Breasts - The Final Frontier

For as far back as I can remember, I've always been a breast man (as opposed to an ass man). My friend Mr. Umerica recently sent me this article about breasts. Its quite an interesting article. Its a 32 year old woman's take on her large breasts, and her thoughts on her perfectly moulded, and buoyant god given bouncing Buddhas. It is kind of interesting to understand a well endowed woman's view on her own body who has a sense of humor. So I would like to take this moment to share my thoughts on this lady's genuine juggernauts and how she feels about them. She talks about how she realized she had big breasts when men started giving her free fish at the market (talk about irony). Anyhow, she goes onto explain that since the age of 12 she's pretty much been stacked. The basic premise of her article is that women see their breasts as a fashion accessory whereas men see them as the center of the universe.

Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to agree with her second point, and call her out on some of her other statements. She claims:

1. "When I buy a dress, I don't consciously think, Wow, this is going to make all the men in the room want me. More like, How will it offset my best feature?"

I believe the appropriate word here is "BULLSHIT". Let's be honest lady, your not exactly going to show off your intellectual personality with a dress that that barely covers your nipples. Second, when women put time into getting ready, and they have on that dress that fits just right, and makes them feel good - they know it. They are out there, they are flirting and in fact they are getting the men to like them more. Most women I know have an outfit that they know makes them look "FAAAIN!" and when they flaunt it, they don't want men to just notice their fun-loving personality.

2. "I know what you're thinking: Nothing low-cut was ever purchased in innocence. I swear to you, my breasts and I, we never conspire. We're just trying to look our best."

Honey, you and your breast are in fact conspiring to put yourselves out there as much as possible. Maybe you don't want all the attention on your breasts, but the fact that it draws more attention to you than other women can also be considered a victory.

3. "I feel about my breasts the way Audrey Hepburn felt about her neck. They're just part of my outfit, along with the right shoes, the right hose, the right earrings"

The only part of this statement I agree with is that a good pair of breast do compliment the right hoes. Listen, if your breasts match your earrings, than my schlong matches my socks.

4. "I am not always the best-looking or most sought-after girl at the party. But I always look appropriately festive, men tell me that I look nice"

My guess is she's a butter-face, however the fact that she always looks "festive" tells me that she probably has more than just one "cleavage-enhancing" dress. The reason men are telling you that you look nice is that when you giggle they jiggle.

5. "My advice, should you find yourself chatting with an amply endowed female, is to practice restraint. It's not that we mind you looking at our breasts; it's just that seeing you do it is creepy. The stare, obviously, is bad, and the quick, subtle glance is never as quick or subtle as you hope"

This is a statement that I absolutely agree with. 9 times out of 10 men go wrong because they talk to the boobs and not the babe. I'm willing to guess that women who are stacked know it, and they are probably so used to guys just gawking that if one were to actually look her in the eyes and talk, the odds of getting between em probably increase significantly.

6. "Men are always a bit amazed to see a pair of naked breasts, and their amazement level increases with quality and size."

Duh! We live most of our lives wondering when will be the next time I get to see another pair. Will it be free or will I have to pay? Will they be built for comfort or for speed? Of course our amazement increases with quality and size. Wouldn't your amazement of a Ferrari be greater than that of a toy hot rod?

7. "After 20 years of having big breasts, I look down at them and ask, What have you done for me lately?"

I'm betting they got you a few more complements and conversations than you would've originally gotten, and you've probably made a few more men walk into poles.

8. "Let's cut a deal. We'll wear nothing but low-cut shirts... if you promise to listen to everything we say when we're wearing them."

First of all this is just a bold lie. You wear things that are low-cut because you know how good you look in them. So let's cut another deal. You wear what you want, and we'll listen to what we want.

In any case, I do think this lady does give an interesting perspective on her humpty-dumpty's. However, I believe our fascination with the sweater-stretchers is more complicated than that. I think it is the one thing on the front side of a person that lets men know that the beautiful face you noticed does in fact belong to a woman. Its knowing that which I believe preoccupies us more than anything.

When it comes to breasts, women, and how they dress I believe in Dave Chappelle's philosophy (paraphrased):

"Women should be respected. If they choose to wear clothes that push their breasts up to their necks and have their asses hanging half way out their skirt, its their option and they are allowed to. It also does not mean that these women are hoes. However, ladies, you shouldn't get upset for a guy calling you a hoe when your dressed like that. That's like if I was dressed up as a cop right? And I was standing out there on the street and you came up to me saying "Excuse me officer! A person was just shot, and the criminal is getting away, you must go after him!" and I respond "Now hold up. Wait just a minute. Just because I'm wearing a police officer's uniform, doesn't make me a police officer!". Ladies, you may not be hoes, but you have a hoe's uniform on, you feel me?"