Friday, October 31, 2008

Indian Costume Ideas

People in this country make a big deal about Halloween. I mean people really do go all out to get that perfect costume. Some people try to find the one that is just skanky enough, or the one that is just unique, funny, or scary enough. It really is one of the most festive holidays in America. The best part is that adults take it just as seriously if not more than kids. I had a guy I work with come to work dressed up as the Burger King. I was a little upset when he didn't go around putting money in people's pocket. I once even saw a man dressed up as a beer keg. Pure genius!

So I was wondering what would be the Perfect Costume for Indians? Meaning, if Halloween was as popular a holiday in India as it is in America, what costumes would be the most popular. I put together a list of what I thought might be the ones people would just go nuts over:

1. Human Condom - With the world's second largest population, I figured this was naturally the first choice. It would say to the ladies that I'm not diseased, I care, and most of all I'm a humanitarian. Besides, it takes a real man to pull this off...

2. Paris Hilton - I feel like more and more Western influences are making their way into India. My favorite happens to be the influence of letting the ladies show off their beautiful bodies. I think no American Celebu-tard does it better than Paris Hilton. With some jail time, and popularity on MTV I'm sure throngs of young Indian girls are just dying to be the next Paris Hilton!

3. Govinda - If you don't know who Govinda is, you haven't seen an Indian movie. I mean, this guy has the worst dance moves, and even uglier outfits. However, he has a strong following, because those who watch his movies, and actually enjoy them do in fact think he is the coolest man walking the planet. His gut-shaking, hand-gyrating, face-squinting dance routine is unmatched in Bollywood and beyond. To be Govinda, is to be the very essence of a man in India. Totally uncoordinated, poorly dressed, yet un-dyingly enthusiastic and of course always in Love.

4. Richard Simmons - Okay I just thought it would be hilarious to see any Indian dude to have the cohones to pull this off. I would definitely pay money to see an Indian guy walking around with a candy-striped tank top, 1980's Reeboks, and more hyper than a dog with rabies. I think it would just be hilarious if one of these famous Bollywood dudes, just donned this Halloween outfit for a great, big, international Laugh!

5. Pimp - Halloween is all about dressing up and being something that you are not, its the one time of year when you can be whatever it is you wish to be. With the population being as high as it is, I'm willing to guess that most of the guys there are horny. As a result, the Pimp would be an ideal outfit. Besides, it would allow them to "smack hoes" or as they do in Indian movies just pull the Sari off in a very mean way. I'm convinced every Indian kid on campus and in the call center would be a Pimp if he could for only one day.

In any case, I hope you all have a Happy Halloween, and remember....Keep Your Pimp Hand Way Strong!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Truth About Diwali

We are getting to that time of year when families start to come together. This week its the Indian festival of lights, known as Diwali being celebrated by brown people all over the world. They will clog their arteries and allow cavities to thrive with their sugar filled sweets that are made from ghee (melted butter). Of course these sweets will satisfy the soul, and send Indian spirits flying high. Its in times like these when families will enjoy each others company, and the kids will enjoy the $11 they get from everyone's feet they manage to touch. Its a special time. We put aside our differences for those few moments, and take part in the beautiful festivities of Diwali. We light fireworks, we eat to our heart's content, and of course we have fashion shows and dance competitions.

Diwali has turned into the biggest excuse in the world for Indians to borrow clothes, and walk down a run-way in front of their college peers and friends. For those Indians who can dance, this is their chance to show their stuff. This is their golden moment, to get up on stage and show that even though we wear traditional Indian outfits, we know how to re-mix our songs to hip-hop beats and bust a move that is anything but traditional. At this time of year, college campuses all across the country are filled with hormone-raged college kids that are bossing each other around and trying to figure out what the coolest bhangra step is that they can use into their dance routine. They are hitting up all the malls, and buying the most expensive clothes they can find. They are carefully wearing these clothes in such a way so that the price tag is not seen, and the clothes can be returned after the show is over. But most importantly, they are attacking the streets of the Indian markets to see if they can sucker a business owner to sponsor them. They will explain that their student body comprises of hundreds of students who will never leave campus, but will get exposure to their store that is a 30 mile drive away from campus.

Why do we do this you ask? For one reason, and one reason alone. The Afterparty. That's right. If you are an Indian in college, the Diwali show after-party is the cafeteria talk of the following week. Its where you find out who was dumb enough to wear the fashion-show clothes to the club, and had a drink spilled on their outfit, and will now have to actually purchase the ridiculous thing they intended to return. Its where the boy who was partnered up with a girl for a dance at the show will actually have enough liquid courage to actually grind on her in a crowded dance floor. But most importantly, the main topic of discussion will be the throngs of people that did not get in because when the bouncer asked to make a straight line, they didn't know what that meant. Last but not least, it is the venue where the girl who really didn't like the song that the group picked for the dance gets to bitch about it and start a fight. Aaah yes, the Diwali Show After party is also where the high-school kids with fake IDs get in and try to grind with drunk college chicks. In their own way, it is a festival of lights you might say.

In conclusion, there is one thing that Indians love to do more than anything else, and that is celebrate. Our entire culture revolves around celebration. When god came to earth we celebrate, when he leaves we celebrate, and to remember all the milestones accomplished in between we celebrate. Its just now, in the 21st century, massive prayers have been replaced with Diwali Shows that try to "fuse" the American and Indian cultures. Its is not too uncommon to see an Indian person wearing traditional clothes dancing to an Indian song, which eventually gets remixed into a Lil' John Song, and the dance moves turn into something you'd see on BET at night. Our ancestors, would truly be jealous.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Menopause Mystery

I believe that a man should only have to endure menopause once in his life. Yes, I've said it. It sounds crazy, and I understand its the women who have to endure the hot flashes, and the hormonal civil war that occurs in their bodies, but the abuse men take during this time is seriously not accounted for. In my experience, the stay-at-home Indian moms can be quite a handful to deal with during this transition into the "Golden Years". Everything from the Masala Fury to Raging Hormonal Madness comes out and manifests its self in the form of verbal attacks to you because you are the cause of all that is evil in the world for being a male.

In other areas of medicine, when a person displays the following characteristics:

1 - irrationality
2 - disillusionment
3 - emotionally instability
4 - bipolar tendencies
5 - paranoia

We diagnose them and call them a schizophrenic person. Usually the remedy includes taking medicine such as Zoloft or Risperdal and letting them be on their way. The drugs usually make them more easy to deal with, less hallucinogenic, and as a side effect less horny. However, in the case of Menopause nothing can be done. We've got all the drugs in the world, but we can't find one that will stop a grown woman from cutting the lawn with scissors. On top of that you get yelled at for not helping. Its just unreal!

As a man, its not easy to deal with this. You can not use any of the tools at our disposal such as logic, rationality, and repeated offers of sex. It just gets you into more trouble. Usually if you try to rationalize why it wouldn't be good to spray paint your pet dog, there is a 95% chance you may end up making her cry. However, the part that requires the most patience is the conversation you have to try to keep with a woman going through Menopause. Its like trying to talk to someone who is tripping on Acid or Shrooms. Your ear drums will get bombarded with everything from Women's Rights topics, to politics, and eventually why she thinks the new sweater she bought is "so cute" even though its probably more appropriate for the teenage daughter. I've had the following conversation with a woman going through Menopause:

Me: So what do you want to do for dinner today?
Meno Lady: Why is it always my fault!? What did I do to you? Why do you always blame the dinner problems on me!?
Me: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Can you tell me if you'd like to cook or just order in?
Meno Lady: Wasn't it just a beautiful day outside today? I mean the sun was shining, the birds were churping, it was just lovely.
Me: So I guess I should call Dominos?
Meno Lady: Go kill yourself. You wouldn't be anything without me! You don't even know! You just don't get it!
Me: Would you like Cheesy Bread?

The tactic to employ here is to be consistent. Either way, you are not going to win.

So for all the men in the world that are enduring the fury of Menopause, the only advice I can offer is for you to just stick it out. In the words of Will Ferrel in Old School "Keep on truckin". It ain't easy, but once it has passed, the emotions won't change so frequently, and maybe just maybe you might even be able to use a lawn mower to cut the grass. After Menopause you will be begging for the days of begging for sex, and hoping to squeeze it in between Scrabble and Grey's Anatomy.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The End of an Era

Its that time of year again. The leaves are changing color, the weather is getting cooler, and the women are trading in their bikinis for their turtlenecks. The Fall is here. Its one of my favorite times of year, because it signifies change. The leaves let you know that another year is almost over, and the Sunday drinking tells you football season has begun. However, this year is different. This year, we are not only changing seasons, but changing our leader of America. This year, George W. Bush will officially leave the Oval Office, and either McCain or Obama will take his place.

As the 2008 election campaign anxiously approaches November 4th, I've decided to take this opportunity to look back and reflect. The American Dream is still alive. You know it is because there are still more people trying to get into this country than trying to get out. However, no one has lived the American Dream in a more distinguished way than George Dubbya. He's done many things - 1) Screw up the economy, 2) Start an unnecessary war, 3) Make oil ridiculously expensive, and so on and so forth.

However, I like to think of myself as an optimistic man. So, I'd like to share with you all what a friend shared with me. This would be some of the wise and profound sayings that George Dubbya left with us. All great and noble statesmen leave a legacy with some of their thoughts and sayings that become enshrined in the minds of humanity and get passed on from generation to generation. For example, in ancient Rome Cicero would leave us with thought provoking sayings such as "Advice is judged by results, not by intentions". In much the same way George W. Bush also left us with some wonderful words of wisdom which I'd like to share with you and give you my own take on what he meant:

1 - "Most imports are from outside the country" - I think he was really trying to tackle the immigration issue here. I think what he was trying to differentiate is the imports that come from other countries, as opposed to the imports made by the illegal immigrants locally. I'm sorry, I tried, but this is just a stupid fucking statement.

2 - "You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on" - I think the people he was referring to were Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleeza Rice.

3 - "Well, I think if you say your going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness" - Obviously, this was one of his greatest sayings ever. We all know this is directed towards Bin Laden. Dubbya is simply trying to imply to Bin Laden that he's going to find him, and then not do it, ergo, maintaining his trustworthiness with the American People. In the words of John McCain we've got Bin Laden "Right where we want em". In a safe cave, away from harm, and unable to be located.

4 - “There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee...that says, fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool can't get fooled again.” - I believe this was the inspirational speech he gave to congress after he was informed that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

5 - “When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive.” - Clearly he is implying that Bin Laden is a Camel Butt.

All in all, the presidency of George W. Bush will be remembered as an interesting one to say the least. At least we all will learn what happens when you elect a guy you'd like to have a beer with at a barbecue for president. The nation deals with the hangover. On the other hand, I also believe that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Maybe the next President can be the opposite reaction to whatever Bush was. Intelligent, eloquent, and inspiring.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Creep & Grind

If you were born somewhere between 1970 and 1998 there is a good chance you went to a party. There is an even better chance that at that party they played some hip-hop music. If you're lucky, you may have even had the good fortune of "grinding" with someone. Now, you must understand that grinding and dancing is two completely different things. Don't believe the hype, grinding is simply grinding, and dancing is dancing. Dancing involves coordination, and rhythmic symmetry displayed in articulate movements shadowed by both people. Grinding involves a stiff drink, a stiffy, and inhibition.

Now according to this article by wikipedia, they claim it is a dance which involves "two or more dancers rubbing their bodies together, especially the genitallia". Of course, like all inaccurate websites they fail to give you the truth. Don't worry though, the Indian guy is here to tell you the truth. According to my research, grinding was discovered in the jungles of India. That's right, I'm gonna be the first one to come out and say it. There was a guy, who was trying to seduce a girl, and he ran out of ideas. She did not accept his jalebis (Indian sweets), and when he sang to her she cried because he was so bad. One day he was sitting in the jungle, and he noticed the mating rituals of monkeys. He noticed how the male monkey simply did not take no for an answer. Every time the male monkey tried to talk to the female monkey, the femal monkey would slap him in the face, but he stayed the course. Eventually when the female monkey was not looking he crept behind her and did his thing. When the monkey was done he yelled out a Borat style "Great Success!"

Upon witnessing this, the Indian realized "Of course", I must do the creep and grind. At the next cultural festival, he used this mamallian technique. At first, he kept getting dirty looks, and even threats. However, there was a moment in time when she was alone, and waiting in line for some water. No one was around, and he made his move. He went behind her and did his thing. She was surprised, shocked, and strangely satisfied. The first succesfull creep and grind in history was accomplished! He went on and spread the word to his friends. Of course, Indians are known for a variety of things, and the inability to keep secrets is definately one of them.

Now some will tell you its inappropriate to grind, but if monkeys can do it, and we're higher creatures then they are, then shouldn't we be able to proudly display our natural abilities? The creep and grind isn't for everyone. If you are the type of person who worries about what others may think, this may not be the right thing for you. However, I must warn you that the hardest part of this dance is the "Creep". In my estimation, the most succesfull people when it comes to the art of the "Creep" are stock brokers, because to these people its a numbers game and you just don't take no for an answer. The more you leads you hit, the better your odds are of a favorable response. Of course this requires, lack of grace and shame, but the juice can be worth the squeeze.

The "Grind" on the other hand is the reward for the hard work. Like anything in life, you have your own way of getting your reward. You can use the numbers theory which works well for many people, or you can do something that hasn't been done in years. You can actually try to ask someone for a dance. Now, I know I mentioned that grinding is not dancing. However, you must understand that we are animals. Like all animals we have our own techniques of attracting our prey. Some animals make themselves look like something else, and then strike when the prey is close. Others, ask women for a dance in a nightclub, and then when the booze has hit, and she yells out "Ooh! This is my song!" in one swift motion you can go from artful dancer, to shameless grinder. Like all succesfull hunters it helps to deploy a team strategy. Usually having your friends distract her friends can ensure the grind goes more succesfully.

The one thing I must urge everyone, is that there is an unspoken rule. Under no circumstance shall anyone EVER stare at another couple grinding. Its like having someone watch you while having sex. Sure there are those who are into it, but for most its an invasion of privacy.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sheer Stupidity

Life is full of surprises. A slight of hand here, and a twist of fate there, can completely change the course of your journey. I learned this lesson the hard way, many years ago, when I had gotten my first car. It was a Dodge Neon. Nothing to brag about, but even though I didn't know it, this car would be my metaphor for life in many ways. It was a piece of crap, but it got me from point A to point B, and even allowed me to go on dates occasionally. It was poorly designed, worked inconsistently, but was mine to behold and cherish. Some time after I got my car, I was involved in an incident that would ensure my life would never be the same.

After graduating college my life consisted of work, gym, and girlfriend. I worked in New York City, barely made any money, and went to the gym after work. My motivation for going to the gym was 2-fold. Of course I wanted to be in shape for the girlfriend, but more importantly I worked for the corporate headquarters of Club Monaco clothing. My office consisted of 79 women, and 21 men, of which 14 were gay. So I had to be in shape, or else I'd feel like I simply did not belong. Every day consisted of an exhausting commute chasing after buses and trains, and them coming home and hitting the weights at Guido Central, otherwise known as The Pyramid Club.

On a typical Wednesday, I went into work, and did my job. I fixed people's computers. I had no time for breakfast, so at lunch time, I was famished. I had a nice fulfilling burrito. I spent the rest of the day attending to my tasks at work, and then commuted back home. My cousin had agreed to come to the gym with me that day. So off we went. We started out at the treadmill. It was quite embarrassing, because my burrito was making its way through my system, and I had to let one rip while running. I refused to slow down the treadmill, and I refused to get off before finishing 2 miles, as a result the Black Woman next to me had to suffer. I saw the look of disgust in her face as soon as the gas had whaffed her way. I also made a similar look of disgust to hint that the wrong-doing was not my fault. I carried on after I finished my run, and went to the weights. My cousin and I had an exhaustive work out. We cooled off with some water and decided to go home.

I got in my Dodge Neon like I had done hundreds of times before, but this time would be different. I was feeling satisfied from my workout, and relieved from the burrito. I blasted the radio and was rocking out to some obscure house song. I pulled out of my parking spot and me and my cousin were on our way home. I got to the edge of the lot, and went to make the left turn. I cut the wheel and accelerated.


When you think you are going to die, you react in unusual ways. I don't know what happened, or how it happened, but when I came to my senses the glass was shattered, and the air bag was blowing hot steam. "Run! Run for your life man! The car is gonna blow!!!!" My cousin and I were scared out of our minds. My cousin had so much adrenaline in him that he kicked the door open and we ran from the car like John McCain would run from a Vietnamese restaurant. We were yelling at all the people coming out of the gym "Be careful, the car is gonna explode!" When everyone started hysterically laughing at us, I knew that I was thoroughly embarrassed and in fact my car was not going to explode.

Apparently, I was so stupid, that when I made the left turn I didn't realize there was a curb there. With my talented driving skills I actually managed to accelerate the car into the curb. I did it so fast, that the front of the car caught air, and when it landed my axle broke in half. The airbags had deployed, and the windows had exploded from the pressure. I can't explain why I thought the car was gonna blow up. Maybe I thought I was a hero in a movie. However, if I was someone coming out of the gym, and I saw two idiots running from a car that was on a curb, yelling that it was gonna blow, I'd probably laugh my ass off as well. All in all, I screwed up the Neon so bad, that couldn't even be towed properly, they had to get a special tow truck that actually lifted the car off the ground, to bring it back to my house. All my neighbors kept asking how it happened, and when I told them they fell of their asses laughing.

I guess, sometimes stupidity does not even begin to describe a situation. Life like my Neon can come to an unexpected end that no one might see coming. The only thing to do afterwards is laugh about how retarded the driver is.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

More Than Meets The Eye

He was excited. He had no idea what lay ahead of him. Raj had always dreamed of coming to America and it was finally about to happen. He was so excited about the buildings, the cultures, his new co-workers, and of course the women. See, living in India besides from what he read on the internet all he knew of America was Baywatch and McDonalds. He had spent all of his life studying and working in India, and never really thought he'd be working or living in America. However, he was working for a company that had an office in the States. Raj had performed exceptionally well, in fact he performed so well that the US Office wanted him there, and he got an opportunity to go.

He was sad. How could a person who has only lived with his parents and never even gone outside his home state in India, ever survive in a country like America? Then he thought to himself, Baywatch & McDonalds, that is how I will get by. One day while going about his business, his boss called him into his office. "Raj, you've been performing really well, and we want to send you to America. You will be given a place to live there, and a salary which will be paid in Dollars. What do you think about that?" An immediate grin was plastered on his face, and he was so full of excitement, he could barely manage to say the words "That sounds like a good opportunity". In reality, he was thinking "Aray Vah! America, I am COMMMING!" He left his boss's office and pointed his 2 fingers in the air and did a fake bhangra move before walking back to his desk. He was so full of excitement he couldn't do any work for the rest of the day. He had grand visions of being on the beach and rescuing women in bikinis from the silver waters of the Pacific, who returned the favor to him in his favorite way. A smile and druel were interrupted when his boss came by and dropped a stack of papers on his desk saying, "I need this done by the end of today, and I will discuss what we talked about tomorrow after the meeting with you". He quickly finished the task at hand, and went off to his big dreams. Later that day he came home from work, and explained the big news to his folks. They were happy for him. The kind of happiness a father feels when he gives his daughter away at a wedding. They knew it was for the best, but they knew nothing would ever be the same.

The next day Raj came into the office, with a somber state of mind. He was incredibly excited, and unbelievably sad knowing that he may have to leave this life he had known forever. His boss then gave him the news. The company would shift him to the US, and pay for his apartment for 6 months, and give him a car to help him get around. He would be leaving in 2 weeks time. He spent those two weeks shopping for warm clothes, and saying goodbye to his closest friends and family. It was not easy, but it was exciting. It was the same type of excitement a high school student might feel on graduation day. When the day came, Raj bowed down and touched the feet of all his elders, with the utmost respect and showed complete gratitude for his culture and religion. He left some extra money at the temple for good luck in his new venture and went to the airport. He had never flown before, so to find out he was a business-class passenger was a beautiful thing.

The air hostesses were beautiful, the people were friendly, and the alcohol was delicious and free. Johnny Walker Blue Label helped Raj fall into a deep sleep. He slept like a child. When he awoke, he was somewhere close to New York. Then the pilot announced the local temperature was 32 degrees Fahrenheit. Just like that all the visions of Baywatch and Pamela Anderson instantly disappeared. "All I have now is McDonalds" Raj thought to himself. When he landed in New York, a car was waiting for him. The driver's name was Carter, and he was quite the talkative person. He thought to himself how great this was going to be. He got to his apartment and he was astonished to have a huge 2-bedroom townhouse all to himself. He soon realized that he could walk around naked and no one would care, because he's the only one home. As he was un-packing and strolling about with nothing on, the door bell rang. He was freaked! He threw on some shorts and a t-shirt, and another guy was at the door. As Raj opened the door, Nick walked in with his bags. "Nice to meet you buddy, I'm Nick. I've recently been hired and we are sharing this 2-bedroom townhouse for 6 months I believe". Just like that the nudist colony became a formal place.

On his first day of work, Raj was blown away. He couldn't believe how tight the clothes were on all the women. There are times when a man arrives at a place, and he feels an instant connection. There are times when he does not. That connection, for some reason just makes everything feel "right". This was one of those times. This country, and this company gave Raj a feeling he hadn't felt in a really long time. Unfortunately after meeting Heather the receptionist, the feeling he felt was also in his pants, and Raj had to quickly excuse himself. After meeting everyone and making his way to his desk, Raj began to get familiar with his job requirements, and what was expected of him. He thought to himself, I will be focused, and I will work harder than everyone. That state of mind lasted a whole week. He found it incredibly hard to be this way with Nick goofing around right next to him all the time. Nick was always flirting with women on the phone and being a bit obnoxious. Ironically, this didn't bother Raj. Being the quiet one his whole life, Raj admired Nick's "free-flowing" attitude.

Then the day came, which changed Raj forever. Up to this point, Raj was always quiet and kept his thoughts to himself. However, on this day Heather was wearing something that was out right provocative. Raj couldn't contain it. She walked by, and Raj made a small noise under his breath. The kind of noise you would make if you were constipated. He was sure no one had heard. Unfortunately Nick started cracking up laughing. Raj quickly blushed and said "Neeck, you know, sometimes these things I cannot control. Did you see Heather today? She is looking too nice. When she is walking like this, I cannot control my desires sometimes". Nick knew the perfect solution. "Raj my friend, I am taking you tonight to a place where you don't have to hold in your desires". After dinner Nick, Raj, and few other co-workers showed up to a gentleman's club. Raj asked "What is a gentleman's club Nick? They have some drinks here?" "You will see my friend, they have a lot more than just drinks".

When Candy caressed Raj's thighs and took the dollar out his mouth in ways he never thought possible, he finally thought to himself "I have arrived". Forget about Baywatch & McDonalds, this is the real American Dream! After a couple of hours in there Nick was ready to head back home. Raj was no where to be found. Finally Nick found him, "Raj, we have to go, you can't spend all your money here". Clearly intoxicated with lust and alcohol Raj replied "Why not? I can do whatever I want. No mummy, no daddy, only Raj. I will take one more dance, than we can go". Nick waited impatiently. Finally the two of them went home. The next day at work, Raj had a horrible headache and was late for his meeting. Finally at lunch time he opened up his wallet and only found receipts. He could not believe he spent $600 so quickly! At the same time, he didn't feel so bad, because he had more fun than he had in a very long time. When Friday came, Raj suggested they go back to the gentleman's club. Unfortunately, Nick was not up for it. So Raj gathered other coworkers and went back.

As time went on Raj became a usual at this establishment. He continued to make groaning noises on days when Heather dressed promiscuously. However, Nick knew that he created a monster. It was too late. Raj had a taste of American flesh and cheap perfume, and he was hooked. "Nick, we can go tonight na?" "Na! You crazy bastard we can't! You can't!" he replied. Raj dismissed him, and Nick noticed that the people Raj was going with were the newbies from the Indian office. He finally realized one great truth about these guys from India. That is, that they are incredibly horny.

At that point he realized that while we were outsourcing to India, the Indians were outsourcing to us at the same time. It was a simple economic trade-off. Software for stage-dancers.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Brown Instincts

According to wikipedia instincts are "inherited fixed action patterns". They are a fixed set of reactions to certain stimuli. Most of the time creatures use instincts for survival. For example, a horse's first reaction to a threat is to flee.

With this concept of instincts as being something that is "innate", I began to wonder, what are the instincts of the species known as "The Indian Man"? I mean really what stimuli, when applied to any Indian Man will prompt the same reaction all over the world? At first, I thought this was preposterous. Can all Indian men have the same reaction to certain stimuli? This is just a silly hypothesis I thought to myself. Then I arrived in Frankfurt for a business conference. There, I saw it unfold with my own eyes. There are certain things that all Indian men just seem to have a natural ability to do.

For example, when a vulture sees a dead carcass, it will usually circle it several times, and then all the vultures will feed off the dead carcass. From my experience, it seems to me that when an Indian Man finds a strip club in a new city. Just like the vultures do, he will survey it several times over, and before you know it all the Indian men in that city will find themselves there. This happened my second night of the conference I was attending in Europe. I was taking it easy and had just returned from a nice meal. Afterwards, my colleagues and I were winding down the night with some well-deserved post-dinner drinks. Afterwards, one of my colleagues turns to me and says "Hey buddy, would you like to join us at a lounge tonight?" I thought to myself, these guys are not from around here, so they must have asked around and found a decent lounge / bar. Well, it turns out that what they found was a strip club that was a haven for every Indian Business man in that city! I mean literally I walked in, and freakin felt like I stepped onto a train in Mumbai.

Then I saw the other fixed reaction to a stimuli. A naked woman went over and asked for a dance, and all the guys no matter how bad they wanted one initially said no. Some of them had their money ready, but for some reason, just did not want to be the first one to get a dance. Being the Alpha Male that I like to think I am, I offered my services. I laid down on the bar with some Euros in my mouth, and showed my fellow species how its done. I like to think that was the tipping point, because after that the bodies were piling up on stage as if it was some kind of religious ritual.

Finally, I saw the last fixed reaction the following day. When all of us were at the conference, every single person who was at that club the night before when asked about how their night was responded with the same exact response. "It was fine. Nothing much to see here in this city. We had some drinks and called it a night." But they all had a dirty smile etched onto their souls, and memories of dirty Euros in their mouths. No matter how much I tried to just say where I was, all I could muster up was "Aaah, it was nothin. No big deal. Don't even recall really what happened".