Not too long ago, I was having a stressful day at work, and a good friend who I'll call AJ, agreed to help me kill some brain cells by pounding some booze. The effect was magical. Before I stepped into the establishment, my head felt heavy, and my neck, and shoulders felt like I had the world's problems on them. A few brews in, I was light on my feet, and felt loose enough to take on the world. As men often do when releasing stress, me and my buddy got to talkin.
"So how's things with your girl?" I asked. "Could be better" he said. Now you should know one thing about AJ. He is one of the most analytical people I've ever met. I mean everything to this guy is an analysis. A drink of water will only occur, if the investment of time and effort put into getting it, is worth it. He thinks about everything in terms of timing, effort put in, and what is gained. Everything accept one thing that is - his girlfriend. He said something quite interesting to me when he uttered the words "If I was thinking about this rationally, I'd have let her go by now. But at some point you've got to throw logic and rationality out the window and use your emotions I guess. If you don't , your not human". For him to say this, for me was the ultimate testament that people are emotional creatures more than anything.
Getting deeper into the conversation he said something that I'll never forget. "There's something to be said about the parasitic nature of women" were the words he spoke that stuck to my mind. For some reason, this statement sparked a curiosity in my mind, and I did a little homework. According to wikipedia "Parasitism is a type of symbiotic relationship between organisms of different species[citation needed] in which one, the parasite, benefits from a prolonged, close association with the other, the host, which is harmed. In general, parasites are much smaller than their hosts, show a high degree of specialization for their mode of life and reproduce more quickly and in greater numbers than their hosts". "The harm and benefit in parasitic interactions concern the biological fitness of the organisms involved. Parasites reduce host fitness in many ways, ranging from general or specialized pathology (such as castration), impairment of secondary sex characteristics, to the modification of host behaviour. Parasites increase their fitness by exploiting hosts for food, habitat and dispersal."
Upon reading this definition, I felt a sense of familiarity come over me. Kind of like those situations you see sometimes and think "Oh yeah, I know exactly what that feels like". He said as we carried on talking, that he didn't mind this, but its just that once in a while, when he needed something he just assumed she'd be there, and when it doesn't happen you kind of feel like sh*t. All of this was a bit much to take in at once. The two voices in my head (Stella Artois and Sam Adams) were screaming how much my friend was right! However, I had to think about this. Are women really parasites to men? Do they get more out of a relationship than men do?
Well, I thought I'd think this out point-by-point and see if women fit this definition:
1 - Parasites are much smaller than their host
Yes, but not always, since some dudes like more "cushion for the pushin"
2 - Show a high degree of specialization for their mode of life
Most women I know are pretty much all over the place all the freakin time. If I need a quick decision, I would probably avoid asking a woman, however if I needed a smart decision, that's probably the way to go, since we all know what "head" men use 98% of the time. This theory doesn't really fit.
3 - Reproduce more quickly and in greater numbers than their host
This one is just self-explanatory
4 - Parasites reduce host fitness
This one can go either way. Women either piss men off so much, that they go to the gym to blow off steam, or they drive them to alcohol/drug abuse. Either way you develop a tolerance for pain.
5 - Modification of host behaviour
I believe there is no question regarding this trait. A man, any man, always behaves differently when he's in a relationship, than when he's not. I have a buddy who when he was single got to 3rd base with a girl in a club one night, then asked everyone to smell his finger. This same buddy of mine, is now telling me he's ready for kids.
In conclusion, although this is an interesting comparison if I concluded that women were parasites, I probably would never get laid. But besides that, I think women are a necessary part of being a man. They get us to see things differently, and sometimes its good, and sometimes it ain't.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Financial Advice
The economy sucks. The US government is bailing out more companies than a Bond-broker in Camden. It is aweful. While the Wall Street Gurus were over-evaluating investments, the US government decided you should be the one who pays for their stupidity. But hey, maybe in that moment, at that time, an idea to fund a company that was selling personalized maneur figurines had a "niche" market. Who knows? Oh by the way, you know whose responsible for the $700 Bn bailout that Wallstreet managed to screw up? You guessed it, YOU. So what can you do to get by in these crazy times?
Well, The Indian Guy has some tips for you. Financially savvy, folks will tell you about diversified investments, and low-risk bets. But I say - fu*% that! The following are some ideas guaranteed to keep the revenues coming in, and not providing an annoying hindrance to your lifestyle:
Prostitution - The way I see it, this is a win-win (except for the whole thing about it being illegal)
Organ selling - Did you know that a kidney is worth $20,000 on the black market? On top of that you have another one to spare!
Immigrant smuggling - You may not realize it, but even though the US economy seems to be in the crapper, there are still more people who want to come here, than want to get out. This creates a silver lining for an entrepreneur whose looking to "help" those live the American Dream, by spending thousands of dollars to get into the country in the backs of the finest trucks and boats. The reward for your good deed is another cleaning company, and the feeling of pride you will get when another person gets to "live the dream" by opening another gas station, or cleaning an office building.
English Tutor- With all the hords of immigrants flocking to the US, there will be a need for tutors of the English language. Unless of course they speak Spanish. In that case, America will feel like a Starbucks in Mexico City. It will have the same stuff, but the menu will be a bit more organized, and the place will be a bit more cleaner. However, for all the Asian immigrants making their way over here an English tutor will be just what they need. Hey, you might even be able to charge extra if you can teach ebonics.
Run for President - Do you have catch phrases? Can you offer theoretical solutions to problems? Do you know how to say cool phrases such as "No way, No how, No McCain?". Do you have the ability to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on bridges we don't need? Do you have the ability to make problems go away, by simply denying the problem exists? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you just might be able to run for president. With the internet, its never been easier to raise money for "your campaign". Ron Paul, who isn't even a nominated candidate made something like $20 million in one day over the internet.
Facebook Bitch - It seems like everyone hates the new facebook. Why not sell rants about how much the new facebook sucks to everyone in your network? You can sell cool catch phrases like that people can put as their status. For example "Michael thinks the new facebook blows more than his ex-girlfriend Jenny", or "Jenny thinks the new facebook is about as useful as Michael's penis. Sure it was a change from what she had before, but it doesn't mean it works".
I guess, in times like these is when true innovation occurs. Its times like these, where people really get creative about making money, and how to get by. Who knows, maybe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise.
Well, The Indian Guy has some tips for you. Financially savvy, folks will tell you about diversified investments, and low-risk bets. But I say - fu*% that! The following are some ideas guaranteed to keep the revenues coming in, and not providing an annoying hindrance to your lifestyle:
Prostitution - The way I see it, this is a win-win (except for the whole thing about it being illegal)
Organ selling - Did you know that a kidney is worth $20,000 on the black market? On top of that you have another one to spare!
Immigrant smuggling - You may not realize it, but even though the US economy seems to be in the crapper, there are still more people who want to come here, than want to get out. This creates a silver lining for an entrepreneur whose looking to "help" those live the American Dream, by spending thousands of dollars to get into the country in the backs of the finest trucks and boats. The reward for your good deed is another cleaning company, and the feeling of pride you will get when another person gets to "live the dream" by opening another gas station, or cleaning an office building.
English Tutor- With all the hords of immigrants flocking to the US, there will be a need for tutors of the English language. Unless of course they speak Spanish. In that case, America will feel like a Starbucks in Mexico City. It will have the same stuff, but the menu will be a bit more organized, and the place will be a bit more cleaner. However, for all the Asian immigrants making their way over here an English tutor will be just what they need. Hey, you might even be able to charge extra if you can teach ebonics.
Run for President - Do you have catch phrases? Can you offer theoretical solutions to problems? Do you know how to say cool phrases such as "No way, No how, No McCain?". Do you have the ability to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on bridges we don't need? Do you have the ability to make problems go away, by simply denying the problem exists? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you just might be able to run for president. With the internet, its never been easier to raise money for "your campaign". Ron Paul, who isn't even a nominated candidate made something like $20 million in one day over the internet.
Facebook Bitch - It seems like everyone hates the new facebook. Why not sell rants about how much the new facebook sucks to everyone in your network? You can sell cool catch phrases like that people can put as their status. For example "Michael thinks the new facebook blows more than his ex-girlfriend Jenny", or "Jenny thinks the new facebook is about as useful as Michael's penis. Sure it was a change from what she had before, but it doesn't mean it works".
I guess, in times like these is when true innovation occurs. Its times like these, where people really get creative about making money, and how to get by. Who knows, maybe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise.
Friday, September 19, 2008
How to Keep a Man Happy
I recently came across this article on Wikihow about how to keep your (sober ) man happy (between the ages of 21 - 30). I was thoroughly annoyed by this article, just like I'm annoyed with most articles written on this topic. Its obviously written by a woman. I find it hilarious that so many articles about keeping your man happy are written by women. Its like a marriage counselor giving marriage advice, whose never been married themselves. I mean seriously people, can we get a man to write these articles?! If I wanted to know how to bake a cake, I wouldn't ask my mechanic - you know what I'm saying?
In any case, this person goes onto explain that among other things you shouldn't "convey yourself to your man". God forbid! Then this person goes onto explain "helps if you are the same way with your man, telling him the honest-to-goodness truth about what he says and does as it happens". Well I have a NEWSFLASH: THE PROBLEM WITH MOST PEOPLE IS THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY SAY OR SAY WHAT THEY MEAN! I'm willing to bet that 90% of all relationship fights occur, because both the man AND the woman don't say the truth about how they feel. Even if its a good thing, they feel the need to hold back. Why? I don't know. I guess we're afraid of showing who we really are.
Continuing on to the wonderful advice, this person goes onto explain "Don't assume that doing nice things for your man, even things that are traditionally viewed as subservient, will make him view you as any less independent". Yes, that is exactly how to keep us men happy. By NOT BEING NICE TO US! You know, us guys, we loooooove to bicker and bitch it out with the ladies, because we have nothing better to do. Let me explain something here. Bickering to women is like jerking off to men. Sometimes we do it, just because there's nothing else going on! Its a win-win since it provides pleasure, and kills time all at once.
I just find it sad, that we live in this day and age where websites ask for personality profiles, and magazines go around giving suggestions of hundreds of things that can be done to keep men and/or women happy. When the truth of the matter is that we are simple creatures with simple needs. We don't have to give into all the hype. I believe Dave Chapelle said it best when he said "If you wanna keep a man happy, its simple. Suck his dick, play with his balls, and make him a sandwhich".
In any case, this person goes onto explain that among other things you shouldn't "convey yourself to your man". God forbid! Then this person goes onto explain "helps if you are the same way with your man, telling him the honest-to-goodness truth about what he says and does as it happens". Well I have a NEWSFLASH: THE PROBLEM WITH MOST PEOPLE IS THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY SAY OR SAY WHAT THEY MEAN! I'm willing to bet that 90% of all relationship fights occur, because both the man AND the woman don't say the truth about how they feel. Even if its a good thing, they feel the need to hold back. Why? I don't know. I guess we're afraid of showing who we really are.
Continuing on to the wonderful advice, this person goes onto explain "Don't assume that doing nice things for your man, even things that are traditionally viewed as subservient, will make him view you as any less independent". Yes, that is exactly how to keep us men happy. By NOT BEING NICE TO US! You know, us guys, we loooooove to bicker and bitch it out with the ladies, because we have nothing better to do. Let me explain something here. Bickering to women is like jerking off to men. Sometimes we do it, just because there's nothing else going on! Its a win-win since it provides pleasure, and kills time all at once.
I just find it sad, that we live in this day and age where websites ask for personality profiles, and magazines go around giving suggestions of hundreds of things that can be done to keep men and/or women happy. When the truth of the matter is that we are simple creatures with simple needs. We don't have to give into all the hype. I believe Dave Chapelle said it best when he said "If you wanna keep a man happy, its simple. Suck his dick, play with his balls, and make him a sandwhich".
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Oh ya? Is She Hot?
If you've ever told a buddy about a girl your dating, there is a very good chance he's uttered the words "Oh ya, is she hot?" to you. I don't understand why guys ask this question to their friends, however it is inevitable, and I'm convinced its been happening since the dawn of civilization. It makes no sense to me as to why one would ask this question. Almost always the response is "Hell yea!", or "She kind of looks like Megan Fox with bigger tits, and a stronger libido", and for a more honest person he might say "She's a butterface, but a freak in the sack" or something along these lines. I can't think of any guy I know, who would say to his friends "Na bro, she's nasty. She got buck teeth, a wig, and crusty nails. But you know what? She's a nice girl". The most honest guys I know will usually respond with "She has a great personality" which I translate into one of the following:
1 - She's hideous
2 - She's rich
3 - She's about to die and leave you a fortune
4 - She has dentures and when they are removed it makes for great fellacio
Being the wonderer that I am, I began to ponder why do men ask this question. I found some possible explanations:
1. To be a good friend - Maybe your friend just wants to make sure that your genuinely getting what you deserve. Maybe he's asking, because he's trying to catch you off-guard and see how you really feel. In which case, if she's a cow, he'll convince you to let the butchers have her, so you can find something else.
2. Self Assurance - Maybe your friend wants to make sure that when you bring this girl around, she's not a hag, and thereby make him look bad since he's hanging around with uglier people. Believe it or not, maybe your friend may pretend not to know you if you actually have the balls to bring her out in public. He may leave clues by only hanging out with you and your new girl at the movies where he insists on meeting you inside, or for a nice dinner at one of your houses. Pretty much avoiding public places altogether.
3. Self Doubt - I know way too many guys who claim to bang more women than Ron Jeremy in his prime. These guys, will always tell you about the girl they met last week, and how hot she was and how she was a freak in the sack, and her friend wanted a 3-some, and just couldn't get enough of him. The funny thing is, you never see this guy with any of these chicks. I wonder why. So by asking you this question, he now has a new story to tell another friend or coworker that you probably don't know about this hot new girl he met.
I can't really think of any other reasons besides these for why a guy would ask this question, but whatever the reason is, its pretty pointless. Most men see women as hot/bang-her-tonight material or cute & pretty/bang-her-over-a-long-period material. Either the chick looks like a pornstar and will be treated like one, or she looks like a good mother, and get treated the same way. Either way beauty is in the eye of the liar (I mean beholder) I guess.
1 - She's hideous
2 - She's rich
3 - She's about to die and leave you a fortune
4 - She has dentures and when they are removed it makes for great fellacio
Being the wonderer that I am, I began to ponder why do men ask this question. I found some possible explanations:
1. To be a good friend - Maybe your friend just wants to make sure that your genuinely getting what you deserve. Maybe he's asking, because he's trying to catch you off-guard and see how you really feel. In which case, if she's a cow, he'll convince you to let the butchers have her, so you can find something else.
2. Self Assurance - Maybe your friend wants to make sure that when you bring this girl around, she's not a hag, and thereby make him look bad since he's hanging around with uglier people. Believe it or not, maybe your friend may pretend not to know you if you actually have the balls to bring her out in public. He may leave clues by only hanging out with you and your new girl at the movies where he insists on meeting you inside, or for a nice dinner at one of your houses. Pretty much avoiding public places altogether.
3. Self Doubt - I know way too many guys who claim to bang more women than Ron Jeremy in his prime. These guys, will always tell you about the girl they met last week, and how hot she was and how she was a freak in the sack, and her friend wanted a 3-some, and just couldn't get enough of him. The funny thing is, you never see this guy with any of these chicks. I wonder why. So by asking you this question, he now has a new story to tell another friend or coworker that you probably don't know about this hot new girl he met.
I can't really think of any other reasons besides these for why a guy would ask this question, but whatever the reason is, its pretty pointless. Most men see women as hot/bang-her-tonight material or cute & pretty/bang-her-over-a-long-period material. Either the chick looks like a pornstar and will be treated like one, or she looks like a good mother, and get treated the same way. Either way beauty is in the eye of the liar (I mean beholder) I guess.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The Stank Profile
I've come to the conclusion that although we are all unique as humans, as cultures we have several traits that help identify us and provide a common thread for people of a certain background, creed, or location. I am not a racist, or any kind of ..-cist, however I've realized that different people have different odors...which I like to call the Stank Profile.
Where did this genius revelation come from you might ask? Well, it happened yesterday evening when I was at the Ft. Lauderdale airport Chili's restaurant grabbing a bite to eat waiting for my flight to arrive. I was eating my chips, and blackbean burger, when out of no where a gentleman comes next to me and asks if the seat next to me at the bar was available. It was so I said "Its all yours". I then returned to take another bite into my veggie heaven sandwhiched between to pieces of bread with just the right amount of hot sauce, and it happened. A nauseating odor had infiltrated my nostrils. It was highly repulsive yet familiar. Then I realized, I recognized this odor from the gym. It was the stank of an African-American man-sweat (my buddy that used to spot me at the gym, stank like this all the time after some cardio).
In that instant, not only did I abandon my meal, pay my bill, and get out of there, I also realized that we as humans have a stank profile. This is the general profile of odor we emit when our deoderants and anti-perspirants have failed us. I've narrowed them down to the following:
Indians - A combination of paprika, lemon juice, & diarrhea
Blacks (by this I mean those from the islands as well as Africa...I don't mean this in a racist way) - a combination of sweat, rotten lettuce, & stale beer
Whites (non-Jewish) - a combination of burnt hot dogs, puke, and olives
Whites (Jewish) - a combination of spoiled cabbage, wet hair, and mayonnaise
Hispanic - a combination of refried-bean-fart, jalapenos, & Taco Bell meat
Oriental - a combination of burnt-oil, cough syrup, and onions
I hope I did not offend anyone by this, I was hoping to offend everyone equally. Actually, if your honest with yourself, you may even find some truth in these observations.
Where did this genius revelation come from you might ask? Well, it happened yesterday evening when I was at the Ft. Lauderdale airport Chili's restaurant grabbing a bite to eat waiting for my flight to arrive. I was eating my chips, and blackbean burger, when out of no where a gentleman comes next to me and asks if the seat next to me at the bar was available. It was so I said "Its all yours". I then returned to take another bite into my veggie heaven sandwhiched between to pieces of bread with just the right amount of hot sauce, and it happened. A nauseating odor had infiltrated my nostrils. It was highly repulsive yet familiar. Then I realized, I recognized this odor from the gym. It was the stank of an African-American man-sweat (my buddy that used to spot me at the gym, stank like this all the time after some cardio).
In that instant, not only did I abandon my meal, pay my bill, and get out of there, I also realized that we as humans have a stank profile. This is the general profile of odor we emit when our deoderants and anti-perspirants have failed us. I've narrowed them down to the following:
Indians - A combination of paprika, lemon juice, & diarrhea
Blacks (by this I mean those from the islands as well as Africa...I don't mean this in a racist way) - a combination of sweat, rotten lettuce, & stale beer
Whites (non-Jewish) - a combination of burnt hot dogs, puke, and olives
Whites (Jewish) - a combination of spoiled cabbage, wet hair, and mayonnaise
Hispanic - a combination of refried-bean-fart, jalapenos, & Taco Bell meat
Oriental - a combination of burnt-oil, cough syrup, and onions
I hope I did not offend anyone by this, I was hoping to offend everyone equally. Actually, if your honest with yourself, you may even find some truth in these observations.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Disrespect
If you've ever been to an Indian party there is a pretty good chance you've seen a fight break out. I'm also willing to bet my left nut that during the mele you heard at least at one point (or several) one of the people involved saying one of the following:
1. "You don't disrespect me!"
2. "Do you know who I am?"
3. "You don't know who your messin with!"
and my favorite
4. "I will kill you!"
I've been to way too many Indian parties in my lifetime, and I've seen way too many fights, and for some reason the main reason why all the fights seem to start is because one dude "disrespected" another dude. For some reason, it seems that us Indian guys are now full of so much respect that when someone disrespects us its worthy of throwing our reputation and pride as hard as our punches.
However, I'm willing to bet that there are certain actions that may have caused these bouts of "disrespect". What I find amazing is that although certain times a push or a shove is a clear sign of disrespect, I don't understand all the other reasons why us Indian guys feel disrespected. I've once heard the following conversation:
Indian dude #1: "I'm gonna knock that bastard's teeth out. I'm gonna kill him"
Indian dude #2: "What happened? What did he do?"
Indian dude #1: "You didn't see the way he looked at me bro? Messed up. He's gonna get it"
At this point Indian Dude #1 usually calls up 10 of his "friends" for a fair fight of course. As it turns out, the other guy had a severe case of allergies, and had just finished rubbing his eyes. While he was trying to re-adjust his focus, he squinted. Unfortunately for him, he squinted at the wrong guy.
I just don't get it. When Gandhi and his people were getting shot by the British they chose non-violence to win and get what they want. Several generations later, we are bickering over inadvertent glances. The other thing I find hilarious is that if you've ever seen a fight between two Indian guys, each one claims to be completely innocent. "I was just dancing with his sister and trying to grope her, and he started acting all crazy. I don't get it. Then he disrespected me." All I"m saying is that if your young and stupid, fighting is a learning experience, and hopefully humbling. If your out of college and have a career, fighting should be treated like Hugh Hefner treats a marriage. It should just be avoided.
However, if your an opportunist like I am, fights are a great way to meet women. She's pissed at her man for embarrasing her, and feeling lonely. Its like fishing with a shotgun. But do be careful, because the man getting his ass beat by the bouncer might feel disrespected.
1. "You don't disrespect me!"
2. "Do you know who I am?"
3. "You don't know who your messin with!"
and my favorite
4. "I will kill you!"
I've been to way too many Indian parties in my lifetime, and I've seen way too many fights, and for some reason the main reason why all the fights seem to start is because one dude "disrespected" another dude. For some reason, it seems that us Indian guys are now full of so much respect that when someone disrespects us its worthy of throwing our reputation and pride as hard as our punches.
However, I'm willing to bet that there are certain actions that may have caused these bouts of "disrespect". What I find amazing is that although certain times a push or a shove is a clear sign of disrespect, I don't understand all the other reasons why us Indian guys feel disrespected. I've once heard the following conversation:
Indian dude #1: "I'm gonna knock that bastard's teeth out. I'm gonna kill him"
Indian dude #2: "What happened? What did he do?"
Indian dude #1: "You didn't see the way he looked at me bro? Messed up. He's gonna get it"
At this point Indian Dude #1 usually calls up 10 of his "friends" for a fair fight of course. As it turns out, the other guy had a severe case of allergies, and had just finished rubbing his eyes. While he was trying to re-adjust his focus, he squinted. Unfortunately for him, he squinted at the wrong guy.
I just don't get it. When Gandhi and his people were getting shot by the British they chose non-violence to win and get what they want. Several generations later, we are bickering over inadvertent glances. The other thing I find hilarious is that if you've ever seen a fight between two Indian guys, each one claims to be completely innocent. "I was just dancing with his sister and trying to grope her, and he started acting all crazy. I don't get it. Then he disrespected me." All I"m saying is that if your young and stupid, fighting is a learning experience, and hopefully humbling. If your out of college and have a career, fighting should be treated like Hugh Hefner treats a marriage. It should just be avoided.
However, if your an opportunist like I am, fights are a great way to meet women. She's pissed at her man for embarrasing her, and feeling lonely. Its like fishing with a shotgun. But do be careful, because the man getting his ass beat by the bouncer might feel disrespected.
Friday, September 12, 2008
The Sex Scholarship
We live in a capitalist society. If you can sell something and get ahead, by all means go for it. If you don't, someone else will. Its very simple, and it all goes back to supply and demand. The one thing that will ALWAYS be in demand is sex. Coincidentally, the supply will never be enough. Over the years, people have tried to take advantage of this economic opportunity, but were rejected and unfairly labeled as "prostitutes". However, today is a new day. Ms. Natalie Dylan found the loophole to make it all work.
After years of not allowing this kind of thing to occur, according to this article Natalie will be auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder, so she can pay her way to a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy! That's right, if your marriage is on the rocks one day you'll be able to discuss it with the lady that sold her virginity to the highest bidder. The funny thing about marriage counselors, is that they all seem to give so much advice, yet none of them seem to be married. This is a woman who clearly has her head in the right place. No, I'm not talking in between a man's legs, but rather in between a man's wallet and his pride. She has a bachelor's degree in women's' studies and wants to pursue her education and become a greater asset to society by learning how to help troubled marriages overcome their problems. First of all, what the hell is women's studies? I happen to study a woman every time I see one, but I don't get a degree for it (rather, I get a yes or no response from my loins).
In any case, poor Natalie had a hard time being able to hold this auction. She got turned down by ebay (you know, since their not doing these kinds of auctions any more, but kidneys are okay to sell off). So the Nevada brothel, The Moonlight Bunny Ranch stepped up to the plate. They figured since her sister is already an employee they will take a smaller percentage of the cut. You have to love the fact that a woman, whose sister is a an employee at a brothel, and who herself is auctioning off her virginity may some day be telling you why your marriage is on the rocks. Only in America! Her mother, who is a 4th grade teacher is not satisfied with her daughter's actions. However, the same mother is not dropping a dollar for the master's degree her daughter is seeking either (talk about going 0 for 2). In this process, Natalie has become quite famous. If she plays her cards right she can probably parlay this into a book deal, and then not even have to worry about working. She has been interviewed by several television stations and magazines. Now, I think everyone is just hoping that the ugliest, wart-filled, man in America is the winner and can't wait to see if she goes through with it.
Conclude what you will, but I think this woman is doing what any woman in her position (and IQ level) would do. She's selling the one thing that's god-given to her. I mean, I'm willing to bet her sister told her "Sis, don't worry about it. It may hurt a lil bit in the beginning, but after that its all good. Just look at me. I loved it so much, that I can't get enough!". After heeding these words, she decided that the first thrust would be the dearest. Several people have commented about how wrong this is, and how America has no future since a young woman can get away with this. However, I disagree. I think this is the future, and you better start to embrace it. Otherwise, you'll be going to a woman who sold her virginity for marriage advice.
After years of not allowing this kind of thing to occur, according to this article Natalie will be auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder, so she can pay her way to a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy! That's right, if your marriage is on the rocks one day you'll be able to discuss it with the lady that sold her virginity to the highest bidder. The funny thing about marriage counselors, is that they all seem to give so much advice, yet none of them seem to be married. This is a woman who clearly has her head in the right place. No, I'm not talking in between a man's legs, but rather in between a man's wallet and his pride. She has a bachelor's degree in women's' studies and wants to pursue her education and become a greater asset to society by learning how to help troubled marriages overcome their problems. First of all, what the hell is women's studies? I happen to study a woman every time I see one, but I don't get a degree for it (rather, I get a yes or no response from my loins).
In any case, poor Natalie had a hard time being able to hold this auction. She got turned down by ebay (you know, since their not doing these kinds of auctions any more, but kidneys are okay to sell off). So the Nevada brothel, The Moonlight Bunny Ranch stepped up to the plate. They figured since her sister is already an employee they will take a smaller percentage of the cut. You have to love the fact that a woman, whose sister is a an employee at a brothel, and who herself is auctioning off her virginity may some day be telling you why your marriage is on the rocks. Only in America! Her mother, who is a 4th grade teacher is not satisfied with her daughter's actions. However, the same mother is not dropping a dollar for the master's degree her daughter is seeking either (talk about going 0 for 2). In this process, Natalie has become quite famous. If she plays her cards right she can probably parlay this into a book deal, and then not even have to worry about working. She has been interviewed by several television stations and magazines. Now, I think everyone is just hoping that the ugliest, wart-filled, man in America is the winner and can't wait to see if she goes through with it.
Conclude what you will, but I think this woman is doing what any woman in her position (and IQ level) would do. She's selling the one thing that's god-given to her. I mean, I'm willing to bet her sister told her "Sis, don't worry about it. It may hurt a lil bit in the beginning, but after that its all good. Just look at me. I loved it so much, that I can't get enough!". After heeding these words, she decided that the first thrust would be the dearest. Several people have commented about how wrong this is, and how America has no future since a young woman can get away with this. However, I disagree. I think this is the future, and you better start to embrace it. Otherwise, you'll be going to a woman who sold her virginity for marriage advice.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Oh, These Bonds of Lust!
Vivek was so excited. He had finally met a girl that captured his attention for more than the moments in which their lips were locked. She seemed to be interesting, and goofy, and best of all she was great in the sack. He was quite excited about this promising new relationship. The beginning of any relationship is always awesome because you find out new things you have in common with someone who was once a stranger. You learn that you have similar experiences, and you have stories that make each other laugh. Vivek was living this reality, and couldn't have been happier.
However, as in all walks of life, even relationships come across their hickups. You have to make certain decisions which are quite important. You have to step away from the fun roller coaster ride that is the beginning, and think about who you are as a person first, and whether or not this new person is a compliment to that. Vivek, sat long and hard. He pondered about who he was. He realized that he was a fun-loving chap, who enjoyed sports, comedy, and good movies as well as a stiff drink, and this girl seemed to be the same way. He knew he was the kind of guy that gave 100% to everything he did, and expected it in return from others. He also knew, in his heart of hearts that he was not the most innocent man walking the Earth. He knew that he had his way with a variety of women, and knew this woman was also not the most innocent. They had "the talk", where they talked about their pasts, and past relationships. They knew that each of them had their fare share of sexual journeys and exploits, and they were okay with it, or so he thought.
It was a quiet summer evening, when one of Vivek's buddy's decided to invite everyone over for a barbecue and a few brews. Mostly, it was everyone from college, and some of Vivek's cousins as well. They were all catching up since it had been a while before they had seen each other last. "So what's new with you bro? Whose pants you trying to get into these days?" asked his friend John. "Nothin much man, just working" he responded. "Yeah, I hear that bro. So any new targets in your life?" That's always what John referred to women as. Vivek, went ahead and explained to his friend John that he was talking to this the new lady. He explained how they met at a bar, and how he likes her with a bit of pride in his voice. John's response caused Vivek's heart to skip a beat, and formed an apple size lump in the back of his throat.
"You serious?" John asked. You really like her?" Vivek responded that he did. "So, what does Adhitya taste like?" he asked. Vivek was completely confused, and scared. John had gone on to explain that the girl Vivek was seeing had in fact hooked up with a guy, who had in fact hooked up with Vivek's gay frat brother Adhitya. Before John even finished the explanation, Vivek knew the ending. He washed out his mouth with Listerine, and then tried to wash out his mind with large shots of Jack Daniels. Although Vivek got hammered that day at the barbecue, he did realize that no matter how much he drank he wasn't going to change the past, so he decided to embrace the future. He continued to see the girl, and soon realized that these "bonds of lust" will be ever entangled, and sometimes even disgusting.
However, as in all walks of life, even relationships come across their hickups. You have to make certain decisions which are quite important. You have to step away from the fun roller coaster ride that is the beginning, and think about who you are as a person first, and whether or not this new person is a compliment to that. Vivek, sat long and hard. He pondered about who he was. He realized that he was a fun-loving chap, who enjoyed sports, comedy, and good movies as well as a stiff drink, and this girl seemed to be the same way. He knew he was the kind of guy that gave 100% to everything he did, and expected it in return from others. He also knew, in his heart of hearts that he was not the most innocent man walking the Earth. He knew that he had his way with a variety of women, and knew this woman was also not the most innocent. They had "the talk", where they talked about their pasts, and past relationships. They knew that each of them had their fare share of sexual journeys and exploits, and they were okay with it, or so he thought.
It was a quiet summer evening, when one of Vivek's buddy's decided to invite everyone over for a barbecue and a few brews. Mostly, it was everyone from college, and some of Vivek's cousins as well. They were all catching up since it had been a while before they had seen each other last. "So what's new with you bro? Whose pants you trying to get into these days?" asked his friend John. "Nothin much man, just working" he responded. "Yeah, I hear that bro. So any new targets in your life?" That's always what John referred to women as. Vivek, went ahead and explained to his friend John that he was talking to this the new lady. He explained how they met at a bar, and how he likes her with a bit of pride in his voice. John's response caused Vivek's heart to skip a beat, and formed an apple size lump in the back of his throat.
"You serious?" John asked. You really like her?" Vivek responded that he did. "So, what does Adhitya taste like?" he asked. Vivek was completely confused, and scared. John had gone on to explain that the girl Vivek was seeing had in fact hooked up with a guy, who had in fact hooked up with Vivek's gay frat brother Adhitya. Before John even finished the explanation, Vivek knew the ending. He washed out his mouth with Listerine, and then tried to wash out his mind with large shots of Jack Daniels. Although Vivek got hammered that day at the barbecue, he did realize that no matter how much he drank he wasn't going to change the past, so he decided to embrace the future. He continued to see the girl, and soon realized that these "bonds of lust" will be ever entangled, and sometimes even disgusting.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The East Has Embraced The West
Mahatma Ghandi worked incredibly hard to promote non-violence as a peaceful solution to bring change. Jerry Springer, not so much. Although Jerry's end-of-show Monologues are quite moving and philosophical, if you've ever seen his show, you quickly realize that the moral standards end there. Fast forward to 2008. An Indian Game Show called Dadagiri, which is supposedly India's attempt at Fear Factor according to this article had an episode that would make Jerry Springer pop a Masala Boner!
If you check out the clip in that article, you will realize that we Indians have officially embraced the one element of Westerm culture that we were hesitant to jump on. That's right folks! We have now gone down the twisted roads of Reality TV and people with no shame, and called it "Dadagiri" (which in my language means being a wise ass). In this clip, there is a tall, good looking woman who looks like she hasn't been laid in years. Apparently, one of the guy's says something to tick her off (probably somewhere along the lines of "damn girl, just because you ain't getting any doesn't mean you have to be such a bitch"), and she does what most woman who are unsatisfied, and pissed off tend to do when a man is around, she resorts to violence. She bitch-slaps him like he's a chump in the WWF wrestling league!
Not to be outdone, our suave superhero retaliates by slappin her back like he's a pimp and she didn't pay up! On top of that he yells the words "How can you slap!? How can you slap?" This particular moment in Indian TV, pretty much exemplifies the problem with Indian dudes. We act in the heat of the moment, assume we are right, and after we've slapped the shit out of somene we ask how they had the nerve to do it to us! You gotta love it. Of course, like most Indian dudes who act this way, the guy gets his ass kicked, and eventually everyone ends up knowing about it.
When I was growing up my old-school Indian parents always liked to highlight how Indian culture was more "civilized" than the western culture. They would always associate excess/irresponsibility with the West, and control/discipline with the East. I think its safe to say that times have changed, and my parents are probably glad that their son is not on TV slapping any women. My personal theory, is that Indians always had it in them to be degenerates and irresponsible, but just didn't have a means of living that allowed for it. I mean you can't be a lazy bum and a farmer at the same time. However, with economical success, comes stupidity. A smart person once told me that "if you want an idea to be succesful make sure its either the smartest idea in the world, or the stupidest, those are the only ones that seem to be succesful". Clearly Dadagiri is a case for the latter.
If you check out the clip in that article, you will realize that we Indians have officially embraced the one element of Westerm culture that we were hesitant to jump on. That's right folks! We have now gone down the twisted roads of Reality TV and people with no shame, and called it "Dadagiri" (which in my language means being a wise ass). In this clip, there is a tall, good looking woman who looks like she hasn't been laid in years. Apparently, one of the guy's says something to tick her off (probably somewhere along the lines of "damn girl, just because you ain't getting any doesn't mean you have to be such a bitch"), and she does what most woman who are unsatisfied, and pissed off tend to do when a man is around, she resorts to violence. She bitch-slaps him like he's a chump in the WWF wrestling league!
Not to be outdone, our suave superhero retaliates by slappin her back like he's a pimp and she didn't pay up! On top of that he yells the words "How can you slap!? How can you slap?" This particular moment in Indian TV, pretty much exemplifies the problem with Indian dudes. We act in the heat of the moment, assume we are right, and after we've slapped the shit out of somene we ask how they had the nerve to do it to us! You gotta love it. Of course, like most Indian dudes who act this way, the guy gets his ass kicked, and eventually everyone ends up knowing about it.
When I was growing up my old-school Indian parents always liked to highlight how Indian culture was more "civilized" than the western culture. They would always associate excess/irresponsibility with the West, and control/discipline with the East. I think its safe to say that times have changed, and my parents are probably glad that their son is not on TV slapping any women. My personal theory, is that Indians always had it in them to be degenerates and irresponsible, but just didn't have a means of living that allowed for it. I mean you can't be a lazy bum and a farmer at the same time. However, with economical success, comes stupidity. A smart person once told me that "if you want an idea to be succesful make sure its either the smartest idea in the world, or the stupidest, those are the only ones that seem to be succesful". Clearly Dadagiri is a case for the latter.
Friday, September 5, 2008
I Don't Wanna Grow Up
So I recently came across this article written by Tony Dokoupil for Newsweek where he talks about the "problem" of 20-something year old guys who refuse to grow up. He explains "Today's guys are perhaps the first downwardly mobile—and endlessly adolescent—generation of men in U.S. history". He interviewed about 400 white, male, college-educated guys and has found that what was once a "regressive weekend" has turned into a "decade-long odyssey". He calls it "Guyland" where the happy hours never end, and the party never stops. He's talked to guys who don't even remember the names of the women they've slept with let alone the number (this guy's nickname is Biff). However, all is not well in "Guyland". As the author goes on to discover that he did in fact find some 20-something year olds still living at home, and others who make up fake business cards to attract the ladies so they won't ridicule them for what they really are (in this case a coupon book salesman). Its an interesting article which goes on to explain basically that he's better than his 20-something counterparts because he is getting married at the age of 27, and claims that the experience he has with his soon-to-be wife is better than any party in "Guyland".
All I would like to say to this is Touche! Good work buddy! Nice going Captain Obvious! Bravo, really. I mean you don't have to be a genius to look around and find that more and more clubs/bars are crowded and places that were once empty are now packed, and you can't get in. However, I would like to question this authors research. Did he ever wonder why an entire generation of people decided to just kick back and party instead of stressing out? Well, here's an adventurous guess. I"m willing to bet that that a good majority of these white males, who are college educated, come from divorced families. I'm also willing to bet that they saw their fathers put up with mommy's crap for way too long and saw the jovial kid in them whither away. I'm also gonna guess that these same kids grew up with an attitude of "Not me, no way, no how am I letting a woman do that to me".
Let me tell you something about Guyland my friend. Its fricken awesome! Yes, its true the happy hours don't end, and yes its true the scene with the women can sometimes be a merry-go-round, but you know what? Its fun as hell! I mean, you look at so many of these "succesful" older people who settled down in their mid-20's, got married, and started a family, and what do they tell you? "When I was your age I would've...." and quite frankly I think this generation is not one for the shoulda, coulda, and woulda. I think its good that guys in their 20's are sowing their wild oats before taking on the responsibility of family and life. Your youth is not something you will ever get back, so you might as well enjoy it. What's the point of marrying the first woman you date in your life, if every day after your going to be wondering about someone else. Don't get me wrong, some idiots will never change. I'm convinced no matter how old I am, I will always have the one friend that is up to no good, and will try to convince me to steal someone's underwear in the retirement home, and for that buddy I am eternally grateful. Like a good martini, life should be savored, enjoyed, and be strong enough to get you buzzed.
Its interesting that a magazine like Newsweek had someone investigate this, but I think they should also report both sides of the issue. I mean, a one-night stand never killed nobody (just ask Biff). I do wonder though what the older generation of people in this world think of the 20-somethings. I mean I happen to be a 20-something, and I wouldn't say I've accomplished all of life's goals, but you better believe I've got some experiences that I won't trade for all of King Midas's Gold. This is the same generation that brought social networking websites and made billionaires out of kids, and its the generation that grew up taking risks our parents wouldn't have dreamed of taking.
In any case, what I'd be more interested in is reading this guy's article 10 years later. I sincerely hope he has a happy marriage, and a great life, but I would also tell him that just because your wandering, it doesn't mean your lost.
All I would like to say to this is Touche! Good work buddy! Nice going Captain Obvious! Bravo, really. I mean you don't have to be a genius to look around and find that more and more clubs/bars are crowded and places that were once empty are now packed, and you can't get in. However, I would like to question this authors research. Did he ever wonder why an entire generation of people decided to just kick back and party instead of stressing out? Well, here's an adventurous guess. I"m willing to bet that that a good majority of these white males, who are college educated, come from divorced families. I'm also willing to bet that they saw their fathers put up with mommy's crap for way too long and saw the jovial kid in them whither away. I'm also gonna guess that these same kids grew up with an attitude of "Not me, no way, no how am I letting a woman do that to me".
Let me tell you something about Guyland my friend. Its fricken awesome! Yes, its true the happy hours don't end, and yes its true the scene with the women can sometimes be a merry-go-round, but you know what? Its fun as hell! I mean, you look at so many of these "succesful" older people who settled down in their mid-20's, got married, and started a family, and what do they tell you? "When I was your age I would've...." and quite frankly I think this generation is not one for the shoulda, coulda, and woulda. I think its good that guys in their 20's are sowing their wild oats before taking on the responsibility of family and life. Your youth is not something you will ever get back, so you might as well enjoy it. What's the point of marrying the first woman you date in your life, if every day after your going to be wondering about someone else. Don't get me wrong, some idiots will never change. I'm convinced no matter how old I am, I will always have the one friend that is up to no good, and will try to convince me to steal someone's underwear in the retirement home, and for that buddy I am eternally grateful. Like a good martini, life should be savored, enjoyed, and be strong enough to get you buzzed.
Its interesting that a magazine like Newsweek had someone investigate this, but I think they should also report both sides of the issue. I mean, a one-night stand never killed nobody (just ask Biff). I do wonder though what the older generation of people in this world think of the 20-somethings. I mean I happen to be a 20-something, and I wouldn't say I've accomplished all of life's goals, but you better believe I've got some experiences that I won't trade for all of King Midas's Gold. This is the same generation that brought social networking websites and made billionaires out of kids, and its the generation that grew up taking risks our parents wouldn't have dreamed of taking.
In any case, what I'd be more interested in is reading this guy's article 10 years later. I sincerely hope he has a happy marriage, and a great life, but I would also tell him that just because your wandering, it doesn't mean your lost.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Shop 'Til You Drop
If you've ever been long enough with a girl, there is a good chance that she has asked you to go shopping with her. Some girls are quicker with their decision than others, but with any girl when you are shopping with her, it is an exercise of patience. You can't rush, you can't instigate, and you can never ever say "Are you finished?" You must assume the position. The position is, put on some comfortable sneakers, stick your arm out, and get ready to hold the purse while she puts on some outfits. The whole time, you will be receiving permiscuous looks from the other girls in the store because they see you are taken, and are all of a sudden worth a dirty smile or a jaded glance.
The easiest way to find a person who is in a store with his girlfriend is by the look of his face. Usually he has found a seat on the couch in the middle of the floor which is no where near anything. He has the look of defeat on his face, and his body language is simply sad. It doesn't matter what his nationality is, he simply looks like a lion that used to be full of energy and wild, and has now been caged by Macy's.
Therefore, to help guys out all over the world, the Indian Guy has the following suggestion for retailers of women's clothing:
1. Add a Sports Bar where all the boyfriends can hang out
2. Add a pole to all the dressing rooms, so guys can see what their girlfriends look like in the new underwear dancing.
3. Have a pole outside the dressing room, if any of the girls want to make a quick buck
4. Have an arcade
5. Setup a Texas Hold Em table so the guys can win some money to pay for the girlfriend's clothing.
6. Make the cash registers as close to the exit as possible to avoid any last minute "Oh, I didn't see this top earlier, I think its cute" decisions.
7. Have the people working the changing rooms hold the purses
I think the addition of these few little changes can make the experience more enjoyable for men all over. When a guy is at forever 21, and he sees another guy, he gives that look. The look that says "Oh you just got here? Been here for 45 minutes, and all she's picked out is this one top. We still haven't started the other sections. But I'm sure you'll have fun......SUCKER!"
The easiest way to find a person who is in a store with his girlfriend is by the look of his face. Usually he has found a seat on the couch in the middle of the floor which is no where near anything. He has the look of defeat on his face, and his body language is simply sad. It doesn't matter what his nationality is, he simply looks like a lion that used to be full of energy and wild, and has now been caged by Macy's.
Therefore, to help guys out all over the world, the Indian Guy has the following suggestion for retailers of women's clothing:
1. Add a Sports Bar where all the boyfriends can hang out
2. Add a pole to all the dressing rooms, so guys can see what their girlfriends look like in the new underwear dancing.
3. Have a pole outside the dressing room, if any of the girls want to make a quick buck
4. Have an arcade
5. Setup a Texas Hold Em table so the guys can win some money to pay for the girlfriend's clothing.
6. Make the cash registers as close to the exit as possible to avoid any last minute "Oh, I didn't see this top earlier, I think its cute" decisions.
7. Have the people working the changing rooms hold the purses
I think the addition of these few little changes can make the experience more enjoyable for men all over. When a guy is at forever 21, and he sees another guy, he gives that look. The look that says "Oh you just got here? Been here for 45 minutes, and all she's picked out is this one top. We still haven't started the other sections. But I'm sure you'll have fun......SUCKER!"
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