Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Random Boners

Being 18 is probably one of the greatest times in a man's life.  He is young, naive, ambitious, stupid, and energetic.  There is a world of possibilities to look forward to.  There are so many good things and bad things that await his future.  However, there is one experience that probably epitomizes a man at this age both symbolically and physically.  That's right, I'm talking about random boners.  Random boners are those unexpected ones where you just don't understand how it can be happening.  There is a phallic mutiny in your pants, and all you did was turn on the cooking channel.  Random boners can be very embarrassing and extremely humiliating if not handled properly.  I wish I could give advice on exactly how to do that, but the truth is I can't.  I'm sure like any teenager, I went through my share of humiliating moments. 

However, the cool thing about random boners, is that there almost seems to be an unspoken code of not speaking.  When you have a random boner, there is no way it is not obvious (especially if you are wearing khakis).  Nevertheless, as obvious as it may be, it seems that other dudes who notice your condition maintain silence.  I call it the "boner code".  No one wants to embarrass you and point you out, because they never know when they will be in that position.  Random boners are kind of like death.  They come for everyone, and no one knows when.  My favorite story is about a friend I'll call "John". 

John and I were driving to a funeral once.  We were quite sad and somber on our drive there.  It was a sad occasion after all.  We wanted to make sure when we were present we were respectful and provided condolence.  We got to the ceremony.  I parked my car, and as soon as John got out of the car he told me to go ahead he would catch up with me.  I told him I couldn't because I had to lock the car.  In that moment, John looked up at me with the despair and simply asked "what do I do?"  Before he could say another word, I saw that he was wearing his tight slacks and the problem could not be contained.  I asked him to think of the most un-sexiest thing he could imagine.  I said think of elephants.  He tried, but it wasn't working.  We were in quite a dilemma we had to go to the funeral ceremony, but there is no way he could go in looking like that.  We contemplated on what to do.  Finally, I said "I got it.  I'm gonna kick you in the nuts."  "Are you insane, that is not going to work!".  Ironically enough, he was so pissed at my ridiculous suggestion that it actually got his mind off his erected pecker, and the situation subsided.  We proceeded to go forward, but I gave him a long jacket.  You know, just in case he saw something or someone, and the situation "came up" again. Bananas can be quite dangerous in these situations.

I guess what I"m trying to say is that random boners prepare you for life.  When unexpected circumstances "arise", finding a way to deal with them is what separates the men from the boys.  


Anonymous said...

What if you're an adult and still getting random boners? Can you please assist?

Thanks for all the good work you do and glad to see you writing again.

Hana said...

Haha, sometimes I check every night if another entry is posted. They're very well-told stories? I do not know how to compliment these entries, but I love reading them.

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IdeaSmith said...

You're funny. Why did you stop blogging?

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