobile, I've got "my-five":

1. Sex can help you get a promotion
There is no question you perform better at work when your less stressed, and more relaxed. If you don't believe me, hire a prostitute than start your next project and tell me if you don't see the difference in productivity and performance.

2. Sex can bring peace to the world
I'm thoroughly convinced that if all just started sexually experimenting with people from other cultures we'd find that we all have a lot more in common than not. I mean seriously, if we all just embraced the bodies of other cultures than I think we can definitely get over our differences because I'm pretty sure we'd find that when all is said and done, we like to get our freak on and that is something to build on.

3. Sex is good for your self confidence
Let's face it, being naked can sometimes be a nervous experience. However, if you've got someone else whose also naked (assuming most people take all their clothes off during sex), it can help you feel good about yourself. You may begin to wonder "Hey, I am the freakin man. Not only is she naked with me, but I get to violate her. Gee, I must be special".

4. Sex can make you a better poker player
Chris Rock once said "Just because I'm going, don't mean you made me go". I'll be honest, I've cleaned it up a bit, but the point is simple. Just because your having sex with one person, don't mean you can't pretend its someone else. In fact, engaging in this type of behaviour will really help out your poker game. You can make an honest face, and tell the other person they are amazing, and meanwhile you were thinking of Brad Pitt or Adriana Lima, and this can help you improve your poker face. Before you know it, your friends and lovers won't know the difference between your bluff when you go all in, or your bluff when your in the bedroom.

5. Sex can turn you into a model
If there is one thing about sex, its that during the act people make some odd ass faces. However, while these faces are being made they think they are sexy or cool or even provocative. Its kind of like the face my white friend Chris makes when dancing. However, there is a benefit to this. The more you have sex, the "cooler" your many looks and faces can become. Combine this with the rigorous cardio workout your having, and you may end up turning into a model who can make the run-way face and still look cool. However, just remember, practice makes perfect.

In general, if your still looking for reasons to have sex, than I suggest you get rid of your Nintendo Wii and join the rest of humanity.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Downfall of India - 2 minutes

I recently spent a few weeks in India, and have spent my whole life being surrounded by Indians. There are many things this culture has to offer and there are many things to learn. In the past decade or so, India has really grown by leaps and bounds to come to the forefront of economic and business growth. There are so many wonderful things happening in India right now. For example, there is actually a legitimate space program to get Indian Astronauts on the moon. All this is creating tremendous opportunity for Indians. I also happen to work for an Indian Pharma company. Pharma companies have really taken off over the last few years with the accessibility to generic drugs.

All these wonderful things are happening, and India will never become a superpower. India will have a tremendous downfall from grace and it will not be pretty. There is one thing I've observed about Indians that is universal, and it is a key flaw to who we are. No matter where in the world you go, you will find Indians, and I guarantee they will have this flaw. They cannot get rid of it because I'm convinced it is genetically encoded into their bodies. Whether they are old or young, smart or stupid, rich or poor they all have this horrible flaw, and it is this flaw that will keep businesses from prospering, communities from organizing, politics from ruling, and sex from happening.

What is the flaw you ask? Well, the flaw is very simply the words "two minutes". After spending 3 weeks in India I probably heard the words "two minutes" at least a hundred times a day and it freakin drove me nuts! These two words are the kiss of death for success among Indians and for India as a nation. It is because of these two damn words, nothing will ever get completed, and procrastination will always be prevalent in Indian society.

How can this be? What do these words have to do with anything? To an ordinary observer these two words are simple, and even innocent. However, to anyone who has ever had to rely on an Indian to do anything on time, they've undoubtedly been told that whatever it is they want will get done in "two minutes". The truth is, its never just "two minutes". Its usually twenty freakin minutes, or tomorrow, or never!

Let me give you some examples:

Patient: Doctor, when will the results be available?

Indian Doctor: Two minutes

- 8 days later the patient is dead from a heart attack because the doctor procrastinated

IT Manager: When will the database be ready?

Indian IT guy: 2 minutes

- The company goes out of business because when the guy said "two minutes" he actually meant I'm going to forget to do what you asked me to, and the company will be in a mess

Indian guy (going on a date): Hey I'm downstairs, are you ready?

Indian girl (going on a date): I will be downstairs in two minutes

- In reality she is still getting in the shower. The Indian guy will wait, and wait, and wait some more. Eventually she will come outside, and the guy will have died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Indian father: Son, did you send out my application to get a passport so I can come to America?

Indian Son: Dad, I'll do it in two minutes, I'm busy right now

- The father will not get his passport, and he will have to illegally sneak into the country and work at Dunkin Donuts for the rest of his life.

Indian Husband: Sweetheart, I just took some Viagara, when are you coming out of the bathroom?

Indian Wife: I'm just fixing my hair, I'll be out in two minutes

Indian Husband: Who cares about your hair! I'm good to go!

Indian Wife: I want to look pretty for you.

- In reality, the guy will have watched anything on Cinemax, did what he had to do, and by the time the "two minutes" have passed the husband will be long asleep, preventing the birth of future generations.

Indian College guy1: Dude, are you ready? What's taking so long? We gotta get to this Desi party by 10 or else we won't get in

Indian College guy2: Dude, I just need 2 minutes.

- In reality collge guy number 2, is shaving his pubes, blow drying then waxing his hair, ironing his clothes, putting on his facial lotion, and then getting ready. By the time he gets out of the shower it will be 10:30 and the 2 poor bastards will end up spending the whole night looking good and waiting in line.

All I'm saying, is don't ever use the words "two minutes". We all know what that means. It means I don't give a crap about you, and you can wait for me. They are two very dangerous words, and they will be the downfall of Indians all over. Indians cannot live without saying those words, and as a result anything and everything no matter how critical it is, will simply wait.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Womanization of America

I just can't take it anymore! In case you haven't noticed, it seems with each passing day men are becoming more and more like their gender opposites! I mean, I understand the whole Women's Rights movement, and I even think its a good thing. But for God's sake, can a guy just be a guy without him turning into a big wuss? You might be thinking, "Hey Indian Guy, calm down". The truth is I can't calm down. Its just too much.

Last week I was at the gym, and since my ipod is not working I'm forced to plug my headphones into the tv they have on the elliptical machine, and numb my brain with useless tv shows such as Jim Cramer. As I was surfing through the channels I came across some fine reality tv programming on VH1. Like most reality tv shows, this one was like a car wreck. You didn't wanna watch, but you couldn't turn away. Of course, the show I am talking about is "Tool Academy". This show defines "Tools" as guys who "parade through dance clubs, preening and posing while they bestow a great gift on womankind... themselves. They live in their own little world where your spray-on tan defines you, muscles are the new black and no woman, especially your girlfriend's best friend, is off limits. They lie, they cheat, they treat their women like door mats" according to VH1. This show is dedicated to "taking the most arrogant, dishonest, thoughtless and unfaithful boyfriends and transforming them into husband material", or otherwise known as bitches.

A lady by the name of Trina Dolenz who is supposedly a "couples therapist" goes on and tries to teach these guys how to become more husband like. Of course, they don't tell you little details like Trina came to the States in the 70's and was married to the lead singer and drummer of a band called "The Monkees". Maybe its just me, but I'm gonna guess that being married to a guy who is a freakin Rock Star might be difficult. You know, because he's probably having orgies and then tripping out on shrooms and acid in the 70's. I'm gonna guess that she probably had to get some therapy, and now she feels the need to give it out. She probably thinks all guys are jerks, and disrespect women, so when she finds a guy that's good looking, and can get girls she tries to break him down. Look, taking couples therapy advice from a person married to a Rock Star in the 70's is like taking a wine suggestion from a guy whose an alcoholic. Just because he drinks a lot, doesn't mean he knows what he's talking about.

If you look at the guys on this show, you will notice that they are all good looking dudes, who eat healthy, work out, and give two shits about how they dress and what they look like. They also happen to be confident, smooth, and charming. So what! If a guy can get a girl to do what he wants, I say more power to him! Instead of "breaking down" guys like this, maybe we should be encouraging the rest of Obese America to get off your ass, work out, watch what you eat, grow some balls, get some confidence, and go get the one thing all men need...some ass! Its usually women who are gorgeous, and get guys to stumble all over themselves. So what if a good looking guy manages to bag you and your hot friend. It wasn't such a big deal when two nations went to war over Helen in Troy was it?

In the words of Eric Roberts "men are accused of promising the world to get a woman into bed, but women are notorious for promising the world for just about everything else". So I say go on, be a rockstar and slay them ladies, and start a new movement -and let's get some Men's Rights in America again. Heck, if that's what it means to be a "Tool" than I would be more than happy to be one.