The Truth About Kissing

So recently, a certain vodka-gimlet enjoying friend of mine sent me this article which gives "10 quirky facts about kissing." Besides coming up with some new pick up lines from this article I decided that it was not that accurate. I mean sure, the facts may be true, but I feel like these folks left the real story out of the facts they've stated. But never fear, the Indian Guy is here, and I'm going to clarify these "quirky" facts and what makes them so "quirky" to start with. Below you will find the facts, and my 2 cents about them.

1. Two out of every three couples turn their heads to the right when they kiss.

First of all we all do things towards the right. When 2 people walk down a hall they walk to the right. As a result when we kiss we just turn our heads to the right. Its natural, but what happens when you don't follow this norm? Well, besides getting into a nose fight, you will realize that your in unfamiliar territory. As I've been taught, when your in unfamiliar territory go for the flesh. This will get you past the kissing, and possibly rounding the bases.

2. A simple peck uses two muscles; a passionate kiss, on the other hand, uses all 34 muscles in your face. Now that’s a rigorous workout!

Once again, I think these people are missing the point. A "passionate" kiss may use all 34 muscles in your face, but an hour of sex burns a few hundred calories, and uses every single muscle in the body. So if you wanna "take the easy way out" go ahead and do the passionate kiss, but for a rigorous workout my advice is an hour of sex.

3. Like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two lip impressions are alike.

I believe this is due to the fact that you never know where those lips have been before you got there (First time....yeah right!). I would also imagine that just like fingerprints or snowflakes no two sets of excuses about how many people the other person has been with are not alike either.

4. Kissing is good for what ails you. Research shows that the act of smooching improves our skin, helps circulation, prevents tooth decay, and can even relieve headaches.

This one is my favorite because clearly a med student who wasn't having much luck went for the sympathy angle. "C'mon baby, its for my health can't you see?" However, sometimes when you're wasted and you realized who you just kissed, leads to an increase in the symptoms that kissing is supposed to cure such as headaches and circulation issues, hence I don't know how much stock I'd put into this fun fact.

5. The average person spends 336 hours of his or her life kissing.

A more detailed look at the numbers shows that the average man spends 168 hours of his life kissing, and the average woman spends 672 hours of her life kissing. The reason being that men will often give up kissing time for doing things like chugging a beer, a touchdown dance, or fighting for the last slice of pizza. On the other hand, women make up for this by kissing other people when men are off participating in such degenerate activities.

6. Ever wonder how an “X” came to represent a kiss? Starting in the Middle Ages, people who could not read used an X as a signature. They would kiss this mark as a sign of sincerity. Eventually, the X came to represent the kiss itself.

Okay, this one makes no sense to me. My interpretation is that if you were illiterate you signed an "X" on a piece of paper and then kissed it and said this was your signature. Imagine doing that to checks? We'd have one hell of a time at the bank.

7. Talk about a rush! Kissing releases the same neurotransmitters in our brains as parachuting, bungee jumping, and running.

Notice how they use analogies such as "parachuting, bungee jumping, and running" which to me implies that when you kiss someone you either want to kill yourself, or get the hell out of there.

8. The average woman kisses 29 men before she gets married.

This is just a bold lie. If you show me a woman that has only kissed 29 men in her lifetime, I will show you a lesbian.

9. Men who kiss their partners before leaving for work average higher incomes than those who don’t.

Yes, this is true. Men who kiss their partners in the morning are probably kissing another partner at night. As a result, they need to provide for 2 women, and earn higher incomes.

10. The longest kiss in movie history was between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in the 1941 film, You’re in the Army Now. It lasted 3 minutes and 5 seconds. So if you’ve beaten that record, it’s time to celebrate!

At first thought I figured their must've been a longer kiss in a porno, however I soon realized that in pornos they get right to the point. As a result this observation is probably true.

The point here is that women and men have two completely different takes on kissing. For women kissing can often be a final destination. For men, kissing is ALWAYS a pit stop or a road bump on the way to the final destination. I don't care if your on a hot air balloon hundreds of feet in the air, or in the back of a taxi, kissing for men is never the final destination. Oh, we'll tell women that it is, and that we're happy with it, because we don't want to upset the women. However, I don't know of any straight guy that has kissed a girl and thought "Gee, that was swell". If your telling me you have, he's either gay, or he struck out and is trying to make himself feel better.

From Break-ups to Make-ups?

I really don't understand what this world is coming to when things like this are available for sale. I recently came across a website that claims to give you the "secrets" for winning your Ex back. I have one question.....WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?!? It comes with great advice such as "What you should do when they leave with no warning or won't return your calls, emails, IM's or text messages". My guess is they should give advice such as "What you should do if they get a restraining order against you".

Look, I understand that break-ups are never easy (unless your the one looking to get out that is). However, running right back into a bad situation is never a good idea. I mean why would you escape from a burning house, and once your out and safe think "Man, I miss the heat, let me go right back in"? It makes no sense. Odds are, if you've broken up then you were in a relationship where you were doing things such as staring at the wall watching the paint dry when your on the phone with the other person, or getting into arguments such as which VH1 reality show is more in line with American Values. Your probably quoting Wikipedia like its the bible and having pointless tantrums that lead to more arguments. Additionally, your probably changing your facebook status more times than Hugh Hefner has changed a sex partner, and the whole time you're convinced its all "worth it". Well, let me put it gently....its not worth it, and don't be such a psycho about the situation. Its never good to be putting yourself through a situation where you don't even know who you are and how you got there. I'm willing to bet that before all the fights began, you probably didn't even watch VH1.

I'm guessing, if your a guy your in deep pain about the prospect of getting laid on a somewhat regular schedule, and if your a woman, your in deep pain about the prospect of having someone to be by your side when you want them there. My advice, is to take a deep breath and a long walk along the Las Vegas strip to clear your thoughts. Between the Mexicans offering prostitutes, and the random drunk people you see walking around, you'll probably be able to assess where you are in life. A brilliant thought may occur such as "Gee, I must be beautiful, because the stripper said so". This could lead to things such as increased self confidence, and a will to live. Under no circumstances, should you stalk your ex on websites such as Myspace or Facebook. This will undoubtedly lead to you asking her friends who "her new friend is" or even worst, you may have to write something nasty on her Funwall.

In conclusion my friends, if your checking out websites for getting your Ex back when they're not returning your messages, your in a pretty bad place. They are not returning the messages for one reason, and that is to get you out of their life for whatever reason. Take this as a hint, accept it, and get on with your life. Its easier said than done, but its not impossible. A few nights out with the boys or girls, and a few lucky one-night stands, and your back in the game. If all else fails, you always have Craigslist.

Indian Wedding Receptions

Last night I had the good fortune of attending an Indian Wedding Reception with Mr. Umerica. Its quite an event, and is always lots of fun. The MC is usually doing a good job of getting the crowd involved, the food is spicy and abundant, and the drinks are flowin. However, the wedding reception I attended was for a religous couple who both came from religous families and therefore the event was dry. Now, I know what your thinking.....and no I did not sneak anything into the party. However, I thought I'd highlight some common events that happen at Indian wedding receptions and how its different when you contrast a dry wedding versus a boozed up wedding:

COCKTAIL HOUR:

Dry Wedding

People are usually drinking their Shirly Temples or Virgin Pina Coladas. They are eating the food, and generally having a good time.

Boozed-up Wedding

People are hovering around a bar like flies do on a recently dead squirrel. They refuse to leave the bar and invite every person who walks by them to join them at the bar. Lots of Liver poisoning is conducted, then when they get the drunchies (drunken munchies) they attack the food. They then go back to the bar for a cool down drink, but by then they’re told its closed, and they try to bribe the bartender for one last drink.

INTRODUCTIONS

Dry Wedding

People politely clap, and patiently wait for all 18 members of the immediate family to come out, and then give a standing ovation to the newly married couple.

Boozed-up Wedding

People start yelling and hollering at the grandma and grandpa who first walk in and thank them for having the grand-kids to throw a festive celebration. After the other 18 members of the family arrive they jump, scream, and yell into a thunderous applause for the newly married couple. They yell inappropriate things like “Yeah Raj, hit that for life playa!”

RANDOM PICTURES

Dry Wedding

People usually pose with babies and relatives/friends they don’t usually get to see.

Boozed-up Wedding

People will start posing for pictures even if they don’t know who you are. Usually a very sexy model face, or a peace sign will be involved. If it’s a big group you can bet 2 guys will be squatting in the front like they’re posing to be on the cover of a rap album.

DANCING

Dry Wedding

The DJ will usually do a good job and get everyone involved. People will usually gather around the bride and groom, and may even pick the lucky couple up on their shoulders for a bit.

Boozed-up Wedding

The drunken crowd will all be dancing like hooligans. Occasionally the DJ may play some reggaetone or Lil’ John. This will lead to people in their 30’s screaming “What! Yeah! Okayyy!”. Then the same people will begin grinding inappropriately in their Indian formal wear. At some point someone will carry the bride and the groom and try to see who can toss which person higher into the air.

DINNER

Dry Wedding

People will wait in line patiently. They will make small talk and discuss how delicious the spread looks. They may even make an extra dish for their grandparent so that person does not have to get up and wait in line.

Boozed-up Wedding

People will usually be too drunk and dancing into the moment to notice dinner is being served. Occasionally they may stop dancing to make song requests to the DJ. Also, at this time the single folks will start making their move on any potentials at the reception. They’ll do something smooth like go up to a group of women and yell “SHOTS! WHOSE WITH ME!”

Eventually they do get hungry and attack the buffet line like Michael Jackson would attack a kindergarten class.

THE END OF THE NIGHT

Dry Wedding

People usually congratulate the couple once again. They find their families and head home after a long day.

Boozed-up Wedding

People usually find the closest bar or club that will still serve them booze. If there is none close by the bride/groom usually have arrangements made in a hotel room that is stocked for the party to continue. At about 2:30 AM its no longer cute to sit around with the newly married couple and they will kick everyone out.

I should also mention, that although there are religous families that have wonderful weddings, these families usually have a few degenerate friends or family members. In such occasions these people will setup what I like to call a "car bar". Usually the uncle who owns a liquor store will bring his mini-van packed with beers, and scotch. These leads to some unusual moments such as when the name of an uncle is called to walk out, and he's trying to chug the beer in the parking lot, but this explains the "pep" in his step.

To all of you who are getting married - Congratulations! To all of you in attendance, I hope you enjoy these random observations.

Indian Superhero Possibilities

So, I recently saw the movies Iron Man, and Incredible Hulk and I was thoroughly impressed at how Marvel has setup these franchises. Both movies are awesome, and Dark Knight hasn't even come out yet. However, I was thinking I don't remember any big time super heroe movies coming out of India. Perhaps they need some help. Well, help is here. I've put together a list of some ideas for Indian Superheroes, and they are listed below:

Incredible Sikh

The look: The incredible sikh is dressed in a classic Indian turban, and outfitted with a traditional Pajama (baggy cotton pants) & Kurta (long, baggy, cotton shirt). Additionally he carries a knife in his waist, along with mojdis (traditional indian shoes with pointy toes).

The story: One day in order to increase the strength of the plowing animals on his farm, Navinder (average guy name equivalent to bruce banner), experiments with some genetically modified seeds to feed the animals. to see if they really work he eats some himself. At first he doesnt feel anything, but then when his wife forces him to eat parathas without ghee, his rage is unleashed. Without knowing what has happened he turns into this huge, red, beast. he has to learn to control his rage and fight the evil bolly-sagoo empire.

Superpowers: these include his incredible strength. Additionally the center of his turban opens up and shoots out bazooka missiles. When he needs to he can jump in the air and make a kicking motion with his feet, and out of the points of his shoes mini Johnny Walker bottles are unleashed and attack/intoxicate the enemy.

Finishing move: Bhangra stomp. This is when he is ready to kill off his enemy, he jumps high into the air and yells "Hadi-pa!" and stomps down on his enemy with all his force. Occasionally he also uses the bbbbbb-itch slap. This is when he yells "bruah!" and repeatedly smacks his enemy across the face.

Iron Guj

The look: The Iron Guj is outfitted with a trendy iron suit. The top looks like a striped shirt, the bottom looks like slacks, and of course big white sneakers accompany the iron suit at the feet. He is usually sporting a fake movado or tommy hilfiger watch, along with lots of gold chains, and one in particular which has a hanging "tiger-nail" dispensed from it.

The story: one day Samir Patel is betrayed by his business partner and brother. They own a company which makes Manakchand (chewing tobacco), and they are working on a new formulation of manakchand. However, his brother cuts him out of the deal, and leaves Samir with nothing. Samir swears revenge, by hiding away in his hut, and makes a "lokhan" or iron suit. The suit gives him powers such as flying, and killer dandias.

Finishing move: Manakchand spit. By pushing a few buttons in his super computer Samir Patel turns into the Iron Guj. When his enemy is at its weakest the palm of each hand opens up and sprays highly toxic and concentrated manakchand (indian chewing tobacco) at his enemy. If this does not work Iron Guj also dispenses acidic kadhi from his fingertips to burn and currify the enemy at the same time.

Subra-Man
The look: Subra man rocks a tight yellow outfit, with a bright green cape. He also wears his bright green underwear on the outside of his suit.

The story: When the planet Keralaton was about to be destroyed, his parents put him in a space ship and sent him off for Earth. He landed in south India, where a farmer and his wife found him, and adopted him as their own. They taught him the fine art of fishing, and computer programming. They named him Raj Subramaniam. Being that he was from another planet Raj soon discovered he was different from his friends. For example, he was able to fly, and shoot laser-hot sambar out of his eyes. He eventually leaves the farm and works in the big city (Bangalore), by day he is a computer programmer, and falls in love with Neeru Bhakta-krishna-rama-dhamamaniam. By night he fights criminals such as computer hackers, and evil rikshaw drivers who rip off customers.

Finishing move: Subra-man has a variety of attacks. He can shoot laser hot sambar out of his eyes, or even use his incredible might to conquer his enemies. His secret weapon is his x-ray vision. Once when a building was on fire, Subra-man was able to turn an entire lake into a big piece of dhosa, and carried it and threw it on top of the burning fire, and put out the flames and saved the day.

If you have any other suggestions for Indian super-heroes, please do share.

Inter-cultural Relationships

So I recently came across this website where singles can go and meet other singles (no, I wasn't on the prowl - I swear). In this particular ad an Indian guy is looking to meet a white girl. Check it out:





I think Inter-cultural relationships is probably a better term for this than interracial (because Indians are actually considered caucasians), but also because sometimes if your Indian, dating a person from another part of the country can be just as difficult.

So in any case, I'd like to take a moment and help this poor bastard out. First of all he starts his ad by saying he's "attractive". That to me raises red flags right there. If I'm correct, shouldn't the other person decide if your attractive? Then he goes on to claim he is a "British Born Indian guy" which to me sounds like he's saying "Hey, I'm so white on the inside you won't notice I'm brown on the outside". However, he gets caught in his lie when he uses the phrase "would love to go out with a white girl as it is my preference". This is where the gig is up buddy! If you were really a British born Indian guy you'd say something like "because it is my preference", the fact that you said "as it is my preference" proves to me just how much of a Mumbai-born recently immigrated to Britain guy you really are! I work with plenty of Indians and they all have one thing in common - they don't ever use the word "because" they simply use "as" instead. I think I just found a Mumbain-born Indian guy who has migrated to Britain, and is hoping to get his freak on with the "mystical" white girls which he's only seen on youtube clips and heard stories of through migrated friends. What's worst is he finishes off his strong candidacy by asking "Do white women find Indian guys attractive?" What are you thinking?!? Is that even a question? Of course they do buddy, but your not one of em apparently.

All I'm saying is that if you want to attract a white girl or a black girl, or any other non-Indian girl, I'd start by making a strong bold statement. Perhaps something like "I'm the Indian son of the man who invented the Kama Sutra, and I'm starting a new practice here in London. I"m looking to share my knowledge with attractive and interested students who are (non-Indian / cultural preference) females between the ages of 21 - 30, who are comfortable with their bodies and spirituality. Flexibility and an un-inhibited personality is preferred". I mean you figure with something like this you might at least get a curiosity bang.

The point I'm trying to make here, is that inter-cultural relationships are not easy, but they can also be fun since in today's information age, we are learning about other people at a much faster pace. But the one thing that remains universally true, is that if a guy wants to get a girl, he's gotta be confident and comfortable with who he is, before he can get to know her no matter where she's from, or what color her skin is.

The Angry Mexican

I recently came across this video clip. Its quite hilarious because it shows the "inner beast of unstoppable rage" to be a crazy Mexican dude (Courtesy of Jimmy Kimmel). I watched this video clip with great delight and thoroughly laughed my ass off.

As I was watching this clip, a thought occured to me. I began to wonder.....is there not an angry Mexican in all of us? I mean, I think its safe to say that we've all had these crazy moments in our lives where we are just an uncontrollable force. When we get so mad, that we don't care about what's happening, and we just lose it. The worst part is, in these moments we believe we are greater than what we actually are.

It happened to me many years ago. I was driving my car, and I made a left turn into a street. Some guy was backing out of a drive-way and didn't see me coming, and almost hit me. I swerved out of the way. I was pissed, I was furious, I WAS THE INCREDIBLE HULK! I started yelling and screaming at him, just spewing all kinds of verbal diarrhea at him. Then I did one of the stupidest things in my life. I uttered those stupide words "Don't make me get out of my car and teach your cracker ass how to drive. I'll fuckin kill you! You don't know me! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I will destroy you!". To which he responds "oh yeah? Well let's do this then!"

Now I'm not a guy who is typically intimidated by other men. However, when this 6-foot something monster stepped out of his Corolla there was only one thought going through my mind. "How the fuck did he fit inside that Corolla?!?" I mean this man was huge. He got out of the car, and started pummeling his 300 lb of fury in my direction. In that moment, a very important thing happened. I realized I was not the hulk, but rather Guillermo the parking attendant. So being the realistic guy that I am I did the one thing there was to do......I peeled the fuck out of there and learned my valuable lesson.

Men, Women & Friendship

Often I've contemplated the idea of a man and a woman just being friends. In the beginning I was an idealist and felt that "sure, men and women can be just friends, and nothing more without sexual tension". Then I grew up and realized how ridiculous that is. Men and women can be friends, but sexual tension will always be there. Women won't admit it, and men can't hide it.

The basic, problem in all of this is the would / wouldn't dillemma. You see, every time a man sees a woman he asks himself the basic question "would I or would I not bang her?" Of course, basic ground rules such as family relationships and things like that apply where this would not be the case. However, for example if I were to walk down a Manhattan block I will most likely ask and answer this question about 25 - 35 times and it will happen within a matter of seconds. The other problem is that 98% of the time the answer is I would, or I would with a bag on her face.

So if that's the case and a guy would not bang a girl, then friendship is a possibility right? Wrong! The problem here, is that when men are genuinely not interested in the woman; 99% of the time that's exactly what attracts a woman to him, and thus, the tension is there. On the other hand, when a guy would bang the girl.....well, we know what happens. He ogles and blatantly undresses her with his eyes, and occasionally gets caught drooling, thus making the friendship a bit uncomfortable.

With that said, I do still believe there are very unique conditions when friendship does remain a possibility. Those conditions are as follows:

- You've tried dating and it just didn't work, so you realize friendship is better
- You grew up with someone
- You form a friendship so close with the other person that you see them as a sibling
- There is a common task at hand which requires both of you to work together, so until your working on that task, you manage to suppress the sexual beast, and keep it friendly (this condition keeps most of corporate America under control)
- You realize that you just don't have a chance with the other person, but they are still cool enough that you manage to be friends

These aforementioned situations allow for conditional friendship between men & woman. I know some of you will read this and say "No way. I've been friends with this girl for years, and she's like my boy. She just gets me. I can go to her for advice and everything." To those people I'd say, "Are you sure your not in love?" Didn't Usher teach us about this on his first album?