Friday, August 29, 2008

What a Nice Guy

A few years ago, I was at a cafe with a cousin of mine. It was a nice summer evening, and we were having some coffee and catching up on the important questions in life such as whether or not to keep the significant others we were involved with. To take a break from what we were discussing, I told my cousin about what happened to me at the gym earlier that day. Her reaction as well as that of those around me was completely shocking. I simply could not believe it.

From what I've read its healthy to exercise every muscle in the body when you are lifting weights. So I had a day dedicated to each muscle group. Thursdays, was my day to do legs. I came in like I did every Thursday. I stretched out, warmed up, and began to do some serious weight-lifting exercises on my legs. The thing with working out your legs is that you end up pretty much using every muscle from your waist down - especially the Glutus Maximus. Its pretty much involved in every motion, and is therefore used in most exercises. After a rigorous leg workout your probably walking around like your drunk, because your body will have trouble supporting its self.

Anyhow, I went about my routine. I did the dead-lifts, calf-raises, and all the other various exercises to give myself the toned legs I love. In between each set, I'd bend over and stretch out so I didn't pull anything. Finally, I got to the most painful of leg exercises - the Squat. It was a bit crowded that day in the gym so I noticed a guy standing to the back and side of where I was squatting. Figuring he was just waiting for me to finish I offered him a chance to work in with me. "Dude, I just started here, and its packed so if you want, you can work in with me". "Really?" he responded with genuine shock. "Ya man, its no big deal. I don't own the place. I got four sets on this so it might take me a while." "That sounds great man" he replied. So there we were just two dudes, doing squats and working out our legs. After I finished my last set he asked me "Dude, do you work out here often? I don't think I've seen you here before". "Me? Yah, I'm here all the time" I replied. "Oh, well, most guys that come to this gym never work out their legs. Do you work out legs regularly?" he asked. I told him "In fact I do. Pretty much every Thursday." The next part is what totally changed my gym experience forever. "Well listen, do you mind if I work legs with you next Thursday? It would be nice to have a partner for once". Not knowing what to say, I simply responded "yeah".

"Are you a freakin moron?!? Please tell me your not that naive and stupid!" my cousin yelled at me. "What? He just wanted to work out. What's the big deal?" My cousin than said something to me that truly rattled me, and made me feel stupid. "Nirav, look at the size of your ass man! Who the hell wants to work out with you! That dude was gay, and he was trying to pick you up....and I think you let him! Have fun!" I couldn't believe it. She was right. I have some serious junk in my trunk, and this man was admiring it. I felt so violated, I felt so wrong, I felt like a woman in most venues. "No way" I said. "He just wanted to work out man, that's what guys are like at the gym". Just then a stranger sitting at the table next to us leans over and says "Bro, I work out, and I never want a partner when doing legs. I think he wanted to squat more than just weights with you bro".

It was true. I officially got hit on for the first time at the gym by a dude. Whether it was on purpose, or whether my booty or my stupidity brought it on, I will never know. I do know one thing though, I stopped doing legs on Thursdays.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Breasts - The Final Frontier

For as far back as I can remember, I've always been a breast man (as opposed to an ass man). My friend Mr. Umerica recently sent me this article about breasts. Its quite an interesting article. Its a 32 year old woman's take on her large breasts, and her thoughts on her perfectly moulded, and buoyant god given bouncing Buddhas. It is kind of interesting to understand a well endowed woman's view on her own body who has a sense of humor. So I would like to take this moment to share my thoughts on this lady's genuine juggernauts and how she feels about them. She talks about how she realized she had big breasts when men started giving her free fish at the market (talk about irony). Anyhow, she goes onto explain that since the age of 12 she's pretty much been stacked. The basic premise of her article is that women see their breasts as a fashion accessory whereas men see them as the center of the universe.

Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to agree with her second point, and call her out on some of her other statements. She claims:

1. "When I buy a dress, I don't consciously think, Wow, this is going to make all the men in the room want me. More like, How will it offset my best feature?"

I believe the appropriate word here is "BULLSHIT". Let's be honest lady, your not exactly going to show off your intellectual personality with a dress that that barely covers your nipples. Second, when women put time into getting ready, and they have on that dress that fits just right, and makes them feel good - they know it. They are out there, they are flirting and in fact they are getting the men to like them more. Most women I know have an outfit that they know makes them look "FAAAIN!" and when they flaunt it, they don't want men to just notice their fun-loving personality.

2. "I know what you're thinking: Nothing low-cut was ever purchased in innocence. I swear to you, my breasts and I, we never conspire. We're just trying to look our best."

Honey, you and your breast are in fact conspiring to put yourselves out there as much as possible. Maybe you don't want all the attention on your breasts, but the fact that it draws more attention to you than other women can also be considered a victory.

3. "I feel about my breasts the way Audrey Hepburn felt about her neck. They're just part of my outfit, along with the right shoes, the right hose, the right earrings"

The only part of this statement I agree with is that a good pair of breast do compliment the right hoes. Listen, if your breasts match your earrings, than my schlong matches my socks.

4. "I am not always the best-looking or most sought-after girl at the party. But I always look appropriately festive, men tell me that I look nice"

My guess is she's a butter-face, however the fact that she always looks "festive" tells me that she probably has more than just one "cleavage-enhancing" dress. The reason men are telling you that you look nice is that when you giggle they jiggle.

5. "My advice, should you find yourself chatting with an amply endowed female, is to practice restraint. It's not that we mind you looking at our breasts; it's just that seeing you do it is creepy. The stare, obviously, is bad, and the quick, subtle glance is never as quick or subtle as you hope"

This is a statement that I absolutely agree with. 9 times out of 10 men go wrong because they talk to the boobs and not the babe. I'm willing to guess that women who are stacked know it, and they are probably so used to guys just gawking that if one were to actually look her in the eyes and talk, the odds of getting between em probably increase significantly.

6. "Men are always a bit amazed to see a pair of naked breasts, and their amazement level increases with quality and size."

Duh! We live most of our lives wondering when will be the next time I get to see another pair. Will it be free or will I have to pay? Will they be built for comfort or for speed? Of course our amazement increases with quality and size. Wouldn't your amazement of a Ferrari be greater than that of a toy hot rod?

7. "After 20 years of having big breasts, I look down at them and ask, What have you done for me lately?"

I'm betting they got you a few more complements and conversations than you would've originally gotten, and you've probably made a few more men walk into poles.

8. "Let's cut a deal. We'll wear nothing but low-cut shirts... if you promise to listen to everything we say when we're wearing them."

First of all this is just a bold lie. You wear things that are low-cut because you know how good you look in them. So let's cut another deal. You wear what you want, and we'll listen to what we want.

In any case, I do think this lady does give an interesting perspective on her humpty-dumpty's. However, I believe our fascination with the sweater-stretchers is more complicated than that. I think it is the one thing on the front side of a person that lets men know that the beautiful face you noticed does in fact belong to a woman. Its knowing that which I believe preoccupies us more than anything.

When it comes to breasts, women, and how they dress I believe in Dave Chappelle's philosophy (paraphrased):

"Women should be respected. If they choose to wear clothes that push their breasts up to their necks and have their asses hanging half way out their skirt, its their option and they are allowed to. It also does not mean that these women are hoes. However, ladies, you shouldn't get upset for a guy calling you a hoe when your dressed like that. That's like if I was dressed up as a cop right? And I was standing out there on the street and you came up to me saying "Excuse me officer! A person was just shot, and the criminal is getting away, you must go after him!" and I respond "Now hold up. Wait just a minute. Just because I'm wearing a police officer's uniform, doesn't make me a police officer!". Ladies, you may not be hoes, but you have a hoe's uniform on, you feel me?"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Asian Paradox

Humans stereotype. Its not right, but it happens. When you live in a world when you repeatedly see the same behaviour from a group of people depending on their background, race, or ethnicities, in our own minds we tend to generalize. Its something we just do, and we've got to live with it. For example, if I see a black person I think poor customer service skills. I don't want to, but it happens. In that same regard, when one thinks of Asians, I'm willing to bet we all think one thing. You guessed it - CHEAP.

Asians in my estimation have equaled the Jewish stereotype of cheapness if not surpassed it. I mean I once went into an IHOP where my Asian friend asked if there are free refills on the sodas before ordering one. Why do so many Indians own hotels? Obviously so they don't have to purchase toiletries for the family and can write them off as a business expense. Its just the way it is. Asians are ridiculously cheap. However, the other thing Asians also happen to be is HORNY. This is not a stereotype. This is the simple truth and we've got the population numbers to prove it. I believe something like one out of every three people in the world is Chinese. It got so bad, that the government had to start taxing horniness to control the population.

So what happens then, when an Asian enters a strip club? It is quite a conundrum. Its quite baffling to the ordinary non-Asian person. Its like putting the energizer bunny into a shoe box. They have so much pent up energy, they are bound to explode. Why is this the case? Well, its because this is one of the few situations where innate Asian instincts conflict with each other. I mean, its a good thing that lions don't have this problem. Every time a hot lioness walks by, they would forget to hunt, and die out as a species. What I've observed is the following stages usually occur:

1. Shame - How did I convince myself to get here? This is so wrong. Will god ever forgive me?

2. Self-doubt - What kind of person am I that my friends persuaded me to come? I should have been stronger.

3. Gradual Consent - Well, now that I'm here I might as well get a drink right? All the women are so friendly, they must be happy to see me. Why wouldn't they? I'm a fun guy. Besides, I'm having a good hair day and Candy noticed. BUT, No matter what, I will have fun on a budget.

4. Eruption - I am the freakin man! Hey waitress you and your friends have a shot on me! Yo boys, lap dances all around! Go get em! I gotch you kid! I got this! Hey Candy, you ready for a few more songs?!? I thought so. Let's get it started, we are partyin tonight! You know what...? Forget it, let's just go to the champagne room, and not waste any time - I'm in love! Candy: Yeah, I think your real cute. Did I ever tell you I always had a thing for computer programmers? Asian: Hell yeah you do, because we know how to use our hardware baby!

5. Denial - How the hell did I spend this much money!?! What the hell are stripper dollars? Why do I have $500 of them in my pocket?!? How did this happen? I hate my friends! I hate my life, and I'm pretty sure I'll lose my wife! Damn this sucks!

In conclusion, it seems to me that in the Cheapness vs. Horniness stereotype of Asians, the horniness usually ends up winning. Maybe, just maybe the lifetime of cheapness is to make up for the one night of unadulterated debauchery that is the strip club.

Sunday, August 17, 2008


I remember it like it was yesterday. On a regular Saturday afternoon, my outlook on life had completely changed. It was quite unexpected, and unusually disruptive to the core of my being. After it happened, I would never be the same. Its funny how simple words can change the course of your life forever. Sometimes they are words of joy, and sometimes of sorrow, and occasionally they can be just pure shock. I have a sister, and several female cousins, who keep me honest, and true to my word. If I say something or claim to have done something they definitely do their part to ensure that I'm not just blowing smoke, and for that I always thank them. But this one day, what they did was simply change everything.

I sat down in my living room, like I had done many times before. We were watching TV and everything was just fine. Then my sister turns off the TV and turns to me. "We need to talk". I figured it would be no big deal, and so I responded "Sure, what's up?" As she said the words, I thought for a minute there is no way she is talking about me. She is talking about someone else, and that in no way shape or form are her words directed at me. It could not be, and I was in denial. Sometimes, the truth is so shocking it seems fictitious. In one brief little moment she uttered the words that completely changed my life. "You are a metrosexual."

"What!?!" "You are fricken crazy. There is no way!" "Metrosexuals get there eyebrows waxed and their nails done, I don't do that stuff!" "Your nuts". I don't know why I was so upset, I guess I just thought of myself as more of a rugged man, and person but I clearly was not. Excuse me, am not. As I was firing off a barrage of excuses, she did the one thing that proved once and for all that in fact I am a metrosexual. "What gel do you use?" she asked. As soon as she asked the question, I knew it was true, because I knew the answer. The truth does set you free, but in my case it also can be a shot of reality. In a shameful voice, I answered "I don't use gel. I use D:Fi pomade, because it gives my hair better control and texture." I said it, and I knew my sister and cousins were right, because normal people don't drive 20 minutes for a hair product, but I do.

After that moment, a lot of things became much more clearer. It explains why my closet has so many colored shirts that you may think I work at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Its awkward to say, but I am in fact a metrosexual. I don't get my nails done or eyebrows waxed, but I do accommodate for the amount of time it will take to do my hair in my morning routine. I have a preference in body wash and I have a variety of facial washes that are used for different things. Is it wrong? No, it certainly is not. Does it make me gay? No, it just gives me something to talk to gay guys about.

I guess deep down inside, I wanted to picture myself as an adventurer/explorer who was rugged and tough. I probably should've realized that this was not the case because the idea of camping out in a tent is quite horrifying to me. You may have had a similar experience in your life, and I hope you've learned to accept and embrace who you are. I know I have. My silver bracelet shows pride and acceptance every time I rock it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Olympic Pride

If you're Indian right now, there are two words on your mind. No, they are not "Aishwarya Naked", but rather Abhinav Bindra. If you haven't already heard, Mr. Abhinav Bindra is the toast of the town. He has accomplished an enormous feat. He single handedly won the proud nation of India its first gold medal in the Olympic games! According to this article he won a gold medal in the 10 m air rifle event, and in the process became India's most eligible bachelor. That's right ladies - he's single!

This proud son of India showed the whole world that you don't come closer than 10 meters to him, or he will blow your head off. This medal has officially turned this young man into an overnight sensation, and is probably getting more ass than a toilet seat.

In any case, after being overwhelmed with pride and joy, a friend inspired a question in me. Namely, how does a nation of a billion people only have 1 gold medal in Olympic history? I mean, Indians probably love gold more than any group of people in the world. In fact we love it so much, we are willing to give up our kids for it (marriage is simply collateral). Knowing that this is the case, how did more Indians not get the cherished and symbolic Olympic Gold?

Then I realized, that there was nothing wrong with Indians, however the problem lies in the competition. Therefore, I humbly nominate the following "Olympic Sports" to the International Olympic Committee for consideration in the next Olympics so the nation of India has a fair chance:

1 - Bargaining

2 - Populating the Earth (Although this would be a close call with China and Mexico)

3 - Calculus

4 - 60 second cash-register sprint (this contest would involve processing as many transactions as possible in 60 seconds)

5 - Train jumping (this can involve getting on/off a moving train and will probably be a relay)

6 - Johnny Walker Chugging

7 - 100 m, 200 m, and 400 m Garba Dash

8 - Bhangra/Hadipa High Jump

9 - Rikshaw Racing

10 - Cutting Lines (no question, Indians would be the favorites for this event)

I sincerely believe the addition of these events would best serve the nation of India in the Olympics as it pursues more gold medals and hopes to attain Olympic Immortality.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Signature Moves

As I've gone thru the years I've noticed that when men try to seduce/talk to women they try a variety of approaches. They'll try everything from the "sneaky grind-dance attack" to the "I'm a nice guy" routine. However, a few of my friends I've noticed have actually developed what I like to call "Signature Moves". You see when growing up a signature move was something an athlete could always do and rely upon to get out of a situation and score a point. For example, Michael Jordan was known for the reverse layup or fade away shot. If all else failed, he can always rely on this move to get him out of trouble and score the points he needed. So to help women all over the world I thought I'd share some of these signature moves:

1. Going to a comedy club - I believe the idea here is to make her laugh so hard that eventually her legs open wide.

2. Confessing true love (no matter what) - I once saw a friend in a club trying to get with a girl, and when all else failed he uttered those magical words "I love you". It was successful, and he got what he wanted.

3. You're too good for me routine - I have one friend that just attracts the girls looking for a "bad boy". He will make it seem like the should just not want to be with him, because she's too nice, and he's too much of a bad ass for her. Undoubtedly, this will lead to her wanting him more, and usually will end up getting the girl to do something way inappropriate in front of her friends to show that she is in fact bad enough.

4. Mr. Smooth - I have one friend who always seems to have the smoothest damn lines to say. It could be the most random statement made by a girl, but for some reason he finds away to turn it into something sexy, smooth, and usually inappropriate. For example, a woman can say "It looks like it may rain". He may have a response like "Well that's usually what happens when two warm fronts collide baby". I still don't understand how, but this seems to work.

5. "I'm not looking for that, so you can be completely comfortable around me" - This is probably one of the greatest moves ever. I have one friend who makes women feel so completely comfortable around him, that eventually they just take off their clothes. I mean he does a wonderful job of coming across as if he is not interested in her that way at all, and that he genuinely cares about her problems, and that her voluptuous figure has nothing to do with why he's paying so much attention to her orbes. This move does require an investment of time, but from the results the juice is definitely worth the squeeze.

So fellas, I apologize if I've given away any of your secret moves, so you'll now have to work on newer ones. Ladies, well let's be honest - you must enjoy some of this stuff, because if you didn't it probably wouldn't work time and time again.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

No Confidence - No Problem

Are you a hard-working executive? Do you not have time to pursue women? Are you looking to get laid, but just don't want to bother with the whole "making a woman like you first"? Well if you've answered yes to any of these questions, then I have the perfect place for you! According to this site there is a place called Viking's Exotic Island in the British Virgin Islands that's tailored to your "needs". For packages starting at $3,900 you can visit a tropical paradise where gorgeous women are required to "be your friend" during the duration of your stay. I'm sure its "good conversation" you'll be looking for. If there is a particularly "smart" woman that you fancy, then for packages starting at higher costs you can even reserve her to make conversation with.

You've got to admit, that someone has finally decided to call it like it is, when opening this resort up. Vegas, for example is known as "Sin City" but you've still got to do the whole going to a club thing, and seducing a woman first (granted being able to make up a sexy occupation such as race car driver does put the odds in your favor). However, someone finally decided that in the past few years, people who did not have money, have made money. Now although these people are business savvy, they are still social neanderthals, and probably have a hard time getting a girl into the sack. As a result, this island strokes more than just one's ego! My favorite part about the website is the picture of a man whose face is blurred out but he's on the beach with 2 beautiful women on each side, and he's wearing slacks with a belt on! This to me is proof of not understanding your element. Who the hell wears slacks to the beach!? Lucky for him, these women are interested in his big, heavy, personality.

The thing is there is a downfall here. You see, men are men, and women are women. No matter how much one is paying, there is still a chance that the woman does not want to "talk" with you. I mean I would really like to know what the island policies are on rejection. Are they required to re-imburse the entire vacation? I mean let's face it. Just because the guys going to this island have money, they may not necessarily spend it on their looks. The guy in the picture is obviously fit, and ready for work. But what do you do when the guy is Bill Gates or worst Patrick Ewing.

I guess some people just look at things in terms of What did I invest? How much time was spent? and What was my return? I'm sure for those people this place is the appropriate bang-for-the-buck they are looking for. As they say in the article, you've got to hand it to them for keeping the package prices close to the amount you'd spend on another vacation where you're not guaranteed to get laid.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


Men are known for many things. Among them is scratching themselves, the ability to memorize useless sports facts, and of course the ability to fall in love with a car over a woman. However, there is also an undisputed talent that I believe all men have and are not even aware of it. Its difficult to describe, but when the situation occurs most men seem to thrive off their instinctual reflexes. It usually happens when you least expect it, and the resulting response is usually comical and creative.

For example, a man can be doing the dirty-dirty with a mistress named Candy. All of a sudden the phone rings and its his wife. I would not be surprised at all to hear him say "Oh hey honey, how are the kids? Oh that's nice. Kiss lil Johnny for me would ya? Me, I'm not doing anything. I'm just having some candy, and I"ll probably go to sleep after that". I haven't seen this exact situation unfold, however I've been a part of and have seen situations that require the same spontaneous bull-shitting instincts.

Its amazing how quickly men can sober up when they are doing something they shouldn't be doing, or if they're in a place they shouldn't be. You can be in the middle of a club and a buddy would yell out "This is my song bro! I love this song!" He'll usually follow that statement by grinding on an unsuspecting victim - I mean woman. Then the phone would go off and if its his mom or girlfriend you see him run outside with the grace of a squirrel and answer that phone as if nothing was happening. You hear excuses such as "Oh that noise. That noise is the new construction they are doing on my dorm room window. It makes studying sooo difficult, but I do my best. I should get back to my studying, I"ll call you tomorrow? Okay then, good night. Love you too".

In any case, among the many things men are known for I would officially like to nominate "the spontaneous bull-shitting instinctual reflex." It keeps men doing stupid things, and their lives in tact. It can't be taught, but when its needed, every man can call upon it for survival in the social jungle.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Butter Face

I happen to work for a global company, and one of the coolest parts of doing so is meeting colleagues from all over the world and discussing cultural differences. Just recently I was in Mumbai for a global meeting. These meetings can often be quite lengthy and require a lot of patience and perseverance. Afterwards, all the team members from outside of India get together to unwind at the hotel bar called Bombay High. Of course when men are away from their homes and their wives the natural thing to talk about is women. I was their at around 11 PM with a colleague from the States, and another from our Brazilian office in Sao Paulo.

We were sipping on some Australian Shiraz and discussing the day's activities and progress that we'd made. Then for some reason my American colleague asks me "So Nirav, in your opinion how do Indian women compare to the rest of the world?" I replied "You see, for a long time there was a difference in who had money and who did not. As a result the women were either extremely beautiful and exotic looking, or they looked like a big toe. However, now we have an expanding middle class which is producing many women who are not on either end of the spectrum. I guess in America they'd be considered cute or pretty but not that hot".

So then my American colleague turns to the Bazilian colleague (who is from Hyderabad and raised in India, but now lives in Brazil) and asks so tell me about the women in Brazil. "As you know, many of these women are beautiful, and go on to become models and actresses. However, there is a huge population of women who are beautiful from the neck down". My American coworker turns to him and states "You know, in America we have a saying for that." "Oh really?" responds the Brazilian. "And what is that saying?" To which the American proudly explains "In America we call them Butter-Faces". "What? You mean like toast and butter? How does that make sense?" To which I go on to explain "you see when everything is good on her but her face, we tend to call those women butter-faces just to make things simpler. For example that waitress that just walked by would be what I consider a butter-face." I look to my American companion for a second opinion and I get the confirmation that I needed along with a dirty smile.

"Wow! That really is a simple and accurate way of seeing things" explains the Brazilian. To which I respond "In America, there is no other way". However, I believe that we had given him way too much power since for the rest of the trip he kept pulling me aside and asking butterface? To which I usually responded "Yes, buddy. But you don't have to tell me every time. There's a billion people in this country you can spend the rest of your days doing this!"